Chapter 20
S o how long are you going to wait before you geh after her?”
Jalon looked at Adam in disgust. “When are you going to mind yer own business?”
“If you weren’t a gloomy jerk twenty-four hours a day, I would.”
Wiping the sweat off his face, Jalon stood.
A week ago he and Sol Troyer, Sol’s brother Aden, and Aden’s brother-in-law Andrew had cut down the tree in the backyard.
The wood had come back from the mill, and he and Adam were adding slats to the wooden fence around the pasture.
Adam held up the wood slats while Jalon nailed them in place.
The only ones he couldn’t do were the ones on the bottom of the fence.
Jalon would hammer those later. “Are you going to run yer mouth or hold up that slat?”
“Point proven.” Adam angled his chair and faced him. “Answer mei question first.”
Jalon wasn’t a violent man, but he was tempted to throw his hammer at his cousin. “Again, none of yer business.”
“Jalon, you’re being ridiculous. And an idiot. Geh see Phoebe.”
Gritting his teeth, Jalon knelt back down, even though there wasn’t a board in place for him to nail.
“She made her feelings clear.” Or rather her lack of feelings.
For whatever reason, she’d cut him off. Maybe she’d found someone else back home.
The thought made him want to punch a wall. Or a fence slat.
“And you’re going to give up without a fight? Without talking to her face-to-face?”
Jalon hung his head. It was the warmest day of the year so far, and his hat provided little relief.
The cows and horses were standing under several shade trees in the small pasture, swinging their tails to beat away the flies that relentlessly pestered them.
“You’re the last person to give me romantic advice. What about you and Karen?”
That shut him up for a minute. “If Karen ever leaves, I’ll geh after her.”
Jalon dropped the subject. That was the closest Adam had come to admitting he had a real interest in Karen.
“We’re talking about you and Phoebe,” Adam said. “Stop changing the subject.”
He turned to Adam. “Phoebe and I are over. End of subject. Now, pick up that board and hold it up.”
“ Nee. ” Adam crossed his arms over his broad chest. “Not until you admit you need Phoebe.”
“Are you serious?” Adam was acting like a child. Like a girl, actually. He expected Leanna to pull something like this, not his cousin.
“Absolutely serious. You haven’t been the same since she and Malachi left, and to be honest, you’ve been a bear to be around. Besides, we all miss her. Things aren’t the same around here without her and Malachi.”
Adam was right, but that didn’t change anything.
It didn’t make Phoebe want to be with him.
It didn’t bring her home. His home, which he wanted to be their home more than he wanted to draw breath.
“I don’t need her,” he muttered. He hammered a nail on one of the lower planks and barely missed hitting his thumb. She clearly doesn’t need me.
“Are you afraid of what you’ll find out if you geh see her?” Adam said.
That was exactly what he was afraid of. If he found out she’d fallen in love with someone else, his heart couldn’t take it.
“Like I said, she made her feelings clear. Me chasing after her isn’t going to make a difference.
” He stood. “If you’re not going to help me with the fence, I’ve got a dozen other jobs to do.
” There were plenty of them to tackle. Working the land, training the horses, raising the livestock .
.. But he had a sense of accomplishment when he saw the crops he’d spent so much time planting starting to push through the soil and grow.
Adam worked just as hard, and even Leanna had a renewed attitude about the farm than she’d had growing up.
At the end of the day he fell into bed knowing he’d put in a full, satisfying day’s work.
Yet at night, when he was alone with his sore muscles and racing mind, all he could think about were Phoebe and Malachi.
The void they’d left in his life was almost unbearable.
But what could he do about it? He wasn’t going to beg.
He’d put his heart on the line and she’d stepped all over it.
He’d offered to help her, to stand by her. She refused him.
Fine. He was done.
“Suit yerself .” Adam spun his chair to face the house and started to roll away.
“Hold up,” Jalon said. “We’re nearly finished. We need to get this fence done.”
“We will,” Adam said over his shoulder. “After you get yer head on straight.”
Jalon put his hands on his hips, sweat dripping down the sides of his face.
As far as blackmail went, Adam’s attempt fell far short.
He could fix the fence by himself. It would be difficult, but he could do it.
