23. Natalie #2
“Your dad was thoughtful and patient,” she says.
“He wasn’t brash or arrogant, and he always put me first. When we met in college, your father didn’t ask me out for months.
He waited until we were friends first.” She shakes her head, smiling as she remembers.
“Lots of boys ask girls out on a whim with no intentions of a real relationship. You know, just for fun, to have someone to hang out with or mess around with.” She makes a face that scrunches her nose.
“But your dad wanted to be sure of us before there even was an us.”
It’s hard to imagine my parents young, and I certainly can’t imagine my dad as a college student asking girls out. Mom and Dad have always been my parents, in love and together. I’ve never even seen them fight. Never. In my reality, they’ve been together forever.
I stare at her. “How could he be sure of your relationship if it hadn’t been tested yet? If it hadn’t even begun?”
“Before he asked me out—when we were just becoming friends—he watched the things I did, listened to how I talked, and he anticipated what I needed. And when he stepped in to help or listen, he’d gauge how I reacted. All this without my even realizing he was doing it.”
“Like, he was testing you?” I frown.
“More like he was testing himself,” she states. My brows loosen.
“Your father wanted to see if we were compatible before entering into a relationship. He didn’t want to find out weeks or months into it that we didn’t work well together.
He said it would have been a waste of time for both us when he knew exactly what he was looking for.
” Mom’s smile is so warm, I can almost see the college girl who met my dad.
“Things seem like they were so different back then,” I say wistfully.
“People got married, the guys didn’t mess around with girls’ feelings, and they started a family.
There was intention. They had kids and settled down.
People knew what they were getting into with a relationship …
I wish things were still straightforward like that.
Now, everything seems so confusing and complicated. ”
“Kids might have been the next step after marriage when I was a newlywed, but it certainly wasn’t all easy, and it wasn’t right away. It took a while for us to have Tyler.”
“It did?” I thought my parents had had Tyler right away, and then Jules and me quickly after that. “Why did you guys wait to have kids?”
Mom takes a sip of water from her glass, watching the ducks on the lake across the yard. I follow her gaze.
When Mom turns back to me, there’s a look on her face that feels a lot like longing.
“Your dad had put himself through a lot of work in college. He got his bachelor’s and then his master’s right after that.
He wanted to settle down and have kids, but I didn’t want him to give up on all the hard work he’d done.
I knew he always wanted to get his doctorate, but having kids wouldn’t have allowed him to do that. ”
She exhales through her nose. “I wanted him to finish what he started. And I didn’t want him to give it all up just so he could be home for family dinners and help me tuck little ones into bed at night.
” She squeezes her hands into fists and closes her eyes.
“He was so smart—still is.” Her eyes soften when she looks at me, a sad smile tugging across her lips.
“But he hated that I wouldn’t have kids with him until he finished his degree.
He wanted to have it all, but I limited him to one commitment at a time.
In my mind, it was either family or school, and there was no way to have both and evenly divide himself. ”
“Did it cause problems for you two—you choosing that for him?” I ask, wondering how they made it through that.
Before now, I didn’t know I related to my dad in this way. Both of us have had this unquenchable craving to become parents, to have children, while our partners have told us no.
Mom nods solemnly. “It did. We fought a lot the year he started his doctoral program. But eventually I think he came to see that it would have been a hundred times harder with a baby. He didn’t like putting our future family aside for a few years, but it was totally worth it.
I’m so proud of him for getting his PhD.
And we still had plenty of years to chase toddlers and clean vomit off the carpet. ” She laughs.
I smile at the comment, feeling like I’ve just met a part of my mom for the first time. Her life wasn’t straightforward or easy, and she made a huge decision when she put being a mom on the back burner.
And poor Dad. I know what he felt, what he had to go through to wait. I’ve always loved my dad, but I have a newfound respect for him after Mom’s story.
“I didn’t know any of that,” I say, resting my elbows on the table and putting my chin in my hands. “Thanks for telling me, Mom.”
Mom studies me, and for a second I fear she’s going to ask me why I’m so interested in what she’s told me.
Does she suspect Luke and I are having problems?
Can she see through my colorful outer shell to the murky struggles beneath the surface?
Does she hear the stress in my voice—the kind she and Dad felt when they chose to not have kids sooner?
But she doesn’t ask me that. Instead, she looks back at Cam and Levi in the backyard.
“Not everyone’s story is the same,” she says.
“Your sister got pregnant right after their wedding, and Tyler isn’t even married yet at all, even though he’s the oldest. He has a long-standing girlfriend, Sandra, but we’re still waiting for him to pop the question.
” She rolls her eyes. “Not sure what the hold up is.”
Mom stands, and at that moment Jules enters from the back door, wearing navy blue scrubs and sneakers.
Jules sees me and gives a weak smile. She beams at Mom. “Hi.”
“Hi, honey.” Mom gives her a hug. “How was work?”
“It was great. Thanks for watching the boys. Are you ready for lunch?”
“I’ll help you get it ready,” Mom says. They walk into the kitchen together.
I close my laptop and step up to the counter. “Can I help with anything?” I look around expectantly, waiting for Jules to give me a job as they prepare lunch.
Over the past few days, I’ve spent a lot of time at Juliet’s house—mostly with Mom and Dad—but Jules hasn’t let me help out with anything.
The other day I offered to sweep up a mess of cracker crumbs that the boys left behind.
She told me not to bother with it and then swept it up herself while simultaneously preparing dinner.
When I suggested that I do the dishes after lunch yesterday, she said she didn’t want me to do any work in her house because it was her job.
I understand a hostess not wanting her guests to clean, but I’m her sister. And doing a few dishes and sweeping some crumbs isn’t a big deal.
She runs water over her hands in the sink. “No, Mom and I’ve got it. Thanks, though.”
I sit back at the table with a huff, doomed to be forever on my sister’s bad side and wondering what I can do to change that.