20. Chapter 20
twenty
T he best thing to do was give Annie space.
Or at least that’s what Julian told himself while he rested at his cabin, watching a movie, missing her company.
He couldn’t distract himself like usual with woodworking, and he quickly realized how little else his days consisted of besides eating and sleeping.
I really do need to broaden my interests…
He wanted to touch her again. She was so soft in his arms, and he enjoyed the sweet scent of her hair as he tasted her mouth.
He admired the little expressions she made when she was solving a problem — or thinkin’ about kissing him.
When he’d been on top of her the other night, breathless, he’d wanted to wolfishly tear off her shirt and unhook her bra.
Just to start.
Despite knowing that she’d eventually leave, he’d fallen for her.
Hard.
Damn…
From the very first moment they’d met, he’d found her attractive. Sweet. Funny. As they’d spent more time together, he could see how caring she was. And of course she was a terrific cook. His thoughts were full of her.
Annie was right — things were complicated. He hated how right she was. But what he hated most was how he’d let himself pretend that once she went back home, he wouldn’t be forced to go back to his life all alone, too.
He’d texted Annie goodnight and good morning, but her responses were sparse.
Today she’d had another long day of work.
It saddened him when he realized just how much he’d worn open the crack in her facade, and how she must have realized it, too, and closed it back up.
He was surprised when she texted to ask if he was busy.
He stared into space for a moment. If she simply wanted to spend time with him, she would’ve either struck up a text conversation or would have just asked to visit.
She didn’t specify what she wanted to talk about, but if it wasn’t bad…
he would bet money she wanted to discuss their relationship. Or so he reasoned.
He was game to try long distance if she was, though he was equally prepared for a ‘let’s just be friends,’ talk again.
But, unfortunately there was another matter that he needed to discuss, now that it was clear she was falling for him, too. One he was one-hundred percent sure she wouldn’t like.
I have to tell her... she’d want to know.
She was fresh out of an unpleasant relationship broken by substance abuse.
He’d convinced himself that she didn’t need to know all of his past, before he’d caught proper feelings, but now it was probably an eventuality.
.. It would be impossible to keep his secret from her.
Despite how much shame it brought him, he knew she’d never forgive him if he said nothing.
The town gossips would eventually bring his past to light.
So, as to not completely blindside her, he said he had something to tell her, too. He also wanted to add, “It’s nothing bad,” but he didn’t want to start off by telling a white lie before revealing a lie by omission .
He remembered he still had the leaky sink parts for her cabin, having brought them in with his groceries the day they’d gone coat shopping. Before heading over, he grabbed them.
She answered the door on the second knock. “Hey, Julian!” She grinned.
He smiled back and held out the bag of sink parts. “Forgot to give these to you.”
“Thank you.” She smiled warmly. “I’ll let Molly and Peter know about ‘em.”
“Great,” he said. He followed Annie into the cabin.
“Thanks for coming over on short notice.”
“Sure.” It smelled like she’d been cooking something with an herby red sauce, though he only saw her laptop, which was surrounded by notebooks and scraps of paper scribblings. She stacked them neatly and laid them over top of her closed computer.
“Sorry it’s a mess. Sit.”
He sat down, following her lead when she took a seat at the head of the table. “What’s up?”
“Well…” She worried her hands in her lap. Her chest rose in a long breath. “I… umm… was thinkin’… about us…”
“Good things I hope?” he teased lightly.
Slowly she nodded. “Yeah. We need to talk… about that.” She then glanced over at the kitchen. “Do you want anything to drink?”
He smiled. “No, I’m fine.” He reached forward and clasped her hands between hers. It’s okay. Say what you need to say.
She stared down at his hands, a small smile on her lips. Her eyes closed and she made a little noise. “Oooohh… maybe you should go first. I can’t spit the words out. What did you want to tell me?”
Shit .
His nerves shocked him, and his stomach did a flip-flop.
Then they sat, staring at each other.
“Julian, what?” Her voice was kind and patient, but her smile faltered.
