Chapter 32 #2
Finn grabs the bottom of my top and I jump as the cold of his knuckles softly brushes against my bare stomach.
He lifts it up and off me and then dumps it in my hamper.
He wastes no time pulling the pajama top over my head, the soft fabric doing nothing to hide the chill I’m pretending is because of the AC.
He kneels down before me, his shoulders forcing me to widen my legs. The air in my bedroom turns thick as he slides my black pants down my legs, giving him a clear view of my red lace panties. His eyes close tightly and he lets out a groan that I hear even though it’s quiet.
I lift my eyebrow. “Down boy, I thought we were only getting ready for bed.”
His hazel eyes flash with heat and mischief, but he returns his focus to the task at hand. The heat, the awkwardness, the feeling that everything is right again now that he’s back with me; it’s all too much, putting too much pressure on my chest and I need to lighten the load.
My pants are halfway up my thighs when I say, “Please tell me what you know.”
“Cherry, I said—”
“I’m not talking about that,” I say desperately. “I’m talking about why I broke up with you. I’m so confused, Finn. It feels like I did the right thing, and yet it’s like this whole thing isn’t sitting right.”
He fumbles around with the pants, but that’s my only sign he’s heard me, until he says, “I can’t, baby.”
“Why not?”
He taps my thigh, his way of telling me to stand up. I stand and swat his hands away so I can pull up my pajama pants myself. I slam myself back down onto the bed when I’m done, and he remains kneeling in front of me.
He lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s not my heart, Cherry. I can’t tell you how to decipher it. You’ve got to do that yourself, otherwise it’ll seem like I’m just telling you how to feel.”
“But you read it so easily.”
His smile ghosts along his lips. “Because you’re a shitty liar. You wear everything on your sleeve. Well, not everything, I guess, but since we’ve been dating, I’ve learned to decipher what isn’t transparent.”
We sit in this thick silence we’ve created; two people who are fighting something that seems impenetrable. But we try, nonetheless. No, I try, nonetheless.
“I need to sleep,” I tell him.
“Yes, you do.”
He stands, stopping to leave a kiss on my forehead along the way. It threatens my composure, my ability to keep these tears at bay.
“Get some sleep, Cherry. Wake up refreshed and I’ll leave some breakfast in the fridge for you.”
He turns to leave but I reach out and grab his wrist. “Where are you going?”
He smiles sadly at me. “Home, Cherry. I just … really needed to see you; to know that you’re okay. Safe.”
“I’m not okay,” I say truthfully. “I’m not. I’ve lost everything. Everyone.”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “What are you talking about? You still have everyone in your corner, Oakleigh.”
“Wren is gone. You’re gone.”
He cups my face firmly and his expression becomes hard, serious.
“You listen to me, Oakleigh. Wren is still there, she just needs time. I am here. If you think I would ever leave you, you’re insane.
And the guys will always be there for you anytime you need them.
” He pushes some of my hair back. “You will never be alone, Cherry. You’re too loved.
Too lovable to go anywhere that’s out of your orbit. ”
A tear manages to sneak past my defenses, falling down my face until Finn wipes it away softly.
“We didn’t even talk about what your parents said.”
“You want to know what they said? They said that this whole time, I could have had the woman I loved if I just communicated with you. I said you would never find anyone not because I thought you genuinely wouldn’t, Cherry.
Not in the least. I said it because I meant that I hoped you never found anyone else because it would kill me quicker than a bullet to the head.
The pain of watching the woman I love be loved by someone else would have ended me in a way that I can’t describe.
It’s selfish, I know, but I’ve silently been selfish when it comes to you for fifteen years. ”
He straightens up. “I’m so goddamn sorry for what I said. I’m so sorry that I did that, especially considering how you felt at the time…”
I liked him. I had managed to set aside my anger from when we first met and change that into an infatuation that I hid behind a wall of false hate. Then he said that to me and every emotion in me darkened. Like turned to hate, but attraction stayed the same.
“God, Cherry, when my mom told me how you felt then, I almost lost my fucking mind. Knowing that there was a part of you that had feelings for me, and I crushed them like they meant nothing, even though it would have meant literally everything.”
“Are you trying to say you liked me, too?” I ask with wide eyes.
He scoffs wryly, as if my words are an insult.
“Cherry, I have never once ‘liked’ you. Never. The moment I met you, I told myself that I never knew love until that moment; I made a promise to myself that I would continue to love you, even if that was never reciprocated. Every single thing about you drew me in—your stubbornness, your charm, your wit. You have always been a flame that shone brighter than anyone else. I have never liked you, Cherry, but you can be damn well sure that I have always, always loved you.”
He leans down toward me and for a second, I hope that he’ll kiss me, but all he lets himself do is brush his lips against mine. When he pulls away, he looks tired and defeated.
“Get some sleep, Cherry. Please.”
Without another glance, he leaves, closing my bedroom door behind him.
For an hour afterward, I hear him in my kitchen, cooking God knows what, but I force myself to lay in my bed and not move.
My front door opens but it’s a minute or two before it closes again. I imagine him looking back at the corridor leading to this room, the urge to come back making him hesitate. But logic wins. My front door closes, and I move to lay on my side, letting the tears fall.
He says I’m not alone, but for someone not alone, I sure feel pretty damn lonely.