Chapter 37 Austin
austin
I was a coward. The biggest fucking coward, because I couldn’t bring myself to look Charlie in the eye and lie to her.
How could I tell her the truth—that I have a child with my ex—when I didn’t even know the full story myself?
Eventually, I’d have to face it, but not without answers. I needed to know everything first.
Luckily, my mom and Ledger didn’t press me. They just opened the door and let me crash on their couch without asking questions. I was worried that if I stayed by myself, I’d slip again into bad habits when I was stressed.
I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t. How the hell could I close my eyes knowing that Nova had kept something this massive from me? The thought was a constant loop in my head, keeping me wide awake, staring at the ceiling, and wondering how everything had gotten this fucked up.
The soft clinking of a spoon against a mug drew me to the kitchen. Ledger was casually leaning against the counter, sipping his coffee. A second mug sat beside him, steam curling from the surface—he’d poured me one without asking.
As I stood at the counter, staring into the dark swirl of coffee in my mug, he stepped past me, giving my shoulder a firm squeeze.
I nodded once, a silent acknowledgment, and we stood there in comfortable silence. The minutes ticked by.
Ledger broke the silence with a soft hum as he rinsed his mug. “Whatever it is, you’ll figure it out. And you’ll do right by her. By Charlie.”
I leaned against the counter. “Did you know? When I told you to send her the money . . . did she call you? Did she say anything?”
“No. I even asked your mom if she’d heard from her. We both got nothing. Radio silence.”
I stared into my mug, tightening my grip around it. “I’m married. How the fuck are we supposed to do this?”
Ledger let out a sigh, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed.
“Look, man, you and Nova aren’t together, but you can still figure this out.
Plenty of people make it work for their kid without it being a total shitshow.
It’s all about setting the rules, figuring out what’s best for her, and sticking to it. ”
“I love Charlie,” I said finally, my voice low. “More than anything. I can’t be with Nova—I was never good for her. But I can’t just ignore this. I can’t walk around knowing I’ve got a kid out there and not have anything to do with her. I can’t.”
“Alright, then,” he said. “First step, sit down with Nova. Hear her out. Don’t go in guns blazing, just listen to what she has to say. Then tell her what you want—make it clear you’re gonna be in your kid’s life. Ask questions, get answers. Stay calm.”
I nodded, gripping the counter to steady myself. “Yeah, you’re right. I need to do that.”
“Good,” Ledger said, giving me a pointed look. “And after that, go home and tell Charlie. She needs to hear it from you—everything. No bullshit, no holding back. She deserves that.”
I puffed my cheeks out with a noisy exhale. “Yeah,” I said, nodding more firmly this time. “I’ll tell her. I have to.”
Ledger clapped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Just one thing at a time, okay?”
“Okay,” I muttered.
I just had to look at the leaf and not the whole tree. The first step was to talk to Nova.
I arrived at the café first, and I clutched the mug of coffee I’d ordered as I tried to decide where to sit.
I picked a seat near the window, tucked in the corner where it was quieter, away from the noise and bustle.
I should’ve called Charlie. I should’ve told her I wasn’t okay, that I was hurting, but I didn’t.
I couldn’t. And that made me a fucking ass.
The bell above the door chimed, and I saw her walk in.
Her curly brown hair was piled on top of her head, and she was wearing black leather pants with a black sweater.
She looked put together, confident. I dropped my gaze to my hands, willing my meds to kick in, to keep my thoughts in check.
Every part of me was at war with the urge to get fucked up, to run from the weight of it all.
Nova spotted me and gave a small wave before heading to the counter to order. She looked the same, but there was something about her now—a kind of glow, a healthiness I’d never seen in her back then. Did she see me the same way? Different but familiar?
When the barista handed over her drink, she turned and walked over to me in the corner. My grip on the mug tightened, bracing for what was about to come.
She smiled softly as she approached.
“Hi,” she said, sliding into the chair across from me.
I didn’t know what to say. It was like seeing a ghost.
“You look sober,” she said after a moment.
