Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
Nerves twisted Gus’s insides as he led Madoc into the studio.
“You want a drink?” he asked, going to his chair. “I have beer and Coke and some Korean energy drinks that Felipe’s obsessed with.”
Madoc closed the door behind them. “I’d love a beer. I’ll grab one for you too, if you don’t mind me helping myself.”
“Absolutely, knock yourself out.”
Propping his crutches and bag against the wall, Gus used the chair’s arms for balance as he spun on his sound foot, then lowered himself into the seat. His groan was loud, but he didn’t care when Madoc’s hand between Gus’s shoulders was a soothing weight Gus could lean into. It centered Gus and made the throbbing in his short limb that much easier to ignore.
“You good?” Madoc asked.
“Yeah.” Gus sagged a little. “Just beat. My leg is sore. Plus, I stink like firepit, and I’m so done with this uniform.”
Sighing quietly, Madoc squatted beside him. “Can I do anything?”
Gus opened his mouth, then shut it again. He was close to cracking with Madoc so near, his own emotions stretched thin after what had been a very long day.
“The cops had to carry Connor out of that house,” Gus said softly. “For a second, I thought it was you.”
Despite his terror, Gus had gone straight to work, Olivia and Ellis at his sides and more crews pouring into the yard as Stark, Amaya, and Lucky were brought out. Gus could still see Connor’s eyes, the warm brown startling against his soot-streaked skin. Lucky’s face twisted in pain, Amaya and Stark gagging for breath. Through it all, Gus’s heart had been in his throat, his relief Madoc wasn’t among the injured—that Madoc was somewhere safe—staggering.
Madoc moved his hand to the back of Gus’s neck and Gus reached up, curling his fingers around Madoc’s wrist. It helped, just hanging on.
Until the soft thump of a kitty dropping out of a cat tree with her tags jingling pulled him back out of his head.
“Uh-oh.” Gus shared a smile with Madoc at Lemonade’s plaintive meow. “Someone’s big mad that I’m late with her food.”
Madoc smoothed Gus’s hair. “Guess we should feed her then.”
The cat trotted up, excited by Madoc’s presence, and though she made the leap onto Gus’s shoulders for the quick ride into the kitchen, she complained steadily, chagrined at being left waiting.
“Let me take over,” Madoc said to Gus over Lemonade’s griping. “I’ll deal with the small chicken princess while you go wash off the smoke and think about what you want for your own dinner.”
Gus accepted the beer Madoc handed him, drinking deeply from the bottle before he set it between his thighs. “Might be too tired to eat,” he said as he spun his chair around. “But I don’t have to be at HQ for the debrief until ten tomorrow, so I’ll have time for a giant breakfast.”
He stopped by the closet to drop off his leg and grab a change of clothes, amused as he listened to Madoc chat with Lemonade. In the bathroom, Gus cleaned his prosthetic liner and socks first, and his beer was mostly gone by the time he got himself into the shower. He took his time basking under the hot spray, sluicing off smoke and sweat and God knew what else, and he babied his stump, carefully cleaning the reddened skin. By the time he emerged from the bathroom, he’d located his appetite, his stomach rumbling when a bunch of good smells hit him, herbs and meat and spices.
“Yo.” Gus raised his eyebrows at a plate on his table piled high with sliced vegetables and cheese, crackers, and pieces of smoked turkey. “Did all that come out of my fridge?”
Madoc, who had the cat in his arms, huffed a laugh. “Yes. Thought maybe you’d get hungry once you had some time to chill. You want another drink?”
“Yes, please.” Rolling up to the table, Gus traded his empty bottle and bundle of laundry for the cat. “Thank you for doing this.”
“Thanks for letting me.” Madoc gave him a smile before walking off.
