59. Cordelia
TWO MONTHS LATER
We’ve been parents for two months, and they have been the hardest and most wonderful months of my life. Single parents deserve a lot of credit because I genuinely question if I would have been able to do it. I mean, you do what you have to, whatever it takes for the ones you love, so I would have figured it out. But without Kai, it wouldn’t have been this…blissful.
Every time Theo wakes up crying, Kai jumps out of bed and either soothes him back to sleep or brings him to me to feed him. There have been a couple of nights where Kai is bone tired, so I have to tell him multiple times that I can do it. Without fail, though, he usually comes in a little later to check on us while I’m half asleep, holding him in the rocking chair. It’s something special to have your best friend with you at a time like this, too. I don’t believe luck had anything to do with it.
I swipe the steam off the mirror and brush my hair. Kai said he would take care of Theo, and I should have some me time. I took a long shower and feel like a real person again. It also felt good to put on jeans that I used to wear, and they mostly fit. I almost kept them on, then thought better of it and put on yoga pants. The point here is I can wear the jeans, not that I need to wear the jeans.
I take my time braiding my hair and cleaning our room, which looks like it exploded. We try to keep the house clean, but I did not expect this amount of mess with a two-month-old baby. After finishing picking up our room, I check Theo’s room. They aren’t in there, so I go downstairs to find Kai outside with Theo, walking around the yard. His forearm and large hand lay across Theo’s back securely as Kai cuts overgrown daisies from the yard. I stare at them from the sliding door window, and his mouth moves like he’s talking to Theo, as he cuts one flower at a time. My heart swells at the sight, and it makes me tear up.
One day, I asked Kai why he didn’t use the baby holder to wrap Theo against his chest so he could have both hands. Kai said, “I don’t want a carrier to hold him. I want to hold him.” Then he kissed Theo and then kissed me as I melted on the floor. His love for Theo, regardless of how Theo came about, makes me love him more and more every day.
I leave them to it and start cooking chicken, Alfredo. What we have made for two months straight is pitiful.
By the time I’ve got the sauce cooking and the chicken done, Kai and Theo come in from the backyard with a bouquet of daisies. “Look at that, Theo. Mama is here, and you can give her the flowers you picked for her,” he says, looking down at our son, whose eyes bounce all over the room. Theo’s shirt is drowning in drool, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
I reach for Theo, and Kai gently hands him to me. I kiss his chubby cheek and say, “Thank you for the flowers, little man. They are beautiful.” He babbles, and I take that as a you’re welcome. Overall, we’ve been lucky with Theo. He cries and gets fussy, but he either wants to be held or fed. One day, I couldn’t get him to stop crying, so Kai took him, and he immediately stopped. I guess he’s a Daddy’s boy.
Kai puts the flowers in a pitcher he found in the cabinet and fills it with water, placing the flowers in it.
“Thank you for getting those,” I tell him.
The corner of his mouth tips up, and he puts them on the island in the center.
I go back to stirring the sauce for dinner, and Kai comes up behind me to look over my shoulder. “Mmm, is that chicken Alfredo?”
I nod, grabbing the chicken and placing each one into the sauce.
“I can take him, gem,” Kai says, reaching for Theo.
“You’re such a baby hog,” I joke and kiss Theo’s head.
Kai places one hand on my hip and the other on Theo’s head, rubbing the dark, fine hair there. Theo leans back, looking up at his father, and a little smile grows on his face.
“Hi, baby boy,” he coos. Usually, I would push Kai off of me because I’m clearly busy, but there are little moments in life that you will find yourself thinking about all the time, and I just added this one to the list. “Looks good,” he says, kissing my cheek before walking away. My back suddenly feels cold, and as ridiculous as it is, I wish he had stayed there.
I put Theo in his baby rocker while Kai and I eat. He eventually falls asleep watching us.
“The season starts again in roughly a month, and I will need to do some heavy practicing. Are you sure you don’t want to stay here? I mean, I don’t like it, but if you think that’s what’s best for him, then we can figure it out.”
I finish chewing my food and dab my mouth. “No, Kai. I want to be with you. I want Theo to be with his dad, I just…” My words trail off because I’m afraid to say them. I don’t want to, but saying those scary thoughts out into the world feels like it will give them power.
“Gem,” Kai sighs. It’s not chastising, it’s full of concern and maybe a tinge of irritation.
“I don’t want to be apart from you for a litany of reasons. It’s not just about safety. I don’t want to be halfway across the country if…”
“If something happens to either of us?” Kai finishes my sentence for me.
I nod. He winces but quickly hides it.
