Chapter 20
Gavin slammed through the stable door and ordered his horse saddled post haste. The shocked stable boy hurried to obey him, and Gavin was thundering off into the night in record time. He was so blinded by anger and despair that he didn’t even know where he was headed until he’d arrived at Howarth Hall, his family’s estate. He burst in the front door, startling the butler before he even reached for the handle.
“Sir! Back so soon? Is ought amiss?”
“Are my father and Kate still awake?”
“Yes, sir, they are in the drawing room. Shall I alert them you are here?”
“Thank you, I’ll just go on in,” he replied, shrugging out of his coat and handing over his hat and gloves. He strode down the hall and found his parents sitting cozily by the fire that was more for appearance than warmth.
“Gavin! What’s wrong?” His stepmother exclaimed as he burst into the room, alarm coloring her voice. Gavin flung himself down on the settee across from them and let his head drop back, scrubbing his hands over his face. A vise of shame squeezed his lungs so hard he could barely breathe. “I’ve ruined everything. Everything. I am such a bloody idiot.”
George and Kate exchanged worried glances, and George went to the sideboard to pour his son a brandy. He placed it down on the table in front of him and allowed Gavin some time to collect his thoughts. He settled onto the sofa and squeezed his wife’s hand.
“Do you want to tell us what happened?”
Gavin just sat there, staring up at the ceiling, hands lying limply by his sides. He was drowning in anger and embarrassment, with no piece of flotsam in sight for him to grasp. The weight of his guilt pinned his arms to the cushion upon which he sat. How could he have behaved so abominably? To make such a scene in front of everyone at his best friend’s party was unconscionable. If Aidan never spoke to him again, he would not blame him. He’d lost Lainey, of that he was sure. She would never forgive him for this, nor should she. He’d been a proper arse.
“Son?”
Gavin drew in a breath and raised his head to look at his father and stepmother. They wore matching, concerned expressions. He wanted so much to confide in them, but was unsure of where to start, and, quite frankly, afraid of their censure. He was absolutely disgusted with himself. The hurt in Lainey’s eyes when she had left the room tonight would haunt him for the rest of his days. He’d known he was going to lose her the moment he’d taken her in his arms that fateful night, but he’d made love to her anyway. But Aidan…Aidan had looked at him with utter contempt. Aidan. The man he considered his true brother, the one who had been by his side through every awful moment Garrett had put his family through and had never once judged Gavin for a single decision he’d made, the man who had given Gavin a career and a partnership, securing his financial future. Gavin owed him everything, and had completely broken Aidan’s trust. Gavin’s throat tightened, his eyes burning. Good God, he was going to cry.
“I’ve done something terrible,” he forced out.
His father shot an alarmed look at Kate. “Is everyone well, son? Has there been an accident?”
Gavin could only shake his head. He belatedly realized how those words could frighten his father, but he couldn’t find his voice through the ache in his throat. A tear fell to his cheek, followed closely by a second and third. George sent a questioning glance to Kate, who moved to sit beside Gavin, draping a comforting arm around her stepson.
“What is it, darling? What has you so upset?”
Gavin wiped the tears from his face and reached for the brandy. It tasted like the Thames. He swallowed painfully and sighed.
“I’ve gone and fallen in love with Lainey,” he admitted. How strange to say that out loud to another person. “I’ve fallen in love with her, and she’s going to marry someone else. And tonight, I humiliated her in front of everyone by giving Devereaux a face full of my fist for kissing her. I lost my temper and beat him like a schoolboy. Bloodied his nose, for Christ’s sake. And now she doesn’t ever want to see me again, and honestly, I’m not sure Aidan does, either. I’ve broken his trust. I am a terrible friend.”
Both his father and Kate blinked at him, trying to absorb the torrent of information that has just been regurgitated. Kate was the first to recover.
“Lainey doesn’t ever want to see you again because you punched someone in her defense? That seems a bit extreme.”