I blinked, shaking out of my stupor and nodding. “Oh, yeah. I’ve been sober for almost five years now.”
Her smile widened. “That’s amazing,” she said warmly. “I bet you’re proud of yourself.”
I huffed out a breath. “I am,” I admitted.
For all the messes I’d made, sobriety was the one thing I’d gotten right, and it felt good to acknowledge it out loud.
I looked down at the giant diamond on her finger. “You’re engaged.”
She looked away, out the window, letting out a small sigh before turning back to me. “I am,” she said simply.
I nodded, looking down at my coffee. “I saw you. On social media. In the news.”
She smirked faintly, taking a sip of her drink. “Keeping tabs?”
I shook my head. “When I got out of rehab, I wanted to make sure you were okay. Then I saw you were dating . . . and had a kid. You do a good job of keeping her out of the spotlight, so I never saw a picture. I assumed she was his.”
Her smile faltered, fading into something more serious, her fingers tightening slightly around her cup.
“W-Why didn’t you tell me, Nova?” I asked, my voice breaking on the last word. My throat felt tight, my chest aching as I fought to keep myself together.
“I tried, Austin. I did. I called after three months—when I got that payment in my account. The rehab center said you were still in there, that you’d extended your stay. I thought that meant things were bad. I didn’t want Scar—her—to be around you while you were still an addict.”
She paused for a second and gripped her coffee cup. “I couldn’t have her around someone who was throwing bottles when he was drunk. I couldn’t let her see that. I couldn’t let her grow up with half a father—someone who might be there one day and gone the next.”
My jaw tightened, and I dropped my gaze to the table, shame creeping up my spine. “I wasn’t . . . I didn’t know,” I muttered. “I didn’t know she existed. I could’ve been better if I’d known.”
Nova shook her head, her eyes glistening as she leaned back in her chair. “Maybe. Maybe not. I had to make the call, Austin. You have no idea how much it killed me to keep that from you, but I couldn’t risk it. Not with her. I had to protect her.”
She furrowed her brow. “When I saw the press conference, it felt like it was the first time you were trying to get help for yourself. I loved you still, and I couldn’t let you mess it up or get better because of her. I still wanted you to get better for yourself.”
I swallowed hard, her words cutting deeper than I wanted to admit. She wasn’t wrong—I had been a mess back then. Still, it didn’t erase the ache in my chest or the anger bubbling under the surface.
“You should’ve told me,” I said quietly, my voice rough. “I deserved the chance to try.”
Nova sighed, looking out the window as if searching for an answer she didn’t have. “Maybe I should have,” she admitted. “But I wasn’t willing to gamble with her safety. Not back then.”
Her honesty was like a double-edged sword. I hated it, but I couldn’t deny it. She’d done what she thought was right, even if it meant cutting me out.
“I tried to find you on social media after the first year, but I couldn’t find anything. It’s like you left everything.”
“And my mom? You didn’t think of calling her?”
I looked down at my coffee, shame flickering through me. “At that point, I had started to date Ollie. He was a friend of mine and helped me with her. And finally . . . I agreed to date him.” Her voice faltered. “Luna thought about it, but . . .”
“And now?” My voice seemed to break through her thoughts, forcing her to meet my gaze. “What about now? What do you want me to do?”
As Nova looked back at me, her expression was unreadable. “I want you to figure out what kind of father you’re going to be,” she said simply. “Because if you’re going to be in her life, it has to be all or nothing. No halfway, no excuses.”
I looked down at my hands, half expecting them to be shaking, but they were steady.
I had a daughter. I was a father. My entire world was changing, and I didn’t know how to move forward from here.
“I want to be there for her, Nova. Are you planning on staying here, or are you going back?”
She looked down, then furrowed her brows. “We’re here for a while. Luna has some things she needs to figure out.”
“And your fiancé?”
“He—he’s coming here too,” Nova said, her voice tight.
There was something unspoken behind her words, something more she wasn’t saying, but I didn’t press. It wasn’t my place to pry—not when my first priority was her.
My daughter.
Holy shit.
