All That I Want (The Hesitant Husbands #2)

Chapter 22

“Ibeg your pardon?”

She did not sound pleased in the least. Gavin swallowed hard. “I love you, Lainey. I always have. I know it may not seem—”

“You love me?” She spoke so softly he barely heard her.

“Y—yes.” He couldn’t get a read on what she was thinking, but she didn’t exactly look like the news thrilled her. “I have been an utter fool, and I realize that this is a sudden declar—”

“You love me?” That was much louder. And definitely more shrill. Her nostrils flared and fire snapped in her eyes.

“Lainey—”

“No.” She held up her hand. “Just stop talking.”

“But I—”

“Stop it,” she hissed. “Stop it right now. How dare you? You had two years. Two years, Gavin,” she bit out.

“Lainey, I am so sorry. I wanted—”

“Save your apologies, they mean nothing.”

Well, that stung. But he conceded he deserved it. He took in Lainey’s high color and her flashing eyes. Right, then. She was good and furious with him.

“After everything you have put me through, you think you can suddenly decide you love me, and I am going to what, fall at your feet?” A bit of hysterical laughter bubbled out of her. “Oh, this is rich.” She covered her eyes with a hand, still chuckling.

“Lainey, I know I’ve behaved abominably—”

“You are damn right you have,” she snapped. “Your behavior last night was unconscionable. I was mortified. Mortified!”

“Perhaps if you would stop interrupting me, I can explain.”

“I don’t want your explanations, Gavin. You made your choice. You had plenty of opportunities to opt for another path, yet you still chose the one that didn’t include me.”

Pain infused every word she uttered. Gavin wasn’t sure there was going to be a way back from the mess he’d created, but he had to try. “Lainey, I have been a bloody idiot, I know that. I’ve been selfish and callow and I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I’m asking for it. I am begging you to give me another chance.”

“Another chance?” Lainey marched over to Gavin and glared up into his face. “How many chances do you think you should get, Gavin? How many times should I be stupid enough to fall for you? How many times do I let my heart get broken?”

He gripped her shoulders. “I was wrong to—”

She wrenched free from his grasp. “Do not touch me, Gavin. You have lost the right to touch me,” she hissed. “I laid my heart at your feet, and then you rejected me out of hand for some silly notion that you might turn out like your brother. But you didn’t even have the decency to tell me that. You just let me think I was undesirable, a ridiculous young girl who was infatuated with her brother’s best friend.”

“About that—”

“I am not done speaking!” she shouted. Her chest heaved and her eyes were feverish. Gavin wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t about to be slapped. “I was so devastated that I accepted the first offer of marriage that came along simply because it made me feel wanted. Do you have any idea what it’s like to entrust your heart to someone who you are so sure feels the same way as you, only to have that person utterly crush it?”

“I am beginning to understand that, yes,” Gavin said softly.

“I almost married the entirely wrong person for me because of you.” Lainey flung her words at him, jabbing a finger into his chest. “And then that man couldn’t bring himself to marry me, either! I suffered through a scandal thanks to you. I was a social outcast because of you. I felt worthless.” Her voice broke. "Because of you.”

Gavin was fervently wishing she would slap him. Anything was better than seeing tears sparkling on her lashes and knowing that it was his fault they were there.

“Do you know what I gave up for you? Years. Years of my life wasted, waiting for you to change your mind. Oh yes, I was that stupid to believe that you didn’t really mean what you’d said, and that you’d realize that we were perfect for each other. I didn’t stop loving you when you rejected me, oh, no. So, for the past two years, I have choked down my humiliation and pretended that we are just friends, when I have wanted nothing more than to be swept into your arms every time you walked into the room. And when it finally happens, what do you do? You tell me that the most beautiful experience of my life was a mistake.”

Gavin cringed. “That was insensitive of me. I didn’t mean it.”

“And now,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken, poking him again. “Now that you have frittered away the last two years, now that you have been here for a solid week, fighting this so-called attraction, now you have decided all of a sudden that you love me?”

“I didn’t just decide—”

“Now, after you have humiliated me once again, and so publicly, you have the gall to ask me to break my engagement to another man because it is suddenly convenient for you to love me? How dare you, Gavin Mayfield?” she choked out, the tears finally spilling down her cheeks. “How dare you?”

That last question was barely above a whisper and so laced with agony that Gavin’s gut twisted in on itself. He wanted to speak but his tongue was blocking his throat. In fact, he couldn’t seem to move at all except for the shallow rise and fall of his chest.

He was such an arse.

