Cross My Heart

42. TYLER

Chapter 42

TYLER

N ot only is our marriage over, but our friendship is too. That’s what hurts the most, sixteen years of friendship down the drain because I made stupid choices. I can’t even be mad at her for feeling the way she does. She knows what I’ve done behind her back even if she doesn’t say it, and now that I’m leaving her for our other best friend, I know there’s no way in hell I can salvage my friendship with her. It’ll be too painful for her, and I don’t want to keep hurting her.

We sat on the couch all night and cried together. We cried for the years of friendship lost, for the love we had for each other, and for the years I fucked up. The betrayal, the lies, the fucking unforgivable things I did to her. I cried right along with her, feeling like the biggest piece of shit.

If only I could explain to her that I never meant to hurt her. That what Noah and I have is different, inevitable. I need him like I need air in my lungs, and without him, I feel like I’m dying. I’m nothing—no one. A shell of myself. And I have found that out the hard way over the years. Always longing for him, missing him, craving him. I’ve known since the first day I met him that he was it for me, but then she came along, and I fell hard for her too.

Falling in love with both of my best friends was confusing, but the difference is that Noah didn’t make a move until I was already with Scarlett. And then he left me like nothing ever happened. I could’ve broken up with her, could’ve taken him up on his offer to come with him. But I was scared—terrified—to take the leap of faith. What if it didn’t work out? What I had with Scar was a sure thing—it was easy. And of course it was, I’d known her for so long. We were best friends. But Noah and I were too, and looking back, I made the biggest mistake by not going with him.

Do I regret my years with Scarlett? I can’t say that I do. We made some beautiful memories together. We were in love. And that’s the worst part, that even when I was in love with her, my love for him was clearly stronger. Now all that’s left with her are broken hearts and tainted memories. We brought out the worst in each other, which was my fault, and I take full accountability for my actions. If I hadn’t fucked up, we’d be deep in love still. We’d probably have it all—the house with the white picket fence, the kids. Once upon a time, those were our dreams. But like my growing love for Noah, everything changed in me.

I don’t exactly know the moment I fell out of love with Scarlett. I think it was somewhere between twenty and twenty-five years old. Which was way before we got married, but Noah wasn’t sure about me like I thought he would be. He was too scared of me, of my feelings, of what it all meant. He was too scared to lose our friendship. All we had were stolen moments together—stolen moments that meant the world to me.

And yet I still married her.

Out of some stupid sense of loyalty.

I regret it every single day.

What I did to her, what I did to him, what I did to all of us. As individuals, as a whole, and as best friends. I fucking broke us apart, I did that. And it was never my intention. No amount of excuses will fix what I broke, and I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I don’t deserve absolution. I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Now I’m here, watching her pack a suitcase. She’s on top of it, trying to close it to no avail. It’s too full, and she’s sobbing on top of it, about to give up. So I get up from my spot on the bed and help her, closing the suitcase with some effort. She kneels on the floor, her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking. My heart cracks a little more in my chest, and a knot forms in my throat. I hate seeing her this way—broken, absolutely defeated.

“Scar,” I choke out. “I’m sorry, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m still so, so sorry.”

She nods, whispering, “I know.”

“Can I at least walk you to your car?”

“Yeah.” She chokes on a sob. “I need help with my stuff anyway.”

I nod, grabbing her suitcase and wheeling it toward the entrance. I get the keys that are hanging from the key holder and unlock her car, popping her trunk open with the little remote. She stays behind as I load her stuff into her car. She just watches me from the doorway, leaning against it.

Tears stream down my face as I close the trunk and make my way back to her, and then I wrap her up in a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. She smells like her shampoo, like strawberries, and I close my eyes and inhale deeply. I’m never going to smell it again, and it’s sad.

“I love you, Scar,” I whisper, sobbing against her hair, holding her tighter. “Please, please don’t forget that.”

“I hope you’re happy with him.” She swallows hard, more tears streaming down her face. “I hope you have the best life with him. I still wish you nothing but the best, Ty.”

