Chapter 21
Twenty-One
I feltmy ass leave the seat when I jumped, and my eyes snapped up in shock at the young man who could have been Xander’s double—Jasper.
Fuck.
Jasper was here. Why?
His dark eyebrows knotted in consternation in a painfully familiar way. His brother often had the same look on his face. Perhaps Jasper could sense my struggle or thought he might be the cause of it because his expression softened.
“What are you doing here?” he repeated, no less insistently but in a far less harsh tone than he had used before. “I got an invitation to Dad’s party this weekend. Aren’t you supposed to be hosting it?”
I was supposed to be a lot of things. Funny how that had changed.
“Um,” I said, stalling for time and scanning the bar for Xander. “It’s hard to explain,” I began nervously, wondering how much I could explain.
There was no way I could tell Jasper the truth. Inappropriateness aside, whatever I said would further sour things between him and his father, possibly his brother, too.
While I had a good relationship with Jasper, he was foolishly vocal about his dislike of Henry, much to his father’s chagrin. Unlike Xander, who could mask his true emotions under a thick layer of ice, Jasper was hotheaded.Henry had taken almost a sadistic pleasure in breaking Jasper and punishing the poor boy for daring to speak up.
He’d done the same thing to me, I realized. Then why did it take me so long to leave him?
It wasn’t because I loved Henry; I was now positive of that much. While his betrayal stung, I felt no pain at losing him. Perhaps love had made me bitter, though I questioned whether I’d ever loved him at all. Henry caught me at a vulnerable time, and at most, I had a fleeting infatuation with what he represented.
The enchantment was over the moment we got married. I became indifferent and let things slide, doing as he asked. When Henry suggested that I stay home, I accepted my fate much too easily. I created a self-inflicted prison and barely saw the sun. Like a willing sacrifice, I went into exile because I lost my motivation to fight and didn’t care what happened to me.
I didn’t have a reason for my apathy except that I no longer had the willpower to take a stand. The numbness started the day Xander walked out of my life. I lost the will to live life to its fullest—or at all—and couldn’t comprehend why.
I told myself I felt betrayed because Xander thought I was a gold digger. If I were being fully honest with myself, a part of me also resented him for acting like he cared but then discarding me like trash. Of course, I was wrong in feeling this way. Why would he have stuck around for my sake?
All the same, I couldn’t shake this irrational bitterness—Xander abandoned me in hell without a backward glance. Not even one phone call or email in three long years.
I knew these were unrealistic expectations. Xander had no obligation to me, and I didn’t want to sully his name to Jasper. I wanted to keep Jasper out of the family drama. For such a young age, he had already suffered too much, and I had a soft spot for him.
“Your father and I—” I hesitated, thinking desperately. Why not a partial truth? “We had an argument.”
His dark brows lifted. “What kind of argument?”
“Don’t worry about it, sweetie. It’s between your father and—wait. What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in college.”
Jasper rolled his eyes as if such motherly statements were beneath me. “I flew in for winter break.”
Shoot. I forgot. My former home had been devoid of holiday joy. I spent Christmas alone this year since Jasper spent it with Xander, and Henry skipped town in favor of work.
If only I had known work meant mistress.
“I checked Xander’s socials and saw the team was at Secord’s—” He broke off at the sound of approaching footsteps. He turned just as Xander set two drinks on the table. For once, his eyes weren’t on me.
“Jasper,” he said. “Thought you weren’t coming into town until the weekend.”
“I flew in early.” Jasper seemed almost comically relieved to see his brother. “I stopped by to see you before visiting Mom.” Glancing at me warily, he added, “What’s going on? Jordan said she and Dad had a fight?”
“That’s putting it mildly. The sick fuck is back to his old tricks.” The sick fuck being my husband. “He brought his mistress to their house, then put a fist through Jordan’s face.”
Jasper swung around to look at me again, his eyes widening as he belatedly noticed the fading bruise I’d laboriously attempted to cover up with a heavy-duty foundation.
Oh my god, Xander, I thought, giving him a look of my own. Why did you tell him about what Henry did?
“That motherfucker,” Jasper said under his breath. “Did she hit him back?”
“I did,” Xander announced without remorse. “I broke his nose, then got Jordan out of there. Now he’s making pathetic empty threats.”
Jasper wore an unsure look of concern. Henry didn’t make empty threats.
