Chapter 32
Ishika
Taking a large gulp of air, I fill my cheeks and then blow out the air.
I do it five times in repetition, looking at the mirror.
It doesn’t really help my cause. Misery has a way of creeping up on me at odd times.
My face says it all. Sadness is my new best friend and I cling to it willingly because I want to bury myself in this agony.
This pain makes me feel connected and aware that I still belong to him somehow.
Even if he hates me. I want my heart to keep hurting because this way it still beats for him.
“Ishy, where are you? Everyone is waiting downstairs,” Mama yells.
“Just a minute,” I call out and then grab my purse.
Today is my dad’s birthday. Birthdays are a big deal in my house.
Every year I organize the celebrations for my daddy’s birthday.
I buy his presents and decorate the house with balloons.
I order him cake and cook him breakfast. He then dances disco with me to the old classics.
At night, we have a family dinner at a restaurant where all my cousins make it a point to attend.
This year I did all that once again, only my smile was fake and Dad noticed it.
My relationship with Dad hasn’t been the same, it’s strained.
We don’t talk much anymore; I avoid him strategically. He doesn’t push me either.
He had entered my room one night, perhaps wanting to talk, but I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep.
“Time will heal this too, Ishy,” he said, kissing the top of my head. Only, I don’t know how to heal.
The night Ryan got arrested, my father hired a big shot lawyer from the city and paid for everything. My father did all this on one condition.
“I want you to forget about Ryan. You’ll promise me to finish dental school first and not make any contact with him for the entire four years. I’m only going to help Ryan if you keep your side of the bargain,” Dad had put forth his only condition.
“We’re trying to protect you, Ishy. First love is special. But we don’t want it to ruin your career and your future. Once you have established a distance, you’ll be able to tell if your feelings for each other are real or not,” Mom added.
“If I say no. If I want to be with him?” I challenged.
“Then I don’t see a reason to support your cause.
I won’t sabotage Ryan’s case but I won’t help him either.
I’m asking for favors from a lot of people here to speed up the trial.
These favors come at a price. They are a lot more expensive than money alone.
I’m putting my reputation on the line too, my daughter.
So, either you want my help or you don’t.
In turn, you’ll stick to our agreement. Do I have your word, Ishy? ”
Ryan had a long list of charges under his name including forced entry, robbery, and aggravated assault.
Bolton’s defense attorney was going to dig into Ryan’s past and bring out every minor and major event that would incriminate Ryan.
There were rumors that the presiding judge was a corrupt asshole.
He was also a member of the same sailing club as Bolton.
I was scared for Ryan and I hoped he didn’t have to do jail time.
I agreed to my dad’s conditions. I did whatever my father asked me to do.
I didn’t go to see Ryan. I didn’t call Owen to ask if he was doing okay.
I shut myself in my room and tried to remember what it felt like to be Ryan’s girl.
To kiss his lips and to hear him laugh and to have his arms around me.
I decided to drill myself into a routine. I was going to stay away from Ryan for four years and graduate first. Then I was going to find him and apologize.
The court case could have dragged on for months, my father pushed for the court dates and hearings to commence urgently.
One month later, Ryan walked out of court as a free man.
All charges against him were dropped. Principal Bolton was charged with first-degree murder, intimidation, domestic abuse, along with federal charges of money laundering and fraud.
Wendy gave her testimony that Billy Bolton had abused her for years and she had kept photos of her bruises on a secret email with a time and date stamp.
The local newspaper reported the entire story.
It said the police also found a recording of Bolton’s confession to killing Ryan’s father and drugging Marcy.
Billy went to prison but a week after his conviction, Billy Bolton got into a fight with one other prison inmate and was stabbed multiple times.
He died later that night in the hospital bed all alone.
I overheard the whole ordeal in bits and pieces for weeks. My father wanted me to know how dangerous this case was, how Ryan was tangled in various offenses, and it was wise for a girl like me to stay away from a man like him.
I should have been there for Ryan. He must have been so traumatized listening to the evidence and reliving those gory details about his father.
When I heard the jury verdict, relief washed over me. It felt like a weight was taken off my chest. Ryan was safe. He was coming home. I ran down the stairs, fetching my car keys to drive to his home. Only Dad was blocking my way and reminding me of my promise to him.
The next day Ryan left town and moved to Chicago. It felt like he was waiting to get away from me as soon as possible. He didn’t try to contact me.
He was starting fresh, erasing all memories of every bad episode that was cheating him of his happiness, including me.
We reach the restaurant, the same one that Ryan took me to on our first date.
Parakalo is a beautiful place any other day, but today it feels gloomy.
We sit at the twelve-seat long table overlooking the green lawn.
My cousins chat loudly while I stare outside the window.
My gaze drifts to the table where Ryan and I sat once.
There is an older couple sitting at our table today, sipping wine and smiling at each other.
The woman tears off a piece of crusty bread with her fingers and feeds it to the old man.
He eats from her hands and says something to her, making her laugh loudly.
His hand lovingly touches hers on the table.
