Chapter 16 Audrey
Sixteen: Audrey
Helium - Sia
Islept like a rock after talking to Noah. Not that I slept much before that moment either, but spilling parts of my heart was terrifying and therapeutic at the same time. I feel lighter today in some way.
I know high school Audrey wouldn’t have been brave enough to share all her feelings like that, but I know Noah would've been just as calm back then. His fake snores made me want to curl up into him and kiss him until I saw stars.
But I also don’t know where to go from here, how to close the gap on all the things I don’t know about him anymore. How to ensure I’m the best version of myself and figure out who I am on my own before I run to him. Because there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to run to him.
A knock sounds on my door, followed by Connor’s voice, “You up yet?”
“Yeah. Come in.”
Connor slips through the door. “Can we talk before you go out there?”
I sit up in the bed, pulling the covers around me. “I’m sorry about how I acted last night.”
Connor chuckles, leaning against the doorway. “Love is a slippery slope, isn’t it?”
“How would you know, you’re chronically single!” I tease him.
His brow furrows. “Be nice. You don't know everything that goes on around here, you'd been dodging my calls for quite a while there, remember?”
“I’m sorry. I’m projecting … deflecting. Whichever.”
“I’m sure all of this is a lot to wrap your head around. I’m having a hard time too,” Connor says honestly. “Are you thinking about running?”
“I don’t know … part of me is, because I feel like I need to get back before I decide to stay.” I don’t meet his eyes, I can’t let him read my thoughts right now.
“You know you can stay, right? My place is big enough.” He gives me his trademark pretty-please-with-a-cherry-on-top brother voice.
I look down at the blanket. “I know, I just …”
“Talk to me Auds.” He sighs. “Let me in your head, please.”
“I still need time to figure out who I am. What fills my cup. And I worry if I’m around I’ll …” I trail off, feeling my shoulders slump.
Connor wraps me into a quick hug before completing my thought, “Want to be something to Noah and that concept scares you?”
I mean … that’s one way to put it.
“Look, I stayed out of your stuff in high school and I sat back quietly when you started dating Paul, but I’ve watched the light go out in your eyes over the years.
I don’t know if it was because you missed the family, or what.
I know you loved Paul in your own way. But you never once looked at him the way you’ve always looked at Noah.
And you’ve been giving each other that look since you got here.
Do you realize the both of you barely looked at anyone else during dinner last night?
We could have all left the table and you wouldn’t have noticed. ”
I let out a laugh in agreement.
He’s probably right.
“I’m not going to force you to stay or to tell me what your plans are—I’m not going to get in the middle of your shit—but I kind of want to hang out with you both today.
I want us to be the three amigos again, just like old times,” Connor says quietly.
“If leaving is what you want, that’s fine.
But if you’re leaving here tomorrow with the fear of the unknown trying to paralyze you, you’ve gotta share those feelings.
Don’t hide them away and miss out on what could be.
Auds, you’re not fifteen anymore. If you want him, go for it.
I just don’t want either of you to get hurt. ”
Movement shuffles down the hallway, the sound of whistling lets me know Noah is nearby, and my whole body goes on high alert.
Connor gives me a pointed look. “It’s your call, sis.”
“Fuck you, Noah!” Connor groans, throwing his controller onto the couch in annoyance. “That’s not fair.”
“Good to see you’re still a sore loser.” I chuckle, placing my controller onto the coffee table in front of me.
“I’m still a sore loser because you two still help each other win. You’re a bunch of cheaters.”
“And you’re an apple eater,” Noah and I call out in unison, making us all laugh.
One time as a kid, Connor said “cheater, cheater apple eater” instead of “cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.” After that, if Connor ever complained about things not being fair, we’d call him an apple eater as a joke.
Noah would get Connor apples as a gag gift sometimes, but my brother loves apples so instead of being annoyed, he thought it was great.
Connor and Noah bicker like an old married couple, and their laughter has me leaning back on the couch, watching the two of them with a smile.
I’m glad I decided to push fear and worry out of my head today.
It feels just like old times. I didn’t realize how much I missed the three of us hanging out.
We went out for breakfast this morning and then cruised around town in Connor’s truck.
When we got home we played Monopoly, made pizzas, and ended the afternoon with way too many rounds of Mario Kart, while eating copious amounts of candy.
Connor suddenly looks at the clock with a weird expression on his face. “Oh, no.”
