Edge of Desire

Chapter 20

Preston

She was fast, I’ll give her that. I didn’t expect her to leap out of the car. She was also smart because she knew damn well I wouldn’t be able to chase her. Well, she’d done it, made her getaway from me. And it was fucking killing me. I deserved every single kick in the ass I got, but nevertheless, every one of them felt lethal. And it wasn’t just my ass that was feeling it. Seriously, I wished she had shot me with that damn gun I’d given her. It would’ve been a hell of a lot easier than this fucking agony I was living through.

The cabin was the only place to go, but it was a living hell for me. Once I got there, I threw my stuff in a couple of duffle bags and hit the road. I made sure the place was cleaned and locked down for the winter, because there was no way I’d be back there anytime soon. Too many memories, and that was the truth. What the fuck had I been thinking? That she’d roll over and say, “Oh, Preston, I just love you so much, it doesn’t matter that you conjured up the biggest fucking lie I’ve ever heard.”

Christ. I threw away the greatest, most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me. And why? Because I’m a fucking manipulating pussy. That’s why. I couldn’t wait and let things play out on their own, the way they’re supposed to. I had to go and take advantage of things, turn them into something they weren’t. And God, I had hurt her, so damn much. My arm flew out before I even thought about what I was doing, and punched the dashboard of the car. Hearing the bones crunch and then feeling the pain searing through my hand, I was sure it was broken. At least it was a diversion from the torment I was experiencing in the rest of my body.

I decided it was a good thing Justin was an orthopedist, because by the time I got to Seattle, I was positive my hand would resemble a balloon. I drove the ten and a half hours straight, only stopping to get gas and use the restroom. Sixteen hundred milligrams of ibuprofen held me until I could see a doctor. My hand was already purple, and I couldn’t bend any of my fingers. Bad news on the hand front. Served me right though.

It was six in the morning when I hit the buzzer on Caroline’s gate. It took a few minutes for anyone to answer, but I eventually heard Justin’s voice right before the gate slid open.

One look at my hand and he had me in his car on the way to the hospital to get it fixed.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” I answered. “I fucked up, Justin. Really bad. I ... oh hell.” I couldn’t stop my leg from bouncing up and down.

“You gonna tell me about it? I know it has to do with Ava.”

“Has she called?” I almost jumped right out of my seat and straight into his.

“No and calm your ass down. What the hell happened between you two?”

“Oh, God. I ruined everything. Everything. ’Cause I’m so damned selfish and stupid.”

“Is that why your hand is broken?”

“You might say.”

“Can you walk?” he asked as he pulled into the doctors’ parking lot.

Why’d he ask me that? It was my hand, not my leg. And my heart, but that wouldn’t prevent me from walking. “Yeah.” I got out and followed him inside. He led me straight to X-ray where they confirmed that my hand was crunched up.

They were going to do surgery to repair all the damage.

“You gonna do it?” I asked him.

“Nope, I’m sitting this one out. We don’t operate on family. You’ll have one of my team though.”

It all happened so fast. One minute we were talking and the next I was being wheeled into surgery. It was a relatively quick repair and nothing too dramatic, or so they said.

My hand hurt like hell for a couple of weeks, but then it began to ease up. The thing about it was the pain in my hand temporarily kept my mind off the anguish in my heart. As soon as it started getting better, that crushing misery hit again, and I wanted to fucking die.

We were sitting at the bar in the kitchen when she popped the question I’d been dreading. “So, are you ever gonna tell us what happened?” Caroline asked me.

For whatever reason, ever since Avery left, my legs couldn’t stop pumping up and down whenever I sat. It was constant motion. “I can’t talk about it yet.” Up and down, up and down, up and down.

Caroline reached out a hand and put it on my leg. “Preston, I’ve never seen you like this.”

“That’s because I’ve never been like this. I’m so fucking empty inside. Do you remember when you died as Terri? And you thought you’d never see Justin again?”

She blew out her breath and said, “How can I ever forget that?”

“That’s how I must feel now.”

“Oh, God, Preston. What the hell happened? Let me help you.”

“I lied to her for weeks. Never told her we were safe. I led her to believe we were still in danger. She knows everything about us, that you’re my sister and the truth about what happened back in Charleston.But I fell in love with her, and I was so afraid of losing her that I lied and lived that lie for so long. And then it became nearly impossible to tell her the truth. I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t think, I don’t know. Ugh!” I grabbed a handful of my hair and just yanked it.

“So now she knows the truth and has lost all trust in you.”

“Yes! I hurt her. Caroline, you should’ve seen her face when I told her the truth. It was like I turned off all the lights in her soul. Everything dimmed. That sparkle in her eyes died. It kills me to even think about it.”

“Have you tried to talk to her?”

I gave her a look that spoke a hell of a lot more than anything I could’ve said.

“Yeah, right. Okay, stupid question.”