“I want to be there,” I said, my voice firm. “I want to sit down with her and tell her I’m her dad. I want to—”
“I know you do,” Nova interrupted gently, her tone softening. “I need to do this in a way that’s healthy for her. I need to make sure it’s not confusing or overwhelming. And I need to know you’re sober.”
“I’m married,” I blurted out, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.
Nova’s eyebrows lifted. “You’re married?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “To a teacher at the school. That’s why I was there too.
We, uh, recently got married.” I hesitated, fumbling for the right words.
“I know that doesn’t exactly prove I’m sober, but I’ve been happy.
I don’t drink. I—” My voice faltered, and I looked down at the table, unsure how to explain everything that had changed.
Nova relaxed her grip on her cup.
I swallowed hard, leaning forward. “I’ll follow your lead,” I said quietly. “However we approach this, I promise, I’ll do it your way. But I want to be there. I need to be there. I have money, a house—I can show you, we can make one of the rooms into—”
Nova let out a soft laugh. “Let’s start with the basics.”
I nodded eagerly, my heart pounding. “Okay,” I said, barely able to keep the desperation out of my voice. “Tell me about her. Tell me about my daughter.”
Her face lit up, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
“Her name is Scarlette,” she said gently, her tone laced with emotion.
“She’s four. She loves books, animals, and drawing .
. . She’s got the biggest imagination. And her laugh?
It’s the kind of laugh that makes you want to laugh with her, no matter what’s going on. ”
I hung on every word, trying to picture her, to piece together a life I hadn’t been there to see. Each detail Nova gave felt like a gift—a glimpse into the world I desperately wanted to be a part of.
“She’s got your eyes.”
I smiled softly, thinking of all the ways that my life was going to change. “Please, can I meet her?”
Nova looked outside the window momentarily before she looked back at me. “I think that would be okay.”
I closed my eyes, knowing damn well I was crying and not caring.
“But Austin, if we do this, then we have to do it together. I don’t want her . . . taken away . . . from me.”
She was crying, tears falling quickly down her face.
“I raised her. I’ve been there every single day. I can’t—I won’t let her be taken away from me.”
My chest tightened. “Nova,” I said firmly, meeting her eyes. “I don’t want to take her away. I promise you, we can do this together. As a team. I don’t want you to be anything but happy.”
I would take anything she would give me at this point.
I owed it to her. I was the alcoholic. I was the reason I had no relationship with my daughter.
It was me. There was no one else to blame but myself, and if I got angry at Nova for doing what she thought was best for her child, I’d be a hypocrite.
Was I sad that I had let myself be put in this position? Absolutely.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I whispered. “I remember how hard postpartum was with my mom and . . . you were all alone.”
I thought of her mom who had passed.
She smiled. “I had Luna,” she said softly. “Ollie was there too. He’s . . . a really good guy, Austin.”
While a pang of jealousy briefly crossed my heart, I was glad she had someone who was there for her.
She pressed her lips into a thin line as she nodded, her eyes glistening. “I’m glad you’re happy.”
I squeezed her hand gently, my voice soft. “I’m glad you’re happy, Nova. Truly.”
She studied me for a moment, her lips twitching into a faint smile. “I was worried there might still be . . . lingering feelings between us,” she admitted hesitantly.
“If this were a few years ago, maybe there would’ve been,” I said honestly. “But as much as I love you as a person, Nova, I love Charlie. My wife.”
The words felt solid and unshakable as they left my mouth. I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes for a brief moment, letting it sink in again.
My wife. The title wasn’t just a label; it was a truth that grounded me.
When I opened my eyes, Nova’s expression had softened, her smile small but genuine. “I’m glad you have that,” she said quietly. “You deserve it.”
We both sat in that moment, the unspoken understanding passing between us.
“There’s a children’s museum nearby—it’s indoors. We could meet there tomorrow, say nine?”
I nodded without hesitation. “I’ll be there.”
She offered a small, relieved smile, and for the first time, the tension in the air seemed to ease just slightly.
This was happening. It wasn’t going to be perfect, but it was a start.