Estranged Heart

Twenty-five

Elijah

I’m adding change to one of the drawers when the door swings open. I look up, ready to greet a customer when I’m taken by surprise by the person smiling at me. Jessa and I have only exchanged short conversations over the phone since the day of the funeral.

“Look at this place, Eli. It’s really something. Landon would be so damn proud. Hell, I’m proud. You really look like you belong here.”

“I feel like I do.” I step around the counter. “It’s good to see you.”

“Is it? It’s been a while, and I was worried until I saw you at Mabel’s Bakery holding hands with some guy. New friend of yours?”

My face heats and I shove my hands in my jeans. “I’m not really sure what we are yet. He sorta came outta nowhere.”

“Well, whatever the case, I think he’s good for you. You’re bathing and you look like you’re sleeping again.”

“I don’t know.” I lean back on the counter, looking away from her, and she steps forward, tugging at my face.

“I do. Landon would have wanted you to be happy, you know. He would have hated being the one responsible for making you so down in the dumps. You know he would.” Her hand drops and her lips lift into a gentle smile.

“Yeah, but with someone else, and so soon? I don’t know. It’s hard to not feel at least a little guilt over it, but I shrug it off when I’m with him because being together just feels so damn good.”

“You loved Landon more than anything in this world. He knows that. I know that. You finding happiness with someone else will never erase that, and there’s never a time limit on these things.”

“Shouldn’t there be?”

“Not when it has to do with you finding joy in life again. Before, you could barely step foot in this place, and now you’re fully in your element.”

“He makes being here not so bad, and I find myself thinking more of happy times when I walk in here. I thought I’d only feel that with Landon. There was never supposed to be someone else.”

“I know, Eli. But so many events take place in our lives that aren’t supposed to happen. Neither of us were ‘supposed to’ ever stand here speaking of Landon in the past tense either. It does neither of us any good torturing ourselves with all the ‘supposed tos.’ We’ll still land where we are now either way. Do you think if the roles were reversed, you’d want Landon to hold back on life?”

“No, of course not. I’d want him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. I’d want him to take the good anytime he had the chance to have it again, but this is different.”

“Why?”

“Because it is.” I take a breath. “You see, he’s married.”

Her eyes round. “Wait. You two are having an affair? Who have you even become? This is the man who wouldn’t keep a five-dollar bill he found on the street.”

“I know, it’s crazy. And I don’t know how to explain why it was so easy for me to break my moral code with him, other than that we both needed to escape from something and could only find that peace with each other.”

“So his wife or husband—”

“Wife, and she knows. They’re no longer living together. There were problems in their marriage way before we met and I’m not the main reason he’s leaving. I think he’d eventually have ended up going through with it whether I came along or not.”

“Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that curve ball.” She averts her gaze, placing her hands on her hips, and her eyes tilt toward the floor.

“I know. I’m a terrible human being and that’s not the only bad part of this.”

“It’s not? Don’t tell me he’s in a relationship with a second person or has a child on the way.”

I release a strained laugh. “No. None of that. He’s married to one of Landon’s employees, but I didn’t really connect it all until he showed up at the restaurant to take her to lunch.”

“Shit.” She runs a hand down the back of her hair, eyes widening in disbelief but not showing any signs of judgment. “How did this happen exactly? How did you two meet?”

I close and open my fists. “I first met him at a floral shop he manages part time when I was ordering flowers for the funeral, but didn’t see him again for I think a week or so, and then we just kept running into each other. One thing led to another, and a kiss led to more, then here we were. There was this connection between us, like a force neither of us could win against. Like I said, it’s crazy.”

Her lips turn inward and she places a hand over her chest as if to relieve a pressure there. “There’s something you don’t know, and I hope this doesn’t change your perception of him. I mean, no one’s perfect, right? And it was so long ago.” A nervous laugh rushes past her lips. “But that first month you and Landon started dating, he was in a two-year relationship with a guy named David.”

