Chapter 13 #3
“Jalon, it’s okay.” She held the warm mug in her hands.
It was the perfect temperature. “I understand losing yer temper. I also understand saying things you don’t mean when you’re angry.
You’re not the only one who does that.” She leaned forward.
“What I don’t understand is why you were so angry.
Malachi was fine. He hadn’t climbed that far up in the tree. ”
Jalon looked away. The firelight from the stove flickered faint shadows along his strong profile. “I know.”
She paused, wondering if she should ask the question, then realizing that she had to. If they were going to make this work, they had to be honest with each other. “Why did you try to cut down the tree?”
His legs spread apart, he stared down at the floor. “I can’t ... I can’t talk about it. Not now.”
“Part of yer regrets?” She took a sip of the tea. She wouldn’t push, but at least she’d put the question out there. And she could see he was responding as honestly as he could. It was all she could ask for.
Nodding, he turned toward her. “ Ya. ”
Outside, the wind kicked up, rattling the windows. She shivered.
“Are you cold? I can get some more wood for the stove.”
“ Nee , I’m fine.” She shuddered again, feeling an unexpected prodding in her heart.
It’s time to tell him.
I can’t talk to him about that now.
Tell him your story.
She looked at him. His head drooped a bit, and she could see he was tired, and she had a feeling the cause was more than getting upset at Malachi and battling a tree.
Tell him your story.
She took a deep breath, unable to ignore the small nudge any longer. “I have regrets too.”
He looked up at her, expectant and wary, as if he knew she was finally going to tell him about Malachi’s father. She almost changed her mind, but if admitting her past would help Jalon—would help them —she would do it.
“I was eight when mei brother Devon was born. After that, I barely remember a time when I wasn’t helping mei mamm with mei siblings, whether it was changing their diapers, feeding them, washing all their clothes, babysitting them when mei parents wanted to geh out alone or visit friends without little ones grabbing at them. ”
He nodded. “You basically raised them.”
“I felt like I did. By the time I was seventeen I was tired of it. Mei girlfriends were talking about getting married and having kinner . But I didn’t want to be a mamm .
I didn’t want to get married either. I also questioned mei faith—whether or not I wanted to be Amish.
I felt suffocated by rules, by mei siblings.
I wanted to be free.” She glanced down at her unsteady hands and closed them into fists.
“I started sneaking out of the haus with one of mei friends. She knew a lot of English boys, and those boys knew where all the parties were.” She paused, expecting censure from him.
His face held no expression at all.
Shame grew inside her as she kept talking. “For the next two years I rebelled. Eventually I didn’t bother sneaking out. I just left. I hadn’t joined the church, and there was nothing mei parents could do to stop me. They needed me more than I needed them. Or so I thought.
“One night I met this guy at a party. Brody. He was a few years older than me, and in college. I thought he was smart and cute and funny.” Her cheeks flushed.
Maybe she shouldn’t have added that part.
But if Jalon was affected by her description of another man, he didn’t show it.
His blank expression unnerved her, but she continued to explain.
“I saw him at a few other parties over the next two months, and one night we started talking. He’d been accepted to medical school in California and was planning to become a cancer doctor.
We started drinking, then decided to celebrate .
..” Oh, this was hard. She wanted to jump out of her skin when she admitted the next part. “Malachi was born nine months later.”
“I see.”
She wished he would show some emotion. She’d even take his anger right now.
She’d spent enough time being angry at herself.
And guilty, especially after admitting to her parents that she was pregnant and the father wasn’t Amish.
She closed her eyes at the memory, remembering the shock and disappointment in both their eyes.
“I told Brody I was pregnant,” she said, opening her eyes but unable to look at Jalon.
“I thought it was only fair that he knew. When he said he didn’t want to be a part of the boppli ’s life, I was relieved.
But I was also scared. I felt alone, even though mei parents hadn’t asked me to leave.
They could have, you know. They could have cast me out, but they supported me.
Even after all the trouble I gave them .
..” She swallowed the lump in her throat.
She hadn’t fully appreciated her parents until that moment.
She’d spent so much time resenting them for giving her so much responsibility.
“I was selfish. I’d lived for myself, hurt mei parents, and turned away from God.
Even though I had a home and mei mother and father’s love, because of mei choices I felt separated from God.
How could he forgive me for all the things I’d done? ”
He blinked once. Then twice. “There’s always forgiveness,” he said in a low voice.
“I know that now. Mei parents forgave me, and so did God. I joined the church a short time after, and it became a haven for me.” She scratched the back of her hand.
“Ironically, the two things I thought were boxing me in ended up giving me the freedom I’d always wanted.
” She looked at him. “I want to be clear—I don’t regret Malachi.
He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. ”
His expression was still shuttered. “What about Brody? Are you in contact with him at all?”
“ Nee. After I told him about the boppli , I never saw him again. I’m sure he’s in medical school out in California right now. Malachi and I have been living with mei parents since he was born. Up until we went to Aenti Bertha’s.”
“Because you didn’t want to be a burden to yer parents.”
She took a deep breath. “That’s the excuse I gave everyone.
Mei parents live in a poor community. We’re a small district—only eight families.
When mei mamm became pregnant with mei youngest brother, Elam, the farm was barely supporting us, even though we all pitched in with the work.
I also helped out with odd jobs—making baked goods to sell, doing some cleaning for an English familye that lived a few miles away.
Then I lost the cleaning job, and mei bread and pies sales became nonexistent.
I wrote to mei aenti and asked if Malachi and I could stay with her.
She never married and doesn’t have any kinner .
I offered to help her out at home. I also hoped there would be better job opportunities in a new community, so I could work and send money home to mei parents.
When she said yes, Malachi and I left the next day. ”
“ Yer parents didn’t ask you to stay?”
“They did, but I insisted on going.” Her voice grew thick as she remembered her mother, the strings of her kapp frayed at the edges, holding on to her youngest brother, looking confused and sad at the same time. “Things didn’t turn out the way I planned.”
He rubbed his finger across his chin, and she could hear the soft scraping of his short whiskers against his skin. “You said that was an excuse. What’s the real reason you left?”
She bit her bottom lip, averting her gaze. “I left for the same reason I can’t geh back.”
“I’m sure whatever that is, yer parents will understand. I’m sure they want you to come home.”
“ Mei parents aren’t the problem. The bishop is.” She balled her hands again. “He’s the one who made me leave.”