Cross My Heart

34. NOAH

Chapter 34

NOAH

M y hands shake on the steering wheel as I pull up to the store to get flowers for my parents. I left the house right after Tyler went into his room to get changed. Not that it mattered, I saw as he got into his truck and followed right behind me. I didn’t want him to come with me because I know I’m weak around him, and being around my parents makes it even worse. I don’t think I’ll be able to push him away when he’s being this thoughtful and supportive.

Speaking of being weak, last night when he went to sleep on the couch, I almost made the mistake of leaving my room. I was contemplating going to him . But of course that was a stupid idea, and I know that now. Hell, I knew it then too. It’s just harder to control myself when he’s in my immediate vicinity. But just thinking of Scarlett and Tyler sharing a room, a bed, makes me feral. I wanted to stake some kind of claim on him, even though I know I have no right to.

Getting out of the truck, I make sure to shut the door softly, so my side doesn’t hurt even more. It’s still early enough in the morning that the store is empty, save for a few elderly who rise with the sun. I grab the flowers quickly and pay for them, then make my way back to my truck. I got white roses for my mom—her favorite. My dad used to get them for her for their wedding anniversary every year, and she always reminded me that she didn’t like the color red.

I smile as I pull out of the parking spot at the store and get back on the road. I miss them so much it physically hurts, the ache throbbing right over my heart. The hardest part of my life right now is not having them to come back to.

The ride is quiet as I sit with my thoughts, and the closer I get to the cemetery, the more my limbs shake. I’m angry— so angry. At myself, my life, and Tyler. Especially the latter.

I should’ve gone to a hotel and stayed in Columbus for the remainder of my convalescent leave rather than coming here. After finding out Tyler didn’t leave her, I’m not even sure why I headed this way. Maybe I’m a masochist. Seeing them together has always brought me pain, but now it’s on another level. Knowing the promises he made and broke makes it so much worse. Or maybe a part of me is still waiting for him to change his mind and fulfill his promise to me—which is the stupidest thing I could even think of doing. He had six months to leave her, and he didn’t. Do I even matter to him? Does he even love me?

I wish he would’ve left her. I wish I could’ve come home to him and him alone. That we’d be together right now, starting over. The beginning of our lives. He’d be my forever, and I would’ve given him anything he’d ever wanted. The whole world at his disposal. He’d be my everything, and I’d be his. But that’s a fairytale, just as always.

Finally, I pull up to the cemetery and park. I open the truck door and jump out with the flowers, my stitches feeling like they’re pulling, and I take a deep breath. They’re dissolvable, but apparently, they’d like to stick around a little longer. Between the surgery and the chest tube, I have a lot of them. It’s no wonder I’m still taking painkillers. I’m almost out though, so here’s to hoping Ibuprofen will help instead.

Just as I walk up to my parents’ headstones, Tyler is standing in front of them waiting for me. In my haste to get here, I didn’t even see his truck, but now as I look back, I realize it’s parked next to mine. Anger flows through my veins as I look at his profile, searching for remorse, but finding none.

“You have some nerve,” I growl, but he doesn’t even move. Doesn’t acknowledge me either. Just stares straight ahead as if I’m not even there. And that pisses me off even more. Maybe I want to fight?—

I bend down next to Tyler, my stitches hurting, but I place the roses on the grass before standing by his side until our shoulders are brushing. His hand seeks mine, my skin tingling as our fingers meet, and I close my eyes and shake my head. He can’t keep doing this—confusing me further. Why is he so adamant about showing me affection now? But even as I take a step to the side, he follows, grabbing my hand.

“I miss them,” he says softly, squeezing my hand. “The holidays aren’t the same without them.”

“I miss them too,” I reply, extricating my hand from his hold. He sucks in a sharp breath at the rejection, and I look away from the headstone. Off into the distance. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. That they’re gone. I keep expecting them to call me and ask how my day was. I keep expecting my dad to tell me how proud of me he is for following in his footsteps. But he never?—”

“You know he’s proud of you, Noah,” Tyler interrupts. “He would’ve told you by now if he could’ve.”

I nod, because I do know. But it hurts that he never got to. And it hurts that I never got to hear the words. And right now?

