Chapter 21
The next morning, Charles Devereaux approached Lainey and asked if she would care to take a turn about the garden. They walked in silence for a bit, then Devereaux drew them to a stop.
“Lady Elaine, I have to apologize for my appalling behavior last night. I have no idea what came over me. I just had this silly notion in my head…”
“Mr. Devereaux.” Lainey squeezed his forearm. “May I call you Charles? I think once you’ve shared a kiss, you can no longer say you are not friends.”
He blushed and gave her a genuine smile. “I’d be honored if you’d consider me so.”
“And you must, in return, call me Lainey. I have been Lady Elaine’d to death this week, and I truly abhor my name!”
“I think it rather pretty, but far be it from me to argue. Very well then…Lainey.”
She grinned. “Much better. Now that that is settled, I hope you believe me when I say I hold no ill will toward you.”
“Truly?”
“Truly. Have we not all done reckless things once in awhile?” She tugged him forward on the path. “Yes, Charles, even me.”
He chuckled. “I am very grateful you are so understanding. I would hate to think I ruined your good opinion of me.”
“You have not.”
“However, I am deeply sorry I caused you such embarrassment. That I cannot forgive myself for.”
“I believe the embarrassment was entirely caused by Mr. Mayfield. I do hope he will be apologizing to you later. I am sorry about your black eye. How is your nose feeling?”
“Tender, but doesn’t appear to be broken. Lady E—Lainey. Although I made a hash of things, I was sincere in my proposal. Have you given it any thought?”
“I have.” Lainey drew them over to a bench and sat, pulling him down next to her. “I am deeply honored by your offer, but I’m afraid I can’t accept.”
Charles nodded glumly. “Mayfield wins after all, eh?”
“Actually, no. I’ve accepted an offer from Viscount Kingston.”
Devereaux’s eyebrows shot up. “Kingston? But he’s…rather older than you.”
Lainey nodded. “I am well aware. But he is a good man. As are you, which is why I cannot marry you.” She laid her hand on his sleeve. “Charles, you have a lot to offer a woman. You are handsome, and charming, and tender-hearted. You have financial security, an amiable nature, and I think you will be a wonderful father someday. Honestly, it rather pains me to turn you down!” Lainey laughed. “But I would be doing you a disservice by marrying you. You deserve someone who will love you with their whole heart, and sadly, I cannot.”
“I see.” He patted her hand. “I thank you for your honesty. But…does Kingston know your heart lies elsewhere?”
“He does, and that is acceptable to him. He’s had one great love. Now he just wants someone to grow old with, who may love him in a different way.”
They fell into companionable silence while Charles mulled over her answer. Finally, he asked, “And what of you, Lainey? Do you not deserve to be loved wildly as well?”
Lainey tried to ignore the stab of pain in her heart. “I do. But I’ve altered my life plan. I’m tired of waiting. I want to open that center and make a difference. If that means I settle for a different type of marriage, then so be it. Love comes in many forms. I’m sure Kingston and I will be quite happy together.”
Charles studied her profile, then placed his finger under her chin and turned her face to meet his. “You are an amazing woman, Elaine Lockwood. I am delighted I have gotten to know you this past week.”
Lainey smiled, her insides warming. “And I you, Charles Devereaux. I do hope when you return to London, you will call on me.”
He returned her genuine smile. “With pleasure, my lady. With pleasure.”
The guests had all scattered to their rooms to rest and prepare for the ball later that evening. Lainey, Elizabeth, and Anne sat in Lainey’s room trying to decide how Lainey should dress her hair. They were giggling like schoolgirls as they took turns giving Lainey terrible hair-dos.
“Really, you girls aren’t helping,” Lainey admonished as she looked in the mirror. A giant feather hung out of the side of her head like a sad, droopy chicken.
“Oh, but it’s such fun!” Anne laughed. She hugged Lainey from behind, meeting her eyes in the mirror. “Viscount Kingston? Truly?”
Lainey sighed and turned toward the two closet friends she had in the world. “I think he’s perfect. He supports my endeavors, he’s easy to converse with, has a lovely disposition, and is financially secure. We suit quite well.”
“That’s a rather dry list,” Anne said wryly. “I’d always thought Mr. Mayfield—”
“I do not want to talk about Gavin Mayfield anymore. He has made his choice, and I have made mine.”
“But he loves you, I am sure of it!” Elizabeth exclaimed.
“Whether he does or not makes no difference. He will not marry me, and I wish to marry.”
“I don’t understand why he is so dead set against marriage,” Anne mused.
“Because he’s terrified of turning out like his brother.”
“What? But that’s preposterous!”
“I know that, and you know that, but it’s what he truly believes. And he doesn’t want children. He fears he’s going to pass on that violent streak to them. He knows how much I want to be a mother and said he couldn’t take that away from me.”
Elizabeth stared at her, dumbfounded. “That’s his reasoning for passing on the love of his life? I may throttle him myself.”
“It sounds ridiculous to us, but fear is a strong emotion. There isn’t anything I can do to change his belief. He has to come to that decision himself. And I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“Oh, Lainey,” Anne said, regret tinging her words.
“Do not pity me. I will get over him, just as I did before.”
“Before?”
Lainey looked at the two women and decided it was time to come clean. The whole humiliating story poured out of her, about her declaration and rejection, her hasty failed engagement, and how it all left her feeling unsure of herself. “All these years, I thought it was me, that I was simply undesirable. So, I redoubled my efforts to be the perfect woman, only it turns out no one can be perfect and perfection isn’t all that exciting.”
