Chapter 19
Kyle
“Hey, Earth to Kyle”
I flinch as Kai snaps his fingers in front of my face. Even in the roller skates, he’s shorter than me, but he doesn’t let that stop him.
“Um, what? Sorry,” I mumble, placing the tray of newly prepared sandwiches in the glass case at the counter.
I didn’t get enough sleep last night, after realizing I’ve lived with Logan for six weeks already.
Some people’s ankles are fine after that long, but while he still has to wait another fourteen days until the doctors allow him to stop using the boot, I’m starting to get nervous.
Logan has been incredibly generous since I first moved in with him, never asking for money for utilities or rent, but I haven’t managed to get any farther with my wooing.
We spend all our free time together, I love his horse, and he even takes Jekyll to work while I’m at the cafe.
Our brief time together is the most content I’ve ever been, but he doesn’t seem interested in sharing anything other than friendship.
But the tension between us is there, I’m sure of it.
Last time I cooked, he complimented me on being a good “house husband” and I just laughed like an idiot instead of trying to gouge for information.
I’m afraid to dig deeper, because what if I absolutely hate what I find?
What if I anger him enough that he wants me gone?
I can’t imagine having to leave him.
I know he’s a good man—honest and more caring than he thinks—but I’d be naive not to wonder what happens once he doesn’t need my help anymore. We haven’t discussed what happens when he’s back to health.
“I was asking if Logan’s dating anyone, or if he’s still too obsessed with his leg? People in wheelchairs date.”
I’m not sure if Kai’s asking because he’s bored—it is a slow day—or, worse, interested in Logan. So I shrug, gathering my thoughts.
“Why do you want to know?” I ask, because at this point answering a question with another feels like the safest bet.
“I have a friend looking for a model for his painting practice, but most of his models end up being his fuckbuddies, so I don’t wanna suggest Logan if he’s dating someone."
I’m confused but also enraged by the very idea of some friend of Kai’s getting to suck Logan’s dick when I'm not allowed to, but I can’t lie either, so I shrug, feeling my muscles stiffen. “I don’t think he should be dating anyone now.”
Kai gives me a skeptical glance. “Why? Are you jealousss?” He grins and starts playing with a cow-shaped salt shaker.
I don’t have the strength to play a word game that would keep him uncertain of my intentions, because I’ve barely had any sleep, pacing around the living room and crushed by the prospect of losing the guy sleeping in the other room.
“What do you want me to say?”
Kai sighs but does get more serious. “Oh, come on, throw me a bone. Are you two a thing or what? You even have a furry baby already.”
My throat tightens, and I shrug. “Look, it’s complicated.”
“I’m only asking because the last time a guy gave Logan the freedom to roam, it didn’t end well.”
I look up, finding it hard to breathe.
Kai spreads his arms. “I like Logan. Great guy. Hot too, but he is the model specimen of Commitmentuus Phobius. If you give him too much leash, he’ll drift farther away instead of chasing you down. He’s been burnt too much.”
“The marriage, I know,” I lower my voice even though there’s barely anyone in the cafe.
Kai shakes his head, and his gaze follows two guys walking toward the cafe. “No. I’ll tell you, but gossip for gossip?”
I nod without thinking, hungry for any crumb that could push me in the right direction. “Deal.”
Kai grins and walks out from behind the counter when the young men enter. It doesn’t escape my attention that he seats them as far away from the counter as possible.
“Quinta, can you take the coffees to them? Pretty pleaseeee?” he asks, and she nods despite rolling her eyes.
“Their usual?”
Kai gives her a thumbs up, but then turns to me with a conspiratorial glance. “Look very discreetly, okay? The taller one, with the longer hair, is Cass, Logan’s last ex.”
I feel a rush as I peek from behind the sandwich case and take in the two handsome men in sporty clothes. The one with longer hair has olive skin, hair as black as the espresso Quinta is pouring, and a charming smile.
I can barely stand the sense of jealousy burning in my gut, even though this guy is no longer interested in Logan.
“You two kinda look alike. Loggi-boy has a type,” Kai says with a wide grin.
Do we? I’m not sure. I’m tan, and my hair is dark, but his features are softer than mine. Is that a deal breaker for Logan?
