39. NOAH
Chapter 39
NOAH
I look over at Jeremiah, and suddenly there’s a bullet between his eyes. I cry out, the pain in my chest overpowering as I’m hit once, but it’s not worse than the pain in my heart. Another shot, this time to my helmet, and I go down. Another shot, this time to the side of my chest, in my ribcage. I feel the burning pain of the bullet going through my body, escaping out of my back. I begin to choke on my blood. I can hear myself gurgling, a terrifying sound. I’m going to die. I know this.
“Noah, you’re okay!” It sounds far away, and I frown. “Noah?—”
There’s someone shaking me, and my eyes fly open. I gasp, and the pain in my chest is the throbbing reminder of what I’ve been through. My skin burns as if my brain knows exactly what I’ve been dreaming about. My breaths are fast, coming out in little pants, and I can’t seem to be able to control them.
“Breathe, Noah,” Tyler says softly against my ear, kissing my temple. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I try to focus on the way he’s breathing, but I can’t, and I panic, trying to sit up, clawing at my throat. Strong arms envelop me in a tight squeeze and pull me into a warm body. I’m suddenly the little spoon, and with his chest against my back, I try to mimic the way he’s breathing once more.
“That’s it,” Tyler praises. “Feel me, I’m right here.”
“What the fuck—” I breathe. “Fuck, fuck, fuck .”
Tyler buries his face in the crook of my neck and inhales deeply, then kisses me there. “What is it, Noah? Did you remember something?”
“Yes,” I croak out, tears stinging the back of my eyes. “Yes.”
“Tell me about it,” he pries.
“No, I can’t,” I sob, tears streaming down my face. “I can’t . I can’t think about it anymore.”
“Please, Noah,” Tyler chokes out. “I can’t see you like this. I can’t watch you be in pain.”
I take a deep breath. “I keep dreaming of how Jeremiah died.” I hold my breath. “It’s on repeat in my head.”
There’s a moment of silence, then he wraps his arm around me tighter. “What else?”
“I keep dreaming of being shot,” I reply, leaving out the gory details. “It’s as if I’m living it over and over again. It feels real. Like I can feel the pain of the bullet going inside of me.”
“I’m so, so sorry,” he whispers, and I try to relax in his hold. With his arms wrapped around me, I feel safe, and I know it’s an illusion. But I can’t help but want to relish the feeling. “You’re going to be okay, I promise. It’s going to be just fine.”
“Help me, Ty,” I beg him. “I can’t unsee it. I don’t want to live with this.”
“Noah—” Tyler’s voice shakes. “Don’t say that. I can’t lose you.”
I flip over in bed to face Ty, tears trailing down my face now, and he brushes his knuckles over my wet cheeks. Sucking in a sharp breath, Tyler shifts his hand to the back of my head and pulls me closer. Impossibly close, until our lips are brushing. I hold my breath momentarily, and just as I let it out, his lips press softly to mine. A heat wave comes over me, crashing down my spine, and butterflies invade my stomach. He pulls away quickly, too quickly, and I frown.
“I can’t lose you,” he repeats.
I can only hope the memories stop coming because everything I have remembered thus far has been fucking tragic. Jeremiah’s death will be ingrained into my brain forever. The bullet between his eyes tattooed into my memory for the rest of time.
“Come on,” he says softly. “Let’s get out of bed. I’ll make you some tea, then you’ll take your meds and go back to bed.”
I grab the comforter and wrap it around me, going straight to the backyard’s covered patio and sit on one of the rocking chairs. It’s cold out here now, but I just wrap the comforter tighter around me and exhale loudly. I need to clear my head, and I know sleep will be hard to come by now. There’s no way I’ll be able to just lie back down and close my eyes after that nightmare—that memory. I don’t want it to replay over and over again.
“Here,” Tyler murmurs as he comes into view, holding out a mug for me. “It’s hot.”
“Thanks.” But because I’m stubborn, I still bring the mug to my lips and take a small sip. It immediately burns me, and I grimace. I can taste the slight hint of honey in the chamomile tea, and I savor it. I’m not usually a tea guy, but I can’t deny it’s hitting the spot right now. Especially with the chill of the night enveloping me. “What are we doing, Ty?”
I look over at him, and his brows furrow as if he’s confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Yesterday in the shower. And the night before that in the kitchen.” I sigh. “You’re a married man, Ty. Married to my best friend.”
“Is she really your best friend though?”
“She’s been in my life for twenty-nine years,” I snap. “I don’t think it matters how long she’s hated me.”