A bloody, bloody arse.

How could he have been such a careless fool with her heart? How could he have not seen the pain he had caused her?

And why, why had he let fear guide him, instead of love?

“Forgive me, Lainey. I thought I was protecting you.”

“I didn’t need your protection, Gavin. Damn you!” she cried, striking his chest with both her fists in tandem. “I just needed your love.” She swiped angrily at the tears on her face. “Damn you,” she whispered, broken.

Her words were a sucker punch. He couldn’t believe how thoroughly he had cocked things up. They stood, staring at each other, the sound of ball preparations drifting out onto the terrace…muffled voices, the clink of silver…the insects in the garden waking up to sing now that darkness had fallen around them.

“Christ, Lainey.” Gavin stood helplessly, watching an invisible door slam shut in his face. “I’m so very sorry.” He searched desperately for something to say that would make the world right again, but he was at a loss. “Tell me what to do. There must be some way I can fix this.”

Lainey shook her head sadly. “I’ve lived with the pain of loving you in my heart, goading myself into believing that someday you would open your eyes and see me standing there, and you would love me back, but you never did,” Lainey said quietly. “Now, it’s too late. It was foolish of me to hope, but I will be a fool no longer.” Lainey squared her shoulders. “I will not break my promise to Kingston, Gavin. I will marry him, as I agreed to do. But don’t worry,” she added. “You’ll get over me soon enough. Perhaps in a couple of years. Good evening, Mr. Mayfield. I wish you well.”

With a swoosh of silk, she melted into the shadows and disappeared into the house. Gavin watched her go, wretchedness enfolding him. What a hash he had made of things. Kate was wrong. Lainey would never forgive him, not this time. Their friendship, as he knew it, was over.

He put a hand on his hip, the other raking through his hair, and blew out a breath, studying the flagstone as if it was going to give him advice on what to do next. With a groan, he spun around, tearing at his hair. What had he done?

He collapsed on the balustrade, leaning heavily on his arms and staring blindly out over the now dark garden. He’d just let the best thing in his life slip through his fingers. A deep, dark pit opened up inside him, swallowing the light. Gavin had yet to speak to Aidan. He was terrified he wouldn’t be able to repair that friendship, either, and then Gavin would be well and truly lost.

A flare in the darkness caught his attention. He turned to find Viscount Kingston lounging against a pillar across the terrace, standing in a pool of light spilling out from the ballroom, cigar smoke curling about him like a lover’s caress. The Viscount strolled over to him and Gavin sighed. Best to get this over with.

“I hear congratulations are in order,” he said with a cheerfulness he did not feel.

“I thank you,” Kingston acknowledged, setting down a snifter of brandy on the balustrade beside Gavin. “I thought you might need this.”

Gavin’s gut tightened and he slid a suspicious gaze to Kingston. “How much of that conversation did you hear?”

Kingston took a puff on his cigar. “Enough to know we must have an honest chat.” He copied Gavin’s position and flicked some ashes into the garden below. “I have watched you and Lady Elaine closely this past week. There is clearly a special bond between the two of you, and I question why you have not offered for her yourself?”

Gavin watched as the man casually took a puff of his cigar and blew the smoke out. “You are nothing if not direct,” he replied drily.

“I see no reason to dance, do you?”

The men fell silent and Gavin reached for the snifter, inhaling the spicy aroma. Aidan must have poured his best to celebrate his sister’s engagement.

“You love her, do you not?”

Gavin let the fine brandy roll down his throat. Admitting to a man you respected that you were in love with his fiancée was rather awkward. “Yes. But I cannot marry her. At least, that is what I thought.”

“And why is that?”

“My family…has a dark past.”

“Ah yes.” Kingsley nodded. “I’ve heard of your brother. Very sad indeed.”

Gavin scoffed. “If it were just my brother, I wouldn’t have been so worried.”

“There were more like him?”

Gavin could scarcely believe he was about to say this out loud. “I think my brother was the worst of the lot, but yes, there were more.” Gavin took a deep breath and gave Kingston a brief history of his family tree, the scandals that had followed the family for generations, and how hard he’d fought to be a respected member of society.

“And what does all this have to do with you not offering for Lady Elaine?”

Gavin stared out over the garden, the memory of the night in the summerhouse assaulting him. He could still feel Lainey’s body beneath his, her dewy skin beckoning him to touch her. His groin tightened at the memory. He’d never shared a night like that with anyone.

Might never again.

