Cosmic Castaway (Cosmic Romances #3)

29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Cold confrontations.

“What have I done?” I whispered the second I woke up. Mindy was passed out beneath me, but I distinctly remembered him being on top of me when I fell asleep after I’d told him everything. Literally everything.

Panic coursed through my veins as my pulse pounded in my chest. I’d told him everything and had just fallen asleep like I didn’t have a fucking care in the world. I had lots and lots of cares. Why had I said anything, let alone passed out afterward?

Yes, Serlotminden had said he was fine, but how could he be? I’d confessed to murdering people. No one normal would be fine with what I’d done. Either he was lying or he was insane. I was guessing the former.

Slowly, I slid off Mindy’s chest, and he groaned, tail squeezing my calf. “Flower,” he said, half-asleep.

I cupped his cheek, dragging a thumb over his scales. He took a deep breath, giving me a goofy smile as he fell back into a deep sleep. His tail released me, flopping to the mattress, and I wiggled out from beneath the mound of blankets. Trembling, I shoved on my glasses, tugged on my shoes, and crawled out of the tent.

Pookie immediately stood and snorted in welcome. I absentmindedly patted her, my thoughts circling on my conversation with Mindy. Why? A little nightmare, and I’d confessed everything like a scared kid? I should’ve kept my mouth shut. He didn’t need to know what had happened on Xome. How could he possibly look at me the same way, when I would never see myself in the same light again?

The shuttle was too confining for all of the emotions clogging my head. I needed out. I needed air. I needed to not look around and see metal.

Shaking, I yanked the cargo bay door open and stepped into the freezing cold. A gust of wind blew over me, making the blanket flare and raising goosebumps on my arms. Ominous clouds hung in the sky, approaching with every second that passed, and my breath came out in a frozen cloud with each breath.

I ignored the growing storm and the frigid air. They both seemed far away in contrast to the icy storm coiling inside of me. I’d told him everything. My eyes closed and I sank to the snow, wrapping my arms around my knees. Mindy should have left me on Xome. I should not be here.

Screams echoed in my mind, followed by a resounding thud of the bolt. I had closed it each time to protect Vince. I, not he, had killed all of them. I had stood there and let them die, even as he stared at me.

Tears froze to my cheeks as the wind picked up, howling.

Something cold nosed my elbow.

“No, Pookie,” I said.

She snorted, grabbing the blanket with her teeth, and tugged.

“No, Pookie,” I cried. “Just go back to Mindy.”

Pookie crawled onto my lap, wiggling and shaking. I tried to hold her, but she refused to sit still and kept attempting to direct me toward the shuttle. The wind gusted and a snowflake landed on my nose, making me jolt. I looked up; the clouds had swelled in the short time and the temperature had continued to drop to the point I felt frozen where I sat.

Terror filled my limbs, locking me in place, at what I could only describe as buckets of snow falling so fast it almost appeared like a white wave coming toward me. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t snow that fast. It couldn’t.

I tried to move, but my body refused to budge. My thoughts clouded and a sense of complete helplessness filled me as I stared in horror at the incoming snow.

“Bartholomew!” Serlotminden's voice sliced through the air. He snagged me and Pookie, who was squealing, and raced inside. My arms wrapped around his neck, holding him tight. I was going to lose him, wasn’t I? I deserved it and so much worse. I almost heard the ghosts in the back of my mind agreeing with me.

He set me down and cupped my cheeks, ignoring Pookie who was skittering around, squealing. “Are you well?”

I shook my head.

His eyes widened and Mindy started to frantically pat me. “Where? Where are you injured, Mate?”

“Why did you save me?”

“What?”

“Why the hell did you save me?” I demanded. “I didn’t ask to be saved.”

“I don’t understand. Was I to leave you in the snow?”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I shook my head again.

Serlotminden pointed to the door that didn’t completely muffle the sound of the raging wind and asked in a cracked voice, “Did you try to harm yourself? Why would you do that?”

“You shouldn’t have saved me. I don’t deserve it.”

“Answer me, Bartholomew.” He grabbed my biceps, tears gathering in his eyes. “Did you try to harm yourself?”

“No.”

“Then why were you outside in that storm?” When I didn’t respond, his grip tightened. “Talk to me. I need you to speak. Why? Why would you risk yourself?”