Scooping meat and cheese from the plate, Gus broke off a small piece of cheese for the cat. When he took a bite for himself though, he saw the shades had been drawn and the bed pulled out of its cabinet. The extra pillows he kept in the closet were out and his phone was on the charger beside his sketchbook, and there was a movie playing on the TV with the volume turned down. Madoc had even set a bottle of pain relievers on the table and made sure Gus’s crutches were on the left side of the bed, along with his prosthesis, a fresh liner, and socks.
“It’d mean a lot to me if I could lighten your load tonight.”
Gus ran his knuckles over his lips. He understood the impulse to be close after the scare they’d had today, but this whole scene felt surreal. He’d been walking around for weeks feeling as if a big chunk of his life had gone missing, and now Madoc was loading the washer, looking every inch his stupid hot self and like he had no plans to be anywhere else.
Madoc had held Gus like a lover in full view of their friends and colleagues tonight, then kept him within reach when possible like he couldn’t bear to lose contact. And God, the way he kept looking at Gus with so much tenderness and concern. Like he was seeing Gus with new eyes.
“How do you feel?” Madoc asked, setting new beers on the table. “Everything okay with your leg?”
“No blisters, thankfully, so I should be good.” Gus popped an ibuprofen and chased it with beer. “And I definitely feel more human than I did an hour ago. How about you?”
“It’s been … a night.” Madoc laughed, but he looked weary. The shadows beneath his eyes spoke of his own sleeplessness, and he nodded gratefully when Gus nudged the plate of food toward him.
“Val and I had a thing at the school like I said, so she could meet her new teachers and see their classrooms. And it really hit me as we were walking around that my baby’s about to be a first grader.”
Taking his phone from his pocket, Madoc flipped open the photo app to a pic of Valerie standing beside the school locker she’d been assigned and Gus had to swallow a sigh. He’d always loved hearing Madoc talk about his girl. Watching him light up with pride and affection.
“She’s ready to be a big kid, huh?”
Madoc smiled. “Absolutely. She had a blast catching up with friends and exploring, and afterward we went to the cafe for dinner and talked about you.”
For a second, Gus was sure he’d misheard. “Me? Why?”
“Because Val thought I was angry with you and that’s why you only come over when I’m not around.”
“Oh, balls. I’m sorry, Mad.”
“It is what it is.” Madoc studied his hands in his lap. “You needed space from me, and I’ve tried to respect that. Val noticed I wasn’t myself though, and I should have anticipated she’d pick up on that. Considered how she was going to feel when you and I stopped being friends.”
“We didn’t stop being friends.”
“I think it seemed that way to her.”
Maybe to me too.
Madoc didn’t have to speak the words out loud for Gus to know he was thinking them. And man, Gus felt like shit.
“We didn’t stop being friends,” he said again. “And if I’m honest, the space I said I wanted hasn’t done shit for me.” Gus huffed noisily through his nose. “I thought I could walk back my feelings if I wasn’t around you. But every time I hear you over the radio or see you at a scene, all the stuff I’m trying not to feel hits me over the head. Christ, all it takes is Val saying your name when we’re talking …”
Madoc snapped his gaze up to meet Gus’s. “I know. So, why are we staying apart when it’s not working for any of us?”
Doing his best to ignore the flutter in his chest, Gus sat back in his chair. “I’m not sure what to say. I know I asked this the last time I saw you, but what are we doing here, Madoc?”
“Fixing things, I hope. And maybe starting over.” Madoc folded his arms on the tabletop. “That's why I’ve been wanting to talk. So I could tell you how sorry I am for being a shitty friend. I should have called Tarek out for being an ass and I hate that I let you down there. That you think I only wanted you around because you got me off, which isn’t true at all. I care about you, Gus, so fucking much.”
“I care about you too. But I don’t know where that leaves us.” Gus shook his head sadly. He was so tired of hurting. “A couple of weeks ago, you told me you weren’t ready to have someone in your life and now you say you want to start over. So, what the hell changed between then and now?”
“I did. I came out to Tarek.”
Whoa.
