16.
A JAX
“Come on, kiddo. Let’s get outta here.” Abigail looked at me like I was nuts and then glanced over her shoulder before she looked back at me again. “Yes, I’m talking to you, silly. Sandi took a long nap this afternoon and doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so I’m taking two of my favorite ladies out on the town.”
“The girls are already sleeping.”
“Exactly. In about ten minutes, Toris is going to walk through the front door so he can watch some television and listen for them in case they wake up, which means you have about nine minutes to go put some comfortable shoes on so I can take you on a night tour of the city.”
“But . . .”
“I don’t care about your butt. I care about your feet. Comfy shoes, preferably sneakers. Wear the ones Fish got for you to use when you walk on the treadmill.”
“What if . . .”
“You’re down to eight minutes.”
“You’re . . .”
“And, according to my research, if you want to have a drink while we’re out, you can do that. You’ll just have to use that pump when we get back so you can throw it out and then feed Booburrito when she wakes up at the crack of dawn.”
“But . . .”
“You haven’t left the apartment once since we got here almost two weeks ago.”
“I am well aware of when we got here and what I’ve done since then. I’m also well aware of how my breasts work, Ajax, since they’ve been used as a food source that has ruled my every waking moment for the last sixteen months.”
“So, why don’t you have your shoes on?”
Abigail stood up and narrowed her eyes for a second before she pointed her finger at my chest and then huffed in frustration. When I opened my mouth to say something else, her eyes got wide, and she slowly shook her head. It was such a classic mom thing that I was compelled to shut my mouth and stand there to wait for further instruction. Her finger was still pointing at me, and somehow, it felt like that one finger was holding me still and quiet as if she’d just performed some sort of magic trick.
She finally ran her hand over her face before she took a deep breath in through her nose and then blew it slowly.
Just then, Sandi breezed into the kitchen and laughed at what she saw - a tiny woman holding a grown man hostage with some sort of mom magic that I couldn’t even begin to understand.
Abigail spun around and looked at Sandi. She threw her hands up in the air and then let them drop again before she growled in frustration and stomped toward her bedroom.
“I know, honey,” Sandi commiserated. “You just wanna kill him, but we can’t do that until we get the lay of the land around here. We need to find out where the swamp with the hungry gators is located and then figure out how to dose him just enough that he can make his way downstairs to my car so we don’t have to drag him.”
“ What ?”
“I am impatiently waiting for the day that can happen,” Abigail called out over her shoulder before she shut her door.
“You want to feed me to the gators?” I asked.
“Most of the time,” Sandi explained as she walked closer to me and didn’t stop until we were almost toe to toe. She slid her hand up my chest and rested it on the back of my neck so she could pull me closer for a kiss. I wrapped my arms around her until she was melded to the front of my body and kissed her back. Before it got too heated, she leaned her head back and smiled at me. She completely ruined the moment when she said, “Just when I really get into planning the details, you do something that’s so wonderful I get sidetracked. That’s the only reason you’re still alive because every time you try to steamroll me into doing something, which I know is what you just did to Abigail that got her so worked up, I start planning again.”
“I don’t steamroll.”
“You don’t listen, and you just keep pushing whatever it is you want until the person you’re talking to either gives in or explodes. That’s steamrolling.”
“She needs to leave the house for a while and get some fresh air.”
“She’s a grown woman who knows exactly what she needs, and even though I completely agree with you, she might not, and I can understand why.”
“But . . .”
“She’s afraid to leave her babies here alone . . .”
“The guys will be here,” I interrupted.
Sandi ignored me and said, “With two men who are not related to them and have never had children of their own.”
“Valid,” I mumbled, not quite ready to give up the fight, but understanding that I had missed that little nuance.
“She’s probably afraid, Ajax. You’ve got this place locked down like Fort Knox, and if she leaves the safety of these four walls, there are all sorts of things that can happen.”
“That’s a good point,” I conceded with a frown.
“You need to go and lightly tap on the door. When she answers it, you should tell her that you’re sorry for steamrolling her and explain that you understand why she might not want to leave. Tell her that you’re really worried about her and just want to help any way you can.”
“But I . . .”
“Do you want her to go or not?”
“Yes.”