“No, it’s not just that. I…it’s complicated,” Gavin finished, unable to admit the entire truth.
“I should think Aidan would be thanking you for protecting his sister,” George observed.
“That’s just it. I didn’t.” He stared miserably at the floor, tears threatening once again. God, he’d been blind and selfish.
The clock ticked off a few seconds in the ensuing silence, during which Kate put the puzzle pieces together.
“Gavin, has something happened between you and Lainey?” she asked quietly. He nodded mutely.
“Son, exactly how far has this thing between you and Lainey gone?”
Gavin’s face flushed a deep red as he met his father’s eyes. “Exactly far enough to make Aidan expect me to marry his sister.”
“Oh, Gavin, you didn’t!” Kate exclaimed. Her disappointment in him was palpable.
“I’m missing something here,” George put in. “You love her, and you’ll offer for her, so what is the problem? You are not the only man in England who anticipated his wedding vows. Surely Aidan must realize that, even if it is his sister.”
“Except that I refused to marry her.”
“What?” Kate gasped.
“Gavin, I didn’t raise you to be that sort of man,” his father snapped.
“I know. I didn’t intend…that is, I never meant to…she…” Gavin gave up trying to explain and let his head fall into his hands. “I’ve ruined everything,” he said to the carpet. “And I don’t know if I can ever fix it.”
“You’d better stop sniveling and tell us what this is all about, young man,” his father barked. “We can’t help you unless we know the whole story, and clearly, we haven’t heard it yet. So start talking.”
Gavin stared at the floor a moment longer, collecting his thoughts into something that would make sense. With a sigh, he raised his head and began to speak.
Words poured out of him in a tidal wave, everything he had kept bottled inside for years. He went all the way back to the night Lainey had suggested they marry and he refused her, how their friendship had altered because of it, and how badly he had hurt her then. He admitted to agreeing to help with this asinine search for a husband because he thought it would help absolve him of guilt for breaking her heart, but instead it had backfired on him. He explained about the night in Aidan’s study, and how he’d just wanted to show her that she was not undesirable, but it had only served to stir up his feelings for her that he’d kept so ruthlessly suppressed. How he had naively thought that he could walk away and turn his back while she married someone else, and how every moment of watching her with other men brought his biggest fear to the forefront because he wanted to throttle all of them, until his control had finally snapped and that’s exactly what he had done. He told them of the awful scene in Aidan’s study, and the damning words that had been said. And when he finally ran out of words, a long, peaceful quiet fell around them. George finally spoke.
“If you love her, and she loves you, why don’t you want to marry Lainey?”
Gavin looked miserably at this father. “Lainey wants to be a mother more than anything in the world, and I…I don’t want to have children.”
There was a moment of stunned silence, during which understanding registered on George Mayfield’s face. “You are concerned about our family history.” Gavin glanced away. “My boy, I don’t think that should preclude you from having a happy marriage.”
“It wouldn’t be happy, that’s the problem. Lainey wants children more than anything. She would grow to resent me in time, and I couldn’t bear that.”
“You don’t know that,” Kate insisted. “Love can overcome a great many things.”
“Or it can tear you apart. Look at what happened to Aidan’s parents.”
“That was grief, son. That’s a very different thing. Aidan’s father, God rest his soul, was not the type to bear loss easily. I barely made it through losing your mother…but Kate found me and put me back together.”
“I rather think it was the other way around,” she replied, lacing her hand with his. She turned to Gavin. “Sweetheart, have you told her any of this?”
Gavin shifted uncomfortably. “We quarreled about it earlier tonight. And then everything really went to hell.”
“I wish that you had told me of your fears long ago, son,” his father said quietly. “You must know, you are not your brother. I am sad that you could ever think you were.”
“Why wouldn’t I? We were twins. We share blood. Why could I not share that trait as well?”