“Well...” He supposed he better get on with it. “Er, I’ve really enjoyed your company. I know you have, too.”
She gave him a wide smile again and even squeezed his hands encouragingly. “Yes.” Relief coated her words.
Which made his confession that much harder.
“I’ll just cut to the chase.” His voice cracked around the lump growing in his throat. “There’s... Remember when I told you about my parents?”
A nod. She raised her eyebrow.
“There’s a bit more to that story.”
“Oh?”
“The truth is... I was too ashamed to tell you I...”
Dammit. He was choking. It had been ages since he’d confessed this to anyone — perhaps only to his peers at Al-Anon.
He cleared his throat. “Annie. I was an alcoholic, before my dad killed my mom. But it put the fear of God into me so bad that I cleaned up. Immediately. I’ve been sober for three years.”
Annie’s smile dropped from her eyes. Color drained from her cheeks and her eyes went cloudy. “...Oh.” She pulled a hand free and tucked her hair behind her ear.
He winced. His blood pressure spiked. “I-I wanted you to know because of what you’ve been going through with your boyfr-”
“Ex.”
“Sorry, yes, ‘ex.’ I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.
” He couldn’t stand her disappointment. “But I... er... I knew you were leaving. I don’t normally tell these things to acquaintances I know I’ll never see again.
But you deserve to know. Now. I also want you to know that I have no intention of being around that sort of thing ever again, and I do my best to take care of myself.
” Forcing himself to look up, he took in her bemused, cold expression.
“Let me know if you have any questions.” He let go of her limp fingers and held up his hands. “I’m an open book.”
“No, it’s okay.” She was quiet and only looked at him out of the corner of her eye. She nodded along with her words. “Thank you for telling me.”
She confirmed his fears as he watched her fold in on herself and withdraw from him without moving a finger. The lump in his throat throbbed.
“Was... Was that hard for you to tell me?” Annie finally said, her expression growing reticent, as closed as a safe hidden behind an antique oil portrait– it was horrible that he couldn’t plainly see the bitterness and resentment on her face now.
He sighed. “Yeah. I’m sorry that this was a surprise. I needed to tell you so you knew for the future. Now... and not later.”
She tilted her head to the side. “Future?”
This tore the wind out of his sails. She had told him she liked him.
There was a but, though... No, she said that because she doesn’t live here.
.. But was that just an excuse? To spare my feelings?
No… it’s not that, either. Her weird imaginary friend wanted me to kiss her, and we’ve kissed twice.
She’s spent time with me. It had seemed like the only obstacle was finding a new place to live…
Had he read her wrong? Was he just a vacation fling?
A friend with benefits? Was that what she’d wanted to tell him?
“I’m...” He wanted to confess the depths of his feelings, for which he cared for her, but he couldn’t do it. I’m so embarrassed...
“Thank you for telling me, Julian.” She paused, as if lost for words, too. “I... umm... I was in the middle of writing an email... Thanks again for the sink parts. I should get back to work. We can talk later?”
Julian shifted in his seat. She was kicking him out? “But weren’t you going to tell me something, too?”
“It was nothing,” she replied, her jaw set firmly. She flashed him a sad smile for a second before turning her head away again.
“Was it?” he challenged.
It almost looked like she was holding back tears. “Yeah…”
Concealing the hurt and shame that lay under his own impassive exterior, Julian nodded and stood.
“Okay.”
When he’d taken that very first drink at twelve, he never would’ve imagined it would lead him to this moment. He never should’ve wished for her to be his. A woman disgusted by a man could never give of herself to him.
“Thank you,” Annie said. Her soft, innocent words were like a nail in a coffin. She stayed sitting as he walked out the door.
He knew when she eventually left, he would miss her laughter the most, and now all he had to hope for was a glimpse of her on vacation with her friends.
I never should have seen her as anything but a ship passing in the night, he told himself, striding home with his stinging eyes cast down at his boots.
The hum of his fridge and the crackle of fire from his stove were loud in the silence waiting for him.