Chapter 26
My hands were shaking as I brought the cup of chamomile to my lips. And as I took a sip, I burned my tongue and lips.
“Oh, fuck me.”
Jasmine eyed me over her own cup of tea. I had been trying – with an emphasis on trying – to steel my nerves. I wasn’t doing a very good job at soothing anything. Jasmine opened her mouth to say something, so I held a palm up.
“Don’t say anything. I know I’m a coward.”
It was a truth I could no longer ignore. I was a coward, and a liar. It had to stop today. At least on one front. I couldn’t fight every battle in one day.
“I was actually going to tell you that Alex invited us to go bowling this weekend.”
I raised an eyebrow. Now that sounded rather fishy. Sure, I didn’t despise the guy anymore, but inviting me to go bowling seemed like a stretch. We didn’t like each other that much.
Jasmine let her chin rest in the palm of her hand. “What is it now?”
“I have a hard time believing that Alex invited us just to go bowling. And by us, I mean me.”
“Danté is coming.”
“Of course he is,” I grumbled.
It was becoming quite clear that Jasmine and Alex both tried to meddle in our business, or lack of business. I hadn’t seen Danté again. That was probably for the better. I couldn’t muster the courage to see him these days. Jasmine was still waiting for my reply. This whole situation was getting preposterous, so I nodded. Perhaps it would help soothe my nerves to have a friend’s night out before I actually told Danté that I was in love with him.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my mom.”
I downed the rest of my now lukewarm chamomile tea and went for my room. You can do this, Evy. Things cannot get worse than they already are anyway. I dialled her number before I could give myself the time to chicken out. Every beep of the line made my heart rate spike up. My hands grew so slick with sweat that I feared I’d let my phone drop. Every second felt like an eternity. Gods, I hated this. Finally, unfortunately, she picked up.
“Evelyn?”
No hello, no nothing. I swallowed hard.
“Hi, Mom. How are you?”
She hesitated, probably thinking about how to keep this conversation under control. “I’m okay. How are you?”
“I’m hanging in there.”
We both stayed silent for a while. For once, I hadn’t rehearsed what I needed to tell her, so I had no idea what to say.
“So,” she started.
“About the Christmas fiasco,” I said at the same time.
“Yes?”
I hated myself at how hopeful she sounded. Here I was, about to step on her feelings. Aswaa was right. I had to be honest. It was better for all of us if I told her what was really on my mind. What had been on my mind for years.
“I am not going to apologize for what I said because I meant it. I’m just sorry that it came out that way.”
“Evelyn, that’s not fair. You know we are trying.”
My eyes prickled with tears. Gosh, I was such an asshole, wasn’t I?
“I know you are. I’m just not able to pretend like I’m fine anymore.”
“Then what do you expect of us?”
This was it: my mother’s outstretched hand. My heart was beating painfully in my throat, and my vision blurred. My knees were getting so weak I had to lean against my desk. Still, I felt too nervous to sit down.
“I need time. Time to know what I need and to know how to get better. I hope you can give me that.”
Her breathing trembled. I knew she was doing her best not to cry.
“Evy, you know we never wanted to leave you behind, right?”
A tear rolled down my cheek, and I was glad that my mom couldn’t see me now. I quickly wiped it away.
“I know. It doesn’t change the fact that your absence hurt me. And I know there are a lot of things we need to talk about, but I’m not ready.”
When a soft sob escaped her lips, I could feel my heart break. Things would get better for all of us one day. They had to.
“I guess you won’t come back home then?”
“I won’t, no.”
I also remembered that Danté and Jasmine had both told me to give them a chance. So I reached a hand out as well. It was the least I could do. She was still my mother.
“Let’s maybe go out for a coffee in a few weeks?”
So that the dust could settle, and I could try to get my shit together until then. Mom sniffled on the other side of the phone.
“Yes, that sounds lovely.”
“Thank you.”
“Alright, we’ll talk later. Take care.”
“Bye, Mom.”
She hung up faster than she ever had. Probably to bawl her eyes out. Though I felt like crying and pulling my hair out myself, I couldn’t ignore the amount of weight that lifted from my shoulders. Jasmine’s head snapped up, her eyebrows drawn together in concern when I got back to the kitchen. She got up slowly, trying not to spook me.
“So, how did it go?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but all that came out was a sob. Then another one, and another one, until I was a crying mess on the floor.
Jasmine hugged me, rubbing my back. “Did it go that bad?”
