26. Chapter 26
twenty-six
P eter took Molly and Annie out to dinner. Back at the house, Annie helped them with a few chores. When they came back together, they picked a show to watch together on the bed. Annie’s laptop was open in front of her as she answered late afternoon emails.
The show cut to commercials. Annie paid little attention until she heard the name of the restaurant being promoted. She glanced up at the TV. Ellie stood in front of the camera in a white t-shirt, black apron, and jeans. She was indoors in front of the lunch counter.
“It’s our birthday, and you’re all invited to the party Saturday night! Whether you’re new or old, we welcome you to our eightieth year celebration!”
A date flashed along the bottom of the screen. Annie wasn’t sure when the commercial had first aired, but the special night was tomorrow.
The commercial cut to the front of the restaurant. A crowd of people stood behind Ellie.
“I’m ready to cook for a full house!”
Annie’s eyes surveyed the faces in the crowd.
One waiter stood grinning just behind Ellie, his long hair electric green. The old man from the convenience store stood off to the side in a very grandpa-like pose. Annie guessed he was there against his will. There were a dozen other faces she didn’t recognize until—
Her breath caught in her throat.
Julian.
A flush bolted up her neck.
He disappeared two seconds later when the scene changed to a still photo of No Wait.
“Saturday night. Party starts five p.m.,” Ellie crowed again. “See you there!”
Bedtime came shortly after, but Annie tossed and turned, tangling her blankets around her legs. The air of loneliness in her room was suffocating. In keeping to her word that she wouldn’t lead him on, she now found herself stuck in honey.
She peeked at the clock. Nearly three in the morning. Sleep had evaded her for five damn—
"Fifteen more hours until that shindig at the diner,” Serene Hallowbrew whispered. Her reemergence after nearly two weeks of silence jarred Annie even more awake. “There’s no way he won’t be there....”
Then another thought came to her, almost as a feeling, or rather an epiphany that came from the ether. Again, it wasn’t the imaginary voice she’d been chained to for years, but something that felt like her own soul.
When expecting only and nothing but perfection, we get nothing. He could be worth it.
Maybe some bridges weren’t meant to burn. Maybe some bridges weren’t meant to be crossed alone…
She combed through her memories of the things her therapist had said to her.
Maybe a tidbit of wisdom from her sessions had marinated in her head and returned to the surface.
One thing she knew her therapist had for sure brought up was that sometimes distrust was inevitable when parents walk out on their children.
Leaving them behind with an abuser like a casualty on the battlefield.
At a yucky, itchy memory, Annie’s muscles tensed.
Shortly after Annie had started college, she’d finally asked Mom why she’d run away. She’d been thinking about it more and more, venting about it to Molly, especially now that they’d made the escape to college.
“You deserve to know, Annie. I don’t think she’s going to tell you unless you ask,” Molly had said.
“I do deserve to know,” Annie had said, perhaps a little high on bitter courage. “It’s the least she can do.”
Annie had invited Mom out to lunch, though after a few cancellations, they’d finally settled on supper at Olive Garden instead. By that point, what courage Annie had gathered up barely delivered her to the moment she’d been anticipating, fantasizing about, for years.
Mom hadn’t seemed thrilled to have the topic sprung on her, but she’d spared no details.
"I got pregnant with you at seventeen, almost eighteen, y’know, and your dad was barely seventeen, so he did the right thing by me, but I shoulda said no when he proposed.
We were too young. I certainly didn’t know myself, though I didn’t know that I didn’t.
And I guess I’ve always felt lost. People definitely called me lost when I ran– sorry, abandoned– my family.
” She shook her head. “You know what’s worse than a deadbeat dad?
A deadbeat mom. You know how many times I’ve been called that?
That friend of yours… Molly? And her mom?
Vanessa was it? Now she was a good mom. I couldn’t take you away from her.
” Mom paused. “She was a very good mom. ”
“I do love Vanessa,” Annie had murmured over her plate of fettuccine. But she’s not my mom , she thought, the words tipping her tongue. Instead, she stuck a bite of the creamy pasta into her mouth before twirling her chest-length brown hair between her fingers.
