Cross My Heart

16. NOAH

Chapter 16

NOAH

22 YEARS OLD

I ’m not sure how long I’ve been laying here before the knob turns and the door opens. My eyes hurt from all the tears I’ve shed, and even though I’m exhausted, I can’t seem to fall asleep. At the same time, it feels like I could sleep for a hundred days.

My back is to the door, and I can hear Tyler and Scarlett whispering from behind me. I squeeze my eyes tighter as if pretending to be asleep will keep them out of the room when I know it won’t. But it’s only been a few hours since my parents died, and the last thing I want is to pretend everything is okay. They clearly don’t get the memo as they slip into bed with me.

Scarlett to my front, and Tyler to my back.

I’m suddenly the little spoon, and Ty wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me in closer, burying his face in my neck and kissing me there discreetly. Scarlett’s eyes are on my face, and suddenly her bottom lip trembles. I have to close my own eyes because if I see them cry over my family I’m going to break the fuck down.

“I’m sorry, Noah,” Scarlett whispers, sniffling. I open my eyes to see her whole body shaking, and I reach out and squeeze her hand. The light spilling in from the hallway shines on her tear-streaked face, and she focuses on where Tyler’s arm is wrapped around me. But either she doesn’t care right now about what happened in the car earlier, or she’s too distraught to think about it. “I loved them so much.”

“I did too,” Tyler whispers from behind me, his lips moving against the back of my neck. He kisses me there again, and I inhale sharply. “We’re going to miss them.”

“My M-mom,” I whisper brokenly. “Fuck, Ty,” I sob. “My parents are dead.”

Scarlett sobs too and squeezes my hand. “We’re still your family, Noah.”

“We’ll always be your family,” Tyler reaffirms.

“No matter what?” I ask Scarlett, afraid that what she saw will change everything between us. Maybe I can convince her it was only a moment of weakness because of my grief, but that wouldn’t be fair to her either. Lying to her face would only make things worse.

“No matter what,” she replies, her nails digging into my skin.

I flinch, and I know she hates me right now, but she’s in pain too. She’s hurting because this is also a loss for her. But she’s also hurting for me, her best friend. Her ride or die. The one who’s been by her side since we were in diapers. And no matter what I’ve done to fuck that up in the last few hours, I know it’s forgivable. It has to be.

It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to her, and she nods. “It was a moment of?—”

“Shhhhh,” she soothes, and Tyler’s arm tightens around me. “Forget about it.”

“I can’t—” I sob.

“We can .”

I nod, because right now I could. Right now, I could focus on the comfort they’re offering and set my feelings for Tyler aside. “I’m all alone now, Scar. I’m all alone in the world. I have—n-no one. I need someone. I need—I n-n-n-need?—”

“Breathe, Noah,” Tyler whispers against my neck, his lips soothing a stupid part of me that I can’t turn off. “Don’t let this break you.”

“I am though.” The tears won’t stop coming, and my eyes suddenly feel so, so heavy. “I’m broken.”

“I’ll fix you,” Ty replies softly, “We will.”

Scarlett gets impossibly closer, until her head is buried in the crook of my neck, and her body is plastered to my front. Her arm goes over Tyler’s, and we embrace for what feels like forever.

And then we sob.

Together.

All of us.

The next time I open my eyes, Scarlett is gone. It’s just Tyler and I all alone in the bed, and the door is closed. I don’t know if she did it to give us privacy or not, but I curse her. Because I shouldn’t be trusted behind a closed door with Tyler Hayes.

My best friend.

My love.

My heartbreak.

Somehow, I ended up facing him, and now as the light spills in through the blinds, I stare openly. His dark brown curls are messy, looking like someone ran their fingers through them. His slender nostrils slightly flare with his soft snores, and his deep cupid’s bow taunts me as I stare at his perfectly symmetrical lips. Everything about him is perfect. Everything about him destroys me in more ways than one. I know I should stop pining after my taken best friend, but it’s a little hard to do that when I know he feels something too.

Tyler’s crystalline blue eyes flutter open slowly, and he looks around, clearly confused. Until his eyes land on me, and he frowns. My eyes fill with tears once more, and I curse under my breath. Of course they won’t stop coming, I’ve tried. I figured there had to be a quota of tears before they dried up, but that’s clearly not the case, or I haven’t reached it.

“Noah—” Tyler whispers. “Baby…”

“Oh, fuck,” I groan, my chest suddenly tight. “I want—I need?—”

“You need me ,” he says softly, getting closer. He pulls me into him until my face is buried in his neck, in the spot where I used to fall asleep when we had sleepovers when we were younger. Back when it wasn’t weird or frowned upon. Or confusing for him. “And I’m here.”

“I’m such a fool for you,” I sob. “I miss you every minute of every day.”

A beat of silence.

Tyler tightens his arm around me. “I miss you too.”

“Look into my eyes, then,” I tell him, and he pulls back and gazes at me. He traps his bottom lip between his teeth, but it trembles anyway. “Tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll walk away.”

He shakes his head, a tear spilling over.

“Tell me you’re not in love with me,” I repeat.

“I—can’t.” He shakes his head again, more tears spilling over. “I can't lie to you.”

“Why haven’t you walked away from her?” I ask him desperately. “Why won’t you pick me?”

“I’m scared,” he snaps. “If I leave her now, we’ll ruin our friendship with her.”

“So when?” I ask through gritted teeth. “Or do you ever plan on leaving her?”

