Chapter 36
Ishika
An hour later George and Kava wave goodbye and leave. Ryan locks the door and turns to me. The air crackles between us as we stand in silence and stare into each other’s eyes.
Instead of approaching me and tossing me over his shoulder, and then throwing me on his bed, he leans his back on the door.
His body language throws me off because he has his arms folded across his chest and he is staring at me, waiting for me to say something first. My throat is dry again.
I have practiced for hours how I would tell him those three words, but right now words escape me.
“They aren’t coming back?” I ask.
“Not until tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry about this morning. I should’ve stayed and waited to speak to you before making any irrational assumptions.”
“You’re sorry for trying to run away from me today?” There’s a sternness in his eyes, like he doesn’t believe me completely. That he still assumes that I can bolt out of that door any minute now.
“Yes, I am. I won’t do it again.”
“Today wasn’t the first time you ran from me. You have done it before. You tried it last night and again this morning. Now you want me to believe that you won’t do it again.”
“I won’t because things have changed since last time.”
“Changed, how?”
“I came here last night to say something and I’m not afraid to say it now.”
“What did you want to say?”
“I love you,” I breathe out, like I was suffocating holding on to that secret until now. I want to scream to the world that I love him.
The hardness in his eyes softens and he pulls his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking in air sharply. But instead of running up to me and pulling me flush in his arms, he simply maintains his position at the door, taking me in from top to toe.
If he needs convincing, I have come prepared.
So I continue, “When we were together back at home, I wasn’t sure of my feelings.
I didn’t know what to make of them. I brushed it off as lust at first. You made me feel alive like no one ever had.
I thought my need for you was physical. But I was falling for you so hard and so fast. That thought terrified me, but you made me yours that night after the movies.
You revealed a piece of your heart the next morning on that cliff.
When I promised to not break your heart after your match, I had meant it.
When you came over to my house for the barbecue, I saw how you cut me off when your past collided with your present.
You were hurting and I had tried to talk to you, but your response to me was so cold.
I felt helpless that night, I really felt like you blamed me for the company I keep.
So, when your mother and my parents asked me to end our relationship for the sake of our career goals and a better life for you in a new city, I did exactly that.
I was hoping that you would heal from your painful past and maybe one day we could be together without the baggage of our pasts.
But when I decided to break up with you, you accused me of keeping that USB as collateral. I saw how much you hated me.
“I realized I’d made a huge mistake by not being completely honest with you but it was too late for me to make amends.
After Bolton was convicted, you left town.
You were a free man with a fresh start and bright future ahead of you.
I should’ve let you live your life. I really tried to not contact you but I was left with this broken feeling, this immense misery, the jealousy and desperation.
I had to be selfish to fix myself back again.
So, I came here looking for you. Because turns out, you’re my answer to everything that’s broken inside me.
“I am in love with you. I want to love you with no end date to our relationship. I’ll love you even if you can’t love me back. I understand that I broke your trust but I’ll wait until you can trust me enough.”
He sighs heavily as a frown sits on his forehead. “So you’re not in lust anymore, you say?”
I blink at his question. “Huh? What? No, I mean yes. I mean lust changed to love.”
“So you are telling me if I walk up to you now and unbutton your jeans; if I slide my hand into your lace panties and slip my thick long finger between the folds of your pussy, I won’t find you wet?”
Okay!
What!
Oh. My. God!
His gaze does a cruise of my full body, from my toes going up and up, stopping momentarily at the apex of my thighs.
He cocks his head to the side as his eyes scan my midriff.
He is absolutely cocky and provocative as he brings his tongue to lick his bottom lip.
Just a single swipe of pink to remind me what the color of his gorgeous cock is.
“How about your tiny belly button, if my tongue fucks the hole on your navel while I push two of my fingers into your tight little pussy?” He meets my eyes.
“You’re not in lust anymore, right? Does that mean your pussy won’t greedily devour my fingers?