“I will not allow my family line to continue. I cannot. There has been too much bloodshed, too much abuse. I will not be part of that. My brother was a horrible person, and given that we were twins, I feared the chance of passing those tendencies on was too great a risk.”

“I see. And Lainey, of course, wants children.”

“She wants to be a mother more than anything. I could not take that from her.”

“And you’ve discussed this with her?”

Gavin shrugged. “More or less.”

“Hmpf,” Kingston snorted. “I suspect less.”

Gavin clenched his jaw. “It’s more than just that.” He went on to describe everything he had confessed to his parents last night about his fears of not being able to control his own temper. The more he spoke, the more weight lifted off of his shoulders, and he realized what a burden this secret had been. “I would never forgive myself if I physically hurt Lainey.”

“You wouldn’t.” Kingsley took another drag on his cigar.

“How can you possibly know that? Christ, did you see what I did to Devereaux last night?”

Kingston puffed out the smoke. “Well, that pup deserved it. I would have pummeled him, too.”

Gavin stared in shock at Kingston. “You…you would?”

“Of course! Any man who forces a kiss on a woman should have his ears boxed. Stupid pup. He needs to stop drinking, only gets him in trouble.” He chuckled at the shock on Gavin’s face. “You’re a good man, Mr. Mayfield. You did what any feeling human being would do, even a peaceful one such as I. And the stakes are always higher when someone you care about is involved. Actually, I’m quite sure Devereaux was lucky it was you who stumbled upon them and not her brother. I fear Ashby may have done much worse.”

Gavin shook his head. “But it felt so…satisfying. I’m ashamed of feeling that way.”

“Look, Mr. Mayfield—”

“Please. Call me Gavin.”

“Very well then. Gavin. Humans are wired to protect. All you did was follow your instincts because Lady Elaine was being threatened. It’s nothing more than any of us would have done. It’s natural to feel embarrassed about losing control. We all like to show our best selves to each other.”

“Funny, my father said much the same thing to me last night.”

“We parents do sometimes know what we are talking about. If only our children would listen,” he chided. Gavin snorted and took another sip of brandy. Kingston straightened. “I have a confession to make.” He leaned a hip against the balustrade. “Madness runs in my family. My father was a stark raving lunatic. I shared your fears once upon a time. Just like you, I was determined not to take a wife lest I subject her to a future of misery, and I was absolutely convinced I would not have children.”

“But you married.”

“I did. Once I met Annabelle, I could no more walk away from her than I could topple an oak with my bare hands. She was the part of me I’d been missing my entire life. But I was bullheaded, like you, and almost lost her when I informed her that I couldn’t marry her. But when she asked me why, I decided to tell her the truth rather than try to hide it. She said that decision wasn’t up to me, that it was ours to make together, and so we married. It was a risk, but one she was willing to take because she loved me. Of course, we never imagined it would be she who left me, but if I hadn’t let her make up her own mind, I’d still be a solitary bachelor living out a bleak existence, waiting to see if I was going to lose my mind or not, and if that was the case, I’d be doing it alone. But Annabelle…she filled my life with light and love, and left me with a beautiful daughter. I’m still terrified I’m going to subject those I love to the madness that my father had, but that is a risk I have to take in order to have a rich life. And that, my friend, far outweighs simply existing.”

Gavin’s throat grew suspiciously tight and he didn’t trust himself to respond. He looked down at the brandy in his hands that had suddenly lost its flavor. He didn’t dare meet Kingston’s eyes. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked hoarsely.

Kingston remained silent for a long while, making a show of stubbing out his cigar on the stone. He sighed heavily. “Lady Elaine is a gracious, intelligent, and strong woman. When she gives her heart, she gives it completely, and she deserves happiness such as Annabelle and I had. I want what’s best for her…but I am not entirely sure that is me.”

Gavin turned to regard the viscount. “What are you getting at, Kingston?”

The man shrugged. “I gathered from your conversation with Lady Elaine that you have changed your mind about marriage, but there is now the impediment of her engagement to someone else in the way.”

Gavin watched Kingston’s face in the darkness, the torches that had been lit in the garden below dancing over his features. “I’m too late.”

“It’s never too late to make things right.” Kingston smiled slowly. “Come walk with me in the garden a bit where no one will overhear our conversation. We have more to discuss, you and I.” He moved off toward the stairs, disappearing into the night until he walked through another circle of light thrown by the torches. He paused and turned back to Gavin, raising a brow, and then vanished out of the light again, leaving Gavin to scramble after him.

An odd feeling bloomed in Gavin’s chest. Something that might be akin to hope.