Cross My Heart

41. NOAH

Chapter 41

NOAH

I t’s been one day since the incident in the hallway. That’s what I’m calling it now, mostly because I don’t know how else to describe it. If I’m being honest, hearing Tyler tell Scarlett he’s in love with me was almost too much for me to bear. I’ve been waiting for those words for over half my life, and to finally hear them broke something inside of me. It took everything in my power to stay in that room as long as I did. I wanted to run out to him and beg him to be with me right now, consequences be damned. But then I realized not only was that not smart, but it would set us up for failure. He needs to get closure with his marriage. Needs to move past it on his own terms, and I need to respect that.

It’s hard to stay away though, especially now that he’s fulfilling his promise. I feel like an asshole for doubting him, but I have to remind myself that I had every right to feel fear and doubt. That he broke my heart even if he didn’t mean to.

“You’ve watched me be in love with him our whole lives.”

Those words keep playing in my mind on a loop, and it’s killing me inside to keep my distance. But now I’m here shooting the shit with Riv, and I’m staying the night, refusing to be with Scarlett and Tyler. I don’t know what’s going to happen between them, but if what happened in the hallway is any indication, lots of tears will be involved. I don’t want to be there for that, mostly because I’m torn. Sometimes I feel awful for her, probably because she’s been my friend for so long that I don’t want her to hurt. But another fucked up part of me is happy—relieved—that it’s over between them.

That’s why I have to keep my distance.

If I stayed, I don’t know how I would react to her pain. Whether I’d feel pity and try to comfort her, or whether I’d be a smug asshole. I want to be on board with Tyler and not want her to hurt, but it’s hard. I’m bitter about how the last decade has gone, and I firmly believe Ty and I would’ve been together this entire time if she hadn’t asked him out. I’d give anything for things to have played out differently, but it wasn’t my choice at the end of the day. It was up to Tyler to make a choice, and he did. I’ve just been the one to live with that choice as much as he has.

We’ve made many mistakes over the years.

Tyler has cheated on Scarlett repeatedly with me. We’ve lied. We’ve been fucked up people. But all of it has been in the name of something deeper than I’ve ever felt in my life—at least on my end. What I feel for him is something I’ve tried to fight for a long time now. I’ve tried to keep it buried. I’ve tried to be the better person. But I can’t—I can’t . And it fucking kills me. Because around him, I have no self-control.

I can’t even breathe whenever he’s gone.

And I never thought I’d live to see the day when he chose me .

She’s supposed to leave tomorrow, so I’ll show back up when she’s gone and have a serious conversation with Tyler. We need to talk this out and see where we stand. Because for me, this is life-altering. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, what I’ve been waiting for. And I’m done waiting one more second. I need to know that he’s finally mine, that I can finally be sure he and I are solid. A done deal. The real thing. But I don’t feel right doing that while Scarlett is under the same roof as us. I’m not really sure why that is anymore. It’s not like we’re ever going to be friends again—definitely not after this. Not after she believes I stole her husband when the truth is, he was never hers to begin with.

Tyler Levi Hayes has always been mine .

Heart, body, and soul.

His mind just took a little longer to catch up.

Taking a swig of my beer, I relish in the taste as I stare out at the night sky. We’re about an hour outside of the city, and the stars are shining brightly. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone camping, but River loves it, so I agreed to go. We’re sharing his tent with air mattresses, so at least it won’t be uncomfortable, and I won’t have to sleep on the ground. Not that I’m a stranger to sleeping on the ground. I just prefer not to do it if it’s not necessary. Sleeping reminds me of work, and right now, I’d do just about anything to forget anything related to it.

The nightmares have been constant, coming as soon as I close my eyes. But they’re repeated as if on a loop, the same moment over and over. It’s the image of Jeremiah dying in front of my eyes. When he was blown up, then when I dragged him under the tank to shield him from the flying bullets, only to have one go between his eyes. That haunts my waking moments too, and I find myself having to take my anxiety pill more often than not. I wish I didn’t remember anything, but I know living in ignorance is selfish. Especially to all my friends who fucking died for their country.

“Are you ever gonna talk or…?” Riv chuckles, effectively breaking me out of my thoughts. “You’re awfully quiet.”

