Be My Forever

Chapter 37

The ceiling was having a staring contest with me. Or maybe I was merely losing my mind. My exams had gone by in a blur. A few days afterward, I had gone to parties with Chloe or spent my time working extra shifts. Everything was fine, as long as I didn’t have to spend hours with myself as my sole companion. Not able to take the calm anymore, I went to the kitchen. Jasmine was still studying at the table, lost in her books.

I took mascarpone and lemon curd out of the fridge and started making a lemon tiramisu. Every now and then, Jasmine shot me a worried look. I got a lot of them lately. Between her and Theo, it often felt like they were anticipating a mental breakdown. I was glad that I couldn’t see myself the way the others did. Not that it would’ve been bad to be outside of my own head for a few hours.

My phone chimed. Not wanting to annoy Jasmine more than necessary, I went back to the living room. A new email from the school.

Dear student,

Your exam results are now online. Click on the link below to view them.

I clicked on the link, swallowing hard. After all these years, these moments still made me nervous. Had I ever failed an exam ever since I got into college? No. Did that make it any less stressful? Also no. The screen loaded, and my results appeared. I stared, and stared, and stared, until my phone slipped from my hand, falling on the floor. Then I hiccupped. Jasmine walked over to me, but I couldn’t move.

“Evy, what’s wrong?”

She picked up my phone and looked for herself. My skin prickled, suddenly feeling too tight for my body. Jasmine’s eyes went wide. A second later, she was hugging me.

“You’re graduating! That’s amazing.”

Then why didn’t it feel so? I hiccupped once again. And again, only to end up sliding to the floor, with my head between my hands, sobbing. Jasmine’s soft orange blossom perfume came closer. Her warm hand rested against my neck.

“Eves, talk to me.”

“It’s over,” I choked out. “Everything I worked for my whole life… all my efforts have paid off.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“My first thought was that Danté isn’t here to live this moment with me.”

What was the point in having joys and sadness, and not being able to share them with the person you loved more than anything? What was the point of it all if he wasn’t with me?

“What was the point of all these years? This?” I yelled. “That’s bullshit!”

This was supposed to be a wonderful moment. Graduating and starting the career I had been working towards was supposed to be rewarding. The sobs never stopped. This was the first time that Jasmine was tongue-tied. For as long as I had known her, Jasmine always had something to say. Not today. Her eyes grew sad.

“I can’t do this alone,” she whispered before getting up.

She dragged me to my feet to make me sit on the couch. Jasmine called someone. It sounded heated, but I could barely hear her over my loud breathing. I didn’t want to cry anymore. What good did it do?

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I jolted awake when someone knocked on our door. Jasmine practically ran to open it. My sister wasted no time and hugged Jasmine as she walked in.

“Thank you for coming so quickly,” my best friend told her.

“What’s going on?”

“I can’t get through to her. You are her big sister, so man up and do something.”

They both talked as if I wasn’t there. It would’ve been nice if I had been somewhere else. Eleanor’s grey eyes landed on me. I flapped my hand at her, more lethargic than ever. After my breakdown from earlier, I was drained. All I wanted was to fall asleep, only to wake up once the pain was gone.

My sister plopped down next to me. She was as pretty as always. Not a single strand of her dark and shiny hair was out of place, and her cheeks had a healthy glow. The way she cocked her head to the side as she checked up on me, it was clear that I looked like I had been run over by a bus. Funny, that was exactly how I felt.

“This is a first. I don’t really know what to do,” she admitted in a soft voice. Indeed, Jasmine had never called my sister to come and help her before.

“I’m sorry you had to come.” I picked at a cuticle so I didn’t have to look at her. If only I could regain control over my life. But what was the point? I’d had everything under control until Danté. Now that he wasn’t here anymore, it felt like there was nothing left of me. Eleanor grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to her.

“Don’t apologize. You’re my baby sister. I’ll always come when you need me.”

For once, the term baby sister made me smile. She untangled and stroked my hair.

“Jasmine told me what happened between you and Danté. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Me too.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

I told her everything. Him hiding the truth, the planned breakup. Would things between us have been different if I hadn’t been such a control freak? If I had been less fucked up? Would we still be together if he had loved me more? I hated when my mind spiralled like that. I wouldn’t have been me if I had been any different. If Danté couldn’t be with me like this, maybe we were never meant to be. If only knowing this could make missing him less painful.

Eleanor drew in a sharp breath. “I am sorry, Evelyn. I made you like this.”

I turned back to my sister, only to see her lips wobble as she did her best to keep from crying. Eleanor laced her fingers with mine.

“I took away your youth without realizing it. I can’t give back the years that you lost, but I can give you this piece of advice. You need to take life one day at a time, and accept that not everything is yours to control. That’s what makes life hard, but also worth living for.”

Her words opened an old wound in my chest, and stitched it back together. Burning tears rolled down my face. My sister kept rubbing circles on my hands as the tears kept coming. When was this going to end?

“I’m so tired.”

“I know you are. You love him, so it will take a long time for you to get over this. But you and I, we’re fighters. You stopped living because of us. Try to live for yourself now.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted.

“Trust me, I know.” She let out a long sigh. “Healing is a scary, slow process.”

“Is this the moment where you say that it is worth it?”

Eleanor flicked me on the forehead as a punishment. When the fun of the moment fell back down, she cupped my cheek and put her forehead against mine.

“Healing is worth it. Being happy is worth it, especially because you deserve it. Enjoy life the way it comes at you. Surprises change your life. For worse, yes, but also for the better.”