26 - Samantha
A few days later, we’rehanging out again at my house. Phillip’s being so attentive. I sometimes feel guilty about how incredible he treats me. I often think he would make a great doctor. His bedside manner is impeccable. But is he only this attentive because it’s me he’s concerned about? Somehow, I don’t think so. He always pays close attention to detail. I just wish he did more for himself sometimes.
“You want a slushy?”
“Sure.” I try to smile, but it takes a lot of effort. I’m so weak today. Even spending time with Phillip is exhausting and I don’t have to lift a finger when he’s around. He won’t let me.
“Flavor or plain?”
“Plain, thanks,” I sigh.
“No problem, baby.” He winks and hops off the couch to get my slushy. I’m so glad we have a slushy maker at home. It’s more convenient than always running into town to the Ice Hut to get one.
It’s nice being on Christmas break. Phillip and I have no real schedule to keep, and we can spend more time together. I close my eyes and listen to the crunching and grinding of ice coming from the kitchen. I can tell Phillip made one for himself too. Probably grape. It’s his favorite. A moment later, he’s back in the living room handing me my crushed ice.
“Thank you.” I smile better this time, and after handing my cup to me, he leans down to kiss me on the forehead.
“Want me to put in a movie?” he asks slurping his slushy.
“What I want is for you to relax. I’m just happy to have you here with me.” Phillip grins, dimples and all. But before he can object, there’s a knock at the door.
“Who can that be? We’re not expecting anyone.”
“I’ll get it.” Phillip sits his grape filled cup on the coffee table and walks over to my front door to answer it. Roxy’s at the shop working as usual, and he isn’t about to let me get up. When he opens the door, he takes a step back.
“Cyn?” I hear him ask. Now I’m more alert than before. “What’s wrong? Why’re you crying?”
Cyn pushes past her brother. Her fast stride across the room more than tells me something is wrong. She plops down right next to me on my couch and puts her arms around me. She begins to cry more intensely. This is unusual and out of character for my best friend. She’s always theatrical, but this is different.
“Sis?” Phillip’s alarmed. He knows this is out of the norm even for her. I put my arms loosely around her. She continues to sob, and I rub her back waiting for an explanation.
“Knox...” Cyn cries. I motion for Phillip to hand her the tissue box and I keep listening.
“Did he hurt you?” Phillip is stern with his question. He offers her the tissue box, but his frame instantly becomes tense and rigid. Protective big brother is kicking in.
“No.” She rolls her wet eyes. Her mascara is running, along with her nose. “He broke up with me,” she huffs, dropping her hands into her lap like they’re holding weights. Phillip and I exchange looks. He’s as confused as I am. We didn’t suspect anything wrong in that relationship.
“Did he say why?” I can’t understand why, out of nowhere, Knox would break up with Cynthia.
She blows her nose, trying to collect herself. “He said something about me being too preoccupied.” She pauses to reach for another tissue. “And that he didn’t understand what was going on. Said there is too much secrecy or blah blah blah. I don’t know.”
“With what?” Phillip shakes his head.
“Like when I go with Sam to her treatments or whatever. He thinks I’m hiding something.” She rolls her eyes. “I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else!” she cries, sobs racking her body.
Suddenly it makes sense. Knox’s imagination is running wild because Cyn is keeping a secret. My secret. Since I don’t want a bunch of people knowing I’m sick, she never told the whole truth. To protect me. Now because of me, she lost her boyfriend.
“No.” I’m not gonna allow this.
“Samantha?” Phillip asks, warily.
Cyn is sniffling and trying to wipe under her eyes. “I’m not blaming you, Sam. He’s just being a jerk.” Her eyes fill up again, and she reaches for another tissue.
“Phillip, go get Knox and bring him here.” I push a blanket back and try to get up. “Cyn, help me up.”
Now, I’m pissed.
“Are you ok?” Phillip knows how weak I am today, and the swelling in my feet and ankles are as bad as they can be. I was doing fine last week and now this. It isn’t a good day by far, and this new development doesn’t help.
“I just need to go to the bathroom. Cyn can take me. Go get Knox. I’m going to talk to him.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Cyn sniffs as she steadies me, helping me up. “You don’t owe him any explanations.”
“He needs the truth, and I’m gonna tell him. After that, it’s up to him. If he wants to stay broken up, then that’s his prerogative, but it isn’t going to be over me.”