He could do all of this on his own. He didn’t need Adam or Leanna .
.. and he definitely didn’t need Phoebe.
He spent the rest of the afternoon proving that point, trying to fix the fence alone.
He was managing it, but he’d only been able to add three of the slats without Adam’s help.
At this rate it would take an extra day to finish the fence.
A wasted day. But he wasn’t about to give in to Adam—or anyone else.
“Need a hand?”
He stilled at the familiar voice behind him. Slowly he rose to his feet and turned around. His father stood there, his thumbs tugging on his black suspenders, his hat pushed back from his forehead. “ Daed ,” Jalon said, his guard going up. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Just arrived. Yer mamm was missing you kinner , so she wanted to come for a visit. She’s inside with Leanna and Adam.”
“How long are you staying?”
“Just for the day. We’ve got to get back.” He moved closer to the repaired part of the fence, then draped his forearms over the top. “Things are looking gut around here,” he said after a long pause.
“We’re all working hard.” Jalon didn’t move to stand next to him.
“I can see that.” Another pause. “Adam seems happy.”
“He is.”
“Never thought he’d be a farmer.” He turned to Jalon. “Never thought you’d be one, either.”
Jalon ground his teeth, measuring his next words.
He didn’t want to get into a fight with his father, not since he had been able to empathize with him about the farm.
Neither of them won when they fought. “I’m suited for it .
.. regardless of what you think.” Then again, maybe he was itching for an argument.
Daed turned and faced him fully. “You don’t know what I’m thinking, Jalon.”
Jalon gripped the hammer in his hand, about to say something else sarcastic. His father’s next words stopped him.
“You don’t know, because I never told you.
” He sighed. “I didn’t tell you the whole truth a minute ago.
It wasn’t just yer mamm who wanted to come here.
I wanted to. Scratch that. I needed to. It’s been long overdue for me to set things straight between us.
I’ll start with saying I’m sorry.” He swallowed. “I was a lousy father to you.”
“ Nee— ”
“Don’t lie for the both of us. I was. I took out mei frustration and anger about mei failures on you. Worse than that, I knew you felt guilty about what happened to Adam. It was what led you to drink. I should know. Mei own guilt and failure are what drove me to it.”
Jalon didn’t know what to say. He had never expected this much openness from his father.
His father turned back and faced the field. “I didn’t realize how much I’d been drinking until I went back to Mespo. I also didn’t know how much mei drinking affected everyone. I thought I hid it. I thought I was handling it, and everything.”
This time Jalon did move to stand by him. He put the hammer on the ground and looked at the field. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“You helped me,” Daed said.
Lifting his brow, Jalon said, “What?”
“When you quit, I saw how you were turning your life around. I knew then that you were ready to do what you truly loved—farm. If I hadn’t totally killed that desire in you. I’m glad to see I didn’t. Yer farm will be a success. Much more than mine ever could have been.”
“Why?” It was the question Jalon had always wanted to ask. “Why couldn’t you make a geh of this place?”
“Because I didn’t believe in myself. I guess I didn’t have enough faith in God, either.
I tried to force things, tried to take the easy way.
I needed to trust, and I couldn’t.” He clapped Jalon on the shoulders and moved away, bonding moment over.
“I better say hi to Leanna before she gives me an earful for not paying attention to her.” He started to move away, then paused.
“Looks like everything is going yer way. You deserve it, sohn . That, and so much more.”
Jalon waited for his father to leave, then leaned forward against the fence, his head down, trying to figure out what had just happened. His father had faith in him. A wound he didn’t know was still bleeding had suddenly closed.
Yet he couldn’t shake something his father said. Everything wasn’t going Jalon’s way. He needed Phoebe and he needed Malachi. All the grouchy protesting in the world wasn’t going to change that.
Go to her.
Lifting his head up, he looked at the sky. This wasn’t the first time he’d heard that still, small voice in his heart, the one that didn’t sound remotely like Adam, despite echoing his cousin’s words. He’d dismissed it, like he’d dismissed Adam. “What if she doesn’t want me?” he choked out.
Go to her.
That wasn’t the answer he wanted. He needed a sure thing, not more uncertainty. He’d had enough of that in his life, despite always seeking for consistency that seemed out of reach.