Chapter 16
sixteen
T roy woke to Donna shaking his shoulders in mid-morning light, filtered through the blinds on the windows. “What?” When did he even fall asleep? He’d barely slept all night.
“Jessie’s here.” She lifted her brows.
He rose up. “He is?” He flung the brown covers off and searched around him. Where were his clothes?
“He’s waiting on the porch. Just take it easy and get dressed.” She patted his arm. “I’m sure he’s here to apologize and admit how he feels.” She wrapped her hands together over her chest, beaming.
He shifted his legs to the edge of the bed, raking his hand through his hair. “I hope you’re right.”
“I’ll go keep an eye on him for you and make sure he doesn’t leave.” She jumped up from the bed and sauntered out.
He opened his dresser drawer and changed into a new pair of underwear, an orange t-shirt and cut-off jean shorts, then ambled into the bathroom to brush his teeth, roll deodorant under his arms, and fix his hair. He looked himself over in the mirror. He looked tired. As he walked past his family, eating breakfast at the table, his heart thumped in his ears.
“Don’t you want breakfast?” His mother lifted her brows.
“No. I’ll be back later.” As Troy approached the door and opened it, nausea balled up in his stomach. This better go well . He shut the door of the cabin.
Jessie walked down the porch steps. He knit his brows. “Troy, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, we do.” Troy peeked at Jessie, the dark hair surrounding his face, the large blue eyes and the bit of teeth showing under his generous lips. His heart pinched. Nothing had changed. He still wanted to kiss those lips. He still loved him.
“Let’s go to the field by the chapel. I don’t think anyone will be around there.” Jessie strode to his car and got in the driver’s side.
Troy followed him, then climbed into the passenger’s seat.
As Jessie drove the car into a parking spot next to the chapel, Troy drew a deep breath. This was it. All the waiting and wondering was about to be over. “Are we just sitting in the car?”
Jessie scanned around them. “No, let’s go sit in the grass.” He exited the car with Troy following, and they walked through sunshine past the high-pitched roofline of the chapel, then took a seat cross-legged on the edge of the woods in the grass, facing each other, shaded by trees.
Troy peered into the woods. A few weeks ago, they’d lost their frisbee in there, back when he was still figuring out how he felt about him. He pursed his lips. So far Jessie hadn’t said a word. “So, talk.” Fear ebbed into his heart. This was it.
Jessie hung his head. “Troy, I’m sorry about what happened. I never meant for things to go this far.” He looked at him, his eyes glistening, wrinkling his forehead.
“What do you mean by that?” Troy’s lower lip trembled. An unbearable ache rose in his chest. Donna was wrong. He wasn’t going to tell him what he wanted to hear. Tears stung his eyes.
“We were only supposed to fool around.” Jessie’s breath hitched and he seized Troy’s arm, his gaze darting over his face. “You have a chance, Troy, to live a normal life. To settle down with a nice chick and have babies. To be the teacher you always wanted to be.” He blinked and a tear fell down his cheek. “You don’t have be in a gay relationship with me. You have a choice.”
Troy blinked. “Is that what this is about? You think my feelings for you are a... a choice ?” He curled his lip, anger grabbing hold of him. “It’s not a fucking choice for me to love you. I can’t just decide not to and go on my merry way here.” He flared his nostrils. “Not any more than it’s a choice for you to want to fuck dudes, okay?” He huffed. Why am I getting so pissed off? Because he’s making decisions for me and not even considering how I feel.
Jessie dropped his mouth open. “You’re not understanding what I’m saying. I checked, Troy. St. Paul just repealed a gay non-discrimination law in April and who knows if Minneapolis will follow? That fucking Anita Bryant came up here and got them to repeal protections for people like us. Her bullshit is everywhere right now.” He searched his face. “I won’t be the reason you get fired from a teaching job and can’t do what you love.”
Troy narrowed his eyes. “How did you find this out? We don’t even get TV up here, and I know you’re not reading the newspapers.” This was all too much to think about. He just wanted to be with him. He didn’t care about all that.
“I asked Gary about it.” Jessie pursed his lips and hung his head.
“You saw fucking Gary?” A hot jab stabbed his heart. He winced. “When, yesterday?” He stared at him. How could he do that after everything that happened?
“Yeah.” Jessie wiped his eyes.
“You fucker.” Troy jumped up and stomped away in the grass, rage swarming in his chest. While he’d been on the patio, talking to Donna... Jessie had been with fucking Gary . He twisted around. Through his teeth, he said, “Bet you got a great fucking blow job, too.”
Jessie lifted his head, knitting his brows. “No, Troy. Don’t say that.” He blinked and tears tumbled down his cheeks. “How can you fucking say that?”