“I don’t know!” he whisper-yells. “ I don’t know .”

“Tell me you love me.” Tyler shakes his head at my words. “Be selfish, Tyler. Tell me how you really feel.”

“You want me to be selfish, Noah?” He narrows his eyes, grabbing the back of my head and pressing our foreheads together. He rolls his forehead over mine, closing his eyes as if he’s in pain. But I don’t dare close mine. I want to see the pain etched into his every feature. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this man, and I need to remember that there’s not one thing he would do for me in return. I need to remember that when the next moment of weakness comes. And yet I know I’ll be powerless to stop it because even if it’s only scraps I’ll be getting from Tyler, I’ll be hoarding every single fucking morsel. “You want me to tell you how I feel?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t breathe when I’m around you.” His lips move against mine as he speaks, and my spine tingles at the contact. “I feel this fucking uncontrollable need for you, and it takes everything inside of me to hold myself back. To keep myself from fucking up my life. It’s taking everything inside of me to not leave my life behind and throw myself at you—because there’s nothing that I want more than to be in your arms. There’s nothing I want more than to live right here.” He touches my chest, right over my heart. “And I know you’ve got so much fucking love to give me, and I’m weak, Noah. I want you—and I’m weak . I can’t stop myself when you’re here with me, and I don’t want to. I know it’s wrong, I know?—”

“Ty.” My voice breaks.

“No.” Tyler shakes his head, “Let me speak.” I nod, and he continues. “I don’t want to be with Scarlett anymore.” My eyes widen but his are still closed. And his lips still brush against mine with every word. My stomach is tight with want, with need, and I have to breathe in through my nose to keep myself from kissing him. “But I know if I leave her—if I did that—we would lose her.”

“So, what?” I scoff, trying to push him away. His grip tightens on the back of my head, and I whimper. At this, he opens his eyes. “You just want to live a lie?”

“With you, I would.” He nods once. “With you, I’d live a lie forever if that’s what it took.”

“What are you saying?”

“Be with me,” he says, and my heart stops. “ Be with me. Be mine .”

“You want to cheat on her?” I frown.

“I already have, Noah,” he sighs against my lips.

“I don’t want to share you.”

“You already are ,” he says through gritted teeth. “You share me every day. I belong to you, Noah Milner. Yet you share me with her every fucking day.”

“For how long?” I ask him with hope in my heart. Hope that one day he’ll choose me.

“Not long.”

My hand cups his cheek, and he sucks in a sharp breath. “I’d do anything for you,” I tell him. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Ty. So if you’re going to break my heart, walk away now. Because I wouldn’t survive it.”

Instead of replying, Tyler closes the remaining distance between us and presses his lips to mine softly. My eyes flutter closed of their own accord, and I part my lips as his tongue slips between them. I suck on it, and he moans, his hand tightening on the back of my neck.

And this is when I know that heartbreak is inevitable—no matter what he promises.

I’m too gone for him.

“I need you,” I groan. “Please.”

“What do you need?” he whispers. “Tell me and I’ll give it to you.”

“You,” I whisper back. “I need to taste you.”

I need a distraction.

His eyes widen in understanding, and yet, he shakes his head. “We shouldn’t. You’re vulnerable and?—”

“I want this,” I growl. “I need it. You .”

He hooks his fingers into his shorts and pulls them down. He’s wearing running shorts with built-in underwear, so as soon as he lowers them, his cock slaps against his abs.

I’ve never laid eyes on Tyler’s hard cock before, and I’m not disappointed. It’s long and thick, with a slight curve to the right. His head is shiny with pre-cum, and my mouth waters with the need to taste him. The tip is an angry red from how hard he is, and I want to put him out of his misery.

“Fuck, Tyler.” I get between his legs, spreading them, and lick the pre-cum off his slit. “Your dick is so fucking pretty.”

“Oh, fuck,” Tyler says in a groan as I take him into my mouth and suck on the head of his cock.

The musky scent of him invades my senses—all man—and I get dizzy from how much I love it. I hollow my cheeks and suck him on the way up, then relax my throat on the way down and swallow around him. He moans long and loud, and I grab his balls in my hand and squeeze them softly, kneading them.

“Noah, baby,” Tyler moans, grabbing my head with both hands and making me go even lower on his cock. My nose brushes against the trimmed hair at the base, and I inhale sharply through my nose. “That feels so good.”

My belly fills with butterflies at the term of endearment, and I double my efforts, bobbing my head up and down faster, swallowing on the way down with every pass. Soon enough he’s writhing underneath me, moaning and groaning, making the sweetest sounds. Like music to my ears.

I moan as I taste more pre-cum on my tongue.

“Yes. Yes. Yes ,” Tyler chants. “Right there, please don’t stop.”

Never .

I hollow my cheeks harder on the way up, and I feel his dick twitch in my mouth. Tyler attempts to shove me off him, but I just double my efforts again, until he’s gripping my head once more and pumping his hips in time with my rhythm.

“Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, baby,” he moans, his fingers tightening their hold on me. “Just like that. Oh, hell, I’m gonna come so fucking good. Right now. I’m gonna come. Fuuuuuck.”

His cum shoots down my throat, some of it getting on my tongue, and I love the taste of him. I swallow his load, bobbing my head up to take a deep breath, and then swallow again. When I’m done swallowing, I remove him from my mouth and put him back in his shorts. His eyes are closed, chest heaving, and a smile on his lips.

He looks so fucking beautiful.

And mine .

So fucking mine.