“Can you tell me what he said to you?” I pressed since Xander had been tight-lipped about the exact exchange with his father.
At the same time, Jasper’s eyes flicked between us. “I don’t know what the fuck’s going on, but—” He nodded in the vague direction of a few girls who had noticed Xander’s presence and were creeping closer to listen. “—maybe we should talk about this later.”
Xander glanced at the girls with a look of disinterest. “Good point. Let’s talk about it at home,” he said.
“Sounds good.” Jasper hesitated a moment longer. “Uh. Good to see you, Jordan. I guess I’ll see you back at the house. I’m… uh, really sorry about Dad. He’s a fucking asshole.”
I couldn’t meet his gaze. There was no way Jasper bought what Xander was selling. Why would Xander come to my rescue after we hadn’t seen each other in years? He must know there was more to it.
“Thanks, sweetie.” I wanted to hug him but didn’t quite dare, and the look on Xander’s face was actually starting to scare me. “I’m sorry, too.”
Jasper provided the details of his visit with their mother and made plans to talk to Xander at the estate. While he listed the logistics, Xander kept stealing glances my way. The looks he cast me were marred with impatience, like he couldn’t wait for another second.
As soon as Jasper was out of the door, Xander reclaimed the seat next to mine. My fingertips seared as he purposefully grazed them when handing me a drink. He studied me quietly for a few moments. “We have to hang out here for a little while longer, and then we’re good to go.”
“No problem,” I told him, not minding the delay. Since I didn’t have to host or cater to others, it was the first time in years I was enjoying myself in a social setting.
“This is the bar I was telling you about,” he added in an undertone. “The one where the beer is under five bucks. The time warp.”
I tilted my head toward him and blinked rapidly when I realized how close his face was to mine. He had surprisingly long lashes for a man with such a harsh face.
I turned away, ducking my head toward my drink. The skin on the nape of my neck prickled as his hand glided up my thigh. He leaned in and whispered, “Remember? At the club?”
His father’s club, I realized. The lunch where he’d kissed me, and then he… I squeezed my eyes shut.
Even now, I could feel the cold surface of the door rubbing against my ass as he held me against it and took what he wanted—his hand sifting through my hair, his clean scent, his large hand wrapped around my throat. A tremor vibrated from my pussy, and I clenched my jaw to hold back a moan the erotic image elicited.
A wave of self-loathing washed over me.
How could I imagine, let alone want, these vile things, and with him of all people? Why couldn’t I get these wayward physical responses under control?
“I remember,” I told him quietly.
For a man who had displayed a barbaric amount of possessiveness, he was now curiously subdued. “I had fun that day,” he said.
“I did, too.” The words floated up, catching me off guard. And it was true, I had—until he had complicated things. Until he’d made me question everything. Until he’d taken me as if I were a misplaced jewel that he could simply pluck and relocate.
I said nothing more and sipped the drink I was starting to like. His teammates’ loud and jocular voices were mere feet away. Most of them rejoined us after grabbing another round of drinks. I was surprised they chose to return to the table and get to know me better rather than flirt with the girls at the bar like Kai and Logan. The jukebox debate had finally settled, and strains of “Black Magic Woman” filled the worn-down but cozy bar. The guys were also successful in their endeavors and led girls to the dimly lit corner cleared away for dancing.
The rest of the guys were hanging around the table still. Xander’s eyes kept flicking between them and me, watching everyone like a hawk.
“Dance with me?” he asked suddenly, the expression on his face so alien it took me a moment to realize that it was because he thought I might say no.
Saying no would have been the right thing to do, but I couldn’t get myself to push the word out of my lips. Thoughts scrolled through my mind, chaffingly sharp through the haze of alcohol, and I pushed the bottle away from me at last.
“Okay,” I said and took his hand, allowing him to help me up from the table.
Xander led me to the dance floor. Déjà vu settled in when he swayed me in his arms, and then an alarming realization flashed in my mind. It had been years since I danced, and the last time was actually with Xander at one of his father’s parties.
Xander spoke before I could dwell on the disturbing insight. “I can’t stop thinking about kissing you,” he murmured under his breath.
That was when I caught the way he stared at me like he couldn’t wait to take me again. He was barely holding himself back because people were watching us.