“I am definitely going to throttle him,” Elizabeth announced.
Lainey giggled. “I appreciate your loyalty, but I’d rather we all just move forward. Mr. Devereaux has shown me the error of my ways and I am betrothed to a man who doesn’t find me boring in the least.”
“Speaking of Mr. Devereaux,” Anne drawled, “What exactly happened last night?”
Two expectant faces waited for her reply. “Well, for heaven’s sake, do I have to tell you everything?”
“Of course!”
Lainey rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror, picking up her brush and stalling with a few strokes of her hair. “If you must know, Mr. Devereaux also proposed. He was a little overzealous in his enthusiasm when he kissed me, and Gavin came upon us when I was struggling to break free. So, Gavin punched him.”
“He kissed you? Heavens, Lainey, your lips have seen their share of—” Elizabeth broke off at Lainey’s quelling glance.
“Wait, Mr. Devereaux proposed as well? Goodness, perhaps I should have a house party!” Anne laughed.
“And you chose Kingston over Devereaux?” Elizabeth said in disbelief. “Lainey, have you lost your mind?”
“Kingston is a perfectly amiable gentleman.”
“But he’s forty if he’s a day!”
“He is thirty-seven, Eliza. Not decrepit yet. I know you are quite taken with Mr. Devereaux, but I thought he deserved more than I could give.”
Elizabeth paused. “You mean your heart. Oh, Lainey, this is just not right.”
Lainey put down her brush. “It is what I am choosing. I will be perfectly happy with Kingston. I like him rather a lot. Now, you two must go get ready for the ball. Gavin has asked me to meet him on the terrace at seven, and I agreed.”
“I can’t believe you are even still speaking to him at this point,” Anne said dryly. “I’d rather like to bludgeon him myself.”
“You will do no such thing,” Lainey scolded. “There’s been enough bloodshed. I can handle him myself. He can say his piece and then take himself off to wherever he is going to go, and I can be done with him.”
The two women exchanged glances behind her and left. Lainey regarded her reflection, the truth of the matter showing in her eyes. She scoffed at herself. “You are a fool if you think you are ever going to be done with Gavin Mayfield.” She scowled. Oh, well. After tonight, she would have a fiancé to focus her love on and a new life ahead, one that did not include a handsome, misguided soul who turned her world on its ear.
Gavin consulted his pocket watch once again. One minute later than the last time he had looked. He’d barely made it back from London in time, but everything was in place. He had not yet spoken with Aidan, but he fervently hoped he would understand. Gavin had absolutely no idea what had occurred in his absence today, but he prayed he was not too late.
A rustle sounded behind him. He turned, and his breath stole from his lungs. Lainey stood before him, hair done in soft curls about her head, twined with hot house roses. The beads on her gown reflected the torch light, the diamonds at her throat winking at him, all making her sparkle like a woodland nymph sprinkled with the stars. The silk of her gown had an iridescent quality to it that changed color from pink to blue every time she moved. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her.
“God, Lainey…” he breathed. “You…you look—”
“Was there a reason you called me out here?”
Ah, so she was still cross. She had every right to be. “I…I wanted to apologize.”
“Save your breath,” she snapped, turning to go into the house.
“Wait! Please, wait.” His heart was pounding so hard he was sure she could hear it. He held his breath, but slowly, she turned to face him, her gaze cool.
“I behaved abominably. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking, and I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to speak to me again.”
“Then we are done here.”
“But—” he said quickly. “Eighteen years. For eighteen years you have been part of my life. I would hope that counts for something in this situation.” She continued to stare at him stonily, her jaw set. But she wasn’t leaving, so Gavin plowed ahead. “Before I say anything else, I must know…are congratulations in order for you and Devereaux?”
“Does that change your apology?”
“Er—no. But it does have some bearing on what I’m about to say.”
Lainey let him squirm a few moments more. “No,” she finally said. “I am not engaged to Mr. Devereaux.”
He nearly fainted with relief. He wasn’t too late. His heart leapt with joy. “That’s—that’s good, because—”
“I’ve accepted Viscount Kingston.”
“You—what?” Gavin’s leaping heart crashed, splatting somewhere near his feet.
“I’ve accepted the Viscount’s offer. It will be announced at the ball.”
“But—” Gavin’s vision swam before him. He’d thought Kingston was going to wait until he could introduce her to Rose. He’d thought with Devereaux out of the way—
“Gavin? Have you more to say?”
Gavin’s mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for breath. He couldn’t feel his fingers, couldn’t find his voice. He had known this was a possibility, but hadn’t allowed himself to believe it.
He’d lost her.
All he had done today was for naught.
And it was no one’s fault but his. He knew he should say something, but he could barely breathe, let alone speak. He was paralyzed by the reality of spending his life without her, watching her with someone else, building a life that would only include him on social occasions, if he was lucky. No more afternoon teas with endless discussions of politics and theater, no more late nights sitting by the fire with her and Aidan, listening to her read or chatting amiably about their day, no more consulting behind Aidan’s back on which silk she thought would sell better. No more early morning gallops through the fields of Rosecroft, when the mist was just burning off and the dew was sparkling on the grass in the rising sun.
No more kisses in the study at night. Or under the stars. Or anywhere. Ever. Someone else would have that privilege now.
The reality of that came crashing down on him, practically forcing him to the ground with its weight. He knew he’d propelled her to this decision. He knew the blame for this mess lay squarely at his feet. He also knew he should be a man and offer congratulations, despite dying a slow death inside. But when he opened his mouth to wish her happy, what came out instead was, “Don’t marry him.”