2. Chapter 2
Chapter 2
Jake
Kissing Vi was everything I had ever dreamed of. In the back of my mind, a little voice insisted I was weak for giving in, but I silenced it for one more second. And another. I needed her mouth for a bit longer. Enough that I could etch every sensation and move of her against me into my brain, and remember it forever.
Her hands found my waist, and grabbed at the soft flesh there as if she needed a place to moor herself. It drove me wild and I licked her lips, asking for more.
She gave me more. The kiss deepened, and time ran at a different pace, both too fast and a tad slow. My fingers twitched where they grasped at her, like I needed the confirmation that she was indeed in my arms. I'd waited for far too long, and a part of me wondered if I could be making it up.
The way her tongue moved against mine told me it was reality. Her soft moan made my heart spin. Her hands traveled from my sides to my back in a hug; her arms couldn't quite surround the full expanse of my torso and stomach, but it didn't matter. She pulled from me like she wanted it all.
I wanted it all. With her, from her. Give it all to her. All of me. I had wanted it for years.
But when she broke the kiss— slowly, as if she was in the same daze I was in— I remembered. There were reasons why it hadn't happened before.
The hand in her hair fell to her shoulder; the hand on her back latched at her soft hip. I pushed back from her in a wobbly step.
"Fuck," I said again.
"What?" Hurt laced her voice.
"I'm sorry. I promised I would never do that."
"To whom?!"
"To myself."
"What? Why? Jake—"
"I hate seeing you sad and not being able to make it better. I hate that you were wondering if anyone could ever love you and here I am, feeling…" The sentence died halfway. "But I can't be that person for you. I shouldn't. It's not fair to anyone. Not you, not me…"
"You know what isn't fair? That you finally kissed me and regretted it right away!"
I straightened in place, my hands in fists. "Or that I kissed you right when you're getting a promotion that puts you above me in the company, Vi."
The anger on her face melted away. Her mouth turned slack as she put the pieces together.
"Fuck. I know that," she said. "I can't be with you if I'm higher up in the hierarchy."
"No, you can't. And I put you in an awkward position by kissing you."
She frowned. Some of her frustration shone through again; she crossed her arms, my suit jacket still on.
An ache stitched a knot behind my sternum. She wore my jacket, looked gorgeous in a dress that I couldn't make up my mind if it was gold or silver in the night light, and she hurt the way I did, too.
Her eyes focused narrowly on me. "That's not how it works. If I have more power than you then it's on me."
"Yeah, but right now that's not it." I clenched my jaw. "We're still at the same level. But even when the company hierarchy wasn't an issue, Vi… It's still not a good idea."
Her brow furrowed with a pained expression, and it broke my heart. So I prepared myself to lay it open in front of her, showing her every fiber I had hidden away.
"It's about my family, isn't it?" she asked.
I nodded. "You know how much your family means to me. They're the people that I think of when I think of parents or a brother." I gave her a lopsided smirk. "Even if you've never been a sister. But if I ever did anything about how I feel, Vi… if we took the risk and saw where it could lead us… if they disapprove for some reason or it doesn't work, I could lose all of you."
She looked back at me with a mix of anguish and anger; I sighed and looked at the gravel at my feet. Anytime I fantasized about a romantic relationship with Vi, a dark tremor followed the blissful images of us together. They brought tidings of a future where the Sotomayors didn't want me around, and a stormy cloud built in my mind in response.
My nails dug into my palms, but I squeezed my hands tighter. "I can't imagine a future without you or Gabe or your parents. I wouldn't know myself without the four of you. I would have to quit and change jobs. Hell, I'd have to change cities. Leave the country." I scoffed. Losing her and her family would simply devastate me. "I can't be the guy you could fall in love with, because you might not. Or I might screw up. Or someone could be angry and believe I'm doing it for the wrong reasons."
She pursed her lips together. Fire burned behind her eyes, bright enough to show in the dim night light.
I shook my head. "If things don't work out, it's not me who they would rally for— as they should, your family would pick you. So I'm doomed to watch you from afar, and wait for the day when you fall in love with someone who's not me."
That was the realization I had lived with for most of my adult life. Ever since one too many summers together had forced me to accept I had feelings for my best friend's sister.
Her nostrils flared. "You know I want to fight you on that, don't you? Tell you there has to be a way to see if we could be it for each other, and fall in lo—" her voice broke, but she ground the word out— "love with each other. Without risking you losing us."
"Vi…" I took a step closer and lifted a hand halfway to her. "You know my history. You know I come from a messy family and a rough childhood."
"But you've been in therapy forever! You've never so much as raised your voice!"
"That's because I take pride in my control of myself! Every time I refuse to follow an instinct I'm proving my parents could have done the same."
"But you're human—"
"And I'm fallible. I just kissed you when I said I wouldn't, didn't I? I don't know what else I might do if I let go. I've never cared enough to reveal these parts of myself to my exes but with you… Vi, with you I feel too much. It's not fair to put you in the line of fire, or to put the burden on your family if this goes south. A false step or two and I might wreck the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"Even if you can't trust us to be better than to shun you… at least do better than to choose what's fair for me. I get to choose what risks I'm willing to take."
The words punched me in the gut— my insides revolted for causing her unhappiness. She was right to call me out on those things, and I let out a controlled breath not to react poorly. Her face hardened, the look a one-eighty from her usual friendly, open, warm energy. If she never smiled at me again, I probably deserved it.
Yet I believed I did what was best for everyone. That holding my ground made me the kind of man I wanted to be, and one that would make me and her family proud.
"I hear that." I leveled my eyes with hers. "But I still don't trust myself to be the man you deserve."
She shook her head and wiped her face. I hadn't seen a tear fall, but the idea she hurt enough to cry tore me in two.
"I was selfish to kiss you," I whispered.
"I wanted you to kiss me. I've been wanting it for years. But we can't take it anywhere, not when I'm about to become a VP." She took off my jacket. "And it's not like I can convince you to risk everything for me, anyway."
With a straight arm, she offered me my jacket back.
I was torn, my heart raw and open, but I kept it all under wraps. For years I feared something like this could happen. Now it was here, and a part of me was glad I had prepared. A kiss may flag my weakness, but I could glue the pieces back together.
I took the jacket but didn't put it on. "I'm so sorry, Vi."
"I know. I'm sorry, too."
I’d have to watch her find the man of her dreams one day, and forget all about that weird night when she thought she wanted to be with me. Even if knowing her lips haunted me forever, I could learn to live with that.
"We have to move on." I gulped. "It's the safest bet."
"Good luck to us."
She crossed her arms and walked away. I followed her from a respectable distance, my suit jacket hanging from my arm, and my heart trailing behind me on the gravel.