“What?” I ask.
“I’ve gotta go.”
Noah looks just as confused as I am. “Go where?”
Connor stands up and starts moving towards the bedrooms. “I’ve got a date. I promised I’d get her around six.”
Seriously?
“With who?” A nervous laugh escapes me. I would assume he could have given us more notice.
Or not plan dates while I’m in town for a short visit?
“Nobody you know!” he shouts from his bedroom. “You’ll have to figure out dinner on your own, but I shouldn’t be out past eleven.”
Internal panic starts to take over.
Noah and I will be alone for the first time in years.
Just the two of us.
Both single.
Both wanting.
Shit.
I move down the hallway, standing outside his door. “What’s your angle?” I whisper, hoping Noah can’t hear me.
Connor snickers, peeking his head out the door … the smell of cologne fills my nose. “Aw c’mon Auds, we both know the two of you have been dying for some alone time. So enjoy it. Live a little.”
I purse my lips as he passes me in the hall.
I can hear him say goodbye to Noah, followed by the front door closing. I roll my shoulders back and walk into the kitchen, hoping my false confidence doesn’t falter.
Maybe making dinner will be a good distraction.
Opening the fridge, I scan the food options, trying to ignore that Noah is only a few feet away.
“Whatcha lookin’ for?”
I jump when his voice startles me, my back landing against him. His hand steadies my hip, and I bite my lip to stifle a giggle.
“Uh, food,” I mumble, eyes fixated on his strong hand.
His chuckle radiates through his body, straight to my heart, as he lowers his hand from my hip. “Gee, I would’ve never guessed.”
Grabbing a handful of vegetables and a jar of sauce, I try to pretend my hip isn’t warm where his hand just was.
I busy myself with prepping the counter space, acting like he’s not there, so I can fight the urge to kiss him. After adding butter to a pan, I start to cut the vegetables and grab rice from the cupboard.
Music suddenly fills the kitchen, and I let out a long breath. Being in this space together feels more intimate than any other moment before now.
Questions rush to my head—How many girls has he been with? What does he like to do on weekends? What’s his ringtone? Does he snore? What are his hobbies?
I shake my head.
Such silly questions …
“Auddie?” His voice wavers the smallest amount.
“Mhm?”
“What have I missed … in your life?”
Okay, so clearly I’m not the only one with questions.
“I mean, besides me being with a man who cheated on me and put me last? Not a heck of a lot …” Laughing awkwardly, I look over my shoulder at him.
“I binge way too many cheesy movies, hate my job, and being around yo–uh, Connor, makes me homesick … I guess I need to figure out where my life is headed. I’m a bit of a disaster! ”
“Don’t do that. You’re not a disaster.” He reaches his hand out towards me but ends up putting it in his pocket instead.
“I don’t exactly have my life figured out.”
Noah leans back against the counter with a reassuring smile. “You don’t need to have everything figured out, Auddie.”
“You do though,” I retort matter-of-factly.
He lets out a hearty laugh. “No, I don’t.”
That’s not true. He’s got a great family, he's living out his dreams and he’s back on the same team as his best friend. What else would he need?
“What don’t you have figured out?” I ask, confused.
“My love life.” He raises an eyebrow at me, as if to say ‘'duh.”
I purse my lips and put the knife down, closing my eyes. “Oh…” After two beats of silence I ask, “Do you think I'm narcissistic?”
Noah lets out a long, sharp breath, like I’ve just suggested the craziest thing he’s ever heard. “Not at all. What the fuck Auddie? Who gave you that idea? Did he tell you that you were?”
I nod slowly.
“Jesus. You’re like the least self-centered person I’ve ever met …
you couldn’t be further from a narcissist. That’s the biggest load of Bowser shit I’ve ever heard.
” His anger radiates around him before he softens.
“Sorry, I just … knowing what he did to you, how he treated you … I don’t get it, Auddie.
I mean, I do. My dad was no better than Paul with the gaslighting and the abuse.
But I wish I’d known. I wish I could’ve protected you. ”
My heart hurts. Seeing Noah beating himself up for something that was out of his control makes me sad. I know Connor and my parents carry a similar sadness. I’ve always been surrounded by protectors, but I should’ve known he was a bad seed. I shouldn’t have let myself stay with him so long.
“Can you … can you tell me about your relationship?” Noah’s voice sounds small.