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head, taking another drink of my beer that’s almost finished. I chug it down until I finish it, then continue, “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?” I look over at him, debating whether I should answer his question. “Wouldn't have anything to do with a pretty blue-eyed boy you’ve been in love with your whole life, would it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come on.” He huffs. “No one is that stupid. We’ve all noticed the way you look at him. Even if you’ve never told me about it.”

“There’s nothing to say,” I lie. “He’s married to someone else.”

“And yet he’s clearly in love with you too.” River smirks, as if he knows something. “Everyone knows it.”

“What do you know?” I raise an eyebrow. “How?”

“He told us all.”

“Excuse me?” I choke on my spit. “ When ?”

“When he dropped you off.” He rolls his eyes, and my stomach flips. “He said he was leaving Scarlett because he wants to be with you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh .” He chuckles. “It’s cute how you want to pretend you’re not excited right now for him telling all of us.”

I am excited but also confused. Why would he tell them that early? “Who all did he tell?”

“Everyone in the group.” He shrugs. “Cash, Luke, Austin, Brandon.”

“Holy shit.” I breathe, because that is the whole group.

“No one was surprised if you’re wondering,” he continues. “We’ve all seen how jealous he got back at the graduation party when you went upstairs with Christian. We also saw how he followed y’all.”

River raises an eyebrow, and I chuckle.

“Yeah, he was jealous,” I admit.

“Spill, bro.”

“There’s not much to it.” I shrug with a grin, feeling my cheeks heat up at the memory. “He walked in on me and Christian messing around and stayed to watch. Then he ran away, and I had to go after him.”

“Holy shit.”

“He never explained why he stayed.” I smirk. “But I knew deep down he was jealous of Christian; he just didn’t want to admit it. I don’t know why.”

“Maybe because he didn’t think he was gay?”

“I’d say he’s bisexual,” I reply, thinking hard about that night. “And I think maybe that scared him a bit. Paired with the fact that he was pissed off at me for calling the guy baby, it’s safe to say maybe he was having a crisis.”

“That makes sense.” He chuckles. “Be honest. Did anything ever happen between y’all?”

I swallow hard, leaning over to grab another beer from the cooler. I open the can and take a long gulp. “Yeah.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

“I mean, what do you want me to say?” I sigh. “He cheated on Scarlett over the years. It was wrong of us.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“Yes.” I nod. “But I took him in the only way I could.”

“Why do you think it took him this long to break things off with her?”

That’s a fair question, though totally my fault. I can’t blame Tyler when I got cold feet repeatedly. “I told him not to.”

“You what ?” he gasps. “Why would you do that?”

“I wanted him to have a real life.” I shrug, taking another sip of my beer. “And I was scared he would change his mind about us. I don’t think I could’ve recovered from that heartbreak.”

“That makes sense.” He nods, leaning back in his chair. He scratches his short beard, looking up at the stars. “So what changed?”

“He didn’t take no for an answer anymore.”

“Oh, fuck.” He laughs. “It’s about damn time.”

“He said he promised he’d leave Scarlett, and he’s actually doing it. Who am I to argue with that? If he says he wants me, I’m not going to refuse him. I’ve been waiting for this moment for sixteen years.”

“Fucking hell, Noah.” I look up at the night sky too now as he speaks. “That’s a long time to love someone and not be reciprocated.”

“But you see…” I smile sadly. “He reciprocated it all along, and I knew that deep down. He kept coming back over and over, no matter what happened with Scarlett. I should’ve been brave. I should’ve put myself out of my misery and begged him to leave her. I don’t know why I was trying to be a good person for her. It didn’t matter back then when he was under me.”

“Did you fuck him?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I think that’s the one line we silently agreed we wouldn’t cross while he was still with her.”

I look over at River, and he’s staring at me with one raised brow. “And all the other shit didn’t qualify as cheating?”

“It did.” I laugh, but deep down I feel guilt gnawing at my insides. “But fucking would’ve made it even worse. And she knew about his cheating, she just chose to look past it. She saw us. She told me, and when they got married, she was smug as fuck about it. Like she won.”

“Wow.” He breathes. “Have you apologized to her? I think you need to.”

I’m silent, then say, “I know.”

The joke has been on me the entire time though. Longing for someone I couldn’t have. And now that I can finally have him, it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I just need to get out of my head and love him. It shouldn’t be that hard.

Loving him has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done.