31. Sawyer
They saythat acceptance is the last and most healing stage of the grieving process. But a life without Lucy was one that I did not want to accept.
I pressed the elevator button to the top floor, the entire time spent wondering what I’d say. I walked down seven doors from the elevator and knocked on the Kingsley Suite room. The door swung open and her arms fell to her side, she stiffened. The shock that hit her body siphoned blood from the face I’d been dying to see.
“What are you doing here?” She crossed her arms over her chest while she assessed me.
And my gaze fell to the mole above her lip, and back up to her eyes. The sparkle that’s been there in the past was duller. Still, they are the greatest form of art. A kind that I could stare at forever.
Here I was, once again, standing frozen in front of Lucy at her door. A shiver shot down my spine at the recollection of history repeating itself.
“You’re not excited to see me?” I croaked out.
“That’s not it. Just not the person I was expecting to see.”
I took a step back. “Oh.” My response was of a pained tolerance. The idea that Lucy already moved on made me ill.
“No, it’s not like that.” She moved off to the side and welcomed me in. “I have frozen yogurt being delivered soon.”
The hotel room smelled like fresh limes and coconut, there was a saltwater breeze. She managed to bring the scents on Rider with her wherever she went.
I picked up my pace and grabbed her from behind like no time had passed at all. I rested my head in the crook of her neck. I could feel the pulsating of her veins against my cheek. I felt the movement of her breathing against me, it turned shallow.
“Sawyer…” her voice was fragile.
“Not right now. Let me hold you first?”
She exhaled softly. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Lucy.” I spun her around. This was real life, her in front of me. I longed to be this close to Lucy after an agonizing month without her. I had a crumb of what it was like to have someone like her in my life, and I didn’t want to re-accustom myself to a world she was not a part of.
She pulled away from me and returned to her reserved posture. “What are you doing here, Sawyer?”
Just like that, a cold breeze filled the space between us again.
“I wanted to see you.”
“How did you even figure out where I was?” She cocked her head.
“Gracie,” I began. Lucy shifted her weight all onto one side. She pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose. I corrected myself, “It was Mel, technically. She got it from Gracie and then she told me. And then?—”
That got a faint laugh out of her. “Mel does it again, providing you with more intel on me.” Her eyes went soft for a split second until she drew her brows together. “But I don’t get it.” She stopped in the center of the living area and turned back around toward me.
“What’s not to get?” I sat on the arm of the couch, pulling her between my legs. “I wanted to see you, so I came to see you,” I said, looking up at her.
She pushed my hair out of my face. “You look exhausted.” She weaved her fingers between mine, moving them in and out of my hold. She jumped at the knock at the door. “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”
She pranced over to the door. “Hi, thanks!” she perked up as she grabbed the bag. She faced me and held it up. Guppy’s Creamery, it’s a New England delicacy. “If I knew you were coming, I would have ordered you some,” she said, snippy.
“Chocolate chip, that’s my favorite. Just in case you need to know for future reference.”
She rolled her eyes, “Black coffee… Chocolate chip ice cream… You’re so basic!”
I hold my hands up, “What can I say?”
Her phone started to ring. “Agh, hold on.” She pulled up the screen and a scrawny frat boy with amber-colored curls stared back. I walked up from behind Lucy, and his eyes widened. “Hey, Griffin. I’m sorry to do this, but I’m gonna have to reschedule.”
“Yeah, she’s a little busy. Sorry, man.” Lucy threw an elbow into my stomach. “She and I have a chemistry assignment we have to get through,” I teased, my mouth twitching with amusement.
“I’ll email you tomorrow morning and cut the session fee in half, I promise.” The kid slowly nodded, then disconnected the call. Lucy turned to me, “You’re terrible, you know that?”
“Ooh, my bad, teacher. I think you’ll have to discipline me.”
“I’ll have to do something to you, you’re right.”
I walked backward towards the main living area until she took the lead down the hallway. “Oh, no, not the principal’s office,” I said sarcastically.
“Oh, shut up!” she squealed.
Lucy shut the door behind us and pushed me back onto the bed. I looked up at her, bare-faced, loungewear, and all. She will always be the most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of laying my eyes on. She looked down grinning like a devil as she straddled me and my heart turned over in response.
“Wow.”