He leans back, runs his hand through his hair, and looks out the window. We’re both silent, lost in our own thoughts. I loved being around him even before Kai and I finally got together. He’s my best friend first. I want to be around him.
“I’ll miss you too much,” I whisper.
He turns from the window and lays his amber eyes on me.
“I’d miss you, too, so much so it would be distracting. But I want to be sure that it’s the best thing for Theo, too. I was reading about stability for a newborn, and one of those things is not moving every two to three days.”
I sigh, tucking my lips behind my teeth, knowing he’s right. But on the other hand, Kai being gone for months on end, flying or driving home for a few days, then leaving again, won’t work, either. I’d rather we all be together.
“You could always stay with Mom when I’m gone,” he suggests.
“Do you…not want us with you? I guess I could tell them to find another photographer.” I tell him, suddenly nervous because I’m getting mixed signals.
“Are you kidding me? I want you with me all the time, just like it is now. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to follow me. I don’t want you to feel chained to me because of everything that’s happened.”
“I don’t. You know…I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”
He scoffs and reaches over the table for my hand. “That is certainly not true, but I’m glad I could be there so you didn’t have to. I’m a better man because of you and that little guy,” he says, pointing at Theo.
“So that settles it. We’re coming with you. Hell or high water, this family is not splitting up.”
Kai’s face breaks into a wide, blinding smile, and it makes my heart do backflips.
“You make me so damn happy it makes my stomach hurt.”
I laugh and glance at Theo. “I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.”
“It’s a good thing, Cordi. It’s so good I can’t hardly believe my eyes when I look at you every day when I wake up.”
“Is it bad that it feels too good to be true? I know we’ve had some ups and downs, but it’s felt so…easy.”
He chuckles again. “If you think what we’ve been through in the past nine months was easy, then I can’t wait to walk into the inevitable fire with you,” he says.
“I don’t mean it like that. What I’m trying to say is that I will do whatever it takes to keep us together, even if that means getting burned.”
“You’ve already done everything, Cordi. Look at what we earned from it.” He points to Theo, and I stare at him again. He does this funny thing in his sleep, where he lifts one eyebrow up and down like he’s giving someone an attitude in his dreams.
“He’s been worth all of it,” I say quietly.
“He always will be, and so will you. It might be a little reckless, but that’s what makes us so good together. I think we’ve figured out more in six months of marriage than most people in ten years. I’m not worried about whatever difficult thing comes next. I know we can handle it because we’re us.”
“You are very confident about a very unknown future.”
He tilts his head and stares at me for so long that I feel my face get warm. “I don’t need to know the future to be confident that it will all be made right. I’m confident in what we have. I used to be afraid of the things I couldn’t control because it meant risking you and him. I was nervous about what my father would do or the wedge he would inevitably try to drive further into our family. But the joke is on him. Instead of pushing us apart, it’s only brought all of us closer. “
“I try not to think about him too often,” I mutter.
Kai lets go of my hand and shoves a fork into his cold pasta. “Good, don’t bother. He’s not worth it,” he says and takes another bite.
Theo’s still asleep. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love this little boy. It’s hard to nail down a word for the feeling that you would do literally anything for this person. Love is the definition, but it still feels like it’s not wide enough to encompass the emotion and the action.
“I don’t want to wake him up, but we need to give him a bath,” I whisper.
Kai shovels his last bite of the mountain of noodles into his mouth. “I’ll get him.”
“Okay, I’ll make us dessert while you’re doing that.”
He moans. “You truly know the way to a man’s heart. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”
I shoot him a look, and he winks, taking another bite. Heat flutters in my stomach and sinks into my core. The doctor did say to wait about six weeks to be on the safe side, and it’s been eight.
Kai looks up from his plate and chews slower. His eyebrow ticks up, and his eyes burn my skin like a warm caress as the flame licks out at you. Heat floods my face, and I take another bite of my Alfredo, trying to chew despite my thundering heart.
“I know that look, gem,” Kai rasps.
I drag my eyes from my plate and back to him.
“Good,” I rasp.
He grins and takes another bite. “I’m thinking you don’t have to actually make any dessert. I’m pretty sure it’s already ready,” he says, dragging his eyes down my body.
A shudder runs up my spine, and I smile at him. “I’m pretty sure I haven’t baked the cookies.”
He takes a drink of water and clears his throat. “I don’t want cookies now. I want something else.”
I lift a shoulder, taking my last bite. “I think I can help with that,” I tell him.
His eyes flare again, and he drops his fork on the plate and carefully gets Theo out of his carrier.
“Come on, little man. Bath time for both of us. Daddy has a date tonight.” I laugh as he practically runs up the steps.