21. Chapter 21
twenty-one
A nnie tossed fitfully in her bed, burrowing deeper into her blankets as she fought to disentangle herself from the nightmare filling her psyche.
“No…” she mewed into the dark. She pulled her pillow into her arms, choking it. Her eyes shifted rapidly beneath her eyelids. “Stop…”
Annie pleaded as a line of waiters stretched across the restaurant and bellied up the bar; they passed forward tumbler after neat tumbler of Jack.
Bar patrons turned to gawk. The older man sharing her table drank like he was a camel at an oasis.
Slithers of liquor ran down his fleshy chin from the corners of his mouth.
He licked it up with his thick tongue, eyes rolling in his head, before he grabbed the light beer she’d ordered for herself and threw it back in one gulp.
“Daddy! Stop, please!” The older man didn’t specifically look like her father, but it was him.
“You tellin’ Daddy he can’t have just one more?” belched the man. His body began to quiver and grow as if his flesh was that of a water balloon. Liquid sloshed beneath his skin.
“You’re killing yourself!”
“Beer chasers! Keep it comin’!”
Bar patrons shrieked and tripped over each other.
Annie tumbled off her chair. She cowered.
With each round, her father’s body and hands widened and fattened.
Soon, the foaming mugs were proportioned like shot glasses.
His girth swelled in the chair beneath him. With a loud crunch, its legs snapped.
Annie blinked. Now the roof itself could no longer contain her father.
His legs stretched out, rushing across the floor.
Fear filled her veins – hot and stinging.
She crawled backwards, arm up to shield her face.
“Stop!” Her muscles were sluggish. His foot slammed into her body, pinning her to the bar wall–
“Fuck!”
Cursing, Annie woke up. A groan escaped her. She heaved a breath, rolled onto her back, and rested the crook of her elbow over her forehead. Her pillow and face were damp with tears. She swallowed thickly. The sour taste in her cotton-filled mouth made her sick to her stomach.
She hadn’t dreamed of her father in over a year. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she let out a sob.
She’d wanted Julian. Talked herself into giving them a chance.
Despite the odds that faced them.
It was as if they had been strolling along in a park, arm in arm, only to have a fanged snake launch itself at her ankle. She thought she’d put the pain of her childhood behind her, but her wounds were still too tender.
That damn confession…
She'd felt sick asking him to leave, but was she going to break down and rage at him? Hell no. It angered her that he’d held his past back from her.
Part of her understood why he’d neglected to tell her such a thing; however, the other half, the half that yearned for him, had slipped into a deep channel, churning with hatred, disappointment, and sadness.
With Chris, she was overwhelmingly stupid for ignoring the warning signs for so long– the binge drinking, him missing work, letting his health go down the shitter, ignoring her pleas to cut back– but she was glad she’d finally seen ‘em and left. Was she a straight-up magnet for alcoholics? I hope not. I’ll move to a cave in the mountains if I attract another one.
Albeit... Julian had conquered his biggest demon.
But she could never trust that he’d beaten it for good.
Early dawn light came in through the window of the bedroom. Too distraught to go back to sleep, Annie washed her face and grabbed a bowl of leftover pasta for breakfast. She nibbled on a few penne before setting the bowl aside.
And what little of an appetite did she have vanished when an email popped up on her work computer. It was from Christopher. She growled and opened it. Luckily, it was short.
To: Annie Turner
From: [email protected]
Subject: Come get your stuff
When are u coming to get your stuff?? I can’t look at it anymore.
Her heart ached, and a bit of uneasiness threatened to trigger another panic attack.
She couldn’t run from reality forever. She had nothing to fear from Chris, but she knew a better person would’ve broken up with him in person, instead of from two hours away after sneaking out in the middle of the night.
It had been over a week. He had a right to be angry with her.
From: Annie Turner
Subject: I’ll come get my stuff
Chris,
I’ll get my things this weekend. I’ll text you when. I’d appreciate it if you weren’t home when I’m there, so please make a plan to be out for a few hours.
Annie
After a few minutes, he responded.
To: Annie Turner
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’ll come get my stuff
Was hoping to help u pack and talk, but I guess I miss you because i have a thing this weekend starting Friday night. I’m back Sunday night Lock up the best u can and leave keys on the counter.
Annie sighed. It was Thursday morning. For several minutes, she debated whether she should pack up now or on Friday. Then, her phone rang from the bedroom. She hesitated, but went to pick it up.
Oh God, is it Chris? Wasn’t an email enough? She read Molly’s name on the caller I.D. Relief filled her before dread set in again. It’s so early. She never calls this early. Annie froze, her heart pounding, anticipating the worst.
“Sorry for waking you, hun,” Molly said. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“No, I’m awake. And me neither.” Annie was relieved that nothing bad had happened, but she knew something was the matter before Molly breathed a word about it.
“I don’t think I’m handling the miscarriage well.” Molly’s voice rarely sounded so fragile.
“Oh, Molly... ”
“Everything is okay. I’m just… I think I’m… the last couple days haven’t been so good. I thought for sure this would be the month…”
Annie’s throat tightened. Yes, it was time to go home. “I’ll be there around noon, okay?”
“You don’t haveta do that... aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
Annie’s mouth went into a thin line. “Christopher wants me to come get my stuff. I already told him I would this weekend. I won’t be able to concentrate on work anyways while I know I need to come home. You’ll have my undivided attention today. Anything you need, I will get you.”
