All That I Want (The Hesitant Husbands #2)

Chapter 18

Twenty-four hours later, Lainey sat fuming on the sofa, barely registering the buzz of after dinner conversation going on around her. Gavin had been conspicuously absent all day and evening. He’d pulled further away from her ever since their liaison in the summer house. She hadn’t expected an offer of marriage—he’d made it pretty clear that was not going to happen—but she also hadn’t expected him to distance himself so thoroughly.

Lainey tried not to slump in her seat. There was an ache in her chest that threatened to consume her. She’d hoped the one night with Gavin would get him out of her system once and for all so that she could move on and make a choice, but her plan had backfired miserably. She wanted him more than ever. Now that she had tasted such passion with him, how could she settle for something mediocre with someone else?

But at least there were others who wanted her, made her feel like she was someone special. After so many years of self-doubt, it was nice to be desired. She saw the truth now of what Gavin had told her; the men here were genuinely interested in her. She felt sure the viscount was going to make an offer, and though she hadn’t intended to marry a peer, she was quite certain they would suit and that he would not meddle in her business affairs. In fact, she expected he would support her whole-heartedly. Plus, he had a daughter who needed a mother, and Lainey was definitely looking forward to filling that role. Excitement pinged her heart at the thought of adding her own children to the family.

A movement out in the darkened hall caught her eye. Gavin had returned from wherever he had been all day and was trying to make an escape up the stairs without being seen. Well. Lainey had had just about enough of that. She told Elizabeth she was going up to get her shawl and strode purposely from the room.

Gavin knew he was a coward. He’d managed to successfully avoid Lainey all day and had gone to dine with his family that night. His ill-timed return had him skulking in the hall, trying not to be seen as he snuck past the drawing room door. He’d almost gotten away with it, until he made the fatal mistake of stopping at the top of the stairs to play with the cat. A rustle of silk alerted him to Lainey’s presence. He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.

“You have been difficult to find today, Gavin,” she drawled softly behind him, an unspoken accusation in her voice.

He grimaced. “This is your fault,” he whispered to Bingley before standing. “Hello, Lainey.”

“Hello to you, too.”

Silence fell awkwardly between them, during which Gavin pictured her as she was the other night, her nightgown pooled around her hips, passion clouding her eyes, her hair tumbling about her shoulders. What he wouldn’t do to see that again. “Was there something you wanted?” His voice was brusque, distant.

Lainey opened her mouth, affronted by his tone, but no words come out. She worked her jaw a few times before she finally said, “No. I just…you’ve been avoiding me all day.”

“I’ve been busy, that’s all.”

“Really? And here I thought you were just being a bounder.” Lainey folded her arms across her chest. “What is the matter with you? Last night was—”

“A mistake.”

Lainey was stunned into momentary silence. Hurt flooded her face and Gavin knew he’d gone too far. “A…mistake?”

“Yes. No. I mean—argh.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I mean, we shouldn’t have complicated things between us like that.”

“I see,” Lainey said slowly, her expression saying she didn’t understand at all. She stared stonily at him. “Had I known it was going to mean so little to you, I would have spared myself the humiliation.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what, exactly, did you mean?”

“We can’t discuss this here.” He glanced up and down the hallway to make sure it was empty, and grabbed her arm to steer her into the nearest room. He shut the door firmly behind him, facing the fiery ball of anger that was Lainey. He jammed his hands on his hips, which seemed to release a pent-up breath that went whistling through his lips. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like it meant nothing. I was trying to make this easy for you.”

“Make what easy?”

“I wanted to stay out of the way so you didn’t feel awkward.”

“Awkward?” Lainey’s brows shot up. “I don’t feel awkward, Gavin. I feel used.”

“What? No.” Gavin shook his head. “That was not my intent. I was trying to be sensitive to—”

“Sensitive? You think ignoring me for a whole day after what we shared is being sensitive?”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“I do not know what has gotten into you! You have been cranky and out of sorts this entire week. You glare at every man who gets near me despite the fact that you brought them here to meet me. It’s almost as if you don’t want me to find a husband.”

