Chapter 39 Austin
austin
Just like every single moment in my lifetime, she walked out. She left me. When I needed someone the most, she left.
I wasn’t worthy of being in love.
I wasn’t strong enough to be sober.
I wasn’t ready to be a dad.
And in all of it, I just lost the one person I needed by my side.
I grabbed a bag and shoved clothes in, trying my best not to linger too long inside the house. I needed to get out of here because I didn’t trust my meds—I didn’t trust myself to stay above water. It was all crashing down.
Charlie left. I had a daughter, a daughter I was meeting tomorrow.
I dialed Dirks’s number.
“I was waiting for you,” he said when he answered. “Come over.”
“Thank you,” I muttered, my voice rough and raspy. “Thank you,” I repeated, barely louder, before hanging up.
I didn’t care who had told him or how he’d found out. None of it mattered anymore because my entire life had just changed, and it was all my fault. I’d carried shame on my shoulders for as long as I could remember, but it felt heavier than ever. Crushing. I’d never felt more alone in it than now.
I grabbed the keys off the counter and walked to my car, heading toward Dirks’s apartment in the city.
Dirks still lived in a towering high-rise where most of the Ravens’ players stayed.
With a game this week, I knew I couldn’t stay long, but I needed a break—a reprieve from the suffocating weight of the house.
The drive took over an hour but felt like mere minutes.
I didn’t listen to music or a podcast. I just drove in the silence.
I parked in the garage and buzzed up. The building was familiar.
It was the same place Nova and I had lived in when we were married, the same one that I moved out of years ago.
Any other day, I’d put more weight into what it meant to walk back in here, but I was headed up to Dirks’s floor without a second thought.
With damp hair, he stood waiting in a sweatsuit. “Come in,” he said and pushed the door open.
I nodded silently and walked inside.
His place was modern, the furniture sleek—black leather couches, a glass coffee table, and just enough decor to avoid feeling cold. I dropped my bag onto the floor next to the larger couch and sank into it.
He walked over and handed me a dark, fizzy drink in a crystal-clear glass. “It’s just soda.”
I smiled and set the drink on the glass table beside me without taking a sip. He sat on the smaller couch across from me, leaning forward slightly, his elbows resting on his knees.
“How did you know?” I asked, breaking the silence. I nervously traced the edge of the cushion beside me as I waited for his answer.
He looked down and ran his hands through his hair before leaning back onto the couch. “Luna called. She, uh—”
“What?” I demanded. “Spit it out.”
“We’ve been reconnecting. I told her Jeremy got out of rehab. She broke up with her boyfriend and moved here a week ago. I was curious if they’d contact you.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “They didn’t call me. I fucking saw Nova at Evie’s holiday sing-along.” I closed my eyes as I told him what had happened over the past twenty-four hours, including Charlie walking out on me.
“I don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s mad that I’m trying to have a relationship with my kid? That seems unfair.” I slumped deeper into the couch and put my feet up on the ottoman in front of me.
“Hmm, I don’t think I agree,” Dirks said, holding up his hand to ward off any immediate reaction. “If I can be honest?”
“Please,” I said, leaning back and bracing myself.
“You guys are technically married, and for the last few months, you’ve been acting like a married couple. She goes out with you, you’re always with her, and then—bam—she finds out you were with your ex-wife and that you suddenly have this mysterious new kid? That’s tough shit, man.”
I sat there, silent, letting his words sink in.
“I mean, she probably thought she’d have your first baby. Sure, maybe she’s not your first marriage, but she might’ve thought she’d have that milestone with you, you know? Your first kid. And then this happens . . .”
“Oh my god,” I muttered.
My mind spun as everything she’d said and done replayed in vivid clarity.
Of course she was upset. She’d once told me that no one ever put her first, that she was always second best. I was completely ignorant of how all of this must’ve made her feel.
I’d been so caught up in my own mess, I didn’t even see hers.
He leaned back, giving me a moment to process before he spoke again. “Honestly, this break might not be the worst thing. Especially if you’re meeting Scarlette tomorrow. Gives you both a little space to breathe.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly, still reeling. “Maybe.”
The silence stretched between us. Neither of us seemed ready to break it, both lost in the weight of everything unsaid.
Dirks leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees again, studying me. “Are you ready to be a dad?”
“I’m terrified . . . I’m a fucking alcoholic.”