Thunderstruck, Gus watched Madoc’s cheeks flush red before his brain kicked back into gear. “You did?”
“Yes. I told him I’m bi and that you’ve been more to me than just a partner and buddy.” Madoc heaved a big breath then blew it out. “Then I came out to Noelene and Clea too, since I was kind of on a roll and figured they deserved to know.”
Gus took Madoc’s hand in his. He’d hoped Madoc would find the courage to be honest with his family about himself someday. But seeing him now, eyes shining with equal parts excitement and trepidation, blew Gus away.
“That’s a whole lot of telling, Madoc,” he said softly. “How did it make you feel?”
“Incredible. And freaked out if I’m honest. But they were so good to me, Gus. T said he was there for me, no matter what. And Noelene needed a minute to process, but she heard me out. Listened to me talk for God knows how long about why I’d never told her the truth.” Madoc’s throat worked, and Gus knew he was fighting to keep it together.
“So tonight, I came out to Val,” Madoc said. “And she was … herself. Loving and kind and so much wiser than she has any right to be.” Moisture sheened his eyes. “She just wants me to be happy.”
“Of course, she does. Val will always want that for you because she loves you with everything she is.” Dropping Madoc’s hand, Gus drew him in for a hug, a sweet ache in his own heart. “I’m so proud of you, Madoc, and I know your girl is too.”
For the second time that evening, Madoc lost himself in Gus’s embrace. It was selfish of him to seek comfort after he’d promised he’d be the one taking care of Gus, but damn it was good being close to him again, especially with his own emotions in an uproar. And Gus didn’t miss the drying tear tracks on Madoc’s cheeks when they parted, gently brushing over them with his fingertips.
“Are you all right?” he asked Madoc, his voice all caring concern.
“I’m good, I promise.” Madoc cleared his throat. “It’s still strange saying those words because I never have a plan or anything. But I’m ready to say them, like you told me I’d be. And now it’s like I don’t know what the hell I was waiting for.”
“You were waiting to feel safe,” Gus said. “It just took you some time to get there.”
They lingered over the meal Madoc had constructed, catching up on easy topics that carried no heavy emotional toll and more pics, including some of Madoc and Valerie posing in their pom-pom crowns with Tarek. When Gus’s eyelids started to droop, they cleaned up and moved to the bed to watch a movie where Madoc didn’t pay much attention to the images on the screen, his own blinks getting progressively longer as a rosy, twilight space unfolded around them that was everything he needed and hoped Gus did too. Time to reconnect and rest and just be, hands entwined as the world beyond the studio walls continued on.
At last, Gus shivered lightly, then rolled toward Madoc, settling on to his side. “Guess we should talk, huh?”
“Yes. After you’ve slept.” Turning his head, Madoc pressed his nose against Gus’s hair. “You can’t talk when you’re not fully conscious.”
Gus scoffed softly. “You’re not exactly awake, bruh.”
“Mmm, but I’m not the one who’s been up for almost a full day at this point. We’ll talk tomorrow when we can both think better.” Madoc breathed Gus in. “Do you want me to go?”
“If you need to for Val?—”
“Tarek’s got her tonight, so I can stay if you want.”
Gus inched a bit closer. “I want,” he murmured. “But thanks for checking.”
Madoc smiled to himself. He sat up and switched off the bedside light, then drew the quilt up from its place across the foot of the bed, and Lemonade appeared, climbing over Gus’s torso to curl up between him and Madoc, her head against Gus’s belly. Turning onto his side, Madoc cataloged the familiar features of the face that’d become so dear to him in the glow from the TV.
He had a lot of work left to do to fix things between them. But Gus had let Madoc in past the walls he’d put up to protect his own heart, showing a level of trust Madoc was sure he didn’t deserve. To Madoc, that felt like real progress after so many weeks of missteps.
Blinking again, Madoc found the room quiet and dark, a sign he’d slept and been out long enough for the TV to power itself down. He was spooned up against Gus, his cheek against Gus’s shoulder while Gus slept on, his breaths rhythmic and deep.
