Die For Me (The Consumed Series Book 2)

Hana

I found myself walking toward the train station, not really sure of my destination. Where was home? I didn’t know Cobble Hill all that well, but I knew the L train would take me where I needed to go.

I felt hopeless and broken. I hardly recognized myself as I watched my reflection in the subway windows as it traveled through the tunnel. Since when did life become so hard? I dreaded every day because I didn’t know what to expect. Before all of this, when I was with Michael, life was predictable. I felt safe and secure. Would I still feel that way if I chose him now? I used to think he was perfect, which was intimidating. I didn’t feel 100% myself around him. But now? My perfect Michael was flawed. Very flawed. Was that a good thing?

Things were the exact opposite with Jack. We didn’t exactly start our relationship in the most ideal way, but being with him was exhilarating. Even though I knew the darkness in him was easily switched on and off, I felt connected to him. I literally felt a sting in my chest when I thought about being without him.

I didn’t realize I had missed my stop until I heard the automated announcement of the Bedford Ave stop. I mindlessly exited the station and walked toward mine and Billie’s old apartment. The lease didn’t run out until June, so I figured she would still be there. I sent her my portion of rent and bills every month, probably way too much. But I never heard a peep from her.

The codes to get in were the same. I walked into the lobby and up the stairs until I reached our apartment. It felt surreal knocking on my own door. I still had a key, but I didn’t want to intrude. I heard some shuffling around before the door opened. It wasn’t Billie—a gorgeous blonde with blue tips answered, smiling at me with wide eyes. She appeared to be in her pajamas, looking right at home.

“Hana?” she asked me with knowing eyes.

I must have looked like a deer in headlights.

She laughed lightly. “Sorry. I’m Billie’s roommate. I’ve seen pictures of you around here.” She turned to look at the apartment then back at me. “Come on in. Billie’s still up. I’m sure she’d love to see you,” she suggested.

I looked around. The place was exactly how I remembered it. Billie and I had decorated it ourselves. I felt a pang of jealousy as Billie’s new roommate sat comfortably on the couch.

“Um, sorry. How exactly did you meet Billie?” I asked, awkwardly standing at the foot of the couch.

She hesitated for a split second, tugging her long sleeves further down to her hands and fiddling with a ring on her right hand.

“We have mutual friends.” She adjusted her body to put her legs up on the couch. “You know, I thought you and Billie weren’t on great terms.” She lifted her eyebrow knowingly.

I crossed my arms. “Billie and I will always be friends,” I argued, not even sure why I felt the need to defend myself. “Excuse me.”

I turned and went directly to Billie’s room, lightly tapping on the door. After a few seconds, she opened the door; I had never seen her look so shocked before.

“Fuck, you were not what I was expecting.” She laughed, widening her eyes.

I froze. Shit, this was a bad idea. But then she quickly wrapped her arms around me and gave me the longest hug; relief flooded through my body, loosening my limbs. I didn’t even realize how tense I was.

She let go of me and kept her hand on my shoulder. “Come on.” She gestured into her room.

I crossed my arms as I entered her room. I instantly felt like I was home as Billie sat on her bed and eyed me while I casually paced her room.

“I’m sorry for barging in so late,” I started. “I just…I didn’t really know where else to go.”

Billie immediately frowned. “What’s going on?”

I sighed as I shook my head. “Where do I even start?” I asked, more to myself than to her, as I looked down at the floor, still pacing nervously.

“Why don’t you sit and relax and start whenever you’re ready,” Billie offered, her tone gentle and caring.

I nodded and quickly sat down next to her on the bed.

“Michael and I…and Jack,” I started then began to laugh. “I’m making them share me. But they both hate it and they both fucking hate each other. And I’m so fucking selfish and idiotic for even thinking this could work out.”

Billie was quiet as she took it all in. “So let me get this straight. You’re in a poly relationship with Michael and Jack? Since when?” she asked calmly, no hint of judgment in her voice.

I sighed. “I wouldn’t exactly call it poly. I’m basically forcing them to share me. And you don’t even want to know what Michael did.” I put my face in my hands, the shame and guilt overwhelming me.

