39
NO GOOD IN GOODBYE
June 30th. It was the day we were all dreading. The day of Carol’s funeral. I was sick as a dog all morning, I hadn’t seen Nate since I blurted everything out after the club. He did try and reach out but I closed myself off. He sent flowers to my house, tried to call me and when I sent him to voicemail, he would leave a message. I would replay it over and over again, before bed, just so I could hear his voice.
Right now though I didn’t have the strength to deal with his shit. To watch him turn the boyfriend role on and off like a switch when it suited him. To watch him destroy himself over and over again when he couldn’t deal with things in a better way. I needed to make myself a priority for once.
I slipped into a black knee length dress, black tights and my black KG heeled boots. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and got myself ready. Today was going to be tough. Tough for Ivy but also tough for Nate. If he decided to show. Right now, my focus was on Ivy.
The service went smoothly, I quietly sat in the back, allowing Ivy to be with her family. Her Dad actually showed, sitting beside her, with Jude on her other side, comforting her as she cried all the way through. Just behind them was Nate, he sat all alone, no one to comfort him. I should have been there, but I thought, maybe, it was best not to be.
I couldn’t help but glance at him, his face was blank, his body hard as stone and I could see the pain in his eyes as he focused on the casket in front, on the stage. He noticed me and smiled softly, and I did the same, before he swallowed the tears back to focus on the priest and family members giving a speech about Carol. Ivy even stood to speak, but it got too much for her so Jude finished reading it for her.
Next, came the burial. I stood behind Ivy and placed my hand on her shoulder. As Jude helped to carry the casket to the site. Nate was standing miles away, overlooking again, like a statue. Like he was afraid to get too near. It was close enough to see, but far enough to leave without being noticed. His shades covered his eyes so no one could see his emotion.
I could tell from his pale skin and posture that he hadn't slept in days and I wondered if he was eating. I couldn’t help but worry; I still loved him, more than anything. I felt guilty that I had become a bad girlfriend, not supporting him enough and leaving him in this mess to get out of.
After Carol was laid to rest, Nate disappeared. The family fizzled out but Ivy stood still, looking into the grave. Jude had his arm around her. Her Dad had disappeared again too. She nodded at Jude as she turned to face me, taking my hands in hers.
“Go to him,” she said, softly taking me by surprise.
“Who?” I asked.
“Nate. He needs you.” She forced a smile. “Don't deny it, I've seen the way you look at each other. You’re good for him.”
“I doubt that I am right now.” I said, fiddling with the hem of the black blazer that I grabbed last minute, when the chill hit me as I left the apartment.
“He’s hurting, and so are you. You both do the same thing. Push people away and close off. Reach out to him. None of you should be alone.” She encouraged me.
“Iv… how long have you known?” I asked, processing the fact that she was talking to me about the one thing I’d worried about for months. I realised then, she knew something was going on, she had figured it out.
“I had a suspicion, but it was confirmed the morning of the wedding. Why do you think I kept putting you guys together?”
I shook my head at her. It wasn't the universe forcing us together but my best friend. Even on a day like today she was a ray of sunshine. My best friend.
I kissed her cheek and ran off to find Nate.
I obeyed Ivy and decided to go straight to the penthouse. I was going to wait for him to come home, no matter how long it took, hours, days, weeks. Months? I’d wait.
Ivy was right, I closed off and pushed him away too. I needed to fix this, he was my everything and he had tried to reach out afterwards. Not only had he lost his Mum, but in a way he had now lost me too.
I let myself in with my key and was greeted by the sound of bangs and smashing. He was here, and he was destroying his house, anger, pain, flooding out, coming undone from his usual composed self. He stopped when he noticed me in the doorway. Staring at me in disbelief, as if I was a figment of his imagination. The hurt in his eyes, the anger melting into despair, he froze looking at me. That’s when I noticed his blood-shot eyes. He hadn’t slept in days, tears and snot all over his face, as he wept, sinking to the ground on his knees.
My heart broke. Has he been like this since I saw him at the club? Slowly, I walked over to him, avoiding the broken vases, cups and whatever else lay shattered on the floor. All I knew was I needed to reach him. I crouched down beside him and pulled him into me; a warm embrace. Comforting him as he sobbed even harder into me. He is broken. He is lost. I stroked his hair and pulled him close. Letting him just be.
Eventually, he snaked his arms around me and squeezed me close, afraid that if he let go, he'd lose me. And we stayed there for a while, on the floor. I just held him. The way I should have back then, I should have seen that though all the hurt was just a boy who lost his Mum.
“It should have been him,” he said eventually, gritting his teeth. I wasn’t sure what he was going on about until he continued. “He was meant to go, not her,” he cried out in pain. A sound that would chill me to the bones.