George gave a sad shake of his head. “You never had it in you. Your memories are colored through a different lens, son. You were a child. You don’t remember the early years.” George sighed and took a swallow of brandy. “Garrett was different from the very beginning. Yes, his weakened condition made things worse, but even as a toddler, he was a brute. Smashed all of his toys, bit his nurse, threw violent temper tantrums. We tried everything we could think of to stem his behavior, but none of it worked. We even tried doctors, but they had nothing to offer us. It became clear as he grew older that he was going to remain a problem, but your mother and I foolishly thought that we could control him, that perhaps we could “love” him out if it.” A forlorn smile touched hips lips. “No one wants to admit one’s child is not like all the others. Sometimes, a parent can be blind to these things. It is difficult to come to terms with what feels like a failure on your part.”
“You didn’t fail with him, Father.”
“I know that. But we did fail to protect others. We should have had him committed, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. Despite what he was, we still loved our son.”
“But this is exactly what I’m talking about. I cannot bear to go through what you and Mother did, and I would sooner rot in hell than subject Lainey to a life of misery and pain. What if our children are like that? I do not want to be responsible for bringing another monster into this world.”
“You don’t have to. But I will tell you that your mother and I tried for more children after you, even with Garrett being the handful that he was. It just wasn’t meant to be for us. Yes, we were scared, but you had turned out well, and we thought it was worth the risk. Granted, as he became a young child, we knew we were in for a rough road and it was probably for the best that we never had any more children because we had to focus so much attention on him, but that didn’t stop us from wanting more children to love.”
“Truly? Even with all that Garrett put you through?”
“Even then.”
“But…Mother died because of him. How can you encourage me to marry anyone?”
“Son, your mother had a weak constitution. We hid that fact from you boys as much as we could. She was never a healthy woman; it was why she couldn’t carry more children. Her heart was not strong, and as I told you, grief is suffocating, and it comes in many forms. When she heard that Garrett had killed that man in cold blood, her distress overtook her. She simply lost the will to live when she took ill that year. But we have no way of knowing if she would have survived had she been happy, either. Fact is, she was sick, and sometimes even previously healthy people don’t survive.”
“But I saw her crying over his picture every day. He broke her spirit.”
“You are right about that. But I am still here. And so is Lainey. She didn’t desert you during any of the hardships you faced, did she?”
Gavin conceded that she hadn’t. “I’ve kept a lot of our family history from her.”
“But she knows now. What was her reaction?”
Gavin smiled ruefully. “She called me a bloody arse.”
His father guffawed. “I’d have to agree with her in this case.”
Gavin let his father’s words sink in, little grains of sand sifting through the cracks in his soul that began to make a complete picture. “I’ve been so angry this week. Every time I see one of these men kiss Lainey’s hand or watch her with a lustful eye, I want to pound them into the dirt. Christ, I nearly tore Devereaux’s head off just for kissing her. I didn’t even think about what I was seeing, I just flew into a rage.”
“Sweetheart, jealousy is different than anger.”
He looked at Kate. “How so? I still wanted to break something. Preferably his nose.”
“It’s true jealously drives us to quick-tempered reactions. I don’t condone hitting another human being, but I also don’t think you wanted to do him serious harm.”
“Oh, but I did. I’ve never wanted to beat a man so badly.”
“And why was that?”
“Because I thought Lainey was being assaulted.”
“So, you were protecting her.”
“Of course! I will always protect her.”
Kate smiled at her stepson. “Did you even hear what you just said?” She gave his shoulder a squeeze. “You would never physically hurt her. You want to keep her safe. Those are not the words of a violent man.”
Gavin stared at her, dumfounded. She patted his knee. “Do you remember the day we met?”
“Of course I do. It’s burned into my memory forever.”
“And when we met, was I afraid of you?”
Gavin thought back to the horrifying scene he’d stumbled upon nearly nine years ago now. Kate had been Garrett’s captive and was near death, but she’d witnessed the scene between him and his brother. Aside from being near delirious, she’d never been afraid. He shot her a curious look, and she smiled.