“Well, she’s currently plotting your murder. Go do something nice to get her off-track.”
“I can’t believe you’ve thought about killing me.”
“Then you’d really have a hard time believing just how many ways I’ve considered doing it.”
“I get no respect around here.”
“Maybe not, but you get blow jobs, so it evens out in the end.”
◆◆◆
“If I was the type to say ‘I told you so,’ I’d be doing it right now.”
Sandi tilted her head back and looked at me before she gave me a dreamy smile that probably had something to do with the live music we were dancing to, the quaint outdoor venue that Sandi and Abigail had both professed to love, and even more to do with the mixed drinks she’d been sucking down as we bar-hopped through this part of New Orleans.
“You’re not very sexy when you say stuff like that. It’s crazy that, at any other time, you’re so sexy that you set the bar on the hotness scale, but the second you open your mouth, you take a nosedive down to an internet troll with bad skin who lives in his mom’s basement with his blow-up doll and three cats.”
She said that loudly enough to make the couple slow dancing a few feet away laugh as well as me. The woman extended her fist and said, “Preach it, sister!” Sandi bumped it before she laughed and asked, “Do you know if there’s a swamp anywhere around here where I can dump his body?”
“No! But if you find one, you should share the location. There are times that information could come in very handy.”
I looked at the man she was dancing with and saw him shaking his head in disbelief. I resisted the urge to bump knuckles in commiseration and instead asked, “Don’t you think it’s weird that they are so happy to plot our deaths out loud here in front of God and everybody?”
The man grimaced before he said, “I forgot her fucking birthday, so I probably deserve to be gator food.”
“But he brought me to New Orleans for the weekend to make up for it, so he gets a pass this time,” the woman said sweetly.
“Word to the wise, brother - put the important dates in your phone and set a reminder for a month ahead so you can plan, a week ahead so you can confirm said plans, the day before to pull your head out of your ass, and the morning of so you can start out on the right foot.”
“I think you may be a genius,” I told the stranger.
“I’ve narrowly escaped a horrible and unexplainable death by whatever method of torture she’s learned about on those crime shows she watches.” When the woman nodded, he said, “Set reminders.”
“I’ll take that advice to heart.”
“If you want to keep hold of the good ones, you’ve gotta put in the work,” the man said before he spun his wife around and then pulled her back into his chest and held her close. “Good luck.”
As the couple drifted off, I looked down at Sandi and smiled at the relaxed expression on her face before I said, “I’ll need to sit down with you and get those dates put in my phone’s calendar.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“How long do I have until your birthday? I should probably get something in the works now.”
“You’re going to have to make it spectacular since you fucked up my last birthday.”
“What? How? When was your birthday?”
“It was the day after you reappeared out of nowhere and thought bringing me dinner was enough to make up for your radio silence.”
“That was . . . your birthday is on Halloween?” When Sandi nodded, I smiled and said, “That’s great! Not that I fucked your birthday up, but that it’s on such a major holiday, so I won’t ever be able to forget it again.”
“With that being said, I guess I should find out the date of yours.”
“The Fourth of July.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No, ma’am. When I was a kid, I thought that the fireworks were for my birthday.”
“That’s cute.” Sandi laughed softly before she said, “I can’t imagine what you were like as a child.”
“Believe me, it’s nothing like you probably think it was.”
“Wild, impetuous, always with a skinned knee and a pocket full of rocks and other treasures.”
“No. My parents were very conscious of what they wanted me and my brother to become, so we didn’t get to do all the fun stuff like most kids do.”
“That sucks.”
“It caused us to rebel and go into law enforcement rather than follow the plan they had mapped out, so we were eventually rebels, just not when we were really young.”
“You were a rebel?” Sandi asked as the band stopped playing. We stilled, and she started to pull away, but I held her close as I waited for the next song to start. When a slow jazz song came through the speakers, I started moving again and Sandi swayed along with me. “You’re still a rebel.”
“I’m an upstanding citizen.” The fact that I said that with a straight face was enough to make me very proud of myself, but I smiled when Sandi laughed.
“You’re a rebel in every way.”
“Give me a for instance,” I teased.