Carol had decided to get in the car in place of Mark and it ended up being this twisted version of fate that we were left with. The collision had been with a drunk driver, skipping a red light and slammed straight into her car. Nate was mad at himself, at his Dad, and at the world for taking away the person he loved more than anything.
Carol and Nate's bond was strong even with the complicated relationship with his Dad. Carol was the best Mum to Nate and Ivy, the one who helped Nate to be a part of the family and make sure he kept his place there, she was the glue of her family and without her, the family was now a broken mess.
I let him cry it all out before walking him to the bedroom. He needed to sleep. At first, he resisted before he eventually gave in, exhausted, emotion finally consuming him. I got him to settle in bed as I laid beside him, stroking his face, running my hand through his hair, encouraging him to sleep, even when he tried to fight me off. Being so close to him I noticed for the first time in weeks there wasn’t a hint of alcohol on his breath. I went to climb off the bed but he stirred.
“Stay with me,” he said, gripping my hand. I gently nodded, repositioning myself closer. I wasn't going anywhere. The deep sleep returned for Nate, but I couldn’t sleep so I let my tears fall, as I watched him peacefully, replaying the pain I had witnessed in him today. It was like no other. All I knew was, I would never leave Nate’s side again.
Nate slept in all morning, as I snuck out of bed and started to put the apartment back together, ready for when he awoke, removing all traces of destruction. I poured up a pot of fresh coffee, as I had most mornings I spent here and I began to clean up all the broken glass and shards of pottery that scattered the floor.
Tears escaped me as the memory of Nate last night came flashing back. I just want him to be okay. I want to take away his pain. I felt so hopeless there was nothing I could do. He would need time to heal, time to grieve, no matter how long it took.
“You don't need to do that. I can call a cleaning service.” Nate's voice startled me out of my thoughts.
“It's okay, I’ve got it,” I said, giving him a warm smile.
“Thank you,” he said as he leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his bare torso, grey sweatpants resting on his hips, showing off the small V.
“For what?” I asked, trying to figure out why he needed to thank me.
“For this, for staying with me. After everything I did and said.”
“Nate, I’m your girlfriend and I love you.” I shrugged, trying to focus on getting the final pieces. It took everything in me not to burst into tears.
In a second, he was crouched down beside me, hesitating whether to touch me at first. But then he gently placed his hand on my wrist, stopping me from picking up any more shards. I looked up into his eyes, his face was so close to mine. His eyes looked slightly better than yesterday; the blood-shot had disappeared, but his skin was still pale.
“I love you Gi,” he whispered, he placed his forehead against mine as he guided me to my feet. I looked at his lips, wanting to plant a delicate kiss there, but it was like he read my mind. He moved in slowly, tentatively, as if it was our first kiss. And his lips touched mine, leaving a tingle on them when he lingered and then pulled away. I had missed him so much the last few weeks. That in that kiss was everything I knew I needed to know.
“Let's get some breakfast,” I proposed, knowing he needed something. As much as he turned his nose up at the thought of food, he reluctantly agreed. He dialled the cleaning company and scheduled the clean up for today, stating he would pay double the rate. I went into the kitchen and started to prepare food. Shortly after he hung up the call, he came over and watched me. There was silence, as I brought the coffee and scrambled eggs on toast to the table.
“Gi, I really am sorry,” He stated, looking into my eyes. As soon as he had the first mouthful of eggs, the colour returned to his face.
“I know, and I’m really sorry too” I replied, sipping my coffee. I watched him as he devoured the breakfast, as if he hadn’t eaten in days, glad to see a small part of my Nate was back. I just wanted to move on from this fight.
“Oh… Ivy knows,” I said, smirking, looking up from my coffee cup, watching his reaction. Nate choked on his coffee, surprised by my sudden outburst.
“What?!” he asked, “how was she when she found out?”
“Well, you were right, she was the one pushing us together all along it seems,” I chuckled. “She says she knew for definite at the wedding, when you got shy because of me,” I teased.
Ivy had texted me, saying she couldn't sleep last night. She wanted to check in with Nate, to make sure he was safe and that I had gone to him. In that moment, she told me she suspected there was something between us, but it was confirmed at the wedding, specifically when Nate had noticed me as he came to wish Ivy luck. She had intentionally pushed us to dance together to see if we would break.
She told me she had never seen Nate’s eyes sparkle as much as they did when he looked at me, that she had never seen him like this for anyone and in fact, only wanted the best for her brother and her best friend. She was over the moon.
“Shit, okay, well I guess she is okay with us after all then. And hey, that wasn’t my fault that I got shy that day. You looked so beautiful!” he chuckled.
It was a relief that we didn’t have to hide it anymore, it made me feel bad as I should have told Ivy the truth right from the start but she was the best friend a girl could ask for. I just couldn’t believe that Ivy had been setting us up in secret the whole time. I couldn’t wait to grill her for this.