“David, the man he worked for before investing in his own restaurant?” My jaw tightens.

“That’s the one. He tried to tell you more than once, but time kept passing and he didn’t want to ruin what y’all had over something he felt was so small. He said the relationship was over the moment he met you and they were mostly just together in name.”

My stomach twists and a wave of nausea hits me. “So all those times he said he had to leave to help his grandmother he . . . Did they live together?”

“Yes, but listen, Elijah . . .” She reaches for my hand and I back away.

A sharp pain rolls over my chest like a large boulder, and it’s so damn crushing my breaths are ragged.

“He loved you, okay? My point is, I don’t see you as a bad person for this and he wouldn’t either. He’d understand because he’s been there before but with you.”

“Was he living with Rosie before he randomly moved in with me after six weeks of us being together?”

A muscle in her cheek tics. “No.” She nervously scratches at her arm, holding it to her chest. “He was sharing an apartment with David. They were in separate rooms, though. Do you really want all the details? I don’t think it’ll do you any good to dwell on—”

“It’s not about it being in the past or not.” I walk over to the bar, pouring myself a drink. The vodka stings my throat as I chase down the shot. I kept it hidden in the lower cabinet for when it was hard to be here, when I felt like the walls were swallowing me whole. It’s happening again.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought I was helping. I shouldn’t have said anything. There are things that are better off—”

“What? Kept as secrets? Because it seems like he had a lot of them. His illness, all that money, and now this. What else is there?”

“Nothing else, I promise.”

“As far as you know.” I tighten my fingers around the glass. “Who was I even married to? Who am I mourning because I feel like I don’t know this man every time a new revelation happens.”

Circling the bar, she pulls me into a hug. “You knew all the important things. You knew his heart and how much he loved you.”

I open my mouth and close it again. The next time I try to speak, the door dings open and two customers walk in. We break apart and I greet them, asking if I can help them find anything, and when one says yes, I turn to Jessa, and she waves at me when I give her an apologetic smile. I’m not mad at her. This was between me and Landon—or was supposed to be.

Did he love me? Yes. Do I still love him and wish he was here? Of course. But I have a right to be upset too. There are no rules when it comes to mourning. Like grief, it’s another hurdle I’ll have to work my way through with time.

“What can I help y’all find?” I turn back to the customers.

The woman names a book I recognize before she can name the author, and I point her in the right direction. “There should be two left in the romance section. The middle shelf and in the center. It’s been a popular one this week.”

She smiles a silent thank you and her husband trails behind her as they walk over to where the book is. When they’re no longer paying us any attention, Jessa embraces me in one last hug, pressing a kiss to my cheek. “Don’t be such a stranger, okay? And I’m sorry he kept so much from you. I know it hurts, and I won’t tell you not to feel what you feel. He might have thought he was doing the right thing at the time.” She pauses. “Love has us doing stupid shit sometimes, often turning us into someone we don’t recognize ourselves. I’m only glad yours turned out as beautiful as it did. Who knows, maybe what you have with this guy can too. You won’t know if you walk away now.” She takes a step back, sliding her hands from my back to my shoulders. “So don’t.”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “And I’ll make sure to visit more. I really do miss you and the kids.”

“Message me later and we’ll schedule dinner or something.”

Smiling, I give a slight nod. “Sounds good. I’m glad you came by and I’m also glad you told me. It did help in a way, and it also helped me understand him better. Because you’re right about love making you do crazy things, and I think . . . although it’s too soon, that might be what this is. I didn’t know that side of Landon but he didn’t know this side of me either. We both had weak moments where we were someone neither of us would recognize in each other. If my weak moments don’t define who I am as a person then neither do his.”

Her eyes water and she squeezes my shoulders. “Take care of yourself, Elijah.” She pecks my cheek, and before she turns to leave says, “I’ll be expecting a phone call or text soon.”

A chuckle tickles the back of my throat, and when she leaves I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll to Silas’s name.