“I told you everything.”

“What?”

“I told you everything.”

“We talked about this last night.” Serlotminden pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m right here. I will always be right here.”

But he wouldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. I shoved him back. “Stop lying.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” I snapped, breaking. Tears coursed down my cheeks and shivers wracked my body. “You are lying. You have to be. You can’t be fine with it. I killed people, Serlotminden. I killed so many people. Their burnt bodies and their screams will never stop haunting me.” I gripped the front of my shirt over my heart. “I hear them demanding why they’re dead and I’m still here. How can you be alright with that?”

Mindy tried to reach for me, but I slapped his hands away. He said, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was.” It was my fault. I could have said no. I could have fought. I could have not locked the damn bolt, but I had every damn time, to save my own skin. They were dead, and I was alive. The stench of burning flesh filled my nose and the low bangs mixed with screams filled my ears. My stomach climbed my throat, and I swallowed, trying to keep it down, but it refused to be contained. I dropped to my knees. Bile burned my throat and tears dripped down my nose.

A hand rubbed my back, and I didn’t have the strength to force Serlotminden away. Shivering, I kneeled on the freezing floor, unable to move. Gentle kisses rained down on the nape of my neck and soft hands stroked my arms, sending tremors down my spine. Slowly, Mindy settled me on his lap, tucking my head against his shoulder. Pookie pressed against me with loud snorts.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered. “You are not to blame.”

“Then why do I feel so guilty?”

“Because you survived.” He dragged his claws over the back of my head. “I’m not a professional, Flower, but you survived something horrific and it left wounds behind. You need to heal.”

Tears slid down my cheeks, and Mindy brushed them away.

“I wish I had the power to take away your guilt, but I don’t.” Serlotminden lifted my chin. “What I can tell you is: I will never leave you.” I tried to shake my head, but he didn’t let me. “So please don’t leave me, Mate. Please. I need you.”

I closed my eyes. I felt beyond guilty for what I did on Xome, but I could try to let it go, couldn’t I? I didn’t know.

“Please, Teddy. My Flower.”

“I don’t know how to move on,” I warbled.

“It has not been that long, even though it feels as if it has. You need time. Time to heal. Time to feel safe. Time to think. And you don’t have to do any of it alone.”

I kissed his palm, sniffling. “Don’t leave.”

“I won’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, tears dripping down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure if I was apologizing for going outside at the beginning of a snow storm or for slamming that bolt closed back on Xome.

“I know.”

I hugged him tight, and Serlotminden simply held me in his strong embrace as I wept.

“Do you think we’ll get snowed in?” Bartholomew asked quietly.

My eyes closed at the sound of his voice. I had carried him back to the tent after he’d calmed some, but my mate had not spoken since. I’d been worried he’d fallen back into the spiraling guilt that had nearly taken him from me earlier. While he hadn’t been intending to harm himself, Bartholomew could’ve easily been lost to the snow.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

He grunted, fingers running over Pookie’s back. She was snuggled with us in the tent. I pulled Bartholomew even closer, wing draping over him. I wished I had some idea how to help him, but I didn’t. He needed something that I couldn’t provide. Only Bartholomew had the ability to forgive himself for what happened, and I didn’t know how to make him understand what had happened wasn’t even slightly his fault.

I pressed a kiss to the back of his head, and Teddy released a long breath. “I am sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” I said.

“I scared you.”

“You did,” I answered. Seeing him in the snow with a whiteout coming had terrified me to my core. “But you were scared too.”

He glanced over his shoulder at me.

I gently rolled him onto his back and held his perfect face, I said, “You thought I’d leave.”

“I didn’t see how you could still like me after everything.”

I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I will never not want you, Flower. I love you.”

Tears gathered in his eyes again.

“No, I didn’t mean to make you cry again.”

Bartholomew chuckled wetly. “Not all tears are sad, Mindy.”

He captured my mouth, and I opened for my mate, moaning. I would never tire of the feel of his lips on mine, his tongue twining with mine, and the feel of his skin against my scales. He gripped my back and pulled me on top of him to hook his legs around mine as we slowly kissed, simply connecting to one another.

“I love you,” I whispered to Bartholomew, and he groaned, claiming my mouth again. After a few moments he pulled away, and we lay in each other’s embrace while listening to the wind howling outside.