That arrow hit its mark. He moved past her, one hand rubbing his neck as he strode over to the window, staring sightlessly out at the gardens.

“Is that it, Gavin?” Lainey asked softly. “You don’t want to marry me, but you don’t want me to marry anyone else, either?” A gossamer thread of silence stretched between them, suddenly broken by Lainey’s snort. “You are unbelievable, Gavin Mayfield.”

Gavin whirled around. “I think you are blowing this out of proportion.”

“Oh, am I? I don’t think so. I think I’ve just been an utter fool all these years.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, I’ve spent years of my life pining away for you when you don’t give a fig about me.”

“That is not true. I care deeply for you.”

“No, you care about yourself. Your best friend has gone and gotten married and left you behind, so now you want me to take his place and stay with you. Well, I deserve a life too, Gavin.”

“Of course you do! I want your utter happiness! That is exactly why I can’t marry you!”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Lainey shouted. “You claim our lifelong friendship whenever it is convenient for you, yet you can’t bring yourself to trust me with the truth! You have been constantly alluding to some mysterious reason we can’t be married, and I’m sick of it. What is it, Gavin? Why are you so hell bent on avoiding marriage?”

“Because I am afraid!” he roared. He covered his face with his hands at Lainey’s shocked expression, muffling a groan. That was probably the last thing he’d wanted to admit out loud. Hell, he’d never even admitted it to himself. Devil take it, this woman drove him mad.

“Afraid of what?” Lainey asked, exasperated. “Of spending your life with the same woman?”

“No,” he ground out. “Of carrying on the family tradition.”

“What?”

Gavin sighed. It was time to open Pandora’s box. “Garrett was not the only violent man in our family,” he said in a rush. “It is somewhat of a family trait.”

Lainey wrinkled her brow and waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, she surprised him by saying, “I’d heard rumors…I didn’t really think they were true.”

“Unfortunately, they are. I did my best to keep you—and society— from the worst of it.” He sighed. “My family tree is littered with worthless garbage. My uncle was a brute and repeatedly beat my aunt and anyone who defied him, including me on a few occasions. You may recall the summer I broke my arm? I didn’t do it falling off a horse like I told you. It was broken for me because I was disobedient.”

“Oh, Gavin,” Lainey breathed.

“My father’s grandfather abused his wife,” he continued. “Several cousins followed the same path. One particular shining star of the family produced many offspring by forcing himself on the young maids who worked for him. Fortunately. my father was one of the male line spared this loathsome affliction, so when Garrett started showing signs of this kind of behavior, we thought…well, we thought we could change him. Thought it must have to do with how he was raised, and hoped a loving home would be the answer. But as you know, it didn’t make a damn bit of difference,” he said bitterly. He paused, lost in the horrifying memories he’d kept buried for so long. “I still struggle with guilt. Garrett was my twin. We had a connection that I don’t think other siblings have. Maybe I should have treated him better. I just thought he was misbehaving because he wanted attention. He was always sick or weak or left behind, and despite our trying to make sure he knew he was loved, he just got worse and worse. But I keep thinking that if I had just paid more attention to him, maybe tried to be a better brother—”

“Gavin. You were a child. You could not possibly know what he would grow up to be. I certainly didn’t. You were busy being a young boy, enjoying what life had to offer. You were a good brother to him, perhaps even in times when he didn’t deserve it. You and your family did everything you could for him. It is no one’s fault that he made the choice to get involved with villains and thieves…but what does this have to do with avoiding marriage?”

Gavin turned back toward the window, unable to look at her. “What if I develop this violent streak that is so prevalent in my family? I would never be able to live with myself if I ever hurt you.”