“You’re a bearded biker ex-con with threadbare jeans and boots that have seen better days who has made a home that’s worthy of any magazine spread and helps people but does it in a way that’s shady and under the radar. That’s got rebel written all over it.”
“And who has fallen for an upstanding member of society - a nurse who is sought after for her knowledge and has a stellar reputation and gives him shit at every opportunity.”
“You’ve fallen for me, huh?” Sandi asked before her eyes grew wide and she hurriedly said, “That wasn’t a hint that I want you to say anything wild and crazy or get ultra-romantic or something.”
“Are you afraid I’m going to profess my undying love for you here under these soft twinkly lights, Ratched? That I’ll get down on one knee and slip an engagement ring on your finger with this whole crowd watching and make all the women around get teary-eyed while the men they’re with plot my death because now they’re going to have to work harder on their own declarations and proposals?”
“I . . . um . . . well . . .”
“Don’t worry, Attila. When I finally get the balls to tell you that I’m in love with you, I’m gonna make sure you’re tied to the bed, in a good way and not handcuffed against your will , because I know those words are gonna make you skittish. I don’t want you to run away before I convince you that you’re the one for me and we need to spend the rest of our lives making each other crazy.”
“Holy shit.”
I pushed Sandi gently to put space between us and then spun her around a few times before I pulled her close again and buried my face in her neck so I could mumble in her ear, “But, just so you know, I’m planning to do all of that very soon.”
Sandi laughed softly, and I could tell that she was stunned. After a few seconds of silence, she surprised me when she said, “And when you do it, I’ll probably say it right back.”
◆◆◆
I loved my house, and I loved New Orleans. What I didn’t love was all the damn tourists. Sometime last year, I watched an old movie that I’d seen a hundred times and a comment that one of the side characters said near the end really struck me as funny.
At the end of The Lost Boys , after they trash the house while killing most of the vampires, the cranky old grandpa comes in to save the day and stakes the main vampire, which causes a tremendous explosion. Everyone in the house is stunned speechless, but the old guy goes and gets one of his drinks from that special drawer in the refrigerator and says something about the one thing in town he could never stomach was all the damn vampires.
I felt that. If I had to list out the things I didn’t like about New Orleans, how badly the tourists irritated me would be at the top of the list. They took up all the parking, expected special service from restaurants, got drunk on vacation and started bar fights, and were too busy taking pictures and looking at their damn phones to walk in a straight line and maintain a decent pace.
And, of course, where there were tourists, there were grifters, pickpockets, and thieves. That just added another layer to the shit sandwich you had to eat to live in this area, but I still loved New Orleans and the home I’d built here and considered it one of my favorite places.
Even close to midnight, there were tourists everywhere, and I was maneuvering Sandi through the throng of them while my friend Fish escorted Abigail behind us. Because of the life I’d led and how long I’d lived in New Orleans, I instinctively paid close attention to the people around us and the people walking toward us. There was the added threat of Abigail’s precarious situation and the thought that whoever her soon to be ex-husband had hired to find her.
So, when a man started walking on my left side, slowly but surely herding us away from the curb toward the buildings, I knew exactly what he was doing. When he stumbled and bumped into Sandi, pushing her into me so hard that I had to grab on to her shoulders to hold her upright, we ended up at the mouth of a dark alleyway where one of his cohorts was waiting.
Sandi seemed oblivious to what was happening. I heard Abigail’s shout from a few feet behind us when the man who had bumped Sandi slammed both of his hands on my back and shoved me into the alley. Suddenly, Sandi realized what was happening, and I heard her gasp just before she tensed and spun around, probably to look at our mugger - or attacker, if she was thinking of the worst-case scenario.
I didn’t turn around because I knew that there was something bigger and probably much more dangerous lurking in the dark.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Sandi snapped loudly, her anger directed at the man who had bumped her and then pushed me.
“Shut up, bitch,” the man growled before he lifted his hands to push her.
She took a defensive stance and then looked at me in shock when, in a perfectly conversational tone, I said, “If you fucking touch her, I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it.”
“Give me your wallet and your jewelry, and nobody will get hurt tonight,” a man said as he stepped out of the darkest shadows a few feet away.
“I’m not giving you shit, but I can guaran-fucking-tee that you’re gonna get hurt and your buddy over here is gonna leave limping.”