Me : Can’t wait to catch you from falling next weekend.

Silas : You’ll probably be falling with me.

Me : No. I’ll be wearing shoes. You’ll be braving the skates alone.

Silas : You say that now. Looking forward to changing your mind.

And there’s no doubt in my mind that he will. There’s a huge track record that would certainly back up these thoughts too.

I’m wide awake when I arrive home from work, so I fry up some chicken flautas then take a long hot shower after dinner. Struggling to shut my mind off, I step out of the tub, wrap a towel around me, and turn some music on full blast after connecting my phone to a speaker attached to the towel holder. I reach for my toothbrush and that’s when I see it—a blue and white variegated washcloth made of yarn.

A flutter passes through the left side of my chest and I lift it in my hand. It smells of flowers when I bring it to my nose. Flowers and him. Inhaling deeper, I shove my face further into the soft material, and closing my eyes, I picture him standing right next to me in my bathroom. There’s no tightening in my chest and I can’t help but lean more into the idea. I allow the scene to play in my head, of him naked and trying to share my towel, wearing one of his crooked smiles.

I open my eyes and an uneasy feeling washes over me. At first it was hard to bring him here, but now when I imagine it, I can’t handle it not being real. I place the washcloth back on the counter next to Landon’s white soap dish. Silas’s stuff being here doesn’t replace Landon’s or make it fade away. There’s a place for both.

Teeth brushed, I wash my face, and as I’m walking to bed my phone buzzes. I swipe it off my coffee table and head to the couch, embracing the smile that comes when I read over the message.

Silas: Sleeping?

Me : Not yet. Having trouble?

Silas : Yeah. A little. I think I’m on a sugar high.

Laughter bubbles out of me and I hit the call button. It only takes two rings for him to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sunshine.”

His breaths shake a little. “Hey. Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing really. Just got out of the shower, you?” I lay back on the large fluffy cushions. The cool suede rubbing over my back reminds me I’m only wearing a towel.

“Same. I’m all dry and warm under the covers now. Very naked too.”

“Oh yeah?” I chuckle, stretching out my legs. “No late-night reading or watching a horror movie?”

“No. I don’t usually read or watch scary movies before bed. They keep me up longer because I usually can’t stop thinking about them.”

“I see. What helps you sleep then?” I ask, holding the phone tighter to my ear.

“Listening to music, working out, and . . .” He doesn’t finish, forcing my imagination to run wild.

“And?”

“Orgasms,” he says almost too quietly.

Something like lava travels under my skin. “How do you usually get one?”

“Fucking my hand or between the fold of a pillow.”

Arousal curls inside me and I open my towel. I stroke my cock, licking my lips while wondering whether I’m ready to hear his moans and cries throughout my house. Letting my curiosity run its course, I place my phone on speaker and lay it next to me.

“Do you make the same sounds alone as you do with me?”

“Want to find out?”

“Yeah. I want to see too. Will you let me?”

His breaths stutter. “Okay. I’ve never done this before. I’m sorry if I’m bad.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, and I clearly need to find a way to make you remember not to when you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“How so?” He makes shuffling sounds on the other end and seconds later my phone asks me to accept the video call. I do and there he is, flustered with damp hair. I could look at him all night and day.

His pale skin looks so soft against the white sheets, nipples hard and darkening in color. My cock twitches and I hold my hand still, using the other to position the phone with two throw pillows.

“That’s much better.” I turn my head fully and his lips arch up into a smile, a deep pink from being bitten and licked too much.

“Aren’t you going to tell me how you’ll make me remember?”

“You’ll see soon enough. Fuck, look at you, Sunshine. I need to see more. Give me a peek of that pretty cock. Lower the blanket. Go slow.” I want to take my time appreciating every bit of him the way you would a slice of heavenly cake, by savoring every sweet bite that explodes on your tongue.