I shook my head. Once the sobs calmed down, I let myself lean against the wall. “No, it went surprisingly well.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“I hurt her. And no matter how much I’ve resented them, I never wanted to hurt them.”
“It’s better this way, Eves. They were also hurting before. Now at least they know why.”
Jasmine and I stayed on the floor in silence. The impatient drivers honking and tram bells ringing outside were oddly comforting. Life would get back to normal. Things would get fine. Just not today, and not tomorrow.
“How about a drink?” I asked.
“That’s probably the smartest thing you’ve said all week.”
“Asshole.”
Jasmine hit me on the arm before getting up. Then she offered her hand. For a small girl, she had more strength than she let on. Jasmine lifted me as if I weighed nothing. Once I was back on my feet, she gave me a satisfied smile.
“An asshole you cannot live without.”
“Damn right you are.”
***
Days had gone by in a blur. My exams were mostly over, and to be honest, I’d rather go out for a drink than for a few hours of bowling. But a promise was a promise, so I picked out a dark red velvet dress and put on my black biker boots. And for once, I made my septum visible. If anything, I looked quite like a badass. The gods knew I needed to feel like one because my sanity was tearing apart at the seams. I had survived my mom, so I would survive confronting Danté as well. That didn’t make it easier though. Jasmine and Theo were waiting for me in the living room. Jasmine whistled, so I turned to show them the whole outfit.
“Damn girl,” Theo said, “you sure do clean up nicely.”
“Jasmine told me I need to get laid. Hopefully, this will do the trick.”
Theo looked at his girlfriend in shock; she just winked back at him. I wasn’t going to tell him I had corrupted her.
When we arrived at the bowling alley, Danté and Alex were already at the bar, both drinking a beer. Was it the anxiety or the fact that I was happy to see him that made my heart speed up? Alex greeted us. By the way his smile turned cat-like, it was clear that Alex knew what my plans were. Luckily for me, he at least had the decency to stay silent on the matter. Danté, on the other hand, was not so quiet.
“Waw, Squirrel. Who are you trying to impress?”
I kept from scowling at the nickname. My friends snickered at how oblivious he was, so I did my best to keep an impassive face. His eyes lingered a few seconds on my legs, then on my piercing. One of the corners of my mouth lifted.
“Does it look like I am trying?”
Jasmine gave me a thumbs-up, and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Danté looked to the others, who all did a terrible job at staying neutral. Especially Theo. I rolled my eyes at how obvious they were. Alex, gods bless him, cleared his throat.
“Alright, we’re all ready to start the game?”
My friends and I agreed; only Danté shook his head.
“Manal will be here a bit later, but I guess we can already start.”
My stomach dropped to the floor. What the fuck! Manal was going to be here? What was even the point then? Alex shot me a worried glance, so apparently, he hadn’t known of her presence here either. Danté seemed confused at the sudden silence of the group.
“What’s going on?”
Except for the fact that both our best friends had been working together so that I could confess, and that Danté had invited his friend (or more?) to the night out, everything was fine. Oh, how I loved it when things didn’t go according to plan. It seemed like no amount of planning would save me tonight.
Alex regained his composure. “I just didn’t know she would come tonight.”
“Well, you said it was a friends night out.”
It was too late to turn back now. I followed the group to the alley. Alex did his best to make the teams. He tried to put Jasmine with Danté and me, but no matter how hard he tried, Danté didn’t see why he wouldn’t have Manal on his team. And Alex didn’t want me to be in another team than Danté’s. So once Manal was here, she would join Danté and me. In other terms: this evening was doomed. At least for now, she wasn’t here. Danté started the game with a spare.
I grabbed a pink ball that wasn’t too heavy and threw it away, only to go straight in the gutter. I liked to think that I was a girl of many talents. Bowling, however, wasn’t one of them. On the second try, I scored two pins. Pathetic. Danté gave me an encouraging smile. It didn’t make me feel better. This game would be a disaster, then the rest of the evening would be a disaster. Call me a pessimist, but I knew which battles I could win. Tonight wasn’t one of them.
At one point, Danté took pity on me. “Alright Evy, do you need some help?”
“I don’t want you to score for me, if that is what you’re suggesting.”
It was a fool’s pride, but I’d rather go down trying than let someone else win for me. He gave me a smirk and stalked over to where I stood.
“Get in position. Bend your knees a bit more.”
I did as he told me.
“Good. Now look at the arrows on the floor. You’ve been trying to aim for the middle, but try to aim for the one right to the centre.”
