15 - Samantha
In the middle of thenight, I shoot straight up to a sitting position, in a state of panic. While trying to slow my breathing, and the thumping in my chest, I reach over to my bedside nightstand for my water. In an effort to calm down, I do a counting exercise and then take a few sips feeling the cool water trickle down as I swallow. What in the actual hell, Sam?
After a few minutes, I settle back down into my blankets, hugging my pillow, wanting to relax but my racing thoughts won’t allow it.
I reach for my phone, needing to talk to my bestie. At the same time, I don’t really want to wake her. Then again, we have an anytime policy. It’s three in the morning, here goes nothing. I shoot her a text.
Hey...are you up?
I get up and go to the bathroom while waiting to see if she responds. I try to put a finger on what’s bothering me. I have a couple of good reasons to be out of sorts. They’re called my kidneys. Since they are acting juvenile and not cooperating, I have a lot to go to the complaint department about. If my body would just handle the medicine better, they wouldn’t have gotten so far gone with my illness. If I had told Roxy sooner that I didn’t feel good, maybe we could have gotten treatment started sooner. So many ifs and maybes. Enough to drive me crazy.
I check my phone, nothing yet. She must be asleep. Good for her. At least Cynthia can sleep well and enjoy her senior year and have more to look forward to. I hang on to hope for her sake that she’ll have a lot of precious moments and I hope Knox gives them to her.
Being in Yearbook club has shown me that precious moments are all around us if we only look and recognize them. Too many people just function, getting by and barely scraping the potential of what life has to offer. They’re blind in the day-to-day, blaming the clock for harassment to get them to their next scheduled appointment. Or pulling the 9-5 at a job they hate, doing the same things day in and day out. Operating like a hamster in a wheel, they forget to look up and notice details that surround them. I’m positive that some of the students I take pictures of won’t realize they’re in a great moment until the yearbook comes out when they see themselves on the page. That’s how oblivious they already are. It makes me sad.
Maybe that’s my problem. My sadness. My panic. I’m so worried about my illness getting worse and preventing me from having the special moments I want to experience. I’m afraid of never getting those chances. What’s worse? I’m afraid of what else might be happening. I think I’m falling for Phillip.
I look down at my phone again, this time seeing bubbles move.
Cyn: You up, babe?
Yeah. Bad dream or something
Bubbles start and stop. I can almost picture Cyn yawning while trying to see the screen.
Did I wake you?
Cyn: I just snuck in all teeth smiling emoji>
Somehow, I’m not surprised. But then again, I sort of am. How do they keep such a close eye on Phillip, but apparently turn a blind eye to her?
Cyn: Want me to tell you about the rest of my night? eggplant emoji> wet spurt emoji>
Umm, no. I don’t need those details.
Cyn: You feel ok? Sure you don’t remember the dream?
Do I really know what woke me? One minute I was asleep and the next, I was awake and panicked. Part of me wants to talk to Cynthia like I always have, but I think this is about her brother this time. I don’t know if I can get into this subject with her or not. I don’t want any weirdness with my best friend because I’m dating her brother.
Cyn: I’m seeing no bubbles. Want to FaceTime?
NO! I don’t want anyone to hear our conversation
Bubbles immediately happen.
Cyn: You’re catching feels for my brother and it’s wigging you out. That’s why you won’t let me FaceTime. You don’t want HIM to hear us. I’ll call you and we’ll talk quietly. Scouts honor
You were never a Girl Scout
Cyn: Maybe not but I definitely support them. several cookie emojis> licking lips emoji>
I’m worried
Cyn: I’m calling
My phone lights up, my ringer on mute, and I answer it.
“Hi Cyn.”
“What kind of friend would I be if I let you wig out by yourself? I’m not sure if I should be offended or what.”
I hear a sucking noise. “Are you having a lollipop right now?”
“What of it?” she laughs. “Now, lay it on me. Give up the goods. What freaked you out?”