Molly sniffled. “You’re sure?”
“Yes. Yes, of course.”
“Thank you.”
“Think about what show you want to marathon when I get there, okay?”
“Okay, I’ll try. See you soon. I’ll tell Peter you’re coming home.”
Annie hung up and walked out of the bedroom. Just then, she looked out the front window and across the way to Julian’s cabin. Smoke wisped up from the chimney against the orange and pastel pink glow of the dawn sky.
Within two hours, she had showered and packed her bags into her car. She grabbed what she had left in the fridge. After a quick inspection to make sure she’d left nothing behind, she turned off the lights and water and locked up.
Annie’s jaw tightened. The responsible thing to do was to tell Julian that she was leaving. Not to mention that she had been so distressed the night before that she’d forgotten to tell him about Peter’s wood payment.
If she hadn’t learned Julian’s truth, the conversation ahead of her would've been entirely different.
And that truth hurt. I owe him closure. He was honest with me, she thought, steeling herself against the instant gut punch of loss.
I owe myself that much, too. She had little control over anything in that moment, but she had that.
I think I can be neighborly for five minutes. It’s just five minutes.
She drove to Julian’s cabin. Part of her wished he wouldn’t come to the door, but before she even got out, he was already standing outside, waiting.
“Didn’t expect to see you so soon,” he said. He was smiling, but there was a guardedness in his eyes as he eyed her car. He crossed his arms over his chest. He had only a thin layer of bandages on his palm now. “Going into Nothgold?”
“No... I came to say goodbye,” she said, standing next to her car. “I’m going home.”
He maintained his smile for a good ten seconds before it twisted into a grimace. “Right now?”
“Yeah.”
The skin between his brows puckered. “Is that why you asked me to come over to talk yesterday?” He walked down onto the gravel in front of his cabin.
She met him halfway. “No... But I need to go home. All my things are with Christopher, and this morning he asked me to come get ‘em. I’m picking everything up this weekend.”
He looked away and scratched the back of his head. “That’s rough. But you gotta do what you gotta do.”
“And Peter’s going to send the money for the firewood. I’ll give him your number.”
“All right.”
“And Molly called me, too. I’m honestly really worried about her…
She had a pretty bad miscarriage not that long ago.
She really needs me. And I need to find a place to rent so I can get settled into my new life.
” Annie wanted to hold her face in he r hands and groan.
She hadn’t meant to unload so much on Julian after the way she’d treated him the night before, but the words had flowed out.
Her throat tightened and choked her. A wave of sorrow hit her.
“I’m sorry. You didn’t need any of that. ”
Julian closed the gap between them and pulled her into his arms. His hand went to the back of her head and he laced his fingers through her short hair. She buried her face in his neck and felt the beat of his heart on her cheek and in her ear. The scent of his skin was earthy in her nostrils.
“After this weekend, you’ll be done with Chris. One thing off your checklist,” he said into her hair. “Then you can spend time with your friend. She’s lucky to have such a lovely person in her life.”
Annie teared up. He was right. It didn’t feel okay right now, but it would get easier.
“And... if... you need a place to stay... or want to come visit… you’re always welcome here.”
She looked up. He still wanted to help her? Even after she’d pushed him away? She didn’t deserve his kindness, and she knew she could never be with him. “That’s very sweet of you to offer...” She bit her lip. She saw he was tearing up, too. “Julian?”
“Yes?”
“I wanted to say... t-to say I’m sorry I kicked you out last night.
” She wiped her eyes, sniffed, and cleared her throat.
“I was honestly pretty upset.” Okay, time to cut the cord.
“And I-I don’t mean anything by what you’ve accomplished.
.. but datin’ someone with a past like that is a deal breaker for me.
” The disappointment in his eyes broke her heart, but he put his hands in his pockets and nodded in agreement.
“Right.” He smiled, but it was a tight smile. “I’m not for everyone. ”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Tears rolled down her cheeks. The words to ask him to still be her friend tipped her tongue, but that would be a slap in the face.
“Well, take care of yourself, Annie. Keep truckin’ along.”
“You, too.” It worried her that his hand was still healing, but he’d clearly made some strides. I hope he’ll be safe without me…
“I’ll miss you.”
She swallowed thickly. “You-”
Before the words left her mouth, Julian stepped forward and pecked her on the cheek.
And as if he couldn’t resist, he pressed his mouth to her forehead.
She closed her eyes. As angry and frustrated at him as she was, her body would never stop craving his touch.
He gave her a quick, firm hug, rubbing his good palm over her back, before letting her go, avoiding her eyes.
“Safe travels.”
“Thank you. Take care...”
Annie drove away from the cabin. As soon as she was out of his sight, she burst into ugly tears and sobbed. The warmth and love that lingered on her face from his lips made her shake.
“You’re just going to leave that poor man behind? Without even telling him you love him?” Serene Hallowbrew cried. Her crow squawked in response. “Yes, that’s right. I guess we’re just going to let that one get away.”
It’s too late now. It’s done, Annie thought back. A sane person would think I was demented if I turned back now after a goodbye like that.
"You made a bed, and I guess you’ll lie in it alone,” Serene sneered.
The taunt was much darker than usual, but Annie ignored it.
I will get myself out of this mess.
But I can only do that if I focus on myself .
And by trusting myself alone.
As much as I want to trust him, too... I can’t. I just can’t.
A man like that is too much of a risk to my future.
I can’t.