Danté gave a sign for me to try again. I took a deep breath and threw the ball again. For the first time in ten minutes, I didn’t have a gutter ball during the first try. Granted, I only got four pins. It was still four more than I had been able to get before. I looked up at Danté, proud of my small victory.
“Did you see that?”
“I did. Try again.”
The second time, I was able to take another four pins down. That was probably the first time in my life that I had been able to get an eight. Danté lifted his hand, and I gave him a high five.
“Thank you for the tip. Maybe I’ll still be able to beat you.”
His eyes turned into crescent moons as he laughed. “I’d like to see you try.”
A dark tornado came between us. Manal gave Danté a bear hug before engulfing me in another one. My brain barely registered what was happening, so I dumbly patted her shoulder until she released me. Someone ought to tell that girl to not hug every stranger she meets.
“I’m sorry I’m late!”
Like always, I plastered a polite but fake smile on my face. This was where the evening stopped for me. Immediately, Danté and Manal started talking animatedly about life, about work, about their common friends. So this was what it felt like to be a third wheel. Spending years with Jasmine and Theo should’ve prepared me. It hadn’t. Manal joined the ongoing game and quickly scored more than what I had. And petty and competitive as I was, I wanted to do better.
When it was my turn again, I blocked out the surroundings and focused on the arrows on the floor. Spare! I turned back to Danté to see if he had seen it, only to find him still talking to her, holding her hand. My breath hitched in my throat. This really was a fight I wasn’t going to win. Might as well let it go. I pushed the disappointment that threatened to crush me and plopped down next to them. One of them said something to me; I just couldn’t register who said it, or what they said. It took all my concentration to keep from breaking down in this stupid place.
Once the first game was over, I went to the bar. Let them do another game if they wanted to. I had seen enough of it. I was surprised to see Danté sit next to me. The silence was awkward. It felt like he wanted me to break it. I just didn’t know how to. Danté bumped his knee against mine.
“So, what ruffled your feathers this time?”
This time? Like it happened that often. Maybe it did, but that wasn’t the point.
“I beg your pardon?” I asked in a clipped tone that proved him right.
“One second, you’re fine, then you’re moody. What happened?”
The damper I kept on my emotions lifted, and a tsunami of sadness and anger drowned me. There was no light there where I was headed.
“You lied to me.”
He almost knocked over his soda as he turned to me. “What?”
Danté looked at me as if I had hit him. The way he looked was the way I felt. I felt played, and stupid for having been blind all this time.
“Well, how is she then?” I asked. “From one to ten?”
The question was out before I could think about whether or not it would be wise to voice it aloud.
“Evy, what are you talking about?”
I stared at the bubbles rising to the surface of my glass of tango. It was easier to not look at him anymore. If he wasn’t going to be honest, I would be. I was tired of him walking all over my heart and my peace of mind. It ended tonight.
“You said once that you never sleep with your friends. You should’ve just told me you don’t like me instead of lying straight to my face.”
He let out a long sigh, which only meant he was battling the annoyance he felt because of me. “Where is this coming from?”
I faced him. Danté’s expression was grim; he knew things would go south from here.
“Who acts with their “friends” the way you and Manal act together?”
A muscle in his jaw ticked, a sign that showed I had probably gone too far. “What the fuck is your problem?”
There was no turning back now.
“So you expect me to believe nothing ever happened?”
“Yes!” he exploded. “Not that it is any of your business, but yes.”
Tears blurred my sight; I quickly blinked them away. He was right. It was none of my business. It was time for me to go home.
“Well, I don’t. I’m tired, and I don’t want to see you right now.”
I grabbed my bag and jacket. I had barely made two steps when Danté grabbed my wrist. His skin was searing against mine. I tried to free myself from his grip in vain. He was seething, and it made me want to crawl under the bar.
“Who do you think you are to say things like that?” he asked in a tone that was so cold and low it gave me shivers.
I had seen Danté being annoyed because of me on several occasions. It was the first time that I saw him actually get mad. Tonight, he wasn’t the only furious one, so I clung to that rage.
“If you hadn’t toyed with me the way you did, I wouldn’t have to say anything. Now let me go.”
That took him by surprise. Just not enough for him to release his grip on my arm. “Toyed with you?”
I started tugging harder at my wrist, but Danté didn’t bulge. He put his face closer to mine.
“We’re not done here.”
“If you don’t let me go, I will scream.”
We stared each other down. Danté was wondering if I was bluffing. I wasn’t, and he realized it too because he immediately let me go. His expression turned sad. Disappointed. My fury only grew bigger and bigger.
“Good night,” I spat before disappearing into the night.