Chapter 14
J alon struggled to remain impassive as Phoebe spoke, but he was losing the battle.
He could see what it cost her to tell him about Malachi’s father.
The humiliation of admitting her family’s poverty.
She was telling the truth, he was absolutely sure of it this time.
Now he understood why she hadn’t told him about any of this in her letters.
It wasn’t something you casually wrote down and hoped the other person would understand.
He felt the same way. Telling her about his alcoholism—which he still needed to do, especially now that she wasn’t holding anything back from him—was something he’d also put off.
And he’d continue to do so, at least for the time being. Right now this was about her, not him.
More than once he’d wanted to take her hand but held back. He didn’t need to make a mistake right now, so he kept his cool and listened, his emotions tightly wound. “Why did he ask you to leave?”
Her cheeks reddened more deeply than before.
“The bishop who baptized me passed away early last summer. I’d known him pretty much mei whole life, and while he was strict, he was also compassionate.
When he found out I was pregnant with Malachi, he didn’t judge me.
I had to confess mei sin, of course, but afterward he didn’t say anything else about it.
Then a new bishop was chosen ... and everything changed.
“One afternoon he came to see me. Mei parents were out and mei brothers and Malachi were busy with chores. I was thankful for that, because Bishop Weaver wasn’t there five minutes before he told me I was an embarrassment to the community.”
“What?” Jalon said, stunned.
“He said I shamed mei familye , I shamed mei church, and most of all I shamed myself.” She shook her head and let out a bitter chuckle.
“If I didn’t know any better, I would think he and Aenti Bertha had been talking to each other.
She told me the same things once I got to her haus , more than once. ”
His hands fisted. “You made a mistake.”
“Malachi is not a mistake.” She lifted her chin, which made her rosy cheeks even more appealing. “I want to make that clear. Regardless of mei choices, mei sohn is not a mistake.”
“Of course not.” He leaned forward. “That’s not what I meant.”
She sighed, her chin lowering, and the moment of defiance disappeared.
“I, on the other hand, have made plenty of mistakes. I’m the only unwed mamm in the community.
Apparently the bishop isn’t happy about that.
He told me I needed to get married. If I didn’t choose a husband, he would choose one for me. ”
“He can’t do that.” But Jalon didn’t totally believe the words.
Bishops had a lot of sway in a community, even in Birch Creek.
Emmanuel Troyer had established the community, was its bishop, and had refused to let the members elect a minister or deacon.
He’d had complete control over the community’s money, and when it was revealed he’d been hoarding funds community members could have used in lean times—Karen’s family was one of them—he left, and no one had heard from him since.
“He could. And he would have.” She stood and moved away from the woodstove.
“I ...” Her voice was shaking. “I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love and be with him for the rest of mei life.
That wouldn’t be fair to Malachi, or to me.
” She whirled around and faced Jalon. “I know that sounds selfish.”
He popped up from the couch. “It doesn’t, not to me.” He moved closer to her, but maintained his distance. “Marriage should be based on love. Not coercion.”
For the first time since she’d started talking, her features relaxed.
“I think so too. I really believe it. I’ve been with someone when there was nee love.
It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t right. I promised myself I would never be with a man I didn’t love again.
A man who wasn’t mei husband. I want to marry someone because I love him, not because he could be a father to Malachi or a financial support to me. And I intend to keep that promise.”
Something inside Jalon stirred, and his attraction to her was deeper than before. “That’s a gut decision.”
“ Danki. I’m glad I made at least one.”
“Phoebe, you make plenty.”
“Going to Aenti Bertha’s was a bad decision. A really bad decision.”
“You didn’t feel like you had any choice.”
“And whose fault is that?”
“Sounds like it’s the bishop’s fault.”
She held up her hand. “I’m not blaming him. Mei circumstances are mei own. His reaction, and even mei aenti ’s, are the consequences.” She lowered her hand. “I know I’ve made more mistakes since then, but I hope you can forgive me for not telling you about Malachi.”
He went to her, stopping short of being too close. “I understand. And I get why you kept Malachi a secret from me. So there’s nix to forgive.”
Her blue eyes shined with unshed tears. “I was afraid you wouldn’t understand,” she whispered. “That you would never want to talk to me again once you knew the truth.”