He shook his head, sitting up straighter.
“No, you’re not. You’re sober. You’ve been sober for years.
You’ve worked hard for this. Don’t diminish all the work you’ve put in.
It’s normal to be scared about this big news, but don’t convince yourself you’re going to be a shit dad because of your addiction.
You’ve handled it for years . . . for yourself. ”
I stared at the floor, shaking my head, but he didn’t stop.
“You used to be that guy. Clubs, blackouts, getting fucked up every weekend. Now? You’re at farmers’ markets and having movie marathons.”
A laugh escaped me, short and dry. “Those marathons? Mostly just excuses to stay home with Charlie.”
And fuck her. I wanted to add that, but I kept that little piece of information to myself.
“Whatever, man. My point still stands. You’ve changed. The fact that you’re scared proves it. If you didn’t care, I’d be worried.”
I sat back and exhaled slowly. “Yeah,” I muttered. “Maybe.” I needed to distract myself. “What about you and Luna? You back together?”
He shook his head, his expression unreadable. “No. It’s complicated.”
“Is Jer here?”
Dirks shrugged, leaning back. “I haven’t seen him.”
I nodded. I couldn’t process Jeremy’s return.
I picked up the glass of soda Dirks had given me, swirling the liquid absentmindedly, watching the bubbles rise to the surface.
My gaze drifted to the skyline visible through the massive windows of his apartment, but my thoughts were far away. Scarlette. Charlie.
Something shifted in the back of my mind, a small voice whispering the thing I’d been avoiding: I needed to talk to my mom.
The thought came slowly, threading itself through the chaos in my mind.
If anyone could help me untangle this mess—help me face my fears—it was her.
She’d seen me at my worst, dragged me out of it more than once, and if anyone could guide me through this, it was her.
And Ledger. He’d know what to say, even if he’d deliver it with his usual bluntness.
I set the glass down and looked at Dirks. “I need to head out.”
He nodded. “You good?”
“I will be. I need to talk to my mom.”
Dirks gave me a small, understanding smile. “That’s a good move. Just . . . don’t beat yourself up too much, okay? You’re figuring it out. Call me later?”
I nodded, standing slowly and grabbing my jacket. “I will. Thanks, man.”
Dirks just waved me off, and I headed out the door.
Before pulling out of Dirks’s parking lot, I shot a quick text to Ledger.
Me: Can you meet me at Mom’s café in an hour?
I stared at the screen for a second before hitting send. The café would be closed by the time I got there, and Evie was still with her sitter for today, so it was perfect timing. I took a deep breath, put my phone down, and started the car. It was time to deal with this head-on.
My mom’s café was like a reflection of her personality—eclectic, cozy, and full of unexpected charm.
The walls were painted in soft, inviting colors, adorned with mismatched art and handwritten chalkboard menus.
She always had a seasonal drink on offer, and the place smelled like whatever flavor was featured that month.
When I pulled up, I could see her through the window, wiping down the counters. Ledger stood behind the counter, already helping himself to coffee. The shop was closed, and the chairs were stacked on the tables.
I knocked on the glass, and Ledger glanced up, smiling as he came over to unlock the door. “Hey, you,” he said, pulling it open and stepping aside to let me in.
The moment I walked in, the aroma of gingerbread hit me.
“Mom’s seasonal special?” I asked, nodding toward the coffee in his hand.
“Always,” he said with a grin.
I forced a small smile as I fully stepped inside, the weight of why I was here pressing down on me again.
My mom glanced up from the counter, wiping her hands on a towel, her expression softening the moment she saw me. She dropped the towel and ran toward me. Before I could say a word, she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a hug.
“Are you doing okay?”
I nodded, and she released me.
“Let me get you a coffee.”
Ledger stayed quiet, his mug in hand as Mom poured the coffee into a matching mug. She returned a moment later, setting it down in front of me with a reassuring smile.
“Thanks,” I muttered, curling my hands around the warm ceramic.
“Should we wait for Charlie?” Ledger asked.
I shook my head, staring down at the steaming mug in front of me. “She’s not coming,” I said quietly. “She . . . left.”
Mom and Ledger exchanged a glance, but neither of them said anything, waiting for me to explain. I took a deep breath, my hands tightening around the mug as I tried to find the words.
I told them what happened this morning with Nova, with Charlie, and with Scarlette. They both listened intently.