38
GRIEF COMES IN WAVES
The rollercoaster of emotions continued a week after Carol’s death. I hadn’t seen or heard from Nate after the run-in that day. He didn’t call or text, he didn’t come round. It seemed like he had just disappeared. Even his boss called me, asking if I had an update on Nate, as he was due to return to work.
As romantic as it was that he had listed me as his emergency contact, I also wasn’t his keeper when he decided to avoid responsibilities. And to be honest I didn’t know what was happening with him, or with us as a couple. He was probably out somewhere using alcohol to soothe his pain, falling back into the old habits he had overcome. That could potentially mean he was fucking others, while I waited at home for him, like some naive idiot. This could be the end of us, no second chances.
I wasn’t going to be his plaything to pick up and drop when he wanted. And I prayed to God that he hadn’t slept with that barmaid again. He knew where I was and he had yet another apology to make, not just to me, but to Ivy too. I was mad that he just left her at the hospital that day. That he hadn’t bothered to check in with her since.
I had checked in with Ivy everyday since and she seemed to be doing a lot better, Jude and her were sorting the funeral. Her dad, just like Nate, had disappeared, leaving Ivy to deal with this. After I left him at the bar, I stayed in bed for the next two days replaying the same conversation in my head before I decided I wasn’t going to be that insecure wreck anymore, listening to the voices in my head, both Nate’s and my own with anxiety that it was my fault. Because it fucking wasn’t.
I joined a yoga class that I did every day and it really helped my mind, it calmed the anxiety and I left feeling good. I also took myself for a morning run around the city park before it got too warm, breathing in the fresh summer air, before the humidity kicked in.
I was glad it was coming towards the end of June as the sun came up early, meaning I could go for a run at 5am if I couldn't sleep. After lunch, I got started on my business and with that I worked into the night.
I decided on a name, ‘Gigi Henley Promote’, and a logo that combined the letters GHP. I was super excited and I was glad for the new focus. I had gone back to my old habits of working most of the day as that was all I had right now.
One evening, I got sick of sitting in the apartment and decided to go into town. I wanted to go dancing and enjoy my night, it had been a while since I did that. So, I got myself dressed in a gorgeous skin tight red dress, my killer heels and red lipstick and was ready to go to the club.
I had messaged the old work chat to see if anyone else was up for it. Jennifer responded and so did a couple others. We decided to hit the streets of London and drink and dance the night away. We bar crawled all over Westminster and Embankment until we hit a familiar bar, ‘The Nightingale’. Anxiety leaped in my chest but I decided to go anyway with the girls.
We began to dance around in the sea of bodies, just us girls letting loose after a couple of shots. A couple guys gave me attention and bought us drinks and to hell with it we accepted, it was a cheaper night for us. And then, I saw him. Nate.
He looked like he hadn’t moved from that spot for the past week. The beautiful brunette Olive leaned over the bar as she poured the drinks, having a conversation with him. My heart sank. So that’s where he had been all week.
Well fuck you, Nate. While I’d been going crazy with worry, being there for his sister and dealing with this myself, he was drunk again, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he was fucking it all out of his system with the beautiful barmaid.
On purpose, I wandered to the bar, just a small distance from them and ordered another drink. Nate’s eyes darted in my direction as the hot male bartender, with a man bun and brown eyes, poured me a drink. I leaned over the bar, pressing my cleavage and said something to him, not taking my eyes off Nate.
It was louder in here tonight as they had a themed night which contrasted the usual quiet atmosphere. Nate’s eyes darkened. I gave a sweet smile to the bartender as he gave me the drink on the house.
Nate grabbed my arm, jolting me in place, he stood up off his stool and moved closer to me. I looked up at him, doe-eyed, pasting an innocent smile on my lips, to wind him up of course, before taking a sip of my drink through the straw.
“What are you doing here?” he growled.
“I’m here with friends,” I nodded over to the group of girls on the dancefloor and he relaxed. “I hope Olive is taking good care of you.” I smiled sweetly, looking over his shoulder to her as I pulled away from his grip.
“Gi! It’s not like that.”
“Mhm,” I hummed, not paying attention anymore. “Do what you want, Nate.” I shrugged him off and joined the girls back on the dance floor. Today I was going to get shitfaced, dance until my feet hurt and I was going to stumble home. Shame it would be alone, as I was technically still in a relationship. Were we still in a relationship anymore? Nate watched me carefully.