“I’ve lost her and now I don’t give a fuck about what happens to me. She meant everything to me. She accepted me for all that I was and all that I am. And what did I do? I lied and destroyed her trust in me.”

Caroline was silent for a few minutes. “Then, you’ll have to earn it back.”

“Seriously. You did not see her face. Ain’t gonna happen.”

“So, where did she go?”

I actually chuckled a little. “She pulled a fast one on me at the airport and hopped out of the car at a red light so I couldn’t follow her. I don’t know where she is now.”

“Oh, come on, Preston. How hard would it be for you to find her?”

“Not very.”

“Then do it.”

“No. I can’t do that to her. She knows how to find me if she wants. Through you. I won’t intrude where I’m not wanted.”

She narrowed her eyes and said, “Then you’re the biggest dumbass I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

I stared back at her, not having an adequate response. I already knew that, but not for the reason she was telling me.

“Well?” she asked.

“I can’t disagree.”

“Idiot. You’re missing the point.”

She got up and poured herself another cup of coffee. “You want another one?”

I shook my head. The last thing I needed was more caffeine. I was so damn jacked up as it was, adding to it wouldn’t help a bit.

Caroline sat back down and looked at me. “You remember when I thought I’d lost Justin forever?”

“Yeah.”

“I fell in that black hole and let it consume me for months. When I finally resurfaced and things began to brighten again, I realized there weren’t many things in my life that were important when compared to loving someone. When I went into witness protection, I knew it was all for the right reasons. You did it because you had no other choice. But there were times when I thought if Justin’s life hadn’t been in danger, I would gladly have died than go through life without him. Keeping him safe though, was number one. That’s how I made it through. I never thought I’d end up with him. You know that. When I left to go and say my final goodbye to him, I figured I would eventually end up somewhere on the West Coast, living day to day and growing old alone. What I’m telling you is that you are the biggest fool ever if you think you can just walk away and let her go. If you love her like I think you do, you better get off your ass and find her. Do whatever it takes to win her back. Even if it takes years. Wouldn’t it be worth it? Prove to her that you’re really not a shit? No, it won’t be easy. You’ll have to do some serious groveling, I’m sure. But damn, Preston, isn’t she worth it?”

“I would give everything I have to be able to look into her eyes once again, and not see that god-awful pain radiating from them. Of course, she’s worth it. I’m calling Pete and quitting my job. This DEA shit has ruined my life. Literally. And not only mine but yours, Justin’s, Mom’s and ...” I put my head in my hands and groaned.

Caroline put her hand on my back, and I flinched.

“I’m sorry. I forgot,” she said as she quickly withdrew her hand.

“You know something? She could touch me, Caroline. Everywhere. And I told her everything. All the nasty, despicable details. Things you can’t possibly imagine. And she still accepted me even with all my tragically fucked-up flaws.”

“We all have flaws, Preston.”

“Not the kind I have.” I rose to my feet.

“So, what are your plans?”

“I need to get this hand taken care of and then I have a girl I am going to do my best to win back.”

Pete Kowalski gawked at me like there was another head sitting on my shoulders.

“It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”

“I don’t care how it works, Pete. I’m out.”

“You can’t just quit.”

“Watch me. This whole job has been an abomination from the start. It’s ruined everything in my life and most of what I’ve touched. It’s like a fucking cancer that’s spread and now it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even carry on a normal relationship. I’ve fucked everything up to the point of no return and I’ve had it. I’m out.”

Pete expelled a long breath. “Look, man, you know how it works. You were warned from the beginning.”

“Yeah, and I’ve finally reached my limit. I’m done.” I made a slicing motion across my neck.

“You’re never done,” he said, his voice laced with exasperation. “The baddies will always find you, and then what will you do? You’ll be out on your own with no one to protect you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Preston, listen to me, man. It. Doesn’t. Work. That. Way.”

He was right. I knew it but didn’t want to accept it. I wanted normal. Now. I wanted Avery. Now. I wanted everything that was impossibly out of reach. Now.

“Fuck!” I yelled. “So now what? I want out of every undercover op. Cut me loose. I don’t want this life anymore.”

“Okay, I got that. We can make arrangements. But here’s the thing. They know who you are. Your name’s out there. It scares me to have you out on your own. You need to have protection, man. You know I’m right.”

“I need a leave of absence.” I stood up and walked over to the window. I was at EPIC, El Paso Intelligence Center, where the DEA intelligence activities took place. I’d flown in last night and requested a meeting with Pete and his superiors. Pete talked me out of it and suggested he and I have a chat first. That’s what we were doing right now.

“You gonna tell me what all this is about? I mean, you and I go way back, and I’ve never seen you like this.”

I spilled my guts. We were great friends and had been for almost the entire time I’d worked for the DEA. We met in training and kept getting assigned to the same teams. Then I went off the grid undercover and Pete led my team from the inside. He was A-number-one and I trusted him.

He squeezed my shoulder when I was done talking.