“I got home tonight to a note from Roxy. The doctor called and scheduled another test.” I go on to explain how I’m scared I won’t get well and that I’m watching all these other kids have a great time and I’m afraid of not having the same chance or wrecking experiences for Phillip because he’s worrying about me being sick.
“I was right. You are catching feels. I haven’t seen my brother this happy in a while so whatever is going on between you two is a good thing.” I hear her make noises of adjusting. She speaks when I stay quiet. “They scheduled another test?”
“Yeah. I haven’t had a chance to tell your brother yet.”
“When are you going to tell him?” I hear what sounds like her door opening and some whispering but can’t make out who it is. “I’m talking to Sam. She had a nightmare.” I hear something else, like a phone changing hands. “Samantha?”
“Hi.” I let out a shaky whisper.
“You ok?”
“I have room for improvement.” I love hearing his voice.
“Unlock the balcony. I’m coming over.”
“Ok.”
He hands the phone back to Cynthia. After a second, she talks. “I’m pretty sure you’re not the only one catching feels.”
“Did you wake him?” I sound like I’m admonishing her as I get up and make sure the door to my balcony is unlocked.
“No, I didn’t. He was up and popped his head in my room.” I hear some more shuffling. “He cares for you, Sam. I know it.”
“I’m seriously feeling things for him too. It terrifies me. This illness scares the hell out of me and I don’t want to drag him into a real shit show.”
“Sounds like you have plenty to talk about. He should be about over there by now,” she yawns. “I’m always here, babe. No matter what. Anytime.”
“Pinky swear?”
“You know it.”
Just then, Phillip pops his head into my bedroom through my balcony door. “Wallflower?” he whispers. The moonlight behind him makes his silhouette dark and mysterious, but as he steps into my bedroom, my eyes focus seeing him better.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I tell Cynthia before she hangs up. I set my phone on the nightstand and look at Phillip as he kneels beside me at my bedside. “Hi.”
My eyes water.
He looks at me, worried. “Hey, what’s this?”
I sigh. “Bad dream, I think. Not sure really, just woke up panicked.” I shrug before dropping my face into the palms of my hands to cry.
Phillip wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer and suddenly I’m encased in his warmth. He’s on his knees and I’m on the edge of my mattress. “You were fine when we got home. What scared you so bad?”
I pull back, sniffing. “I came home to a note from Roxy. The doctor scheduled that test. I think it just spooked me.”
“More than the haunted trail?” My face falls at his attempt to make a joke to soothe me. Instead, he traces my hair away from my face with his fingertips, ducking to get me to look at him again. “It’s just a test. Doctors have to do them to figure out next steps.”
“The logical part of my brain knows that, but the other part is scared.” I feel more tears threaten. “You had no idea what you signed up for when you said you wanted there to be an us.”
A crease forms between his brows. “I’m where I want to be. And I’ll be with you whenever your test is.” I yawn and shiver, getting a little cold. “You need some rest. How about I lay with you for a little bit. Will that help?”
My chest cracks a little with his offer. I know I’m guilty of what Cynthia accused me of. I’m having serious feelings for this guy. His kindness knows no bounds. And I know I want more time to experience so many things with him. I just hope I get the chance.
“Yes.” I nod my head, wanting him to stay a while.
He gets off his knees and pulls his shirt over his head, draping it over the back of my chair. Jesus by the river...that’s mine? Whew! Phillip sets the alarm on his phone. “Alright Wallflower, all set.” He looks at my expression, confused, but catches me gaping before I’m able to school my features. “What is it?”
You’re gorgeous. “You won’t get in trouble staying over?” I scoot back toward the headboard.
He climbs onto my bed, staying on top of my covers, pulling the extra throw over himself. I get settled in my blankets before he turns to his side and lays his arm over to hold me.
“I’ll slip out before anyone wakes.” He kisses my temple. “Even if I did get in trouble, it’s worth it.”
I let out an unsteady breath, so many emotions and thoughts floating through me. He squeezes me briefly. I lay my hand over his and squeeze back.
“Phillip?”
“Yeah baby?”
“Good night.”