“What?” she covered her face with her hands, hiding in herself.
“You. Just, you. You’re everything.” I ran my hand down the side of her arms. “You’re perfect.”
She leaned down and placed her lips softly onto mine. Kissing her felt right, kissing her felt like I had never gone a day without. Everything about it was slow and tender, meaningful and passionate. Reclaiming her lips, our undeniable attraction was renewed. Her body molded into mine, her nearness made my senses spiral.
“I am really happy that you’re here,” she spoke quietly into my ear.
Hours had passed, but our lips never grew tired. The humming of the AC unit drowned us out, so we didn’t hear it when Gracie had gotten back. The door flung open and she stood in the doorway.
“What. The. Actual..”
Lucy and I sprung up, acting as if we were teenagers who had just been caught by their parents.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” Lucy stammered as she reached for her shirt which somehow came off in the last hour or so.
“I can see that. It’s nice to see you, Sawyer,” she nodded, holding back a smile.
I nodded back, hiding a laugh that tried to break out.
Lucy slipped back into her top and moved herself down to the edge of the bed while smoothing out her hair.
“We are going to have to talk about this, you know.”
“It doesn’t look like you’re that mad,” Gracie shrugged.
“Not the point!” Lucy exclaimed as she threw a decorative pillow towards Gracie.
Gracie gasped and giggled simultaneously, throwing her hands up in surrender. “Okay. Well, look, I’m tired. I’ll be across the hall in my room…remember that.”
Moments later, her door slammed shut and Taylor Swift started playing noticeably loud. Lucy got up from the bed and closed her door with an embarrassed look on her face.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t think she would be back until—Oh, my god,” she threw a hand over her mouth as she looked at the clock beside her vanity. “It’s already nine.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, what about it?” I stood up and met her. I pinned her tight between me and the door.
Awkwardly, she cleared her throat. “We still have a lot to talk about.”
I walked back over to the bed and I sunk into myself. Shame and guilt were the first two emotions that rushed my body. I wish I was here for the sole reason being that I wanted to see her. But parts of me felt like I had to see her to deal with everything that’s been going on.
“Some shit went down with my grandfather and frankly, you were the first person I wanted to talk to about it. I don’t know how much you already know. Honestly, it feels like everyone on this planet knows. There wasn’t one person at the airport who wasn’t giving me some type of look. I lost count of how many people looked between me and the front cover of their magazines. It’s been a hard couple of days.”
Lewis retracted his statement and endorsed Holland earlier this afternoon. Only an hour after I had left his office, he called an emergency press conference. The camera panned over to where Holland was standing, a quick smile filled his face until he noticed he was on display. The expected scowl made an appearance as if he had to hide his joy. It pained me.
The crowd reacted a lot less frantic with the change; they were cheerful. He passed it off like it was a mishap when calling out his name, taking all the blame. Even if it meant it made him look bad.
I looked forward to Holland’s mayoral term, but I hope he learns he doesn’t have to be our grandfather to be successful.
She sat beside me. “I feel like a complete asshole by saying this, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have… made it a point to not give myself much free time, so I haven’t been on my phone all that much.”
I let out a moan of distress as I fell back onto the mattress. I held my hands on the center of my chest while she wrapped her arm over me. We both looked up at the ceiling fan and watched it spin around while silence filled the room. It was nice to have a calm atmosphere—and mind—for the first time in what felt like forever.
I eventually filled her in on everything that has gone down in the last couple of days. Starting from the television appearance, and finishing up the possibility of me making him dinner at the lake house.
“Are you happy that you walked away from everything? From your family, from the possibilities and all of what could have been?”
I propped myself on my elbow and faced her. I waited a beat before answering, then I fell back down beside her. “I think you’re the first person to ask me.” She wrapped her leg back over me while I yammered on. “I think initially, I was in the whole ‘I’ll show them’ stage of life. I wanted to do everything on my own. But then, I fell into regret. I was terrified and thought I completely screwed up. It wasn’t until The Hideout and everything Gus and Leanne had done for me that I truly felt secure in my decision. It was hard. There was only one life that I had ever envisioned for the longest time. Until I created a new one. This is the kind of life that I have always wanted, so yeah, I am happy. More than.”
She shut her eyes and nuzzled herself into me.
“That makes me happy,” she said into my chest.