“We should just give . . .”
“Hush,” I ordered Sandi without looking her way. It wasn’t lost on me that Sandi didn’t argue with me for the first time in our relationship. I could tell that was because she was afraid of what was about to happen and was probably cataloging that slight in her brain to yell at me about later. “This is your last chance to run, buddy.”
The man facing me chuckled, secure in the thought that he was the predator and we were the prey. What he didn’t realize was that I wasn’t even the biggest threat in this situation. The man creeping up behind him was, and the man standing near the wall at the edge of the alley behind us was almost as deadly.
Before the assailant could say anything else, there was a loud thump ahead of me, and I heard Sandi scream right before her voice cut off and my friend said, “Got her.”
My hand shot out, and I grabbed the man that had pushed me by the throat before I yanked him toward me and then sidestepped to use his momentum and slam him against the wall. His head made a hollow thump when he hit the bricks. That stunned him so badly that he never even saw my fist coming before I punched him in the face. I did it a few more times before I let him slide down the wall and fall over unconscious. I turned and looked into the darkness and smiled.
“You got that one?” I asked.
“There were two.”
“Well, did you take care of both of them, or do you need fucking help?” I snapped.
“What the fuck do you think?”
“I swear to God if you don’t start speaking English and communicating with me in a way I can understand, I’ll . . .”
“Ajax?” Sandi whispered.
I ignored her and continued before I said, “Fire your ass and then kick your ass and not necessarily in that . . .”
Sandi was suddenly on the move. Before I even realized what she was doing, the man at my feet was unconscious again.
“Holy shit.”
“What else was I supposed to do other than kick him? You were over there running your damn mouth and wouldn’t listen to me. You’re lucky I didn’t kick you instead!”
“D'où vient cette beauté?”
“Je ne sais pas, mais j'en veux un.”
“That’s it. I’m kickin’ the shit out of both of ya!”
“Hi! I’m Sandi, and if you grab me like that again, I’ll lock you in a room with Ajax and let him irritate you until you’re just as nuts as he makes me,” Sandi said as she shot my friend, Maple, a tight smile.
When Roux started to say something, I lifted my finger and pointed at him before I barked, “English!”
“What did he say a minute ago?” Sandi asked.
Maple answered, “My friend asked where Ajax found an untamed beauty like you, and I answered that I didn’t know, but I wanted one.”
Roux laughed and said something else in French, and then Maple laughed too.
“Sandi, these are my . . .” I paused and glared at the two before I said, “ associates. That’s Maple. He’s from Maine. Obviously from whatever part of Maine that produces assholes. The other mental midget over here who neither of us can understand is Roux. He’s from some swamp down here in south Louisiana.”
“Do you know of one that has hungry gators in it?” Sandi asked excitedly.
Roux burst out laughing and answered, “I’ve got gators in my backyard, cher. Do you have someone that needs to be introduced to them?”
“Yes, please,” Sandi said cheerfully.
“The meeting isn’t until the day after tomorrow. What are you guys doing here?” I asked, interrupting Sandi’s search for a body dump site and Roux’s obvious flirting.
“It hasn’t been above twenty degrees in over a month back at home. I needed to come early to thaw out so I could get ready for my next assignment.”
“Well, since I fully intend on killing both of you, that was a useless endeavor.”
Maple burst out laughing and said, “Yeah, but if I’m going to die, at least I’ll be warm while I’m doing it.”
“You’re having a meeting?” Sandi asked. She looked from Maple to Roux and then back to me before she asked, “And they work for you?”
“I told you I had some friends coming over.”
“I thought . . . I don’t know what I thought, but I didn’t think anyone would come all the way from Maine.”
“I’ve got friends all over the place, Ratched. I’m not the only Nomad by any means, and I’ve got several working for me, some part-time and others permanently.” I grabbed her hand before I yanked her close and turned to walk away. Over my shoulder, I called out, “Take care of the trash, and meet us at my place.”
“What about that man? Those men? Shouldn’t we call the cops?” Sandi asked.
“The boys will take care of it.”
“But not the boys in blue?”
“No sense in bringing them into it. My guys know how to get rid of trash better than just about anyone.”