32. Lucy
We spenthours that felt like mere minutes talking about all of the little happenings of Rider since I’d been gone. However, it also felt like we were both beating around the bush of what we genuinely wanted to say, to ask. All of it.
Sawyer was that old friend you could fall back into place with as if no time had passed. I was comfortable with him the moment he stepped through the threshold. But there was still that ghost of awkwardness that crept around the corner, fighting its way in, making itself known.
I snuck out to grab some water, but a moment later, I heard scuffs of slippers along the floor enticing me to peek my head around the hall. Gracie shuffled down the hall with a blanket wrapped around her. “Is he asleep?” she asked in a whisper. She grabbed my glass from the counter and took a sip.
I shook my head.
“Sooooo,”
“Sooooo, nothing.”
“You’re telling me that this man flies to another state for you and you don’t rip his clothes off and bang one out?”
“You’re making me sound like I just give it up.”
“And that’s okay if you do.” Gracie raised her brows and shrugged.
I started to chew on the inside of my bottom lip.
She moved my glass off to the side and lifted herself on the counter. “Oh my god. It’s more than that, isn’t it?!”
“Will you keep it down?! He is still awake… only fifteen feet down the hall.”
“This reminds me of last fall. We went out for my birthday and you were making eyes with the waitress all night. It was nauseating, really, with how fast you two started hanging out. You were linked at the hip, and—okay this isn’t the time to repeat just how annoying it was that you spent more time with her than me… But the second she voiced she wanted something more serious, you friend zoned her so hard. You better not friend zone Sawyer,” she scolded me.
How could I when no one has even been able to light a wildfire inside my heart the way that he has, but still, I said nothing. Samantha was nothing more than a fling. I made that clear from the start, the same way I had with Sawyer. The difference is I rode that wave with her. And the moment I started to get swallowed by the current, I fought my way back to shore. Feelings were never supposed to be involved.
But Sawyer… Even when I tried to keep my walls up, he came crashing in like a five-ton wrecking ball.
“You got it bad, don’t you? What am I saying, of course you do. I’ve never seen you like this.”
I lifted my glass to my mouth to buy myself some time from answering—either way, I knew that I was going to counter argue her claim. Because she had no idea what she was saying. At least that’s what I told myself. But my silence spoke volumes, and at this moment, I knew there was no convincing her—or myself—otherwise.
She jumped off the counter and the blanket fell to our feet. Gracie had a knack for reading me like the back of her hand, so when her eyes widened, and they were almost misty with pride, we both knew that she didn’t have to say anything else. I already knew what she was about to ask. And she already knew my answer.
“Shut up.”
“Lucy!”
“Gracie!”
She started to whisper, “Do you love him?”
“I have to get back in there.”
I walked past her and back into the room, my face warm to the touch.
“I thought you were getting water?” Sawyer asked.
“Right…” I brought my hand to my cheek. “Gracie came out there and totally snatched it from me.”
He sat up straight. “What’s wrong?”
I shook off my conversation with Gracie and painted a smile across my face. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin this night. I had Sawyer with me tonight, and if tonight was all I had left, I was going to make the most of it.
“Nothing! I’m going to get ready for bed. You should, too.” I walked into the bathroom and started my night routine.
He stared back at me, his mouth agape. “Y-you want me to stay the night?”
“Well, yeah.”
A smile crept across his face. “I’ll cancel my hotel reservation right away.”
There was a sense of comfort that came with knowing he didn’t assume he’d stay the night. In the reflection of the mirror, I saw Sawyer climb up out of bed. He lifted his shirt over his head, then slipped out of his jeans. This isn’t my first time seeing Sawyer near to naked, yet I’m drawn to memorize every inch of his body. My gaze dropped from his toned shoulders to his chest to his briefs.
They hugged him in all the right places.
A stream of toothpaste-filled drool dripped into the sink as I watched him undress. I coughed out the excess that gathered during the trance that I had been in for far too long.
Sawyer rushed into the bathroom and shut off the water that was still running. “Are you okay?” he asked, holding back a laugh.
He stood behind me in just his underwear, they hung low on his hips. I spit out the toothpaste into the sink and held out a thumbs-up. I stood up and observed us in the mirror. Something so mundane felt oh, so normal. Getting ready for bed with him felt right.
“I’m so sorry you had to witness that,” I said wiping away at my mouth.
The corner of his mouth lifted as he spun me around. I missed his smile. I missed being the person that made him smile. There was so much I wanted to say, but none that I could even form into sentences. I felt our breathing become one and I am reminded of how easy that happens when we are together. Everything else that occupies my brain disappears when I am around Sawyer.