“And I just wouldn’t have had time or the money for you,” her mom shrugged, not meeting Annie’s eye, “and you had such a good school.”
“Yeah.”
“You woulda been miserable while I was traveling for work.” Mom sighed, a small smile turning up the corners of her lips.
Her eyes lit up and went a little watery.
“Becoming a flight attendant was the best decision I ever made. Great benefits. And oh, Lord, the places I’ve been able to see!
The men, too. Real men. Maybe I’ll show you the photos I’ve taken some time. ”
“Mmm-hmmm…” Annie tried to smile around her fork, but she wasn’t so sure she was convincing anybody.
Mom really did make her life sound amazing.
“I still have some of your post cards.” Sent a few times a month, with a line or two explaining where the mail had been sent from.
Where Mom had visited that week, while Annie could’ve counted on both hands how many times she’d seen Mom in person since she’d run off.
A couple minutes had passed, and Annie wondered if that was it. That was all she’d ever get out of Mom. Now that Annie had her answer, she was glad Mom was able to make up for lost time, to be free, but… it felt… just… Annie couldn’t put her finger on it exactly.
Mom suddenly grew tense, her irritation reaching across the table and filling Annie with unease.
“If I didn’t leave,” Mom finally said, all the brightness gone from her voice, “I was either going to kill your father or kill myself.” Mom sliced through the chicken on her plate, her knuckles white as she gripped her fork and knife. They clattered against the ceramic.
Annie blinked, her bite of food halfway to her mouth.
She’d never imagined that her mom’s decision to leave had really been a matter of life or death.
To be driven to the brink of homocide… suicide even?
“That sounds awful,” Annie replied, brow furrowed.
Could she really fault her mom for living her life after such a draining marriage?
Relief softened some of the anger on her mom’s face.
“It was awful! I waited as long as I could,” Mom said, shrugging again.
“I knew you’d graduate soon enough and find your own way to get away, too.
You’re smart, Ninnie. There was no way I could afford to take care of us both.
And I didn’t have it in me to fight for you in court.
And even if I’d won? I didn’t know where I’d end up.
I was scared for your stability. At a time when a girl needs the most routine in her life.
You had to give that to yourself because I couldn’t, and I knew you could. ”
Annie’s eyes flashed open as she broke from the memory.
Her breath caught in her chest as remembered staring back at the woman across the table, her young self hearing what Mom had said, only grasping the surface, but sensing that there was something unspoken underneath her confession that had really bothered her.
The restaurant had grown too loud. The light over the table had shone down too brightly.
It had cast harsh shadows over their supper plates. Her mom’s facial features.
Now Annie knew why it had hurt.
Mom had expected Annie to fight. Alone.
Every girl for herself.
She didn’t remember all of what she’d said to Mom after that, what they’d talked about. Annie vaguely remembered more talk about self-preservation, and it felt like they’d really bonded over that .
“I’m so proud of you,” Mom had said before they’d parted, setting a hand on Annie’s shoulder. “You’ve got such a bright future now that you’re away from that bastard…”
Annie cringed at how that alone had soothed her ego, made her feel seen somehow. Like they were both survivors from the same abuser. Equal.
How the fuck had she managed to sit for an entire two hours listening to her mother’s bullshit? Not asked Mom why she hadn’t picked a different job? Pulled Annie out, too?
She’d known plenty of kids with parents who were either in the military or who worked jobs with long hours. Granted, the parent at home wasn’t just as absent as the one working the difficult job.
Was her mother’s betrayal holding her back, just as much as she was holding Julian’s past against him? Was she still that little girl abandoned by her mother? Would that just be her forever?
Julian had given her zero reasons to distrust him, and his white lies could be forgiven, given the truth they really hadn’t known their relationship would deepen like it had at the time he’d said them.
The people in Northgold loved him, despite his reclusion.
He was an upstanding woodsman. Disregarding his affection because of his past was likely a harsher end to the what-could-have-been than she’d intended.