An attractive stranger came over to dance with me, he looked like he took care of himself, his muscles bulging from his shirt. The girls welcomed him over and Jennifer tried to dance with him but he seemed to be interested in me. I told him straight, I had a boyfriend and that I wasn’t interested. I tried to encourage him to dance with Jennifer, or there were plenty of other girls here in the club, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Nate eyed this stranger, as I kept telling him no and shifting away from him.
“She said no!” a deep husky voice warned him. Nate had put himself between me and the guy.
“Who the fuck are you?” the muscular stranger shouted at Nate.
“I’m her boyfriend, arsehole.” Nate’s hands balled into fists. I stepped in between them, the testosterone that was radiating off them intoxicated me.
“Nate it’s fine, I can handle myself,” I told him, his body was like stone as he stared down the stranger. It was weird to see Nate become protective over me when his actions had been the opposite this week.
“See, the beautiful lady can handle herself, so why don’t you go back to your seat?” the man provoked, chuckling at Nate.
“Hey, don’t be a dick!” I spat at the stranger. “Nate, I’ve got this,” I stepped away ready to walk away and grab my jacket.
“She’s got a great mouth on her mate. Shame she will have it around my cock tonight, and not yours,” the egotistical stranger taunted.
And in seconds Nate had punched this guy and broken his nose. The guy fought back and it took three security guards to tear them off each other. They were both ready to go back for round two. One of the bouncers was talking to Nate trying to calm him down.
My friends looked over at the scene the men had caused, my eyes watered, furious that tonight was ruined. Both men were bloody and bruised. I tried to catch my breath, the adrenaline pumping through my body. I apologised to the girls and grabbed my stuff to make my way home.
Nate followed me home, calling after me. I just cried and wrapped my arms around myself, to protect my heart from the hurt I was feeling. He’d only acted like a boyfriend at that moment because he saw someone hit on me and he didn’t like it.
Where had he been this whole week when I needed him? When we needed each other?
I let myself in my apartment and subconsciously left the door in case Nate decided to follow, to see if he still wanted to be my boyfriend. He wandered in, found a new bottle of whiskey in the cupboard and started to pour himself more alcohol. He winced at his bloody lip, as the brown liquid hit it, before he swallowed the neat whiskey in one shot. I shook my head at him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I growled through gritted teeth, crying.
“He doesn’t know the word NO!”
“It wasn’t your problem, Nate.” Nate chuckled back at me.
“Are you fucking kidding me? After what you have been through? A guy like that, he wouldn’t have stopped, he would have done the same thing Cato did.” The protective Nate came out to play.
“No, Nate. You don’t get to decide when to play the protective boyfriend card.”
“Well, sweetheart, I am your boyfriend,” he stated, pouring more whiskey and taking another sip.
“Really? Where the fuck have you been this week?” I yelled towards him. “Would a boyfriend blame his girlfriend for his mother’s death?” It poured out of me, all the anger and emotion I had been feeling the past week.
“Would a boyfriend be getting shitfaced every day? Sleeping somewhere else every night with God knows who, while his girlfriend is checking in on his sister, out of her mind with worry about him and dealing with the grief herself? Carol was like a second Mum to me. I lost her too, Nate.”
I cried, the tears fell and I couldn’t stop them. Nate was speechless; he didn't say a word. He gripped the counter with his hands and dropped his head between his outstretched arms, not looking my way.
“This week, I haven’t had a boyfriend,” I stated.
“Gi, I’m so sorry,” he said, taking a deep breath and looking into my eyes, a single tear fell from his and he moved himself towards me. Standing in front of me he reached out, “I haven’t been dealing with this well. Yes, I’ve been drinking, but that’s all. I promise.”
“I need you to leave, please,” I whispered, stepping out of his touch, as I folded my arms across my chest, to put some space between us. I didn’t have it in me for anything else. I didn’t want to talk or get sucked into his drama. I was carrying the weight of both of us on my shoulders and it was weighing me down, I couldn’t carry anymore.
“Gi, I love you,” he stated, as he began to cry uncontrollably. This was the first time I had seen Nate cry like this. It was painful to watch, and I wanted to comfort him, but my mind spoke out, Who would comfort me?
“Please, leave,” I choked out. I know I should have told him I loved him too but I hurt so much right now, my brain was foggy and I just couldn’t process. My heart was shattered and I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore…maybe just numb.