“I’m getting tired of sharing you with other people,” he added. “I’m going to strip you naked as soon as I get you home, and then?—”
His eyes narrowed when I dropped his hands. Did he even care that the players on his team were nearby and knew we were related?
“I hope I got you pregnant last night,” he announced out of the blue.
I tore away from him entirely. “What?”
The comment was so unexpectedly from left field that I staggered. He hadn’t brought this up again, and I had wondered whether I had made up the troubling thought in an intoxicated state.
But Xander was serious. “I hope you’re pregnant with my baby right now,” he said more persistently. His eyes flicked to the table. I followed his gaze to find some of the guys from the team watching us.
Had seeing me around other men triggered this dramatic reaction?
“What’s wrong with you?” I snapped, having reached my limit on this crazy train. “Seriously, why are you doing all of this?”
“I told you why,” he said mildly.
Had he? I desperately scanned my brain to recount our conversations.
It didn’t matter what he had said to me. This was too much. I’d dreamed of having a baby, but a child with my stepson wasn’t a shame I could bear.
“I-I—” Shock rendered me speechless, but Xander took it as compliance.
Unaware of the dread that wouldn’t let me respond, he took hold of my hands again. I stood frozen as he moved me across the dance floor like a pawn on the chessboard. He kept me tightly locked in his arms until the song ended.
As soon as the dance was over, I tore away from him. He appeared wary when I hastily stepped back. Something constricted in my heart about being the one to put that wounded look on his face. I couldn’t tell if I was being too harsh with him or if my anger was justified.
“I have to use the bathroom,” I explained, wanting to soften the blow but also needing some space.
He nodded. “All right. I’ll walk you.”
Of course, he will.
As we followed the signs to the restroom, he nodded at the security guards he had sicced on me since this morning. When I confronted Xander about them, he insisted that he always had security at practice.
Bullshit.
This wasn’t my first rodeo with men who treated me like a possession; I knew the drill. The nod meant one of them would be the lookout around the building in case I tried to climb out the bathroom window, and the other would guard the bar entrance while Xander waited for me outside the bathroom door.
Where did he think I’d go? I had no one and no money or alternative to staying with Xander. It was the price for writing my life away to another domineering man.
More and more, Xander was starting to mimic a spitting image of Henry’s sins. Whereas I had felt apathy toward Henry, I felt red, hot rage at Xander’s actions. I suppose I had higher expectations because he had been my best friend once, and what was broken between us had been eradicated.
At least, there was one thing I learned during my time with Henry.
While guards may not defy the man filling their pockets, they wouldn’t refuse a favor for the person they were safeguarding. At the practice, I persuaded Jamie—one of the guards from Xander’s roster with dark hair and a rigid expression—to run an errand. I patted the purse tucked beneath my underarm with the item Jamie had brought back.
Xander looked torn when we approached the bathroom door, as if the minute of separation could turn into a recipe for disaster. Before he could insist on coming inside, I shut the bathroom door and relished the solitary moment.
I studied myself in the mirror above the sink. My pupils were blown wide like I had been doing cocaine, my hair was lusciously wild, and my skin had a sun-kissed glow, looking healthier than the sickly pastiness it became after marrying Henry.
The animated person I saw in the mirror might as well have been the reflection of a stranger. I couldn’t bring myself to admit why I looked like my old self again after spending a mere twenty-four hours with Xander. The credit for my cheeks sporting color couldn’t possibly go to him.
Shaking my head, I also inspected the damage he had left behind. There were numerous bite marks around my chest. The angry red streaks looked territorial, like ownership stamps. No doubt he might try to do more damage after sharing my attention with the men at this bar.
With a sigh, I stared down at the tiny, white packet Jamie had procured under my guidance. I debated my decision for one unsure moment as images of tiny hands and feet flashed in my mind. It put me in a choke hold, but reality quickly squashed the emotion.
Xander was much too young to be tied down. This fixation with me must’ve stemmed from years of resentment toward Henry. The moment it ended, I’d be in the rearview mirror and left to raise my stepson’s child.
I popped the pill in my mouth, using the sink water to swallow it down. Unsure how Xander would react to birth control pills—after telling him that I wasn’t on them—I stashed the remaining tablets in the inner pocket of my purse.
“Jordan!” Xander called from the other side of the bathroom door. “You done? We’re good to leave.”
I closed my eyes and breathed in through my mouth. “Be right there.”