SEVENTEEN
“Are we still on for tonight?” Johanna’s voice rings in my ears from the other side of my phone.
This dinner has been in the making for weeks now. She’s been trying to organise it, juggling to try and find a day we all could fit it into our schedule, and she’s finally done it.
We’re all going. Ethan, Hazel, and her friend Sofia, as it seems. Hazel wasn’t very interested at first, but Ethan convinced her to come, too. I’ve come to understand that it’s just her nature and not to take it personally. Although Johanna seems intent on winning her over.
“Yeah, Jo. I’ll meet you at six o’clock. Is that okay with you? I don’t want to get home too late; I have to put Dylan to bed,” I tell her.
Just then, I see him emerge from the school doors. A smile finds its way to my face just at the sight of him, and I wave excitedly.
“Good,” she answers. “No need to bring anything. I’ve got it covered!” We say goodbye just as he brushes against my legs, hugging me tightly.
“Who was that, Mummy?” Dylan steals a shy glance at me from under his thick lashes, hope blooming in his gaze. “Did you find my father already?”
My heart cracks, dissolving the good day I was having into nothing. The shadow of disappointment hovers over us like a hound.
“No, baby,” I answer defeatedly while picking him up.
He settles over my hip, my hack to better support his weight. A frown takes over his face, and it hurts me even more.
This is such a mess. How can I explain to a five-year-old that he probably is the outcome of non-consensual sex? That I ran away from the situation and never wanted to take a DNA test because of what that could mean to me, to my ex-boyfriend, and to who the real father is. I just…can’t.
“I haven’t found him yet,” I tell him, grazing my finger over his reddened cheek. “As soon as I do, I’ll contact him and ask him to meet you, yeah?”
Stalling isn’t the solution, but I can’t bear to truly break his heart.
“It’s okay,” he mumbles, wrapping his arms around my neck and placing his head on my shoulder as I walk us both to my car.
“So, what did you learn at school today?”
“Oh,” he exclaims, raising his head and looking back at me. An exciting glint swirls in his irises. “We were taught to count even more numbers, Mummy! Like, they don’t have an end.” His hands wave and move in the air in rhythm to his speech, and it’s so amusing to watch.
Just like that, he forgets about what was making him sad, easily getting distracted by what he enjoys, babbling and laughing throughout the entire car ride home. The afternoon passes quickly as I help him out with some educational games, and we play football in the backyard.
Nana came back yesterday, but she still looks pretty tired from the days away, probably taking care of everything for her little brother’s funeral. So, before leaving for this friends’ date, I’m cooking dinner for them.
This is my favourite part out of the entire house. It was already fully renovated when Nana bought it, with these beautiful wall-built cabinets in sage green covering two walls, making an L. The bottom row of cabinets is topped by a white counter and a built-in stove and oven.
It has tons of storage and a cooking area. It’s divine. There is also a huge island in the middle and a little corner by the window with a rustic-style dining table—my favourite.
“Lo, dear?”
“In the kitchen, Nana,” I yell just as I turn off the stove. “Do you want me to set the table?”
“No, dear. You’ve done more than enough. Go get dressed and have fun. I’ll take it from here.” She smiles at me and sits down beside Dylan who gives her a wide grin.
Upstairs, I put on some loose mum jeans and a tight white top, then brush my hair into a loose French braid. I head downstairs to head out, kissing them both on the head and picking a bottle of wine before walking to the car.
It’s a quick drive to Jo’s since she lives so close. When she opens the door, there’s light chatter in the background, letting me know everyone else has already arrived.
“Willow! You’re here,” she squeals in delight as if it were a surprise to see me here.
With a small, shy smile, I side-hug her. She’s always so radiant, happy, and full of energy. It’s always as inspiring as it is intimidating.
“Hey, Jo. I brought some wine.”
“I told you I’ve got it covered, silly!” She waves me off. “Oh, wow! That’s a decent wine. I didn’t expect you to bring a good one. Nice job!”
What?
My eyebrows twist in a frown, confusion hitting me. But before I can answer, she twirls around, heading inside, and I take the hint to move into the living room.
Ethan stands up right away, hugging me tightly. Sofia follows, kissing my cheek, and Hazel nods in acknowledgement. I guess that’s as good as you can get, so I smile in return. She’s hardened on the outside, but it looks more like a defence mechanism than anything else.
We all sit down at her white oval table, which is already set and prepared.
“Were you waiting for me long? Sorry—”
“We just got here,” Ethan answers with a smile. “Like one minute before you.”
“Oh, good,” I exhale in relief.
I hate being late; it’s not polite at all.
As we wait for Johanna to return, I look around a little. The decor really suits her vibe. The walls are stark white, the furniture a light grey with modern and straight lines. The decoration is kept to a minimum, but it has splashes of colour here and there with the pillows, the paintings and the chandeliers or lamps—giving it just enough personality.
Soon enough, she’s back with a fuming tray of what seems to be lasagna. Maybe cannelloni? Once it’s set down, she’s adamant about serving everyone before herself and sits down between Hazel and Sofia. I am on the other side of Hazel, with Ethan between Sofia and me.
We all fall into easy conversation, getting to know Sofia a little better and talking about our college projects for the semester.
“Ugh, Professor Prick is such an asshole,” Johanna groans after downing the last of the wine in her glass.
“He’s not that bad,” I answer before I can help myself.