“Do you know where he is?” Phillip grabs his keys and takes another gulp of his slushy.
“Said he was going home,” Cyn answers. We’re almost to the bathroom door when I hear Phillip close the door behind him. I also hear his truck roar to life outside. I feel guilty. Again. And pissed. My illness is affecting more lives than just mine, and it’s time to set the record straight.
About thirty minutes later, I hear Phillip’s truck return. I’m back on the couch, propped up and ready to face Knox. My feet are elevated as well, and I’m covered in one of my favorite blankets. My slushy, or chipped ice rather, makes me a little chilly, but my old-faithful fleece blanket warms and soothes me. Cyn tossed it in the dryer and got it really cozy. That was the best part of the last hour.
Cyn immediately perks up, hearing them approach. She’s nervous, I think, because we can hear the guys coming up the porch steps.
“It’ll be ok,” I say trying to sound encouraging. Worry creases her face, not allowing a smooth expression.
Phillip opens the door and lets Knox enter first. He sees Cynthia sitting close to me on the adjacent loveseat. “What is this? Phillip, you said this didn’t have anything to do with your sister.” He’s angry. “I’m out of here.”
Phillip came in behind him for a good reason. He knew Knox would try to bolt. He blocks the doorway putting his hands up to Knox’s chest.
“Just wait. Samantha asked me to bring you here.” Phillip looks genuinely upset. His torn expression is both protective and heartbroken. Agony doesn’t look good on anyone. I can’t be sure, but I’m guessing it’s because he’s concerned for his sister, and anxious for me. We’ve always balanced this delicate truth about my illness. Saying it out loud only made it more real. It sucks, but today it has to be explained.
“Knox. Please,” I begin but my voice cracks and I clear my throat. “If nothing else, I just need to explain something.” I’m so exhausted. I desperately want a nap, but it will have to wait. My eyelids are growing heavy, but I will get through this. I have to.
Cyn bites the nails she doesn’t have left, but she remains quiet to let me speak my piece.
“Come on, man. Just listen to her.” Phillip has already closed the door. He softly steps around Knox and joins me on the couch. Knox slowly turns around to face me, and when he does, his expression’s not hard to read.
“I look that bad, huh?” I chuckle, making a joke about myself. I put my hand up as if I need to stop something. “Don’t answer that.” I don’t have my usual makeup on, and I know the circles under my eyes are almost at a raccoon state. I’m puffy too from my swelling being out of control. I usually have a pretty rough day before one of my dialysis treatments and my next treatment is scheduled for tomorrow. It’s obvious I look exactly how I feel. Like shit. Some days are better than others. I’m thankful that today’s not one of my throw-up days, yet I’m hoping this is just transitional and it’ll improve.
“Here’s the thing, Knox. I’m sick. Not contagious sick, but bad sick, and I work pretty hard for people not to find out. I swore Cynthia to secrecy. Phillip too. I’m on a lot of medications and now I’ve had to start dialysis.” I pull up one of my sleeves to show him my bruises. Phillip flinches like it directly pains him for me to show this to anyone. He gently pulls my sleeve back down, takes my hand in his and softly rubs my hand with his thumb. “The doctors are trying to get me well, but my body’s not cooperating.” Phillip’s eyes are glassy now. I look away from Knox and focus on Phillip’s troubled gaze. “Eventually I will be better.” I pat his hand, turning my focus back to Knox. “But today is a rough day.” I pause a moment to let Knox process all the information.
“Dialysis?” Knox asks. He shifts uncomfortably where he’s standing.
“Four hours every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My kidneys are shutting down, so the doctor has to filter my blood by machine.”
“Why? I mean, how did this happen?” Knox shakes his head, frustrated his question doesn’t come out right.
“I know it’s difficult to see someone our age be so sick. It’s even harder when that person is someone you know. It’s scary. It teaches a terrifying lesson that we’re not invincible.” I see the fear soften Knox’s hardened eyes, so I keep explaining. “A few years back, we discovered I had a kidney disease. The name of it is long and confusing to say, it doesn’t matter. Ordinarily it would not have been too bad, but my body does not like medicine most of the time, so it makes it more of a challenge to get better. If I can’t tolerate the medicine, whether I’m allergic to it or I get an adverse effect, it’s a nightmare. The doctors are running out of options.” Phillip turns his head to wipe a tear away and takes a deep breath. I squeeze his hand, and then pull his chin to face me. I wipe his tear and put it on my cheek as he has done for me before. You cry, I cry. Then I turn my eyes on Knox again. “Apparently, my body likes being a science experiment.”