You won’t pant and leak into my hands begging for more? ”
Dear Lord, help me stay objective.
How much I love his filthy mouth.
My legs press together and I clench my pussy to control the throbbing sensation as I feel the hot arousal leak into my panties.
If he keeps talking dirty like this, I will never be able to finish this conversation.
His poker face is a formidable force of nature.
I can’t tell if his dirty questions are a result of burning curiosity of his mind or the passion burning in his loins.
Focus, Ishika. Focus.
I thought this might happen and I am prepared.
He doesn’t understand love from lust. I need absolute concentration to make him see the difference between the two.
Hell, I will have to convince him that sex and intimacy can be wonderful and fun when there is a commitment in place.
I mean a long-term commitment like marriage and kids in the future.
I want to carry our children to full-term in my belly.
I want to hold his hand when I am in the birthing unit.
I want to see his face when he holds our baby for the first time.
I want our children to have his last name.
I want to become his wife and grow old with him.
My lists of wants with him is endless and I want to fulfill them all once my idiot bad boy understands love is so much more precious than simply lust.
“My body reacts to you the exact same way as before. Only difference is this time when I look into your eyes, I can tell you I love you. You’ll see my love for you every day when you look at me,” I explain.
“Hmm! What about when I take you from behind? What if I ask you to take off your pants, then bend you over that couch? If I lift one of your legs and place it on the armrest so your ass is open for me to do whatever I please. If I decide to spank you first for breaking up with me and then spread those delicious cheeks wide, is that going to be lust or love? What ‘bout when you can’t see me but you sense me, when you feel me push my thick hard cock inside you. When my thumb plays with that little virgin hole in your ass? Would you not be in love then because I won’t be looking into your eyes from that position?
What about the days when I decide to blindfold your eyes and tie you up?
When you whimper and cry out my name, when you shamelessly beg for my permission to let you come on my cock, will you not love me then?
Because that is lust, isn’t it? The hunger of flesh pounding flesh and screams of your orgasm filling my ears.
I think I really like you in lust, Ishika. ”
Good Lord!
My lips quiver and with trembling fingers, I touch my mouth. A deep hiss sizzles and leaves my lips. I am burning from the imagery of his words and his promise to fuck me deliciously. I try to calm down the riot of desire that he invokes in me.
“Ryan. Please.”
“Please what?”
My eyes drop to his pants. Is he getting hard because I am fucking soaking down there? His eyebrow arches as he catches me looking and I blush for him.
“How am I supposed to have a conversation with you when you keep putting these dirty images in my head?”
“You used to like dirty. That changed too?”
“No, I like it. I’m still the same girl, Ryan. All I’m saying is I love you. I don’t want you to freak out. I don’t want you to worry or think I expect something in return. Let me love you, Ryan, that’s all I ask. And you can fuck me however you want and I still greedily want it all.”
“But how can we fuck if you’re in love with me. Shouldn’t you call it lovemaking? Or is the right terminology sexual intercourse, coitus, or fornication?”
“Oh. My. Gawd! Why are you being so anal about this?” I press my fingers to my temples really irritated with myself. I don’t even remember what my point was to begin with. I don’t remember what I am trying to achieve here.
“I always wanted to try anal with you.” He says it like a matter of fact. “If we use enough lube and my cock starts pounding your ass, surely that has got to be filed under lust.”
“Aaarh! I’m this close to throwing something at your head. You’re lucky you don’t have a rock in your apartment.” How can he stay so calm while picturing me in dirty, promiscuous positions?
“I’m only trying to understand your point,” he states, leisurely scratching his chin.
I thought love is a matter of the heart while lust is physical.
There has to be a simple way to explain this, but I fail to find the right examples.
In fact when it comes to Ryan, I don’t see the difference between the two things at all because love and lust walk the same line for me.
I desire his body just as much as I desire his heart.
I love this man and it took him two minutes to rile me up with all his descriptive analogies and parallels of lust. His dirty talk has turned my brain into mush.
