23. Teddy
TWENTY-THREE
TEDDY
I reread my last message to Nellie no fewer than ten times. I’m a really good shoulder flicker. What the fuck does that even mean? I sent the message about helping her stay awake during the long stretches, then I immediately went somewhere dirty in my mind, and I panicked. Now I’m pretty sure I’ve come off as a weirdo.
Nellie
So I’m in good hands
I wish she was in my hands. I wish I had handled everything better twelve years ago. But that’s easy to think now, when hindsight is indeed twenty-twenty. I know for a fact that if I could go back to my past self and say to my face, Walking away is going to be the biggest mistake of your life , I’d still do it. I’d still send those last two words to Nellie and walk away. Sometimes we need to get lost to find ourselves, and I had to get real lost.
And paws!
The cutest lil paws!
I can practically see her typing that. Her nose scrunches up as she makes an adorable ‘aw’ face, thinking of Kevin’s little paws.
The conversation has been steady so I decide to test my luck.
What are you up to?
Eating salad and watching Downton
I look up from my phone at the show muted on the TV. So much of my time with Nellie has crept back in over the years. When I started to feel more leveled out, I picked a book up again, a well-loved copy of The Forest of Despair I found at a hostel in Australia. While staying with a friend in Hungary, I stumbled across Downton Abbey on TV, and I started watching it again. Things that were only in my life in the first place because of her. And now a couple days away from our trip north, we are sitting in our own homes, watching the same thing and texting each other. This is totally something friends would do.
You?
Just being lazy with Kev until I’ve got to feed the dogs
The life!
At ten to six, I head downstairs to start the task of delivering the food to the dogs’ designated areas. While they eat, I get all the cleanup stuff ready. Everyone gets excited when they find out where I work, but they don’t think about the stuff that doesn’t involve cuddling or playing with dogs. For instance, thirty-two dogs create a lot of waste. This isn’t a case of running out quickly with a poop bag. Picking up dog shit is half of what I do on an average day. But no one wants to hear about that part of the job. “I had a shitty day” means something different in this line of work.
Marley comes out when I’m almost done to take over the last little bit of pick up. I’m grateful because it gives my back a break. It doesn’t take long though before I sense she has an ulterior motive to being so helpful.
“So how are you feeling about the trip?” she asks, dumping a shovel full of shit into the bucket.
“Great. I’m looking forward to seeing Nellie’s operation and, of course, seeing the shelter up there.”
“Good thing Bennett had the extension built this spring, eh?”
I look up at the barn and rub my neck nervously. “He may need to start thinking about another one at this rate.” It’s a beautiful setup, and I can’t think of anywhere better to be a dog. Hell, I can barely think of anywhere better to be as a human. When Bennett offered the apartment to me, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. I have my own space but get to socialize when I want, and he refuses to charge me rent. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have to pinch myself. I never expected to land so steadily on my feet when I moved back to the country.
“He has promised to be better with the adoption side of things this year. Although I have yet to see that come into practice.” Marley rolls her eyes as she puts the lid on the bucket and carries it back towards the barn.
“I can do that,” I insist, jogging after her.
She throws an exhausted look over her shoulder, and I back off immediately.
Marley has an independent streak a mile long, and since her injury, she is almost militant in her need to prove she’s capable of doing things on her own. Nancy said it was because Bennett coddled her a bit too much when she had gotten hurt. Which I can imagine since Bennett is the biggest empath I’ve ever met.
“Have you had dinner yet?” Marley asks after she’s put everything away.
“I’m about to.”
“What are you having?”
I have no idea. I was going to spend the next half an hour rummaging through my kitchen with the intention of making something hot only to decide on a couple of sandwiches.
“Come over. Bennett’s got enough on the barbecue to feed the entire town.”
She doesn’t even wait for me to confirm, just walks back towards the house. Being fed wasn’t part of this arrangement, yet I find myself eating with Marley, Bennett, and occasionally Cass no fewer than three times a week. I usually say yes, but some days I just don’t have it in me to be in the presence of two people who only have eyes for one another. I’m happy for them, but they remind me of my parents, and even after all these years, it’s hard. I can’t help but grieve for their future when one has to let go while at the same time, I’m envious of them for having to face that one day.
After assuring Marley I’ll be over soon, I head up to my apartment to change into something a bit less single-guy-who-lives-in-a-barn. Once I’ve done that, I pull out the machine I have used regularly since I’ve been back home. I hate the squeeze of the cuff as the sensors read my blood pressure. Still normal after three readings.
Three years ago, shortly after giving birth, Zoe had been getting severe headaches at the back of her head while sick with a vicious cough. It was dismissed as neck muscle strain until they took her blood pressure. She was immediately sent for an MRI, and sure enough, there at the back of her brain was a small unruptured aneurysm. Something we had all silently feared could happen to one of us. A fear that had only grown in intensity since Mom. So far, the doctors have advised that no surgical intervention is needed, but Zoe has pleaded with me and Will to pay attention to our health. “You can get this cuff,” she’d said, sending us a picture of the portable blood pressure meter she had. “And maybe get in for a scan. Dr. Tascioni will requisition one, I’m positive.”