Am I just reducing him to his past? To the drinking? Like he’s not worthy?
Did seeing him on T.V. for three seconds really send her back into something, that in passing, she’d dismissed as something that would fade from memory — when it was really an epic war between her heart and mind?
I wish I’d stop asking myself questions... she lamented. And who am I kidding? I’ve thought about him nearly every day since I left.
“Sounds like the only one holding yourself back… is you...”
Serene Hallowbrew’s words echoed in her mind for several more sleepless hours.
When Annie smelled coffee and heard Peter in the kitchen, she pulled herself from the bed. A sickening haze clouded her mind.
The coffee pot carafe clinked. Peter turned and flinched when he saw Annie behind him. Black coffee sputtered over the rim of his mug.
“Sorry.” Annie held up her hands. “Couldn’t sleep at all.”
“Hmmm,” Peter replied, wrinkling his nose and wiping up his spilled coffee. “Molly was tossing and turning, too. Couldn’t get comfortable. I woke up too warm.”
“Yuck.” Annie got a glass of milk and some crackers. Maybe a little food would help her fall asleep.
“Is it too hot or too cold?”
Annie raised a brow.
“Should I change the night program?” Peter asked. "I need to update it for the season change."
Annie smiled. He really was practical. “No, the temperature was good. My mind won’t shut off.” She bit her lip. “I can’t stop thinking about that commercial…. The one with Julian.”
“Julian was in a commercial?”
“Yeah. On T.V. The one with the diner.”
Peter smirked. “Ah.” He scooped a powdered donut out of its carton. He chewed while Annie munched on her crackers. “Were you really thinking about just the diner…” he said before swallowing, “or really was it the guy?”
“The diner has good food.”
Peter chuckled. “Liar.”
“Excuse me? ”
“C’mon, Annie… you decided that you didn’t want to date Julian. Right?”
“Yeah...”
“But you thought about him all night.”
“I guess,” she admitted finally. “We did spend time together.”
“I’ve spent time with lots of people who I won’t see again. Seeing their picture wouldn’t make me think about them all night.”
“It wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“You have FOMO.”
“I do not!”
Peter chuckled.
Annie threw her head back and looked at the ceiling. He was probably right. “But how do I stop?”
“Thinking about him? I don’t know. But you’re still going to get into that car and drive to Northgold.”
She stared at him and raised an eyebrow.
Peter laughed again over the rim of his coffee cup. “Want to ask me for the cabin keys now?”
“N-no!” Her face flushed. “I’m not driving–”
“Well, maybe I’ll call into work sick today and take Molly up to this grand reopening tonight. Getting away would probably cheer her up. You’re welcome to come, too, of course.”
“You never call in.”
He fake coughed and beat a fist on his chest. “Ugh...” He rubbed his nose and sniffled.
She tried not to snicker. “I don’t need a taxi.” A second later, her mind betrayed her: might help my nerves to have them close by.
Peter searched the counter and then picked up an object that made a metal sound. He held a nickel in his fingers. “Want to flip for it? ”
Annie laughed. “No.”
“Tails you forget about him. Heads, I see you in a few days.”
“I have to go apartment shopping today. I already made the appointment. And we’re still planning your party.”
Peter took a bite of donut before tossing the nickel. He laid it across the top of his hand, keeping it hidden under his palm.
Grief welled up in Annie. Her heartbeat quickened.
What if it’s heads?
But what if it wasn’t…
She swallowed the raw lump in her throat. What am I doing? I’m acting like I’ve been starving in the woods, and am about to have my first meal taken away from me…
Peter smiled gently. “If he breaks his sobriety, I promise to drive Molly as far as I have to so she can tear him a new asshole.”
Annie closed her eyes and sighed. It was important to ignore Peter’s temptations, and she was getting sleepy. She grabbed the packet of crackers and spun on her heel. “See ya after work.”
“I bet a year’s magazine subscription I won’t,” he called after her. “Cabin keys’ll be by the door.”