Madoc drowsed for a bit, soaking up being close as he breathed in Gus’s clean, woody scent. Now and then, there were sounds from the direction of the cat tree as Lemonade did her thing, and Madoc’s body was exquisitely aware of how good it felt to hold Gus again, that muscled back and ass warm and distracting, and more than enough to make Madoc’s dick stir.
Carefully, Madoc extricated himself from the bed and started toward the bathroom, fully intending to splash some cold water on his face before he brewed some coffee. But there was sufficient light peeking under the window shades to illuminate the pages of Gus’s sketchbook on the side table, and the lines on one page caught Madoc’s eye as he passed by.
He’d clocked the sketchbook the night before but been more concerned with looking at Gus than his drawings. The face Madoc spied on the paper now took him off guard though, because it was undeniably his own.
Intrigued, he brought the book to the kitchen and turned on the light under the stove’s hood, pleasure washing through him as he studied the sketch Gus had captured of Madoc studying a handful of cards.
There was nothing remarkable about the scene itself—Madoc played cards with Valerie most days of the week. But the style of the drawing held a realism that was almost startling, so like a photograph that Madoc ran his finger over the page to remind himself it was pencil on paper.
He’d known from early on that Gus wielded his pencils and pens with skill. But Madoc was still awed by the lines on the page that formed his own eyes, alight with good humor, and a grin curling the corners of his lips. Madoc’s wonder only continued to grow as he flipped backward to the next sketch and then the others that preceded it, his face appearing on every page.
The tone of the drawings shifted between soft and dreamy and stark, Madoc’s figure or face always standing out as the most vivid detail, the pencil strokes coming together like magic to show him at work and play and rest. Behind the wheel of the truck. Frowning over the Toughbook. Reclined beneath the roof of the blanket fort with Lemonade loafed on his belly. Brushing Valerie’s hair at the bathroom sink while she brushed her teeth. Fast asleep with his arms around a pillow and his curls askew. Moments in Madoc’s day-to-day he didn’t think twice about but that Gus had seen and remembered.
More lights flicked on behind Madoc and he smiled to himself at the rhythmic creaks and taps that signaled Gus was using his crutches, a good sign he was feeling steadier now that he’d gotten some rest.
“You are so busted, big man,” Gus said in a sleepy voice. “Having fun snooping through my private stuff?”
Heat splashed across Madoc’s cheeks and he had to laugh. “Yes. And feeling a little conceited if I’m honest.”
“Conceited?” Gus appeared at Madoc’s side, hair wrecked as he frowned up at him. “What do you mean?”
“You made me look good.” Madoc ran his finger over the book again, tracing the lines of his face in the sketch before them. “This guy in your drawings looks … confident. Like he’s got his life together and knows it. Like he’s happy.”
Gus glanced down at the sketchbook. “Well, I draw what I see, Mad,” he said. “And you’re all those things when I look at you.”
Madoc nodded, considering. Then he turned from the counter and sketchbook and slipped his arms around Gus’s waist, carefully setting his forehead against Gus’s temple.
“I missed you,” he whispered past his tight throat, his heart pounding when Gus didn’t pull away. “I’m sorry things got so fucked up.”
Sighing softly, Gus brought his right arm up and around Madoc’s shoulders. “I’m sorry too.” He turned his face so his nose brushed against Madoc’s. “I missed you back, Mad. Every damned day.”
They stood that way for a while, the damned counter and Gus’s crutches making it tricky to get as close as Madoc wanted. But he held on to Gus anyway, soaking up his touch.
Gus saw a Madoc who was confident and happy because Madoc was both of those things and more when he was around Gus. He felt strong and sure of himself. Centered. Lighthearted in a way he hadn’t been in far too long. And Madoc wanted so much to give Gus those same good feelings. He just hoped Gus still wanted him.