I take a picture of the average and then head down for dinner. I could tell myself it’s because I want to spend the evening with company, but I know if I stay home, I’m probably going to text Nellie again, and I’m trying damn hard not to come across as desperate.
“You do realize that Nellie is going to want to keep Kevin, right? This is going to be a trial run that they’ll both ace.” Marley’s reaction is about what I expected after I told them I was serious about taking Kevin along for the ride.
I’m well aware. I may not have spent much time engaging with Nellie since December but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been paying attention. Despite the Christmas puppies all looking alike, aside from Eggnog, she has always gravitated toward Kevin. Choosing him wasn’t a coincidence.
“Well, Bennett does keep talking about finding homes for the pups.” I lean back in my chair, and both Marley and I turn to Bennett with knowing looks.
“What?” he asks innocently. “It’s not my fault the applicants are subpar.”
“All of them?” Marley says.
“Every. Single. One,” Bennett enunciates before standing to clear the plates.
Marley looks over at me with narrowed eyes, and I give my head a subtle shake. There have been countless adoption applications, and most of them were suitable. They just didn’t meet some impossible standard that Bennett has set. I’m sure the standard is that they aren’t clones of him and this place.
I stand and start gathering the serving dishes, but Marley bats me away. “You two stay out here. This is the one thing I get to do without an argument.”
“We can help bring stuff in, Mar,” Bennett says, lifting the plates out of her reach.
“Fine, but you put them down and get out of my kitchen.” She huffs.
“ Your kitchen?” Bennett asks.
“When it is time for dishes, it’s my kitchen. When it’s time to cook, it’s yours and when—” Bennett sets the plates down and covers her mouth with his hand so fast half the cutlery slides across the table. I watch as a blush creeps up his neck to his face, and when I look over at Marley her eyes are crinkled, giving away the giant smile she’s got underneath his hand.
“We’ll drop things off and leave,” he assures her but keeps his hand where it is for a second longer. When he drops it, he does so slowly as if he’s expecting whatever he was trying to keep in, to try and come out again.
Marley smiles up at him and then leads the way inside.
As promised, we set what we’re carrying down and then head right back outside.
“So, how are you really feeling about the trip?” Bennett asks, sitting back down across from me.
I could lie to him, but I am tired of keeping it in. “Honestly? A bit terrified. I feel like I have another chance at a relationship with Nellie, and I’m worried I’ll fuck it up again.”
“We’re talking about a romantic relationship?”
“I’d take friendship at this point, which is all she wants.” Saying it out loud physically hurts .
Bennett studies me, from across the table. “Is that all you want?” he asks.
I have said time and time again that if people wanted to know our story, they would have to ask Nellie, but I feel compelled to keep talking.
“We tried to be friends once. We were good at it too, but the attraction proved to just be too much for her.” Bennett laughs along with me as I buy time to think of what to tell him next. How much can I reveal without letting him see it all? “I don’t know if it was like this for her, but all I could think about when we weren’t together was when we’d be together again. The first time I saw her, all I knew was that I wanted it to not be the last.”
“Love at first sight.” Bennett nods sagely.
“No, I don’t think it was love at first sight. It was intrigue and attraction. There was this want I felt just to meet her and then that turned into a need to know her. And in turn for her to know me. And at the time I thought I might be someone she’d maybe want to get to know.”
“For the record,” Bennett says thoughtfully, “it wasn’t love at first sight for me either. I didn’t even realize I loved Marley until she was gone, and even then, I battled with it. On one hand, I wanted to fully give in, but on the other, what if she never came back? I allowed hope to slip out here and there but until she was standing in front of me—” He looks out towards the forest as if lost in a memory. “It was as if seeing her just cracked every bit of fear I had right off my body. She jokes that I was too easy on her, but I knew that if she was back it wasn’t to test the waters, it was to dive in. And there was no fucking way I wasn’t diving right in with her.”
“I think you have a different view of it than the rest of us did.” I smirk at him. “You seemed fully in before she came back, whether you realized it or not. ”
“And you clearly want Nellie to get to know this version of you—a version, by the way, that reveals itself a little more every time she’s around. When you started, you were this man of mystery, nice enough but guarded. Then you get some Nellie time, even if it’s from afar, and the curtain gets pulled back a tiny bit more. We all see it.”
“No shit,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Not a single one of you has been subtle about it, either.”
“Life is short.” Bennett shrugs. “Screw subtlety.”
Life is indeed short , I think.
“Listen, I don’t know what went down between the two of you, but if repairing the relationship is really what you want to do, I’m sure you’ll succeed. Just don’t lose hope.”
I nod back because the little bit of hope I have seems to be lodged in my throat.