It hurts a little more than usual.

The silence is thick between us, and it’s suffocating. I want to break it, I want to tell him I love him again, but I won’t. He finally said it to me, and I didn’t say it back this time. But I can’t. He needs to understand that it’s too much for me right now. That things between us might never be the same again.

“We should talk,” Tyler says softly, breaking the silence. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I need to explain, please.”

I shake my head, “No.”

“So that’s it?” Tyler asks me, his tone exasperated. “We’re just going to pretend now?”

“There’s no need to pretend.” I shrug. “I’ve moved on. You have too.”

Tyler nods slowly. “I told you I’d wait for you.” His voice cracks, and I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. “I promised. And I have waited for you. I’m ready to choose you.”

“ Now you’re ready to choose me?” I laugh, and he flinches. “You hurt me.”

“I’m sorry, Noah,” Tyler whispers, turning his body until we’re facing each other. His eyes are red-rimmed and filled with tears, and something cracks in my chest. “I’m so, so sorry for hurting you. I?—”

“Why didn’t you leave her?!” I roar, wrapping a hand around his throat and hauling him closer to me until we’re sharing breath. “Why didn’t you?”

Tyler’s face turns red from my hand around his neck, but he doesn’t fight me or panic. He’s the picture of calm, and that pisses me off even more. I want him to feel something. I want him to hurt just like I do.

I shove him back by his neck, and he stumbles, grabbing onto my shoulders until he just walks right back into me and grabs the back of my neck. “Please understand my position, Noah,” he begs. “I had to get everything in order. I thought I had more time.”

I nod. “So six months wasn’t long enough?”

“I thought I had nine!” he yells, his hand tightening around the back of my neck. “I thought I could break Scarlett’s heart on my time, while still doing it before you got home.”

“Congratulations, love,” I say sarcastically. “You still have her heart. Just not mine anymore.”

It’s a lie if there ever was one, and by the narrowed look in his eyes, he knows it too.

“Quit lying to my face, Noah Milner.” A shiver runs down my spine at the use of my full name, and he presses a kiss to my forehead. I nearly melt when his lips linger on my skin, and I have to close my eyes because I’m so fucking close to hauling him into me and claiming his lips with mine even when I know I shouldn’t. “Your heart will always belong to me. I’ve made sure of it.”

“Maybe,” I say. “But it doesn’t mean that I’m just going to hand it over.”

“Forgive me?” Tyler whispers, his lips traveling to my cheek, then the corner of my mouth. “Please, baby, I’ll do anything.”

“Doubtful.”

“I’m still leaving her?—”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I snap.

“Please, Noah.”

“No.” I shake my head, untangling him from me. “No.”

He stumbles a step back at the tone in my voice, and I do too. It sounds final. Like I’ll never again give him another chance, and even I know it’s a lie. But I can tell that he can’t differentiate right now, and I want to clarify, but I don’t. Instead, I turn around and walk away.

I stop halfway to the car and look over my shoulder at him, just to find him staring back at me. And because I’m weak, I consider dropping all pretenses and going back to him. I also consider forgiving him and getting it over with. But I don’t. Instead, I decide to be strong for myself and leave.

The problem is that no matter where I go, I can’t escape him.

All roads lead back to him, and I’m desperate to get there.

The house is dark when I open my eyes, the only light coming from the television. I can’t believe I fell asleep watching it. I stretch my arms over my head, just to feel the heavy weight of someone on my lap. Tyler wasn’t even home when I fell asleep, he was at work. But now he’s here, on me. And he’s not even stirring.

I lift my phone up from beside me to look at the time, and it’s three in the morning. I sigh as I use my flashlight app and point the light toward the ceiling so I can get a better look. Tyler’s head is positioned on my lap, his curls a dark halo on my light-wash jeans, and his lips are parted as he breathes in steadily. I want to feel the anger that enveloped me at the cemetery, but right now, with him this vulnerable, I can’t summon it. All I know is that I need to get myself out of this situation as soon as possible, for the sake of my broken heart.