My breath shudders and I turn away from them.
I don’t want to jinx their happiness. I don’t want them to see how shamelessly I am jealous that she gets to be with her love.
The server brings in our food and a plate of the char-grilled fish is placed in front of me. The dish is exactly like the one I had the last time I was here.
“Excuse me. We ordered the boneless and skin off,” my dad voices.
“Sorry about that. I will have that changed for you right away, sir,” the server says.
As he is about to pick the dish up, I stop him. “No, that’s okay. I want it with the skin and bones. Thank you.”
“But, Ishy, you hate these things. You don’t know how to take out the bones or the skin,” my dad starts.
I turn to my dad. “I know what I like. My tastes have changed. I can make my own decisions.”
Dad frowns hard, a dent appears between his eyebrows, wrinkles around his face show his objection and displeasure for my rebellious attempt. He folds his arms over his chest, waiting for me to take a bite of the fish in front of me.
With my fork, I dig into my fish, pulling out a piece of meat with the charred skin.
He fed me that night. And later I had kissed him and he kissed me back.
I place the morsel into my mouth and chew.
The skin feels like rubber and it’s a taste and texture I am not used to.
My stomach revolts. But I don’t stop, I pick up one forkful after another and shove it into my mouth in repeat, with brutal intent.
Tears burn at the back of my eyes. My lips tremble as I think about how he was treated unfairly that night too.
I am aware everyone at my table is staring at me.
I have a whirlpool of emotions fighting inside me.
He told me once, ‘You don’t like skin and bones, Ishika. You don’t like the ugly and crude. You wish to stay free from the undesirable and gross parts. You opt for the neat and elegant because that’s what you’re accustomed to. Nothing wrong with that.’
But you see there is everything wrong in that. I tried to choose the good parts of him. I turned my back when he showed me his ugly.
I wish I could tell Ryan today that I want his ugly.
I want him with skin and bones, with all of his gory pasts and his beautiful desirable parts mixed with everything that makes him who he is.
I don’t want to pick him apart. But I can’t tell him that when I don’t even know where to find him. When I know he hates me.
I stuff my face with fish until my mouth is so full that I can’t even chew.
Tears run down my cheeks, my heart cannot contain this pain anymore.
At the same time, a bone pierces the back of my throat making me gag.
Darting out of my chair, I run toward the door that leads to the back of the restaurant.
As the cool fresh air hits my face, I hunch down and unload the contents in my mouth.
My mom comes running after me, holding me as I dry heave and cough.
Suddenly I am shaking from head to toe and sobbing for what I have lost.
Forgive me, Ryan. Please come back. Please give me a second chance. I can’t live without you.
I can’t stop crying. I am curled up in a ball on my bed, my heart aches, my head hurts, and I want to be alone.
But my parents are in my room. Sadie is in my bed beside me looking worried.
I called her, asking her to come and stay with me tonight.
My cousins went back to their home with carryout boxes.
I efficiently managed to ruin Dad’s birthday.
“It’s that fellow, isn’t it? It’s him again.
Instead of concentrating on your studies, your internship, and preparing for dental school, this is what you do.
Behave like a lovesick teenager. There are so many important things for you to accomplish and yet you are acting so foolishly, Ishy.
I’m so disappointed in you. You are simply dragging on an issue that has ended a long time ago,” Mama says.
That fellow.
It’s such a bother for her to even utter Ryan’s name. Like it’s so embarrassing for her that her perfect daughter is not her obedient child anymore. Like she expects me to turn off a switch and not feel anymore.
“Yes, that fellow. That fellow has a name. His name is Ryan Harper. I love his name. You can be disappointed all you want because I’m frustrated with my parents too.
You don’t see that I’m in pain. You don’t see what this is doing to me.
You want me to pretend I’m fine and okay.
I am not okay, Mama. I can’t do this anymore.
You treat me like a child whenever it pleases you.
You taunt me to grow up and be responsible whenever it suits you.
In all this you forget I’m an adult. I can decide what’s right for me.
And if it’s wrong, I can face consequences. ”
“It’s our job to protect you. You’ll always be a child to me, even when you’re fifty years old,” Dad yells at me.
“When you tried to contact him, Ryan didn’t reply, did he?
Have you considered that maybe he might not want to get in touch with you?
Maybe he choose a path that is different to what you planned with him.
Plans change, Ishy. Feelings change. You will grow out of this pain eventually. ”
Suddenly I have a suspicion. I get off the bed and walk over to my father. “Dad, did you tell Ryan to stay away from me?”
My father hesitates. “I didn’t want him anywhere near my daughter. He got the message.”
His answer proves that I must make a decision or regret it forever.
“I’m moving out. I’m staying at Sadie’s tonight and I’ll look for my own place later this week. I’ll come back to collect my things later.”
“You’re being ridiculous, Ishy,” Dad snaps.
“I need a break from you both. The more you force your opinions on me, the more reasons you give me to never want to come back home again.”
I pull out a duffle bag and stuff a few clothes and items of necessity into it, and then I leave.