25 - Samantha
My kidneys continueto rebel, producing results the doctors don’t like and so I find myself going to dialysis. Phillip and Roxy take me to my first appointment where we learn they’ll weigh me each time, check my blood pressure and other vitals and monitor me over the few hours each session will take, which happens to be three times a week. This is, of course, after they insert the needles and hook me up to the machine and all that. I hate needles so it’s the part I pay the least attention to by default.
I’m thankful when Phillip helps distract me during that part. When I turn my head away from the nurse, he speaks to me gently and quietly, touching our foreheads together. It’s so sweet I almost don’t feel embarrassed when I cry. But once everything is taped in place, Phillip brushes my tears away, placing one on his own cheek.
“You cry, I cry.” Then he kisses my ear whispering, “I’m here, baby. I’m with you.”
The nurse explains what to expect during my first few sessions, how sometimes when transitioning into dialysis, muscle cramps, dizziness and nausea can happen. Headaches can happen too but should go away before long and if I feel unwell beyond that, we should contact them immediately. However, she explains it is also contingent on following my diet and helping the kidneys try to do their job despite the challenges.
She also explains how I’ll be allowed to bring a blanket and pillow of my own to my sessions if I want to relax and take a nap. Or if I feel up to it, I can do homework or whatever. Once hooked up, the next four hours are fairly flexible depending on how I feel. Today, I’m pretty worn out.
As usual, Phillip notices and offers for me to rest against him, using his jacket for a blanket. He leans toward my ear and says, “Now we know what to bring next time. We’ll bring your blanket and snuggle.”
“Sounds like a date.” I smile, watching Roxy step away with the nurse to fill out some final paperwork.
*
After a few dialysissessions, we’re getting the hang of it.
“Want a nap today or do homework?”
I sigh, “so tired today. Quick nap and then homework.”
“Alright.” He reaches into a backpack we brought and gets out a fleece blanket. “Wrap up.”
“Get under with me.”
“Of course, let me take my hoodie off first.” Phillip removes his hat and reaching behind his head, slips it off, revealing a Hurricanes football t-shirt and muscles. Then he climbs up into the bed with me and covers us up, careful not to interfere with any of my tubes.
“You’re warm,” I sigh, adjusting to get comfortable. I can’t believe how fast sleep is pulling me under today. “You always get hot under the blanket.”
“Just hot for you,” he whispers near my ear before kissing my cheek. “Rest, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
*
Hectic days turn intoweeks of scheduled appointments, homework, Yearbook club and Phillip, but it’s pretty routine and manageable. Since the dialysis seems to be helping, that makes things a little easier. I’m not without symptoms, but I don’t seem to be getting worse, so there’s that.
One afternoon, Phillip comes over when I’m already partway through watching a movie. He finds his place next to me on the couch easy enough and nestles in, his body thrumming with mild tension that is usually there after a practice or something Coach arranged.
“What are we watching?”
“Older movie, Steel Magnolias.”
“Chick flick?”
“Yeah. Want me to change it?”
Phillip doesn’t say anything, just fiddles with his phone and then says he’s gonna make a slushy. “You want one?”
“Sounds good, thank you.”
I hear the slushy maker and kitchen cabinets as he grabs glasses and throws ice in the machine making our slushies. I smell popcorn too. Soon he’s back with me on the couch but he doesn’t say anything, just starts listening to the movie.
The women are talking and explaining how Julia Robert’s character needs a kidney and her mother is going to give her one. Phillip’s phone goes off and he checks a message, but I keep watching the movie, sipping my crushed ice, and enjoying a handful of warm popcorn. Pretty soon the family is playing games the night before surgery and Julia’s father doesn’t like the joking that’s going on. Phillip scoffs and gets up to go to the bathroom.
Eventually, he returns, settling in next to me again. We enjoy some more of our slushy and Phillip gives me a very cold, very grape kiss and I smile, pulling my blanket up because I’m cold but not complaining about it. By this time, Julia collapses and is in the hospital on the screen. Phillip gets up again.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“I’m good, Samantha. Gonna grab something from the kitchen.”
Again?
I reach for the controller and hit pause, getting up from the couch and make my way to him in the kitchen. He’s leaning back against the counter, his arms crossed when I find him.
“Phillip?” He’s staring down, and although crossed, his arm muscles are flexing, tense and sculpted. I lightly touch one and then they unfold, quickly taking me in them. “Talk to me.”
I hear and feel him take several breaths, my head resting on his broad chest as we stand there. Finally, he speaks. “I can’t.”
“Can’t, what?” Alarms go off in my head immediately. Is he breaking up with me? Is this the moment I’ve been dreading, playing out in my mind that he’s not gonna want to be around me anymore? That he would want to seek a healthy girlfriend who can go do normal things? I wouldn’t fault him. How could I? He deserves to be happy but my God, in this moment, panic sets in that this might be it. I don’t think I can face that.
I know I can’t.
I absolutely can’t lose Phillip.
I lift my head, but he squeezes me enough to signal he’s not letting me go. That’s a good sign, I think. I hope. I look up to see his expression, full of torment. “Can’t what, baby?”
“I can’t watch that shit. I’m sorry, but that movie—”
“It’s the movie? Jesus! I can change the movie or shut it off. I thought you were about to tell me you couldn’t do us.” My eyes leak, happy he’s not breaking up, but sad because I can’t believe I accidentally upset him this bad.
“No, hell no! We’re good.” He crushes me to him, dropping his head to the crook in my neck. “The movie’s gotta go though.” His voice is muffled from where his head rests and is also tinged with pain. It breaks my heart. But I nod, putting two and two together.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. You pick a new one, okay?”
“I don’t want to watch tv.” He lifts his head and looks down at me. I love him so much, and in this moment, I love him more than I ever have. “I want to make a bed on the balcony and look at the stars with you.”
I giggle. “I like your idea but it’s not dark out yet.”
He leans down to rest his forehead to mine. “Then we can read.”
I tilt my face and kiss his chin, watching him as I do so. His hands slide up and down my arms as if warming me before I sink into his chest. I turn my head to the side, and he rests his chin on my head, wrapping me in his arms like a safe cocoon.
“Either way I need to hold you.” Phillip’s voice is strained but I don’t say anything.
“Take me upstairs.”