Kai leans against the counter and continues his gossip-fest. “So Cassian had an open relationship with Logan, but then instead of moving in with him, asked his best friend to become his new roommate,” Kai lowers his voice even more and indicates the sporty guy holding a frisbee.
“That guy over there. And then those two got together. Logan thinks Cassian was cheating on him, but really, it’s that kind of Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie situation.
Did they get together before Logan and Cass broke up?
No one knows,” he says as if all this is common knowledge.
“And can you even cheat in an open relationship? I guess you can if all of a sudden you wanna be exclusive with your side piece.”
Kai grabs himself a cookie from the staff stash, while I’m stewing in all this new intel. It only reminds me how on day one here Logan tried to suggest an open relationship and how violently everything inside me rejected his idea.
I’m not built for polyamory of any kind, and I think that neither is Logan. Or am I projecting?
Cassian has such a pleasant smile and when he strokes his boyfriend’s hand, I feel happy for them, but at the same time I can’t separate their happiness from the hurt that’s left Logan unable to trust anyone.
“Logan didn’t fight for him?”
Kai shrugs. “If you want my opinion, they weren’t meant to be.”
“Why?” I ask, hoping for a lesson in handling the man who makes my heart yearn for a fairy-tale ending.
Kai sniggers and glances at me with a twinkle in his eyes. “They’re very different people, but I think that the whole open relationship thing started, because they’re both tops. If you ask me, they were doomed from the start.”
Taken aback, I stare at his smug smile. “How do you know those things about people?”
Does he know… what I like in bed?
Kai laughs. “People talk if you sleep around, and those two definitely did. If they don’t say it themselves, then you might see a pattern in their partners. I’ve worked here since I was sixteen. I see things.”
I swallow, feeling like I lack the elementary education when it comes to being gay. In porn, lots of guys will switch between fucking and being fucked, but I suppose I already know I have a preference, and from what I can hear, it’s not a unique experience.
I swallow, wondering if I can trust Kai, but at the end of the day, he shouldn’t be able to guess anything based on questions. “So… how can you tell if you, for example, meet someone here?” I ask, discreetly gesturing at the few guests we currently have.
Kai sighs and pouts. “Sorry, it’s not that easy.
Some guys are big and want to bottom, some twinks wanna do that whole domination thing.
There’s no rule, and not everyone likes butt stuff anyway.
It’s more of a… vibe. And then you might still be wrong about the person you’re interested in and have to talk it out. ”
Did I give off a vibe? Logan seemed to know exactly what to do with me.
But maybe he just took a gamble. He’s confident like that. “What about you?”
Kai tut-tuts at me. “Oh no, babe, gossip for gossip. It’s my turn, and I know I earned it. Be real. Do you have a crush on Logan or not? I can keep a secret.”
I feel cornered, but he’s right. For all the information he gave me, I ought to offer him what he wants. I swallow, feeling lightheaded as his eyes brighten.
“Yeah.”
His self-satisfied smile is pretty much expected. “Knew it. And it’s a secret?”
“Not to Logan.” I manage not to squeak that out, but this conversation is a reminder of my inadequacy.
Kai gives me a sad look and bites his thumb. “Oh, no… Kyleee…”
I sigh. “I know.”
“Come here,” he says and before I know it, gives me a big squish. A giant weight drops from my shoulders, but while the fear of losing Logan is choking, it feels good to have someone understand what I’m going through.
Once he pulls away, that playful smile is back on his lips. “Now I’m sure you’re a bottom.”
He laughs and I smack his ass with a dish towel. “That’s what you really wanted to know, wasn’t it?”
Quinta, who uses the quiet time at the cafe to read a textbook, clicks her tongue at me. “Your sugar daddy’s here,”
I want to protest but end up dipping my fingers under the tap and spraying water at her.
“Truth hurts!” She sniggers, turning away from the micro shower as Logan pushes the door open with his shoulder.
I wonder if he’s come early, but one look at the clock tells me my shift is finished, so I take off my apron, toss it over my shoulder and step from behind the counter.
He’s gotten so proficient with the crutches he insists on going shopping and everything, so I’m not surprised he’s got his backpack on.
He doesn’t like wearing it but resorts to it so he can get stuff done.
