Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 8

8

Taylor

I watched as Ciaron’s face turned white. I’d read about it in books, but I’d never seen it happen in real life. He paced from one side of the office to the other, pausing, shaking his head and then resuming.

I wanted to go to him and hug him to tell him it would be alright. But I was not that person for him anymore. I remained where I was and watched.

His mother always had this effect on him, even from half a world away. I don’t know how many times she’d asked him to help her or one of his siblings. And he did every single time. It was like he was repenting for leaving them.

He stopped pacing, his shoulders sagging, and retreated to his office.

My chest squeezed. His mother always hinted at him going back home one day. Like he would come to his senses or something. Or like he would fall out of love with me, which is exactly what had happened. That was probably why he hadn’t told her about our separation. There were many times where I wished he’d stick up for himself. I wanted him to tell her to fuck off because he’d never get the type of love from her that he should. Mum embraced him and gave him that love time and again, something his own mother could never do.

Mum and I stared at his empty doorway.

“Come on, let’s go for a drive,” Mum said.

Mum and I sat beside each other as we drove around the farm and spoke about the different horses. We stopped outside of Dior’s paddock. She would be going back out into a share paddock soon with other dry mares.

“What did the vet find?” Mum asked.

“It was umbilical torsion. The umbilical cord was long, and it twisted around the foetus, cutting off its oxygen.”

Mum got out of the car and went to the fence, calling Dior. I followed. Dior trotted over for a pat. I smiled. She must be missing the company of other horses. Usually, she didn’t care about humans unless they had food.

Mum stroked her nose. “Ciaron is right. He’s not like your father.”

“I suppose.”

Mum’s jaw hardened. “He’s always there to support you and the children. Your father wouldn’t have helped you with your schoolwork or done half the things Ciaron does.”

“Yeah,” I murmured. My father had left in my early years of high school. He’d never asked how school was going. He’d barely asked how I was going. And yet I’d let him in my head. Let the memory of him saying to Ciaron that we wouldn’t last haunt my thoughts.

Mum continued, “Ciaron helps out around the farm and the house without question.”

She didn’t need to add ‘unlike your father’.

Mum rubbed Dior’s cheek. “Why did he move out?”

“That’s the million-dollar question.”

Mum faced me and raised her eyebrows.

I huffed. “Fine. It’s probably the hundred-dollar question.”

Mum nodded, urging me to go on.

“He tried to tell me he wasn’t happy, and he needed me to be more present, but I didn’t listen.”

That was the first time I’d admitted it to myself, let alone out loud. There were a million other reasons, but that was the crux of it.

Mum was watching me, expecting more.

“I’ve been so busy with the farm I didn’t have time to listen.”

Mum’s chest expanded and deflated as if she were reining in her disappointment, because, really, that was no excuse. It was in the hard times that we should have been listening closer to each other.

I scanned the paddocks in front of us. They had been brown for over a year now. I hardly noticed the desolation anymore. The sky changed from a muted blue to grey some days. But not the sort of grey that brought rain. I’d given up on looking for rain clouds on the horizon. Even if it did rain, just once, it wouldn’t mean the end of the drought. We’d need normal, consistent rain for that. And then would come the recovery; years of it. “The drought is so draining. What if it lasts another year and we can’t keep going?”

“Have you discussed it with Ciaron? Set up an exit strategy?”

I huffed. “No. I cut him off when he wanted to.”

There went her expanded chest again. This was going to be a conversation about disappointments, it seemed. “How do you think that made him feel?”

“Like I didn’t value him or us.”

That must have hurt him. How selfish could one person be? Oh, there was plenty more where that came from. I was the queen of selfish.

“I don’t want to lose the farm, Mum. It’s been in our family for generations.”

Mum nodded. “Farming is tougher now than it ever was. Droughts, floods, mouse plagues, more often and longer. I know you love it here, but it’s better to lose the farm than your family.” Mum rubbed my arm. “Do you still love him?”

“Yes.” There was no doubt in my mind. “But I’m not sure he loves me anymore.”

She shook her head. Disappointment. Again. “The pain in his whole being tells me he does. I’ve never seen a man love someone as much as he loves you.”

“I love him that much. And more. I just forgot because it was as natural as breathing.”

I missed him and the children so much. I may as well have lived on a different farm for the amount of time I spent with them. What was the point of it all if I didn’t have them?

She smiled. “Well, now that you’ve pulled your head out of your arse, best you fight for him.”

“I don’t even know where to start. He doesn’t even call me his wife. This morning, he called me his partner.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. He’s still wearing his wedding ring. That must mean something.”

It was the same problem I’d faced for weeks, months. How to fix something I’d broken that could be beyond repair. It’s not like a wound on a horse that could be stitched up. Repairing relationships was much more complicated. Healing hearts, even more so.

By the time we’d finished the tour, I at least knew where to start. When we got back to the office, I left Mum with Fran and went into Ciaron’s office. It was the middle of winter, and yet, my palms were sweaty.

I couldn’t let him deal with his mother alone. He’d saved me when we’d first met, and I was in a very similar situation with my father. I needed to do the same for him now. We could fix this. We could fix us. I hope.

I stepped directly in front of him at his desk and waited for him to look up at me. When he did, my stomach was all jittery. I wiped my hands on my jeans. “Your mother will only be here for a couple of weeks.” Any longer and I might kill her. “You can move back home, and we can pretend everything is normal.”

I was sure we could do it. Before the last few months, we’d been inseparable since the day we’d met, except for the short time when I’d waited for him to arrive in Australia. In that short time, we were connected by our hearts only. After that, we were connected everywhere .

“Are you sure?” Ciaron asked, stopping my wandering mind.

“I think it’s the best solution, don’t you?”

He nodded, his jaw set. Was he about to say something I didn’t want to hear? Like it would only be pretend and that’s all it could ever be? “Just to make it clear, I have no intention of moving back to Ireland. No matter what.” He held eye contact. His voice was strong. I didn’t doubt him.

“OK,” I whispered, sitting down across from him. My legs couldn’t hold me steady any more. All this time I’d been agonising over him leaving because of something my stupid father had said. His firm assurance in this moment was a relief.

“I don’t want to put up with her emotional blackmail. On the phone, I can walk away at the end of the call. I can talk to you or the kids.” He always had. And at night, in bed, we’d talk about it. I’d comfort him as I wished he’d stop calling her. But he was too good of a person for that.

I reached out, hesitant, my fingers trembling slightly and took his hand. I wanted him to know I was there for him. His rough fingers held onto mine, tethering us together. A small jolt of energy spread up my arm, leaving a slow burn beneath my skin.

“If she doesn’t know about the separation, the better for all of us,” I said, raising my eyes to his.

He smiled, a sad smile that nearly broke my heart.

“Go and pack,” I said. “And while you’re at it, think of a suitable punishment for our children.”

But while they deserved punishment for their act of deception, I was cheering on the inside because now we had a chance. Or I had a chance to make it right. To earn his love back.

Knowing the kids were on our side, and Mum, would make it so much easier. If Mary ever became aware that we’d fallen out of love, it would be the opening she needed. She’d never been on our side, only on her own. And her own meant getting back at me for taking her son away.

I was betting on being in close quarters with Ciaron magnifying my efforts. Just like those first three days we’d spent together twenty-two years ago, where we declared our love and made a life commitment. I would get that commitment back on track.