Chapter 9
THE WEDDING WOLVES
Tim:
EMERGENCY. Why was I not invited to the cake tasting? Why was there a cake tasting at all without me? WHY IS THERE CAKE WITHOUT ME??
Amelia
Because it was supposed to be chill. Because it was just me and Gage. Because you're . . . you.
Tim
Exactly. I'm me. Which means I bring emotional insight, palate discernment, and layered frosting expectations.
Colin
Here we go.
Tim
I’m sorry, but I’m not letting my sister walk into holy matrimony without a cake that’s been spiritually evaluated by someone who understands trauma frosting.
Gage
We chose the cake. It’s done.
Tim
That’s not legally binding. Did I sign anything? No. Was I given a fork and a flight of buttercream options? No. Therefore: mistrial.
Marin
Wait. What was the flavor? And does it reflect their bond, or was it just . . . a flavor? Because this cake is a symbol. Of love. Of growth. Of sexy emotional healing.
Gage
It’s chocolate raspberry. With actual frosting. Not trauma. Not symbols. Just cake.
Tim
Chocolate raspberry?? Okay, love that for the taste, but what is this, a 2003 bridal expo?
? This isn’t just dessert. It’s the final chapter of your wedding day novel, and you’re calling it “Chocolate Raspberry Cake.” Where’s the narrative?
Where’s the emotional layering?? Does that description say “forever” or does it say “we panicked and picked the first tier that didn’t collapse”?
Colin
Tim. It’s cake. Not a metaphor.
Tim
It’s both. Also, I had a vision of a three-tiered brown butter pistachio masterpiece with a caramel center that whispers “we healed our mother wounds.” And maybe a fourth secret tier for my emotional closure.
Amelia
You are not getting a secret tier.
Tim
Then I demand a formal tasting. Blind. Curated. Elegant. Possibly candlelit.
Gage
No.
Tim
You keep saying that word but it’s not stopping me.
Marin
What’s the frosting texture though? Because if it’s giving fondant, I’m hexing someone.
Gage
It’s buttercream. And you’re all exhausting.
Colin
I’m with Gage on this. You want cake, Tim? Buy a cupcake. The wedding one’s chosen. Done.
Tim
I will not be silenced by a man who once bought store-brand whipped topping.
Colin
That was for a breakup trifle, and you know it.
Marin
I’m still seeing a lot of resistance to a full wedding cake ritual and not enough open communication.
Do the tiers each represent a chapter in their love story?
Is there a flavor that captures Gage’s emotional growth?
Have we considered edible glitter that gently says “they made it through the storm?”
Gage
If glitter ends up on this cake, I’m canceling the wedding.
Tim
You wouldn’t.
Gage
Try me.
Amelia
STOP. The cake is chosen. It’s chocolate raspberry. I liked it. It made me feel things. Gage smiled when I fed it to him. It was a moment. It’s done.
Tim
Okay, that was kind of cute. Fine. I’ll allow it. BUT I’m making a petition for a post-reception cake flight in the lounge. For emotional reasons.
Colin
Absolutely not.
Marin
I’ll sign it. We deserve joy.
Gage
I’m muting this chat.
Tim
Great. While you’re gone, I’m renaming it “Tier Justice: The Final Frosting.”