For just one weak moment, I stare at his face. I look at his straight, narrow nose, the deep cupid’s bow that leads to the most kissable fucking lips I’ve ever had the privilege of tasting. The cleft in his chin. His curly brown hair. He has the prettiest hair, and the darkness of it is a contrast to his fair skin. He looks like a fucking doll. Just the right amount of beautiful and masculine. God, he’s so fucking beautiful it hurts.

Trying to get up from under him, I slightly lift his head from my lap. He immediately stirs, flipping over to face me and hugging my waist. I suck in a sharp breath, and his woodsy scent envelops me. “Tyler.” I shake him slightly, and his eyes open. So fucking beautiful it steals my breath away.

“What is it?” he asks groggily.

“You should probably move,” I tell him softly.

“Why?” he groans, “I’m comfortable.”

“Ty—”

“Play with my hair,” he breathes.

“No.”

“No?” Ty pouts, and it’s as adorable as it is annoying. “Please, Noah.”

I roll my eyes.

For one split second, I think of shoving him off me. But one look into his eyes has me abandoning that thought quickly. In a moment of weakness, I let my hand travel to his soft curls. My hand shakes as my fingers tangle in his hair, and my longing for him hits me square in the chest. I’ve craved him and obsessed over him for sixteen years, and just when I thought the tears had dried, I found out they hadn’t. Maybe I’ll die from all this pining. It would be a mercy.

Because I have a shred of dignity left, I withdraw my hand and set it on the couch right next to my hip. But instead of closing his eyes, Tyler just stares at me. He licks his lips, and like magnets, my eyes follow the movement.

“Are you okay, Noah?” he asks softly, “Like really?”

“Yeah.” I lie. “I’m fine.” The truth is, I’ll probably never be fine again. Knowing my friends are dead is fucking me up. Not being able to go to their funerals fucked me up. And not remembering is making everything worse.

“I can’t tell if you’re serious,” he replies, and I narrow my eyes at him.

“Tyler, I'm fine.”

“Well, I’m not,” he snaps, sitting up and turning toward me. Suddenly he’s straddling my lap, and I tense.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Please hear me out,” he says, “I need to get this off my chest.” I nod and he continues, “When those men came here to let me know you’d been shot…I thought for sure my heart was going to give out on me.”

“Don’t do this,” I whisper. “Please, Ty.”

“I can’t.” He shakes his head. “I can’t pretend like there’s nothing between us.”

“You pretended just fine when you didn’t leave her.”

His hands come to my face, cupping my cheeks, and I close my eyes. “Look at me,” he whispers. “Please, baby.”

My eyes fly open at that, and I gasp. “You can’t…”

“Fuck. Fuck . I know.” But there are tears in his eyes. “But us? Noah, I’m still leaving her.”

My stomach drops. “I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t know how to make you see the way I feel, Noah.” Tyler’s voice grows in volume, and I tense. “I thought I had more time. I just found a lawyer the week before you came home! I was getting my affairs in order. The bar. I’m sorry!”

I say nothing.

Instead, I lift him by his hips and set him on the couch next to me. Fully prepared to walk away from him, I get up and walk toward my room.

“Where the hell are you going?” Tyler growls, clearly done with me and my bullshit. I hear his footsteps hot behind me, and right before I can make it to the bedroom, he grabs my arm and pulls me toward him, then shoves my back against the wall. My stitches pull, and I wince. “We’re not done.”

I close my eyes in exasperation, my back breaking into a cold sweat. I need to get away from him or I’ll keep making mistake after mistake. I’ll be weak?—

“Please, Noah. Please,” Tyler begs, and my stomach drops. “I’m telling the truth. Don’t shut me out.”

I feel tears stinging the back of my eyes, and when I open them to look at him, I feel one betray me and trail down my cheek. Tyler kisses it away, and I melt into the wall. “You broke my heart, Ty.” My voice cracks on his name, my vocal cords strangled. “You broke my heart the way you said you wouldn’t.”

“I’m gonna fix it, Noah,” he whispers, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips. Electricity courses down my spine at the soft touch, and I inhale sharply. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m getting divorce papers ready. I promise you?—”

“Don’t promise me,” I reply with venom. “Show me.”

“I’ll show you.”

And I want to believe him.

I just also don’t know if I should.