Yield

31. Max

“Sweet peach,” Ryke hums against my ear. His hands rest on my hips as he hides behind me while three guys point paintball guns at us.

“You’re such a coward.” I laugh, slowly gliding my marker to the guy in the center. We’re surrounded in the open, at a stand-off. These guys think they’re going to win. I know where my team is at, unlike them.

“Whenever you’re ready.” He glances at his marker lying on the ground.

“Now.” I pull the trigger, hitting the center target as Ryke falls to the ground picking up his weapon. Alex pops out from the brigade, taking out the guy on the right, while Ryke hits the man on the left in the leg. “Ouch! Son of a bitch!” That fucking hurts! I’m buying a chest protector before we play again.

If I were to guess, it would be lefty that hit me in the ribs. Blue paint splatters the oversized heather blue tee covering my upper body. I went thrifting and bought men’s apparel I can proudly say I didn’t steal from a boyfriend. He kisses me on the cheek and high-fives Alex as he runs over. I drink in the warm breeze as my heart continues to race.

“Hell yeah. The Untouch-A-Balls win again,” Alex cheers.

“This fucking hurts.” I pull up my shirt, checking out the red circle it left behind.

“Sorry, baby.” He tugs his lip between his teeth. “I wasn’t armed.”

“At least I know what it’s like to get hit now.”

“Fuck off with that shit-eating grin,” Ryke calls to Alex.

“Scaredy-kitty,” he taunts. That’s what he gets for hiding behind me, unarmed or not.

“That’s not what happened.”

“Max, you handled that like a boss, man.” Sara walks up, complimenting me. It’s only the second time I’ve seen her since Ryke’s confession. There’s no animosity between us….only awkwardness.

“She did well. Didn’t carry the whole team or anything.” Chris winks at me through his mask. “Okay, virgin is good,” he admits. His blacked-out outfit has a few splatters of bright pink along his right leg.

I cock my head to the side, curling my lip. “That’s the nickname we’re gonna stick with?”

“It’s better than asshole.” Alex shrugs.

“Jake’s taking a fucking nap,” E informs the team as he joins us.

“Where is he? I have a roll of duct tape in my bag.” Alex tightly smiles and his hazel eyes narrow.

“You’re not going to wrap his arms to his body again like with the plastic wrap, are you?” Sara seems unamused. My guess is she had to cut him free before. It had to be a pain to get through all those layers.

“If you want to see some fireworks, decorate his car.” Ryke, you’re Rave is showing. “You ready to go home? I’ll make you those meatballs you liked, again, and we can watch a movie, or would you rather read? I have few things around the house I could do.”

“I have a few things you could do too and it’s a yes for the meatballs.” I hang my mask off my wrist and rest my marker on my shoulder.

“Give me two minutes.” Ryke hangs his head, walking off toward the main building to end our game while the rest of us walk off the field, through the gate, and toward the vehicles in the lot.

Ethan and I hang in the back of the group. “Hey, E.”

“Hey. Sucks taking a rib shot.” He flicks his chin up.

“Yeah. It’s going to bruise.” I lift my shirt, looking at it for the twentieth time. “I think this is the most I’ve heard you talk.”

“I’m not very good with words.”

“You’re doing well. Class scholar.”

“Thanks.” He smirks.

The others unlock their cars and trucks, unloading their gear from their bodies.

“Are you and Sara still a thing?” I fish.

“Yeah,” he perks up. “Been together a few months.”

“How do you deal with the weirdness of knowing Ryke and Sara hooked up,” I ask, deadpan.

“I grew up in a small town where everyone dated the same people, hoping none of them were related. At least she only hooked up with Ryke and not the entire team.”

“I’d have a lot of questions if she hooked up with Alex. A lot.” His laughter meets mine. “I kinda get it. My hometown is one of those small places where everyone knows everyone, too. I miss it.”

“I don’t miss mine. Too many bad memories.”

“When did you move here?” I drag my feet, not ready to end our conversation.

“Five, five and a half years ago. I met these guys here before Sara showed up.”

“Did you know about her and Ryke?” I glance down. “I mean, was it obvious or, I don’t know.”

“Everyone knows what Ryke does. It didn’t surprise me that they were hooking up and I was friend-zoned. I’m not sure what changed her mind.”