All eyes turn to me—except for Sofia because she doesn’t know what we’re talking about—and I immediately regret my words.
“Excuse me,” Ethan starts, an offended tone to his voice. “Are you living in this world? That guy is a Grinch, and by the looks of it, you’re Christmas!”
Johanna and Sofia chuckle as Hazel nods, agreeing with her cousin. I join in awkwardly, too, choosing to keep silent.
Except, Johanna doesn’t let me, “Speaking of, have you been in contact with Liam?”
Oh.
“Have you guys talked ever since?”
“Well, I–”
“Wait!” Sofia cuts in, interrupting me. “Isn’t Liam the one you were going on a date with?”
Silence follows. A thick, heavy tension settles around the table as everyone’s eyes jump between Johanna and me. Her attention is locked on mine, with an expression I’ve never seen on her before.
Determination.
So far, she’s let it slide. And I was too hopeful that this moment would never come. But it seems that, once again, fate has other plans for me. Or, in this case, Johanna does.
“The very one,” Johanna admits, opening the can of worms and perking everyone’s curiosity.
It stings. Up until now, she’s acted as a friend, a good and respectful one. And this is the best—worst—wake-up call there could ever be. Johanna was waiting, but not for me to open up and tell her everything. She was waiting for the opportunity to corner me into telling her everything.
“Ahm…” Anxiety prickles at my brain, sending my blood pumping and raising my body temperature.
Everyone is waiting for an answer, and no one is merciful enough to stop it. Their interest is more important than my pain, if they can even notice it.
“Girls,” Ethan starts. “Maybe–”
“Let her talk,” Johanna grits. “She can speak for herself.”
Oh god.
Ethan clenches his jaw but keeps quiet, letting her win.
“Liam…” It hurts just to say his name aloud. “Was my childhood best friend for years.”
Maybe there’s no need to tell the entire story. Our story is just that, ours. And the only person I owe an explanation to is not sitting at this table.
That’s until Johanna’s body deflates, and she sighs in relief. That awakens the green monster I always try to ignore inside me. These foreign feelings are never welcome, but every time they show up, I lose this inevitable battle.
Knowing in my gut that his reason to move forward is right here in front of me. That sooner or later, I’ll have to witness that happening with someone I see daily guts me—wrecks me.
And that’s why the word vomit happens, the need to let her know that there’s more. There was more.
“He was also my first boyfriend.”
A couple of gasps are the only sounds. Just as I expected, in a matter of minutes, the dinner is ruined, reminding me how volatile friendships and other relationships are.
“The plot thickens,” Hazel speaks up, finally showing interest in something. Of course, it has to be me squirming for a way out. “Don’t leave us hanging! Tell the deets!”
“Yes!” Sofia agrees.
“As I had asked, have you talked ever since?” Johanna presses.
“We met yesterday—”
“Oh!” Sofia gasps. “Then he was probably the one I saw you walking with last night. Wow, he looked hot!”
What?
“He did seem a little older, though,” she comments, deep in thought. “But then again, it was already dark, and I wasn’t particularly close.”
“That was Professor Adell,” I blurt.
“What?” Ethan’s voice comes out high-pitched, more than he probably intended.
Oh my, what have I gotten myself into? My cheeks burn with shame as all eyes stay locked on mine.
“Well…Things didn’t go well with, ahm, Liam. I was trying to, uh, recompose myself when Professor Adell found me.”
“He better not have been an asshole,” Ethan sneers.
And thankfully, just like that…all attention shifted away from one precarious situation to the other. I’d rather spill the tea—even if there isn’t any— about Professor Adell than my first and only love.
“No, actually…” I trail off, remembering how kind and attentive he was.
For someone who made sure to make my life hell at first, he never once tried to prod at my privacy, knowing I wouldn’t want to talk about it. Much unlike Johanna has done in this dinner, putting me on the spot in front of everyone.
I end up settling with a simple, “He was nice.”
“He was?” three voices ask in unison, surprise lacing all of their tones.
“Yes, he walked me to my car because it was late and dark. Didn’t even ask questions about what had upset me. I reckon it’s a development from the hostile behaviour from before…”
Ethan is the first to react, smiling kindly and commenting, “That’s good. He finally got some sense into that thick skull.”
From there, the conversation carries on, laughter erupting more often than not, and slowly, I feel my body relax as the comfort seeps back in. Johanna still locks gazes with me a few times but doesn’t attempt to pull the subject back to Liam.
As it gets later, Sophia is the first one to leave, having to work early the next morning. And Ethan and Hazel go a few minutes after as well since he has to take her home. Awkwardly, I stay behind in the hopes of talking to Johanna.
“It’s getting late; I have to go, too,” I say as I help her carry the empty plates to the kitchen.
“Yeah, sure.” She smiles tightly, walking me to the front door.
Putting on my thick coat, I take a deep breath as I brace myself for the words I’m about to force out. “Look, Johanna,” I start. “Just know it’s not my goal to meddle with your relationship with Liam.”
“It’s not that easy, Willow,” she sighs. “You two obviously have history but not closure.”
I wince. Just as my mouth opens to answer her, a loud knock on the front door startles the both of us.
“I’m so sorry,” I mumble. “I’ll get out of your way.”
My hand finds the doorknob, twisting it open, but instead of finding my escape home, I come face to face with Liam’s blue eyes.
Again.