Chapter 16 Audrey #2
I press a finger against my temple. “I feel like I spent years compartmentalizing everything he did or didn’t do.
I hadn’t realized how much I let slide or put up with just because I didn’t know what to expect from a relationship.
He made me feel special, built me up and then it’s like he always tried to pull the rug out from under my feet.
Sometimes subtly and other times with full-blown tantrums.”
Noah frowns.
“What?”
“I should’ve told you how I felt, should’ve told you I’d considered you my girlfriend from like age five and up. I should’ve given you the world. I should’ve made you feel special.”
Letting out a long breath, I replay all the times Noah made me feel special—the memories flowing through my head like a movie.
“Crap!” I groan, trying to make sense of my tangled yarn. I was so excited to make my mom a hat, but it’s gone all wrong …
I chew my lip trying to decide if I should rip it all out and start over.
Noah steps into the room, taking in the tornado of tangles.
“What did you do?” He laughs.
“I’m trying to learn how to crochet … and I got too ambitious and now it looks like … this.” I hold up my failed work.
Noah shrugs, moving towards me. “Ah, that’s easy to fix. Here, let me help you.”
I try not to smile too big. “I thought you and Connor were going to play video games.”
“Psh, he can wait. You’ll always come first!” Noah replies, nudging my shoulder with a smirk on his face. “Just don’t tell him I said that.”
“Hey, what's wrong?” He drops his backpack on the ground, striding towards me as I cover my eyes, frowning.
“Jessica called me a ‘brown-nosing goody two-shoes’ in front of the class,” I whisper, half-debating hiding my head in my locker.
Noah leans against the locker beside mine.
“Fuck Jessica!” he says it so enthusiastically that I can’t help but laugh. He squeezes my shoulder before adding, “But for the record, that’s code for you being a smart ass … and that’s accurate.”
I shake my head, shoving his arm as a smile fills my face. “Shut up.”
His finger taps my nose. “Nah. If it makes you smile, it’s worth saying.”
Noah’s sitting in the stands alone with a faraway expression on his face, so I move towards him.
“Hey, No. You okay?” The team lost pretty badly today, but he’s beating himself up more than usual and I don’t get why.
He blinks a few times before turning to face me, opening his right fist. “My clover ripped.”
I look down to see it in his hand.
“I can fix that, easy-peasy,” I promise him.
“Really?” His blue eyes fill with appreciation.
“Of course.”
He’s quick to pull me into a tight hug. “Thank you! I’d hate to lose my good luck charm. Especially when one of my favorite people in the world made it for me.”
“Auddie, you look absolutely beautiful,” he whispers as I reach him. I stare down at my Junior Prom dress, blushing. The gym is decorated with pink hearts and streamers, but all I can focus on is him.
I take in his navy blue suit. “Thank you. You look dapper tonight.”
“Thanks.” He looks down at his watch before smirking at me. “You’re just in time.”
“For what?”
“To dance with me, silly.”
“Going in?” Noah asks, coming to stand at the water’s edge with me.
“No, it’s still too cold today,” I reply, afraid to look over at him and see his perfect abs again.
He sticks his foot in the water. “It’s not thaaaat bad.”
I sneak a peek at him right as a mischievous smile fills his face.
“Don’t you dare,” I warn, stepping back from him.
He steps towards me, feigning innocence “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
My feet start moving as the sound of his laughter follows me.
He’s faster than me so it doesn’t take long for him to scoop me up into his arms.
“Noaaahhhh,” I squeal as he moves us deeper into the water.
I try to squirm out of his grasp, but my giggles give me away.
He shouts, “Hold your breath!”
Then he sends us both falling into the freezing cold water.
As the memories fade away I focus my attention on the stove, and share about Paul.
“Sorry, I was lost in memories there for a second … He was my first real relationship. It wasn’t a good one, but it taught me things about myself.
Maybe I needed that,” I try to convince myself as I stir veggies in the pan.
“You’ve always felt like home to me, like you’re part of me.
I don’t know if I would’ve pushed myself to be the best version of myself if we’d …
” I shake my head, letting out a sharp laugh.
“Who am I kidding? I’m not even close to the best version of myself, but what else do I have going for me? ”
“Audrey,” Noah sighs softly.
It feels weird hearing him use my full name, and it makes me nervous to look at him.
Instead, I fixate on the pan in front of me, no longer feeling hungry.
“I just mean, I didn’t do what I wanted seven years ago and then it’s like I stopped caring about my dreams altogether.
I didn’t go to the school I wanted to, didn’t lose my virginity to the guy I wanted to, and I didn’t take the job I wanted.
And now I've spent so much time dancing around what other people want that I don't know who I am, or what I want.
I don't even know if I like math or living in Chicago anymore.”
A silence lulls between us while I serve up the food.
He gives me a sad smile, taking a plate from my hand. “Would you ever consider moving home to be closer to your parents? Or here, to be closer to Connor?”
And closer to you?
“Ye-yeah, they’re both options. I just need to find something that makes me happy, I guess.
I’ve spent a long time being unhappy. I didn’t fully realize it until I moved into the apartment.
I expected it to feel empty and lonely, or that I’d miss sleeping beside someone …
but it was like nothing changed, nothing felt different.
If anything, I’ve felt more whole than I have since I was seventeen.
” I reach into the fridge, grabbing a beer for each of us, feeling like some liquid confidence would benefit me.
“It felt like I was with a ghost all this time … my heart didn’t shatter, not like it did when yo–”
“When what?” Noah’s voice lowers, and goosebumps rise on my arms.
I close my eyes, whispering, “When you left.”
Noah lets out a low sigh, placing his plate back on the counter. “Sixteen hours and twenty four minutes from my dorm to your parents’ house. It was one thousand, one hundred and twenty three miles.”
My eyes snap open, shock written across my face.
“I missed you more than anything, Auddie. It was my biggest regret … and if I could go back and choose you over Texas—over baseball—I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
I grab his arm. “Don’t say that. I never would’ve let you give up on baseball, No. It’s your passion.”
“Maybe, but so are you.”
“Don’t flatter me.”
“I’m not trying to … I’m telling the truth.
I spent way too many years not being honest with you or with myself, so I owe it to both of us to be honest. You were my entire life, Auddie.
Even after I left.” Noah passes me his phone and I stare down at the screen.
A playlist named Auddie stares back at me.
I scroll through, and it’s like every stage of our life plays out in my mind.
As I scroll further down the list a shift happens, songs change from upbeat pop to sad and heartbroken country.
I look up at him and he shoves his hands into his pockets.
“My first week in Texas, I almost called you a million times. By Friday I was lying in bed watching every movie I could find that reminded me of you, to feel close to you. My roommate Walker thought I was insane when he walked in on me watching The Parent Trap and eating Oreos dipped in peanut butter.”
I let out a loud laugh. “Frig, I forgot about that combination.”
“I even broke down and ate jelly beans, and you know I hate jelly beans.”
Tears start to brim my eyes. “You set the bar really high, Noah. You know that, right?”
Noah’s eyes widen and it looks like he might cry too. “You made it easy, Auddie.” We share a sad smile before he adds, “I lost my best friend seven years ago, and I want her back.”
Tears fall from my eyes and he hugs me against him.
“I’m right here, Noah.”