The air in the room went still, and a long, heavy silence enveloped them like a thick, dank fog settling in at the docks. Gavin slowly forced himself to face Lainey. She did not appear sympathetic. In fact, she looked very much like she wanted to murder him.

“Gavin Mayfield, do you mean to tell me you broke my heart because you are afraid of turning out like your brother?” she snapped. “You are twenty-eight years old. If you were going to have a violent streak, don’t you think you would have developed it by now?”

He spread his hands in supplication. “I don’t really know.”

Lainey stared at him, incredulous. “You bloody arse!” she exploded, advancing on him. “You are nothing like your brother and you never will be. For God’s sake! How could you ever think you’d inherited this awful family trait?”

“I don’t want children,” he ground out.

That stopped her. The color drained from her face. “What?”

“I will not have children, Lainey. I cannot risk passing this horrifying attribute on to my sons. You want nothing more than to be a mother. How could I take that away from you?”

There was an awful silence as Lainey took in this admission, slack jawed. She stared hard at him, and a pang of guilt zinged through him. He’d never seen her look so…betrayed.

“That is why you rejected me?”

Her voice sounded small, and it crushed Gavin’s heart. “That is the biggest reason, yes.”

“Not because you didn’t want me, but because you thought you knew what I wanted?”

Gavin started to squirm. He’d thought Lainey would understand once she knew he refused to have children, but she didn’t appear as though she was feeling charitable. “I thought I was protecting you. I still am protecting you. Marrying me would be a risk for any woman, and I’ll not ask you to undertake it.”

She was silent, a myriad of emotions marching across her face, none of which Gavin could accurately discern. “I see.”

He hated it when she said that, because clearly it meant she didn’t. “You would resent me eventually, Lainey. I see the way you look at other people’s children. The longing is palpable. I would not rob you of being a mother.”

“That was not your decision alone to make, Gavin,” she said quietly. “If you had just been honest with me…” She shook her head and reached for the door. “I need to get back to the party.”

“Lainey…”

She turned, hand on the knob, waiting.

“I…I’m sorry. I wish things could be different.”

She glared at him, her lips set in an angry line. She raised a brow. “Do you?”

She stared at him a moment before yanking the door open and sailing through. The door clicked closed behind her, a fitting metaphor to the current status of their relationship.

Lainey leaned against the pillar at the top of the stairs, debating whether or not she should throw herself down them. All this time…all those years she had spent thinking she wasn’t good enough, that she needed to be more perfect to be attractive, that it was her fault that Gavin didn’t want her, when it was really his misguided sense of protectiveness that prevented him from offering for her. Had he never stopped to consider that he might only have girls, who didn’t seem to be cursed with this violent streak? Or that she might be willing to adopt? Or that she might even be barren? Obviously, he hadn’t. No, he had just made the decision without so much as an explanation, leaving her to question her self-worth.

As angry as she was, she did understand his fear, irrational though it may be. Garrett had been a terror, and it had nearly torn their family apart. Gavin had been through hell, and it must have been a constant weight on his chest trying to keep the family’s secret. But how he could believe he could become a violent man was beyond Lainey. He melted every time he laid eyes on Bingley, for heaven’s sake. What violent man turns into a marshmallow when a kitten enters the room? She had never seen him be anything but gentle.

But Lainey had known Gavin for most of her life, and she knew he would not be convinced. If he were ever going to change his mind, he had to come to that conclusion on his own. To force him into it would only make them both miserable, and Lainey was tired of waiting. She could love someone else. She could. She would. Gavin Mayfield was not the only attractive, single man in England. It was time to let him go.

She took a few more moments to compose herself before heading down the stairs. She didn’t truly feel like returning to her guests, but remaining upstairs would cause gossip, and that was the last thing she needed right now. So, she would paste on a smile and pretend as though her world had not just been shattered.

She had just reached the bottom of the stairs when a figure loomed out of the darkness.

“Ah. Lady Elaine, might I have a word with you?”