He twisted the loose hairs at the nape of my neck, the ones that can never quite reach my hair tie, around his index finger. The slight graze of his touch on my skin sent shivers all down my back. My whole body shuddered, so I wiggled the feeling away. He smiled, proudly, as if he achieved some sort of goal.
“Fuck it,” I muttered under my breath. I pressed my mouth into his, showering his lips with kisses and along his cheek and jaw. I nibbled my way up to his earlobe and I let out a weak moan. Our kisses were that of urgency like we had been waiting forever to kiss each other again. That”s exactly what it felt like.
“God, you have no idea how much I hated being away from you,” he cried out a shaky breath.
Sawyer pressed himself into me and I could feel everything. His briefs got tighter if that was even possible. His thighs already filled them out. I let my hand drift down in between us, stopping at his very present erection. From my slightest touch, he let out a quiet moan into my neck.
I pulled at his underwear. Quickly, they pooled at his feet and he kicked them off to the side. He lifted my bralette off, my breasts bounced as the fabric moved over them. He cupped them in both of his hands and gave them a little squeeze.
“Fuck, you’re perfect,” he said as he trailed his hands down my bare torso. He pushed my shorts off next, leaving us both standing here naked on the cold tiled floors. “Your ass looks amazing in the mirror, too.” He gave one cheek a nice, hard slap before hoisting me up on the counter. I yelped at the coolness beneath me, and he gave me a devilish grin.
I wrapped my legs around his waist before reaching down again. Only a few strokes in, and I could feel him pulsating. I rested my forehead in the center of his chest and looked down between us. I watched as my hand went up and down, letting my grip tighten with each squirm that he made. Witnessing him edge himself already was satisfaction in itself.
I hopped down off the counter and led him to the shower. I leaned in to turn the water on. A mischievous grin formed on my face, saying all that I needed to say without once opening my mouth.
“Only if you join me,” he nibbled at my shoulder.
I pulled at my hair tie, letting my hair fall over my shoulders. “Let’s go.” I let my hand lead the way, testing the water temperature before getting in.
Being near him was overwhelming in all of the best ways. He brushed a kiss across the top of my head. My pulse leaped with anticipation.
I swallowed tightly as I looked up at him through my lashes as I started to crouch down. Kissing along his torso, down to the peaks of his hip bones, I reached his crotch.
With a few soft kisses on the tip, I covered my whole mouth over his dick, letting it hit the back of my throat while I cupped his balls. I glanced up at him right as his eyes rolled back and his head dropped. He tightened the grip on my hair.
With each thrust, he only grew bigger, harder, and my mouth widened to accommodate. The tingling in my stomach grew with every heavy breath of his that traveled down to me. I reached down between my legs, I’d grown too impatient. Moving my fingers in circles, my skin prickled with heat from my own touch. A moan of ecstasy escaped my mouth only to make his whole body tremble.
I slipped my mouth off of his dick, still stroking him. “God, look at you,” I said looking up at him. His jaw tense and the veins of his neck popping out. “You’re such a good boy, so close to coming for me, aren’t you?”
He bent over, picking me up by my arms. “That’s enough,” he growled into my ear as he spun me on my toes. He faced me against the shower wall and bent me at my hips. He leaned forward, making his chest press against my back, and whispered, “You better be real quiet. There’s no need to disrupt your friend in the other room.”
He cupped his hand over my mouth and thrust into me. I bit at the top of his hand, holding back my desperate need to scream out with every slam into my body. I gasped in sweet agony. This was much, much more than a sexual desire. This was a type of hunger, and I was starved.
The sound of the splashing water between us suffocated my inability to keep quiet, though I tried. I cried out into the palm of his hand as he pressed it tighter against my mouth.
“Now do me a favor. I want you to come for me like you did the night before you left. Do you think you can do that for me, my pretty girl?” And just like that, I was done for. I surrendered myself to Sawyer Banks completely.
We were naked under the sheets, we grew comfortable with our faces pressed against dampened pillowcases. We had gone a couple more rounds once we made it back to the bed, each one better than the last. Sawyer pulled me near him, his hair in a shaggy disarray and his eyes tired. My weak limbs clung to him, I’ll never grow tired of his touch.
“Lucy, you right now, laying beside me with messy hair and soft eyes, is the absolute best.” He started to trace various lines down the side of my arm.
“Now you’re the one putting hexes on me.”
“Tell me something,” he shifted onto his side to face me, completely changing the subject. When I tried to make the moment light, I had a feeling he was taking it down the more serious path. “Why did you leave Rider? Why not –”
A familiar knot formed in my chest. The real world is still out there.