“Maybe one day—” I breathe in deeply, knowing what I’m saying is stupid, that she’ll never agree to it. “Maybe one day you can forgive me—us—and we can be friends again.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “You taught me a lesson too. To never allow my life to go by like that ever again. To never accept anything less than what is best for me. And you’re not what’s best for me.”

“I understand,” I choke out. “I get it.”

“Goodbye, Tyler.” She kisses my cheek softly, cupping my face and wiping tears away with her thumbs. “Have a nice life.”

“You too,” I tell her, pulling her back in for one last hug.

Scarlett holds me tightly, and at this moment, I don’t want to let her go. Not because I’m in love with her, but because I’m losing a fundamental part of me—forever. I’ll never have the comfort she provides again. I’ll never share laughs with my best friend in the middle of the night. I’ll never be able to give her everything she ever wanted. All of her goals and dreams are now broken, and the guilt I feel is eating me alive.

Just as we’re pulling away, Noah parks his truck in the driveway. I sigh, Scarlett stiffens, and I can see Noah leaning back in his seat, waiting for us to be done saying goodbye.

“I’m gonna go now,” Scarlett mutters, and I nod even though she can’t see me.

She walks away from me, and Noah gets out of his car, heading my way. Just before he can move past her, she stands in front of him, blocking his way. They have a momentary stare down, and suddenly her hand whips up and she slaps him across the face. His head snaps to the side, and when he looks at her again, he doesn’t look regretful anymore. He looks furious.

Noah looks down at his feet as she walks past him and gets in her car, and there’s a thick silence between us as she pulls out of the driveway. It’s not until she’s gone that he looks up again, his eyes full of pain.

I turn on my heel and walk away, leaving the door open for him, and going straight to my room. I hear hurried footsteps behind me, the door slamming closed as he comes after me. But I wish he wasn’t here. I don’t want him to witness my pain. He’s going to take it the wrong way. I just need to cry this out so I can move on.

I shut the door behind me and fall to my knees next to the bed, burying my face into the mattress. My tears fall fast and hot, soaking into the sheets, and my shoulders shake with the force of my sobs. There’s incessant knocking at the door, but I ignore it.

“Tyler, please let me in,” Noah says softly.

“No,” I reply, my voice hoarse and gravelly. “I need to be alone right now.”

“That’s the last thing you need,” he snaps, and my body trembles. I can’t have him in here while I fall apart. I just can’t let him see me like this. It hurts too much. “I’m coming in.”

I stiffen as the door opens behind me, but instead of saying anything, I just take some deep breaths, trying to calm down. I wipe my tears away and watch as he sits behind me. Noah grips my hips and turns me around, hauling me onto his lap, and the tears fall again, this time faster than they were before. My nose is runny, and I can’t breathe, but when he grabs the back of my head and brings my head down to his shoulder, I go willingly. He holds me tightly as I continue to fall apart, and it’s soothing me more than I want to admit. It’s healing a part of me that doesn’t deserve to be healed.

“It’s okay to cry,” he whispers, kissing my head. “You’re allowed to be sad. You spent a decade with her.”

“I’m—” I hiccup. “I did her so wrong, Noah. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“I know.”

“She was my best friend, and I’ll never have that again.”

One for all, and all for one. But that will never be true again. Now it’s just Noah and I, and I should be happy. I finally got what I wanted. But it still hurts, and I don’t know that it will ever stop hurting.

“She’ll come around,” he whispers. “She loves you too.”

“You didn’t see her, Noah.” I shake my head, and his hand comes to my back, rubbing in soothing circles. “She’s done with me. She told me to have a nice life.”

Noah nods slowly, his hand stopping on my back. “Maybe. But we can’t fix anything, baby. Now we have to live with it.”

“I know,” I cry out, feeling my heart squeeze in my chest. “It just hurts.”

“You’re allowed to feel this.” He reassures me, and I pull back, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. Leaning back, I look at his face. He looks almost as sad as I feel, and I know he’s affected too. “I’ll be here the whole way.”

I nod. “Thank you.”

That’s all I say when what I really want to say is:

I love you, Noah Milner. It will always be us, until we’re old and gray, in sickness and in health, I’ll always be yours.

But I can’t say that yet.

Not like this.

So I keep it to myself.