The room is silent.
Uncomfortable, eerie seconds pass.
Knox breaks the silence; his voice is lower now. “So why are you telling me? Why didn’t you tell me?” Knox snaps his head toward Cynthia who’s now working on the nails on her other hand. Her bloodshot eyes are dry, but puffy from crying.
Before she can answer, Phillip interrupts. “It wasn’t her business to tell,” he says defensively.
“Look,” I break in, “don’t be angry with them, please. They were only respecting my wishes. As soon as Cyn told me you had broken up with her, I realized my life was interfering with yours. That’s the last thing I want. I try so hard not to let my illness affect people’s lives, that I didn’t realize when it already was.” I’m not sure what else to say. I told him about my illness. I put myself out there. Now another person knows about the one thing in my life I hate the most.
I close my eyes, squeezing them together. My head is thumping so hard. Great. Another headache.
“Wallflower, are you ok?” Phillip notices me fighting the pain in my head.
“Headache. I’ll be fine.”
“Want me to get the blood pressure cuff?” Phillip automatically asks as always. I know we should keep an eye on my blood pressure, but today I’m not interested. I just want a nap.
I try to smile, but really, I’m miserable and weak. “No, just some medicine.”
“I’ll get it.” Cynthia jumps up from the loveseat. I think she wanted out of the room for a moment.
“Knox,” I begin again, wincing. The sharp pain in my head makes it difficult to think. “If you want to stay broken up, fine. I just don’t want you to think Cyn is hiding something from you. It’s my fault she didn’t explain things better. Be mad at me.”
Cynthia comes back into the room with two Tylenol and a glass of water. I take them immediately, eager to get the thumping in my head under control. She seems hesitant to look at Knox, but I can see his anger has melted away. Adoration begins to fill his eyes when he looks her way. Hopefully I helped.
When I see this, I turn to Phillip, deflated. “I’m so tired.”
“Want me to take you upstairs?” Phillip’s eyes are still shimmering. It must have been hard for him to be reminded of how sick his girlfriend is. If it was, he never complained, but his eyes gave him away.
“Yes.” Phillip uncovers me, exposing my swollen feet, and then scoops me up into his arms. I lean in close to his ear and whisper. “Will you cuddle with me?”
“I was counting on that.” He turns to Knox. “I’m gonna take her upstairs. Do you need a ride home now or do you want to wait a little bit?”
Knox is still in a little bit of shock. Cynthia folds my blanket up for me. I have a buildup of fluid today, but I don’t want to take another water pill yet. I’m too tired and need some rest. When Knox sees my swollen feet, I think he understands why Phillip is carrying me.
“Naw, man. Go ahead. If I need to go, I’ll walk. I’d like to talk to Cyn first.” For the first time since she came over an hour ago, there’s a glimmer of optimism in Cynthia’s eyes. I like how he said if he needs to go. It gives me hope that spilling my guts was worth it. I never wanted my illness to take over my life, let alone my friends’ lives.
“Good enough,” Phillip nods, still holding me. “Cyn, you good?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Cynthia affords herself a slight grin. Phillip climbs the stairs like he’s carrying a feather. His 6’1” football player frame is used to bench pressing twice my weight, so it’s a breeze to carry me. Once upstairs, he leans his back against my door, careful not to bump my feet.
“Need anything?” he asks before gently placing me on my bed. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Phillip’s more attentive to my every need than I could ever ask for. So much in fact, it makes me feel guilty. But right now, I’m too tired for even guilt.
“Just you,” I smile. “Did you think the make out session downstairs would be the only one?” I pull my blanket up around me and settle into my pillow, handing an extra pillow to Phillip.
“Yeah, they’re probably making up.” He shakes his head trying to erase the image of his sister. “I thought you were tired.”
“I am, but a girl can dream.” I take Phillip’s arm and wrap it around me like a second blanket.
“We can make out later,” Phillip chuckles, amused by my admission. Make out is such a teen-phrase. It’s an inside joke between us, so we laugh every time we say it. He kisses me on my forehead as my eyes begin to drift shut. “I love you, Samantha. Get some sleep.”
“Hmm, love you too.” And I’m out.