“I know that, Noah,” Tyler says softly. “But will you let her come between us?”
“Don’t you get it, Ty?” I sigh, running a hand down my face and setting the tea on the table beside me. “I’m the one coming between both of you. I’m the odd one out. I’m a third wheel. A home-wrecker.”
“You’re none of those things,” Tyler growls. “Scarlett and I have been over for a really long time, Noah. We haven’t even fucked in six months.”
My heart squeezes and my stomach flips, and I do the math. “Does she know that?” I whisper, my voice cracking.
“She does now.”
I relax against the rocking chair, wrapping the comforter tighter around my body. The truth is, I’m relieved. Relieved that she knows now. I knew that already though. I don’t know why I needed the reassurance, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m still scared he will change his mind. That I’ll lose him for good. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. I know I’ve been mad at him, but it’s been more hurt than anger lately.
“Say something, please,” Tyler whispers, and my eyes connect with his again. There’s sorrow in them—and fear.
“I’m here, Ty,” I whisper. “I’ll always be here.”
Ty nods slowly, keeping his eyes on me he drops to his knees in front of me. He seeks my hands, grabbing them and squeezing gently. “I’ll keep choosing you over and over again—every day—for the rest of our lives. There’s no one else for me but you, Noah.”
“How do you know now?” I ask him, “How did you figure it out?”
“I’ve always known—deep down, I’ve always known it was you.” He smiles sadly. “I was just scared about what it all meant. What it said about me.”
“What it said about you?” I ask with furrowed brows.
“Leaving one best friend for the other.” He looks ashamed of himself, and I just want to wrap him up in this comforter with me and never let go. “Cheating on her. I feel like a horrible person.”
“You’re not a horrible person,” I reply, “Good people make mistakes too.”
“You have to say that because you love me.”
“Do I?” I smirk.
“You know what I mean.” Tyler rolls his eyes. “You’re my best friend.”
“I feel bad for her,” I tell Tyler in a soft tone, grabbing the mug from the table and bringing it back to my lips. The tea is still hot, and I groan as it rolls smoothly down my throat. “Regardless of it all, she has loved you for a decade. Probably longer.”
“Do you think she’s loved me as long as you have?”
“It’s hard to know.” I shrug. “I don’t know if it started as a game for her—just because I told her I wanted you. Scarlett was never all that good at sharing, and she always wanted what she couldn’t have. And I guess she got you anyway.”
Tyler looks guilty, but I don’t want him to feel that way. It’s not his fault he got caught between us in a little petty feud that should’ve never continued this long. He’s a person too, with wants and needs and feelings. And it’s easy to get caught up between two people who care deeply for you. I just hope he can understand the difference now that he’s older. I hope he can decipher his feelings for the both of us and differentiate between what’s real and what’s not.
“I wish I wouldn’t have put her between us,” he tells me, and my stomach flips. I’ve wished for that same thing numerous times, but we don’t get a do-over. And we have to live with the cards we were dealt—and with the decisions we made. “I always knew there was something there between us. I just didn’t know that I was making a huge mistake.”
“It’s okay,” I soothe him, looking down at him. He rests his head on my thigh, and I run my fingers through his curly brown hair. “What’s done is done.”
“I won’t be making the same mistakes again.”
“I know,” I reply, because somehow I do. Tyler makes eye contact with me, his eyes dilated, and I smile down at him. “We’re gonna be okay.”
“I know.” He grins. “I’m ready for this—for us. There’s no stopping me now.”
And while I love the words coming out of his mouth, it also sucks that it took him this long to see it—us. To choose me. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’d wait for Tyler Levi Hayes another lifetime if that’s what it took. I’d wait for just one night in his arms. He wouldn’t even really have to be mine when it’s over.
That’s how much I love him.
“Let’s go back to bed?” Ty asks me, and I smile. “It’s late.”
“We can’t go to bed together, Ty,” I tell him, setting the tea on the table once more. “Scarlett will be home soon.”
“I won’t stay long, I swear.”
I nod and because I’m weak, I already know I’m going to do whatever he wants. So I gather the comforter once more and wrap it tightly around my body, then make my way back to bed. Tyler follows closely behind me, and with the door open, we lie down. He’s the big spoon even though I’m larger than him, but it feels nice. It feels nice to have him hold me, to finally be in his arms the way I’ve been craving for years. The way I’ve craved for what practically has been half my life. And when he buries his face in the crook of my neck and inhales deeply, I close my eyes. I close my eyes and let sleep take me over. Slowly at first, then quickly.
Until everything goes black.
And I feel peace for once.