He hasn’t given up on his Stetson though, and with it being so sunny outside, maybe he’s got the right idea.
I’m also pretty sure it’s the constant use of crutches that got his arms even more drool-worthy than ever before. The sunny weather allows him to wear a tight white T-shirt, which looks so good paired with gray sweatpants, I’m pretty sure he turns heads in the street.
“Hey! You finished? You can grab an iced coffee for me. It’s boiling out there.”
I turn on my heel, ready to crawl all the way to Quinta’s feet and ask her to bestow a free iced coffee on my man, but when I get there, she’s already tamping the grounds before putting the portafilter in the machine.
I can smell the perfect espresso even before hot water pours through the coffee and into the cup.
“I got us the good bacon,” Logan says with pride, but as we wait for the coffee, he looks around and I can see his hesitation when he spots his ex.
They eye each other, but then exchange a vague wave of hello neither of them cares to follow up.
My heart aches for Logan, because I can already see he’s simply not getting together with the right people.
First—a lesbian, then a guy with whom he wasn’t compatible in bed, which maybe shouldn’t matter in an ideal world, but I think it does.
I flinch when Quinta pushes the cup into my hand, and I smile at her before heading straight for Logan. I can see the ex glancing our way, and the desire to kiss Logan and show that dude what he missed out on burns deep inside me. But the fear of being rejected again is enough to stop me.
I slurp some of his coffee as we make our way down the street, and since his hands are occupied, I put the straw to his lips so he can drink.
This isn’t even the first time we’ve done this, and I can’t help but think that he’s changed since I met him.
The Logan from two months ago would consider himself too serious to be seen like this.
But now he’s more relaxed, happy to drink from my hand and to accept help.
“That was another ex of mine,” Logan says unprompted. “Sleep with enough people in a small town, and the streets are littered with exes. Yes, this is a cautionary tale.”
I smile. “Are you telling me to stay true to just one guy?” I ask in a light tone but watch his reaction, because I want him to think about being that for me.
He takes a big sip of coffee. “Probably. And you were right to not accept my open relationship offer. It would have been a shitshow. Ask me how I know.” He rolls his eyes.
I’m glad for all the tidbits I got from Kai, but Logan is the person whose truth I want to hear.
“I’m sorry. I suppose… people can be built for different things,” I offer and have a sip of the coffee as we walk toward the car.
The sun is shining brightly, and even though I’ve been in Springton for barely two months, it already feels like home. Maybe because of Logan. Maybe because I can be myself here. Whichever it is, I’m in no rush to visit my family back in Texas.
Logan sighs. “I thought I was… cooler. That I could be that guy who has an emotional connection with one person but can also have lots of fun with others. But maybe we just both wanted to fuck around.” He laughs.
“Don’t look at me like that! The breakup with him was painful and messy, but I now know we weren’t meant to be. ”
I don’t think this time. My feet move, and I put my arm around him for a brief hug, because I can no longer just stand by and watch him being sad. “I think you’re very cool.”
Logan snorts but doesn’t push me away and, after a moment, hugs me back. “Aww… that’s too cute. Are you okay? Did something happen at work?” he asks with worry in his voice.
But all I can think of is that he’s holding me in the street like it’s the most natural thing to do and I love it so much, but it also makes me so unbearably sad. And now he’s the one having to cheer me up when I want to be there for him.
“Why? Everything’s fine,” I say but soak up every drop of his attention, because I can’t know how long I’ll have it. I want to ask him what happens once he’s no longer reliant on my help, but I can’t make myself say the words. Because what if he says he wants me gone?
He pulls away but ruffles my hair before resting his weight back on the crutches. “I don’t know. You just seem more… emotional than usual.” He squints as if he can see right through me.
“Me?” I ask, feigning surprise, though he is very observant. “I just wanted to cheer you up, since seeing that guy seemed to bring you down.”
He sighs and bows to slurp more coffee from the cup in my hand. “That’s what exes do to people, Kyle. So take my advice. Fuck around, and don’t get involved.”
Ugh. That’s not what I was hoping to hear. Especially that it’s the exact opposite of the advice he gave me minutes ago.
I can’t bring myself to laugh it off.