We stop, reaching Ryke’s Silverado. “Doesn’t it make you insecure?”

He shakes his head no. “Thick skin and giving good head.”

“Did I hear good head?” Jake’s shoes scuff the pavement, as he stands between us.

“Alex didn’t prank you?” I scratch the corner of my eye, slowly looking back up as he talks.

“I’m a light sleeper.” A curl takes the corner of his mouth. Funny, I’ve heard otherwise.

Alex walks around the bend, his long sleeve is coated in red paint.

“Oh, shit,” Ethan laughs.

His head hangs and he holds his chest dramatically, stumbling toward us, and the laughter grows.

“What are you laughing at?” Ryke sits next to me on his couch, draping his arm along the back behind me.

“This video Cole sent me of Ri.” I curl my legs under my body. My damp hair hangs over my long army green sleep shirt and I cover my bare legs with a fuzzy chocolate-brown blanket. “Today was fun.” I set my phone on the arm of the couch. “Other than the bruise.”

“It’s always worth it.” He sits beside me, holding a bowl of his homemade popcorn. I love that this has become our weekend unwind.

I grab a handful, tossing a few kernels in my mouth. “I guess you’re right.”

“Max, I care about you.”

“Yeah.” I wrinkle my browline but smile. “I care about you too.”

“I’ve thought hard and for a while about this.”

My face falls flat. “About what?”

“We’ve been together for over five months and I need to know if this is a long-term thing or not.”

I swallow. “Where is this coming from?”

“Last week—”

“It’s because I went to see Cole,” I cut him off.

“He’s the father of your daughter. I get it.”

“Okay.” The frustration breaks out in my voice.

“If I asked you to marry me, right here, right now, what would you say?”

“Marry you?” My eyes spring wide. “You’re kidding.”

“If I got down on one knee and told you how amazing you are. If I told you I loved you and wanted to be your husband, what would you say?”

“I’m not ready. That’s what I would say. Tell me you’re not asking.”

“Will you be ready in a year?”

“I can’t answer that.” My eyes fall to the floor.

He pinches my chin between his thumb and pointer, pulling my attention back to his dark eyes. “Are you going to want to keep driving back and forth for Riley or are you going to wake up one day and decide you don’t want the commute anymore, you want to be closer to her?”

Clasping my hand around his wrist, I force his hand away. “We would talk about these things if they happen.”

“For the past week, I knew I was going to have this conversation with you. The one where I tell you I can’t keep you because you’re not mine. You never were.”

“I’m here with you. Doesn’t that mean anything?” I pull my feet tighter underneath my thighs, not wanting to touch him.

“I may have had your attention and your body, but your heart is his.” His eyes are gentle, searching for the right thing to say. “It fucking sucks.”

“This is ridiculous. I’m not supposed to be with Cole.”

“Maybe you’re right, but I have to let you go to find out. You want to fall in love with me…and a part of you keeps fighting it. I see you struggle with it, searching for something. I overheard you with E today.”

“No. I mean, yes, I want you. Five months isn’t enough time.” Why is he doing this?

“I’m investing more than you can and it’s not because you don’t want to. I know you want to.”

I stare at him, not knowing what to feel. “You’re breaking up with me?”

“I’m sorry, peach. I can’t fall if you won’t let me.”

“I love you, Ryke.”

His silence terrifies me. I don’t want this to end. Late Saturdays. Early Sundays. Long talks and late-night texts. My fresh breath of air, always reminding me where my inner child lies.

“I love you.” He plunges forward, kissing me with deep suction and desperation. His thumbs caress my jaw and his fingers firmly hold against my neck. Our foreheads come together, staring into each other’s eyes. “I hate you, too.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“For warning me you would break my heart and I was too foolish to listen.”

“I think that’s on you,” I softly answer.

I could cry and not because he’s ending us. It’s that he wants me so bad. He wants to be my forever and knows I’ll hurt him. I am hurting him. The weight he must have felt the past week trying to find the right time to break his own heart.

“I really do love you.”

“You love him too and you had to let him go. Now it’s my turn.”

“You couldn’t have waited till the movie was over?” I scoff, trying to hide the hurt I feel for him.