“You know that relationships and this kind of work don’t really go hand in hand, right?”

I gave him a withering look.

“Okay! Okay. Look, you’ve also said you’ve blown it with her, right?”

“Are you trying to piss me off or what?”

“I’m trying to make you see the error of what you’re attempting.”

“Pete, what I’m attempting is to live the next half of my life as normal as possible. For the last thirteen years, I’ve lived on the streets, dodged bullets, acted like I was a heroin addict, been to prison, been raped dozens of times ...” I stopped at the expression of shock on Pete’s face. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes and then I felt a rage exploding within me. “What? Did you think I was in fucking Maui having a jolly vacation or something? Let me show you a thing or two.”

I lifted my shirt so he could see all the tattoos. “See all these? You need to take a closer look. They cover up the scars of what was done to me in there. You guys have some misconception that I came out unscathed. Think again, man. Not only am I scarred on the outside, but you can’t imagine how fucked up I am in here.” I tapped my temple for emphasis.

He stared at me for a few moments, and when he tried to speak, his voice was raw with emotion. “I didn’t know.”

“Did you ever bother to ask?” My question was posed in a whisper. “I spent more time in the infirmary than I care to recollect. Thing about it is, I knew when I was in there, I’d have even more hell waiting for me when I was returned to my cell.”

“Fuck.”

“You got that part right. But not where you’d want it. Sorry I’m being crude, but it’s the damn truth. Now, what do you propose for me? I want out of this nightmare of a circus I’m in.”

“Let’s work on that leave of absence. How long and you’ll need to have protection around you, or nearby anyway.”

“A year. I need to find Avery and then win her back. After that, I’m out. I’m serious, Pete. Unless you guys can promise me a nine-to-five, I’m out.”

“Who are you trying to fool? You? Behind a desk? Nine to five? As if.”

“I’ll do anything if I get her back, but I won’t be undercover anymore, risking her life or mine. You got that? And if something can’t be worked out to please her, I’ll fucking quit. I don’t need the money. You ought to know that.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“No, Pete. It’s this or I walk today. I’ll be in the wind, and you’ll never find me.”

“But they will, and your body will turn up one day.”

“You think I care about that? If I don’t have Avery, that means shit to me.”

“But what if you do have Avery and hers turns up right along with yours?”

That caught my attention like nothing else. “Okay, you got me there. Do what you can, but I want at least one year and no assignments. I’ll decide where and what I’m gonna do after that.”

Before I left EPIC, I went to the intel center to log in to their computer system. I had top-level clearance, giving me access to all airline manifests. It didn’t take long to track where Avery landed. Following her credit card trail was easy. Every charge she made popped up on the screen, so I was able to see her movements. Her final destination had been Vail. That’s what Justin had predicted. It’s where her love for the mountains began as a four-year-old, so he figured she’d go there to soothe her soul.

She must’ve been planning to stay there awhile because she’d gotten a job and rented an apartment. That eased my mind because now I didn’t have to worry about her wandering around aimlessly without anyone to keep her company.

That night after checking into my hotel, I went for a long run to clear my head. I now had Avery’s cell phone number. It would be easy for me to track her by GPS. Knowing that was the last thing she wanted, I wouldn’t do that unless I became worried about her. With all the information I had, it would be exceedingly difficult to stay away, but I knew I had no other choice.

Sleep evaded me that night, like it had for most other nights. The visions of her were so real I’d jolt when I felt her hand slide across my chest. I thought prison was the worst torture a man could endure. I had been terribly wrong. This was surely a million times worse. I would rather someone beat me to a bloody pulp than endure this kind of anguish night after night, knowing what I wanted so badly, would never be mine again.

Pete and I met for breakfast in the EPIC cafe at eight the next morning.

“You got what you asked for. Before you leave today, make sure you have everything you need. Once your leave is official, you’re off the clock. That means no clearance for anything. Understand?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “but that’s what I have you for.”

He laughed too and replied, “Well, you may find your ass in a sling if you can’t reach me. You know I’ll still be running missions.”

“I have other connections, you know.”

“True, but some of those connections scare the piss out of me.”

“As they should, but they’ve saved my ass a time or two.”

“All kidding aside. Is there anything you need from us here?”

“No. All’s good.” I grinned at him.

“I hear ya. Do me a favor though, will you? When you hack into our system, don’t leave any footprints, okay?”

“No worries there. I do need a big favor from you though.”

“Anything.”

“Keep a tight eye on Caroline and Justin. If anything ever happened to either one of them ...” I got choked up and couldn’t go on. My throat burned with emotion.

“Hey, you know they’re on constant protection with us, right? The U.S. Marshals have them covered too.”

“Yeah, but I need trusted eyes on them, Pete.”

“Hey, I got it covered, man. No worries.”

“Thanks.”

We finished up and I looked at Pete and said, “I owe you.”

“I hardly think so. We owe you, Preston. Go and get your girl back. I hope the wind is at your back.”