I look into his eyes and surrender. “All I’m trying to say is - I love you, Ryan Harper. Please be mine.”
His lips quirk up into an indulgent smile as he uncrosses his arms. His dimple winks at me and I am so ready to crawl up to him on my hands and knees if that’s what it takes for him to be mine once again.
Yes! Seduction!
Damn it, I should have stuck to the plan. Oral was my initial plan? Oral would have worked. We would have had an even playing field where he wouldn’t have been able to ruffle my feathers with his dirty talk. My nipples are still perky from the promised ass spanking and crude anal sex.
“So you said earlier that you’ll love me without me having to love you back?”
“Yes. We’ll take it slow. No pressure.”
“I don’t think this is fair for either of us. It won’t work,” he says, shaking his head.
Every muscle in my body tenses. My heart kicks against my rib cage as terror rolls in my gut. I meet his eyes and an intense pause follows. His Adam’s apple bobs and I swallow too.
“Why not? Why won’t it work?”
“Because I’m selfishly in love with you.”
I pause, his confession is like a jolt of electricity coursing through my body. “What did you just say?” I need to hear it again to believe it.
“I love you, Ishika Fernandes. You are mine. Your beautiful soul is mine. Your gorgeous sassy mouth is mine. That curvy ass is mine. Your tight little pussy is mine. Every part of you is mine. I will fight the entire world if anyone tries to take you away from me again. And, I’ll punish you if you ever again try to leave me.
“I’m not giving you an excuse to do this half-assed.
I need your love and I need to love you back.
You’re stuck with me, baby, however hard this ride gets.
No more making decisions alone or for me.
Do you know how many times I could have made love to you in the last months?
You’ll have to do so much overtime to make up for the time lost, your pussy is going to be so sore for the rest of the year. ”
I giggle at his ramblings. Ramblings that I’ve wanted to hear for the last three and a half months.
Ryan loves me.
He takes a single step toward me and I run the rest of the way, bridging the gap.
His hands grab on to my waist and he lifts me up in the air.
My legs wrap around his body as his mouth captures mine.
His tongue first skims my lower lip and when I eagerly latch on to his lips and open my mouth for him, he takes possession of my mouth and kisses me deeply.
It’s a sensual tease at first and then it becomes authoritative.
With that kiss, he reminds me that he owns my heart and my body.
When his eyes close and he is lost in me, my fingers pinch his biceps really hard.
“Ouch! What’s this for?”
I crawl my nails into his back and pinch him again. “You evil man. You love me and yet you tortured me when I tried to confess my feelings for you. Haven’t I suffered enough? You couldn’t just say, Ishika, I get what you are saying. I love you too.”
He chuckles loudly, his eyes crinkling, and my fingers loosen their death grip. I dig my hand into his hair to play with his rich dark strands. I missed the feel of his hair on my fingers. God, I love this man so much.
“You were so intent on explaining the difference between love and lust, I didn’t want to ruin your pitch.”
I slap his shoulder and then hide my face into the nook of his neck. “Jerk! I was dying inside. You could have stopped me sooner.”
“I could but, baby, it was so worth it. Watching you blush and go crimson everywhere. Especially when you checked out my cock from the corner of your eye. Knowing how your mind was in the gutter the whole time when you spoke about not being in lust anymore.”
“Shut up, I wasn’t looking at your cock. I can’t help it when you talk dirty. I have no control the way my body reacts to you, I turn depraved.”
He lifts my face with his fingers to my chin, his thumb caressing my lips, his eyes holding on to me.
“That’s love, babe. The best kind of love. Carnal, unfiltered, original. And absolutely mine.” He pecks the corner of my mouth. “This good girl belongs to this bad boy. Nothing can change that anymore.” He pecks the other corner of my mouth.
“I love this bad boy and I love these bad boy kisses. I have literally starved for these bad boy kisses.”
“Show me then, how much you want me.”