“Insensitive.” He chuckles. “But I deserve it.”

“You do deserve it. You fucked me in the shower an hour ago, asshole.”

He didn’t miss out on that at least.

“Would you believe I thought it would soften the blow?” He smiles, adorably.

I pull the blanket over my head, grumbling. “I don’t want to leave.”

“Then don’t.” He tugs the blanket down, leaving my hair a mess. With a soft laugh, he shakes his head. “Cuddle with me and watch the movie. Call me names if it will make you feel better.”

“Okay, but only after I spend approximately forty-five minutes watching you play your gruesome video game.”

The fact that I don’t want to run to the bathroom crying proves I needed him in a way I didn’t foresee. It’s not real yet. When I go to the club next weekend will I feel a pit in my stomach when he doesn’t give me the same attention as usual? How long will it be till he moves on? What happens when his next girlfriend learns of our relationship? Will I lose my job? Will I lose his friendship?

He smooths my disastrous hair to the side. His thick fingers brush my cheek as I stare up at this perfect man. “Did you want to marry me, Ryke?”

“I want that forever kind of love, thanks to you, Max. If I’m not yours, I won’t hold on to you when someone else is waiting for me.”

“I hate that you’re emotionally stable,” I admit.

“It took going to jail for a stupid girl to teach me the shit my mom had been preaching for years, and it was you that made me realize it’s real. That monumental love that you give everything up for exists in this world. And please, don’t stop going to therapy. I don’t want my house burnt down.” He taps my chin with a finger and turns to grab the remote.

Laughs roll out from my belly.

“You’ll find what you’re looking for and I’ll be here when you need me, peach.”

“Ryke…”

“Yeah?” I exhale in a long pause.

“Did I truly break your heart?”

His eyes roll over my face. “You reshaped it.”

“Then, can you promise to make this transition easy on the both of us?” I search his face. “I don’t want to walk in on Rave choking a fan with cock.” His lips slowly curl into a smile.

“I’ll mind my manners at work and I won’t even ask for joint custody of Avery.”

“I’ll surrender the treehouse. Call it even.” I raise my hands. “No custody battles.”

“Cool.” He nods. “Lawyers are costly. You know.”

“I will always love you, Ryke,” I admit.

“Not the way I want you to.” I shield my eyes. This should hurt worse…as bad as it hurt when I left Cole. “It’s okay. I knew what I was getting into, besides everything happens for a reason.” He winks before looking at the TV.

I cuddle against him, wrapping my arms around his bicep and resting my face against his skin. A single tear trails down my cheek. I wipe it away with my fingers, swallowing back the grief of what never was. You can love someone without knowing everything about them, without kissing them for years, and you can fight it, falling without realizing.

I guess it doesn’t always end like the movies and books where the friends with benefits turn into a life-long love. I wasn’t ready for it to end yet. I always knew it was going to.

Ryke would have given me the world. Everything he did for me and Ri was a dream come true and yet, I couldn’t give him my heart because I don’t know where it’s at. I don’t know who I am.

“He broke up with you?” Amber scoffs.

I walk to the coffee maker on my kitchen counter, place a new filter in the cup, and measure out the grounds.

“Yeah, I guess that’s what happened.” I flick the sink on, measuring the water out before pouring it into the top of the machine and hitting brew.

“Men are idiots,” she defends me.

“No, he’s right. Emma—my therapist—told me that I’m not past grieving the life I had. I jumped too soon and we both paid the price.” Him more so than me. “I was clinging onto him and saying I didn’t want to. Like, who the fuck was I kidding. He was my safety net.” It took me two weeks to tell the girls. Two weeks to get past the embarrassment and shame. And what do they do? They stick up for me in true friend fashion, when they could rub it in my face. Especially Amber. She told me to slow the hell down. I always have to learn my lesson the hard way.

“Max, you moved away and created a new life. Don’t act like he did it for you.”

“I wanted his security…I was afraid,” I admit.

“Afraid of what?” The confusion is obvious in her voice. She knew my relationship with Cole was full of toxicity. What she didn’t see was how dependent I was on him.

“Being alone. Losing everyone.”

“You couldn’t lose me if you tried. I’d hunt you down with a pitchfork.”