“I’m all ears, Han,” she finally responded.

I looked up at her and shook my head. “I can’t drag you into this again, Billie. You don’t deserve to be caught up in this mess. You were right to cut me off before.” I started to cry as Billie watched me with concern and her knowing, caring eyes.

“You don’t need to give me all the dirty details if you don’t want to, Han. But I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. You are never, ever alone.”

With that, I began to sob, and Billie swiftly took me into her arms and held me, letting me get everything out. There had been so much tension between Jack and Michael, so much worrying that one of them would snap on the other. There was a sense of impending doom that neither of them would be able to take it and just off themselves, each other, or me. I had the sense that they would call my bluff; if one of them took me again, I don’t know if I’d really kill myself. I was almost hoping that one of them would do it anyway so I wouldn’t have to choose anymore.

I needed time to reflect by myself, or at least without them there, but I knew they were both too damn needy and impatient to let me do that. After crying on Billie for what felt like hours, I texted both of them to let them know I was staying with Billie and I would be back the next day. She didn’t poke and prod for answers or information; she quietly lay next to me, stroking my hair until I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

Billie was gone by the time I woke up. She left a note on the nightstand letting me know she was at work and to stay as long as I needed to. I also had several texts from Michael and Jack. They both acknowledged that they wanted to give me space, but they couldn’t stand to have me gone for very long. Jack sent me a picture of himself at our apartment, his big blue doe eyes sad as he held onto my pillow. I smiled and rolled my eyes. And then I received a text from Michael as I held my phone in my hand: Hana, please give us another try. I’m sorry we were both acting like children. I spoke with Jack and he’s agreed that we should all meet back at the apartment.

I immediately dialed Jack, almost not believing Michael.

“Hello, love,” Jack answered excitedly.

“Hey, babe. Michael said you agreed that we should all meet back at the apartment?”

Jack hesitated for a moment before he spoke. “Yes. I know I feel awful about bickering with him when all you wanted was a nice night. We really need to try harder. For you, love,” he explained, his voice so soft and sweet.

For a split second, I thought maybe things could work after all.

“Come home to me, sweetheart. We can go to Michael’s together.”

I smiled to myself. “Okay.” I nodded, as if he could see me.

“Hurry home. It’s been too long since I’ve been inside of you, my darling wife,” he growled into the phone.

I was instantly wet. “I’ll leave now.”

I put on my shoes and jacket before I opened Billie’s door and found her roommate lounging on the couch, looking up at me intently.

“Good morning,” she said sweetly as she smiled.

Her voice was raspy and gravelly, as if she had been smoking or crying all night. I wasn’t sure if she sounded like that last night, or if I just didn’t notice it because of how distraught I was.

“Hey, good morning.” I smiled back, heading for the front door.

“Um, hey, Hana?” She stood and slowly walked toward me as I stopped and turned around.

“I need to tell you something about Michael.” Wait, what? “My name is Jackie.”

My heart dropped. My hands shook as I clutched my purse, my heart racing wildly in my chest. Jackie…Michael’s ex. The woman that accused him of such horrible things. Why is she here? What is going on?

“You’re…Jackie,” I said knowingly.

It was not lost on me that Jackie probably sought out Billie to get closer to me. The thought of her pretending to know nothing about me made my stomach curl. Maybe she even knew too much now.

“So you’ve heard of me.” She smiled, stopping in front of me and observing my face.

I nodded.

“I was supposed to approach you at the Bowery next week, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Especially since you just showed up here,” she explained as her eyes began to fill with tears.

“You were going to the show?” I asked, confused.

She nodded, fidgeting with her ring again. I now realized it was exactly the same as the one Michael had given me.

“Jack asked me to approach you there,” she explained.

So Jack spoke to her too?

“Why did he want you to approach me?” I interrogated, almost angry at Jack now. Why the fuck would he want me to see Jackie?

She looked down at the floor and tugged on her sleeve. “Like I said, I need to tell you something about Michael.”

Please don’t. Please don’t tell me. It can’t be true.

My knees buckled and my heart broke as she lifted her sleeves then her shirt. And at that moment, I knew I had fallen out of love with Michael.