“Phoebe.” He ran his thumb over her cheek.
“I would never do that.” Her skin was warm beneath his palm, and it wouldn’t take much for him to take her in his arms. But something held him back.
There would be time to hold her. To kiss her.
To finally tell her how much he loved her.
Now wasn’t the time. He didn’t want her to think his feelings were born out of pity, or for her to doubt his sincerity.
He couldn’t just tell her he loved her. He had to show her. And he had to do it right.
It took everything he had to step away from her, even though he knew he had to. “I’m glad you told me,” he said.
“I should have told you sooner.”
“You told me when the time was right. That’s all that matters.”
They looked at each other for a long moment. Finally she said, “I should get to bed.”
“Me too. I’ve got more job hunting to do in the morning.” That statement put a damper on things. He frowned. “I just wish I understood why I haven’t found anything yet.”
“You will.” She put her hand on his arm for the briefest of moments before pulling away. “ Gute nacht , Jalon.” She turned and went upstairs.
He sat down on the couch and watched the flames flickering in the woodstove, marveling at Phoebe, not only for making difficult choices but for taking responsibility for her actions.
He hadn’t had the same maturity at her age.
But the more he thought about the bishop’s actions, the angrier he became.
Because of one man’s righteous pride and strict rules, Phoebe and Malachi were homeless.
His hand gripped the arm of the couch. He refused to allow that. The two of them would always have a home. He would make sure of it.
The next morning Phoebe reviewed the previous night’s conversation in her mind.
Jalon had said very little at breakfast before he left to job hunt again.
She feared she had revealed too much. But once she had started talking, the words spilled out of her, and while she didn’t feel any less shameful about her past, she did feel some relief that he not only knew what had happened, but he hadn’t shunned her.
He’d understood, and she’d seen the compassion in his eyes, the sweet gentleness when he wiped away her tears.
He amazed her. She’d never met a more perfect man in her life.
“We have a change of plans,” Karen said as she finished sweeping the kitchen floor. “ Mamm forgot that she and Daed are visiting Rhoda Troyer later on today.” Karen paused. “She’s the wife of our former bishop. Mamm asked if we could come over for lunch instead of supper.”
Phoebe crimped a sheet of foil over the platter of leftover French toast. “That would be nice.” She was looking forward to meeting Karen’s parents. She’d always been social, and spending the last several months being a near hermit was wearing on her.
She and Karen made quick work of the rest of the chores, then headed over to the Yoders’. They crossed a large field that stood between Jalon’s house and theirs. “We’re not trespassing, are we?” Phoebe asked. She glanced over her shoulder at Malachi, who was dawdling a few feet behind them.
“ Nee. At least I don’t think so. This field belongs to an English man, but nee one has ever seen him come around.
Years ago Daed tried to buy the property, but the guy wouldn’t return his calls.
It ended up being a good thing because we had some lean years after that, and we probably wouldn’t have been able to make the payments on the loan. ”
Phoebe understood about that. Her parents had had more than their fair share of lean years.
When they arrived at the Yoders’, Phoebe found herself thrust into a bustle of activity.
Ivy came out of the house, and Phoebe was struck again by how petite she was.
She smiled as she approached them. “We need yer help in the kitchen,” Ivy said.
“ Mamm decided it would be a gut idea to make donuts again.”
Karen shook her head. “She didn’t learn from the last time?”
“ Nee. Or the time before that, or the time before that.” Ivy turned to Phoebe. “Do you know how to make donuts?”
Phoebe nodded. “I used to make them all the time at home.”
“Then maybe you can show Mamm , because for some reason none of us can get the recipe right.”
Judah came up to Malachi. “We’re playing tag in the backyard,” he said before running off and disappearing behind the large house.
Malachi glanced up at Phoebe, who nodded her head. Then he zipped behind the house too. Phoebe could hear the shouts of the boys as they continued their game.
“ Daed and Seth, our oldest brother, are helping an English familye up the road build a pole barn. It’s a small one, so they’ll be back in time for lunch.” Ivy started for the house, then smiled at Phoebe. “We’re glad to have you and Malachi over.”