His bottom lip slips between his teeth and he pushes down the blanket at an agonizing pace. His taut belly is gradually exposed to me and then the rusty pink tip of his dick is revealed next. He’s leaking. So hard and swollen. My mouth fills with saliva and I lower my body on the couch, slowly touching myself again.

More of his cock shows up on screen and he keeps going until I can see almost the whole front of his body. Growing harder, his tip drips some more, and I love how those slender fingers lightly graze over the top side of his long shaft. “I want to see you too.”

“Not this time, baby. You need to earn it. We’ll see if you can by tomorrow night.”

“Wait . . . that's cruel.”

I snort and then chuckle. “I know, but I’m doing this for you. Trying to help you break a bad habit.”

Divots appear between his eyebrows when he frowns. “Well, it still sucks. I like seeing how hard you get with me.”

“Then prove to me how much by following our number one rule,” I say sternly.

“Fine.” He blows out a breath, appearing frustrated.

“So, you going to show me how you tire yourself out, or what?”

“Maybe.” His smile is back and devious. He runs a finger up and down his length. First on top, then on each side, before closing a fist around his hardening cock. I can’t believe I’m having phone sex when I’d never seen the point in it before, but once I get going I can’t stop.

“So beautiful. I wish I could touch you.” The deprivation is driving me crazy, a hunger surging inside me that’s only partly satisfied by the memory of his skin twitching beneath my fingers yesterday. Those goosebumps forming from my gentle strokes are more visible the more he brushes his skin with the sheet.

“Me too.” His chest moves up and down as he slowly pumps his cock, the pink from his cheeks spreading all over every part of his skin. His eyes flutter closed and he whimpers.

“That’s it, Sunshine. Imagine I’m right beside you, my fingers stroking your nipples one at a time.”

One of his hands becomes mine and he rolls one of his hard nubs between his fingers, chest raising to the ceiling.

“My hand slides down your body and between your thighs, squeezing your balls. You feel us together, baby?” My breaths grow heavy and my stomach tightens as I get closer to eruption. “You feel my fingers brushing over your taint, nearing that delicious, needy hole?”

He bends his body, lifting one of his legs so he can reach more of himself, and he jerks forward. Nostrils flaring and mouth parted, he moves his hand fast, bucking his hips as he buries his other hand further between his legs, pressing on his hole. Broken moans are mixed with jagged breaths.

“Ooohhh.” His body folds over, and seeing him lose himself in pleasure sends tingles down my spine. I buck forward, thinking about the way that tight channel looks squeezing around his fingers. He felt so good around my cock. Like a damn vise—tight and tugging.

“Come for me, baby. Let that slutty hole pulse around my fingers as I rub over the spot that always needs so much attention. Let me give it to you. Let me relieve that pressure you feel.”

He comes on a shout, and his sounds echo all around me, ricocheting off my walls. I didn’t realize how much I needed them here. With my hips thrusting faster and delicious heat bursting inside me, I keep my eyes on him. Hair mused and eyes red rimmed, he appears so wrecked. He dips his fingers in the mess on his stomach, and the slurping sounds he makes when he brings them to his mouth cause blood to rush in my ears, ripples of electric sensations surging through me.

My panting mixes with chaotic laughter, and I tug on my bottom lip with my teeth, drunk off my orgasm. “I want you to spend the night with me on Saturday night.”

“Really?” His eyebrows jump near his hairline.

“Really,” I repeat.

“Are you sure?” His face inches closer to the screen.

“Yeah. I want to watch horror movies with you and not sleep.”

His face shows his elation. “Okay, but I have to warn ya. I like to jump and cling to pillows during scary scenes. That means you run the risk of me mistaking you for a pillow.”

“I don’t mind being your pillow or having you jump against me . . . or on me.” My voice deepens.

“Good night, Elijah. I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Night, baby. Don’t pack any pajamas in that bag of yours. You won’t need them.”

We hang up, and after I tidy around me I snuggle up on the couch, waiting for the idea of him laying here with me to feel wrong. It never comes.