My short, crisp laugh echoes off the kitchen walls. “What am I? A monster the village people want to keep as a pet?”

“Like Sully; fuzzy and blue.”

I once told Ryke how it’s hard to make friends. While it’s true, I was foolish for not recognizing how amazing the people I have are. “So are you going to lose your job? You can’t think working together is going to pan out well.”

“No. I’m staying.” I lean against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest as I listen to my phone on speaker.

“Yeah, that’s badass. That’s saying fuck all the shit that went wrong, I’m taking control.”

“I need the money, Amber. It’s not that deep.”

“Where’s that attitude of yours?”

“It’s on a timeout.” The same place I want the rest of my body to be. I’d gladly sit in the corner and take a nap. If my coffee wasn’t scolding hot, it would be my wake-up call.

She sighs, silence filling the void. “Are you okay?”

“The worst part is…it doesn’t hurt like it should. It’s hard for your heart to break twice when it never healed the first time.”

“You can come home anytime you want. I always have a spare room,” she attempts to convince me.

“This is home now.”

“Bullshit,” she scoffs.

“Smells like it, every time I make the drive back and forth. The pastures full of cattle are no joke.” I try to earn a laugh, instead only earning more questions.

“Why do you drive it? The gas alone is ridiculous.” She’s not wrong.

“I guess I wanted a new adventure and Ryke offered it to me. I haven’t seen it through a full year. I’m not moving back. Not yet.” I sit my hot cup of coffee on the island and pull up a stool. Turning my phone off speaker, I bring it to my ear.

“You saw him through. It was a hot fling. Now come home.“ She’s not going to let it go.

“You suck, but maybe that’s the truth. I came here for both the job and him.”

“So come back to me!” She groans. “I miss you. I have nobody to hang out with at races.”

“What about Lauren?”

I open my laptop, waiting for the screen to load.

“Her pregnant ass with two kids? Melody can have that. I want my Max.”

“Why didn’t we just get married and forget the men?” Cream. I want cream…for my coffee. I turn back to the fridge, and grab the vanilla almond creamer, leaving the door hanging open. Pouring it till it changes the shade of my coffee, I twist the top back on and tuck it onto a shelf.

I kick the door shut as the words seamlessly slip off her tongue. “Because dick.”

“Because dicks on motorcycles,” I add.

“Is that a book you read recently?”

“Yeah, a poetry collection. It went like…dicks in the dark, dicks in the trees, dicks come out when you’re on your knees. Dicks on rooftops, dicks in showers, dicks are better on motorcycles.”

Her laugh ignites mine. “I can’t breathe,” she gasps.

“It was lower than my average reading level, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.” My chuckles break up my words.

“Please come back to me. I need this energy.”

“I know you do. You’re starting to get all Kareny on me,” I grumble.

“I hate you,” she groans.

“I’m sorry,” I dramatically scream. “I am looking at other job options. It would be nice if I could find one huge client or something in my field that’s flexible. Maybe I’ll branch out too. I have some ideas.”

“Ideas that could bring you back to me?” The pitch in her voice jumps.

“Ugh, you’re so selfish.”

“I never wanted you to move. I graciously offered you a place to stay, but you had a mid-life crisis.” She laughs.

“Or a mid-life realization,” I point out.

“What’s your realization?”

“That I still don’t know what I want and I’m not going to find it in someone else. Hold me to it, I will be single for at least the next six months.”

I open the browser on my computer and click on my email.

“Does that mean you won’t hook up with anyone either?”

“Self-care means self-love,” I reply.

“Ha, okay. How is therapy going?”

“I don’t hate it. Emma has me writing in this journal like they wanted me to do before.” I didn’t.

I scan the screen, trying to scroll with one hand.

“Are you doing it?” Writing in the journal?

“Yes. I want it this time.”

“If Cole…” She clears her throat. “Would you ever get back with him? Not that I’d want you to. He’s still an asshole.”

“I don’t think so.” I shrug.

“Even if he changes?“ Her voice is laced with sarcasm.

“Cole is the last thing I need right now. I’m the last thing he needs. I mean it. We got a divorce, Amber. That’s a permanent separation.“ I sip my coffee, unable to stop my wandering thoughts. There are things more permanent than divorce.