“You knew I’d have to leave.”
“I thought we had more time. I thought you needed space. But not physical space.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
“I didn’t mean to leave, at least not like that. It’s just…” My voice was shakier than I would have liked. All of the air had left my body, I didn’t know what to say.
I was afraid I’d run into him at Jitters, and I knew I’d see him at the lake—I was certain he would look at me with those eyes of his or kiss me the way only he knows how to and I’d fold. I needed this time away.
It wasn’t fair to leave the way that I did, but I still believed that it wouldn’t have been fair to make him deal with someone who was emotionally closed off. Sawyer has so much love to give, that is something that I have learned this summer. And I was ready to match him with that energy. But I couldn’t give him what he deserved and I tried to preserve his heartbreak by apparently creating a whole different kind.
“You know, I never traveled much. And what’s ‘much’ when I’m talking to someone who has probably seen the whole world? But this last month, I drove up and down the coast of New England with my best friend and I felt free. I wasn’t tied down to anything, I didn’t take care of anything I didn’t want to. I knew I wasn’t going to be reminded of the secrets kept from me for my entire life everywhere I looked. ”
He kissed the side of my head. “How do you feel now?”
“When it comes to all of that? No clue. When it comes to you? Better.”
He sucked in a breath. “And what’s your plan when it comes to Rider? Are you going to finish out the sale?”
“I mean, yeah. I have to. I have to see it through and go from there.”
“So you are coming back to Rider?”
“I feel like I have done so much work virtually with Kai thus far, I don’t need to go back,” I said, facing away from him.
And that was that. I heard him exhale, then turn over to face the other side. But I couldn’t fall asleep if I tried.
The beacon light always guided me back toward Rider. Now, I felt like a sinking ship lost at sea. I racked my brain trying to conjure up the pros of returning. I’d want to visit Gus and Leanne, but that could be figured out down the line. Nothing else came to mind at the moment. Nothing except for one thing, one person: Sawyer.
I’m aware that I made thought-out decisions. So when I considered jumping all in with Sawyer, that scared me. It was so out of character. But because I am the type to make such thought-out decisions, I knew I wasn’t getting in over my head. Being with Sawyer would never be the wrong decision.
All of the world”s tornadoes and hurricanes filled my stomach when I figured out that I was ready to tell him I’d go back with him. And I was able to find peace with my next move.
When I flipped over to nuzzle into his side, ready to start the day with the news, his side of the bed felt empty and cold. The room felt empty and cold. I frantically rushed out into the living room.
“G, where’s Sawyer? I mean, he’s gone. I know that much.” I clutched my chest. “I told him why I left Connecticut, he asked me to come back, I said there was no point, but?—”
“Sit down.” She motioned to the couch, but I slid down the hallway wall instead as a hot tear rolled down my cheek.
“I am so fucking dumb. I do this every time.”
She sat down next to me and I moved my head into her lap. She started to rub my hair as my breathing returned to normal. Gracie placed a small piece of paper in front of my face and shot up straight.
“W-what is this?”
“I ran into him about thirty minutes ago, I told him you’d be up soon, but he said he had a plane to catch. He left that with me—and this.” The next thing she handed to me was a plane ticket. With my name on it.
“Nothing says you can’t go back to Rider.”
“What, now? And leave you here? No way. Besides, I don’t know if I’m ready to go back. And we have to get back to Arizona soon.”
I wanted to reassure him, let him know that I would work on it with him. Regardless of what would happen with us, going back to Rider was a whole other story in itself.
“Lucille Collins, you are not going to let your profession keep you from love. And anyway, I gotta get back like now. He had a ticket for me, too, but I told him that I spoke to my dad this morning. I think I will start interning a few weeks early if they’ll let me. You, though, have a hot ass man waiting for you at the airport.”
All I had ever known was to focus on school and work and my success. Family and love and life outside of that didn’t matter. Heck, I didn’t matter. She chose her career over me, a family.
It was easy to hide behind the studies and the schedules. I never had to feel anything deeper than academic stress. Sure, I was taking time off from schooling at this very moment, but I was still working towards what I wanted, what I always dreamed of.
Every experience, job, internship—it all enhanced my resumé.
“But, work comes first, love comes after,” I said, wiping away a tear as I sat up against the wall.
“Fuck that. Being happy comes first, and worrying comes later. Focus on what you want right now. What do you want right now?”
I reached for the note from Sawyer and opened it up.
I’ll be ready when you are. x.o., Banks.
I shrieked, I groaned, but then I smiled. I now had my answer for Gracie.
I wanted Sawyer.