“I put my trust in you immediately, didn’t I.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“Yes…you did.”
“I like to think myself a pretty good judge of character. I was terrified of your brother from the moment he broke into our house, and all the days that followed. But you…I recognized the good in you right away. Gavin, you are no more like you brother than your father is. Garrett would not have let Devereaux go. Garrett would have beaten him senseless, and probably would have hurt Lainey as well when she tried to interfere. You…came here. To confess that you are in love.”
“But…” Gavin swung his gaze to his father, at a loss for words.
George leaned forward. “You, my boy, have filled your life with light and love. We all get angry, and do stupid things we regret. You are a human being, after all. Don’t let fear be your guide. Trust yourself.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“You will learn. And Lainey will help you.”
“Lainey is never going to speak to me again.”
“Don’t be so sure about that, sweetheart. Love is strong, and a woman’s heart is full of it. Even when you behave like a bloody arse.” Gavin’s eyes widened in shock. He’d never heard Kate swear before. She grinned. “You have some groveling to do, but don’t count her out just yet.”
George stood, taking his brandy with him. “It’s late, and I think you should stay here tonight while things settle down. You have a lot to consider. Go back in the morning when you’ve had some time to think. Talk to them.”
“I don’t think they are going to want to talk to me. Aidan is ready to separate me from my head.”
“You boys have always been like brothers. I was never so grateful when we moved here to escape society and you befriended the Lockwoods. They gave you the love and camaraderie you should have had with Garrett. Aidan feels betrayed, and we say things we don’t mean when we are hurt. You’ll work it out.”
“But Lainey…I’ve failed her twice now. She won’t forgive me.”
“She will in time,” Kate said, covering his hand with hers. “But you need to decide what it is you want before you talk to her. You cannot toy with her heart any longer. Either marry her, or let her go and be happy for her. Things have changed irrevocably between you, but time will help heal the wounds. Believe me, I know.” She squeezed his hand before rising to join her husband. She bent to bestow a kiss upon his head. “Good night, my dear. Try to get some rest. You have a daunting task before you tomorrow.”
They left him sitting alone by the fire, staring into the dying flames. He picked up his brandy snifter and reclined on the sofa, swirling the alcohol and watching the color play in his glass. Firelight turned the liquid to a rich, reddish amber hue. He continued to shift the snifter in lazy circles, his thoughts chasing the liquid around the glass.
He felt absolutely wretched. He’d treated Lainey poorly, betrayed Aidan’s trust, and embarrassed himself by punching a guest in Aidan’s home. His pride certainly didn’t want him to go back to Rosecroft tomorrow. His pride wanted him to turn tail and run. But his friends did not deserve that, and it would solve nothing. He had a business reputation to uphold with many of the guests, and he had behaved abominably. He owed every single person an apology—starting with Devereaux.
Aidan would be a tougher sell, but Gavin believed deep in his heart that they could repair the damage. It would take time, but Aidan would learn to trust him again. There would certainly be gossip in town—he didn’t for one second believe that every guest there would be circumspect and not tell of his astonishing behavior, but hopefully they would spin it so that he looked less like an idiot and more like a man who was protecting someone he loved. He’d survived scandal before, and he could do it again. With Lainey safely married, her reputation would remain intact with no one the wiser.
The question was, who was she going to marry?
Gavin’s heart told him how he wanted to answer that question, but his head overruled him. Despite what his father and Kate had told him, he was still uneasy. He’d lived with this fear his entire life; he could not let it go in one evening. But the thought of walking away from a life with Lainey burned like acid in his gut. He didn’t just physically desire her; he wanted the completeness he felt when he was with her. She’d given him her love so freely, even though she’d known Garrett, and he’d not believed in it.
She was right. He was a bloody arse.
He took a swallow of brandy, surprised that it no longer tasted like sewage. A plan formed as he sipped at the rest of it. It may not work, but he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try.
There was an express train to London early in the morning, and he had to be on it.