Troy sped to Jessie and dropped to his knees, fisting Jessie’s shirt. “Did you fuck him?”
Jessie stared at Troy, shaking his head. “N-no. I swear. I-I just needed some information, that’s all. I had to make a decision.” He took a long swallow. “I’m leaving for New York as soon as I get home. I’ve already told my dad. I’m going to finish school there, but I’m not coming back.”
Troy’s vision clouded. Pain snaked through his chest to wrap around his heart. “Why don’t you want to be with me?” The full weight of Jessie’s words ripped through him. It isn’t a misunderstanding. I’ve lost him . “Don’t you have any feelings for me at all?” A sob ripped from his throat, and he freed Jessie’s shirt. “I love you.”
“I know. That’s why I’m leaving. I can’t be the one who destroys your life.” Jessie placed a hand on Troy’s shoulder.
Troy flung it off and snarled. “Don’t touch me.” He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. How was this happening?
In a thick voice, Jessie said, “Remember when I told you I’d do anything for you? I’m doing this for you .”
Troy glared at him. “That makes no fucking sense!” His breath hitched. He searched around him. He couldn’t look at him anymore. It hurt too much. He fell back on his ass, then wrapped his arms around his waist and rocked, biting back more tears. “Can we still be friends?” He sniffled. Why was he even asking that? He couldn’t be friends anymore.
“I-I don’t know. Maybe someday.” Jessie twitched the corners of his mouth. “Maybe someday you can come visit me in New York with your wife and then we’ll talk about all the great times we had here when we were kids.” His eyes glittered with tears.
Troy creased his brows. Was he hearing this right? “Have you lost your mind?”
Jessie thinned his lips. “Don’t hate me too much, okay? This hurts me, too.” He stared off into the woods. “Way more than you know.” He wiped his eyes and focused on him. “If I stay here, I won’t be able to keep away from you. I’ll give in and then...” He clenched his teeth. “And then you’ll be fired from teaching. You can’t be a gay teacher, Troy.”
“I’m not fucking gay. I’m bisexual.” Troy scowled. Why did he keep calling him gay?
“As long as you’re with me, in a gay relationship, it won’t matter. Don’t you see?” Jessie slapped his hand on the grass between them. “You will be discriminated against. You will be fired. It’s happening all over the country.”
“What if I find some other dude?”
“Don’t fucking say that. Go back to dating chicks after I leave. Don’t make me do this for nothing.” Jessie clenched his jaw. “Don’t you dare.”
As a strange numbness enveloped his body, it all became clear. He parted his lips and stared at Jessie. He wants to be with me. But he thinks it would destroy my life. What he didn’t know was how much losing him was going to destroy his life. But there was nothing he could do. Jessie’s mind was made up. He’d already told his father. And he had done it all on his own. Troy stood up and brushed the grass from his jean shorts. “Next time you decide to sacrifice yourself for someone else’s happiness, do me a favor.”
Jessie peered up at him. “What?”
“Ask them first.” Troy ground his teeth and walked off toward the cabins. Don’t look back. Don’t fucking look back.
Troy walked the rest of the day, past the marina, past the golf course and the green he and Jessie got high on, all the way out to the resort sign and past The Commander . Memories flashed in his head with each place he walked by. Him and Jessie getting high, tickling each other, giggling, playing pool, all of it. He couldn’t bring himself to walk past the lake. If he saw the lake, he’d see where it all started. Gooseberry Island. He definitely could not see that. He’d literally lose his mind if he did. To think that they couldn’t be together because of some repealed laws, some prejudiced assholes and Anita fucking Bryant, it didn’t make any sense.
As the sun hung low in the sky, the rumbling of an engine sounded behind him.
“Troy, where the fuck have you been all day?” Donna’s voice rang out.
He twisted. The van crept along behind him. “I’m, I’m lost.” He hung his head. His shoulders shook with heavy sobs, and he placed his face in his hands.
“Oh, shit.” Donna placed the van into park and climbed out, racing to him. She enveloped him in her arms and pressed his head into her neck. “I’m so sorry, Troy. So sorry.” She shushed him.
He wept on her shoulder for a few minutes, draping his arms around her small waist. “He left me. He didn’t even ask me. He just did it.”
“Let’s get you home, okay?” She brushed her palm down his hair.
He calmed, then stepped away from her and wiped his face with the back of his hands, sniffling. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’d be a mess, too, if Jessie dumped me like that. Fuck.” She shook her head, glancing at the van. “Let me take you home.”
He nodded. “Yeah.” He followed her to the van and climbed inside, staring at the dash but not really seeing it.
She started the engine and drove onto the road. “Want to talk about it?”
“No. I just want to go to bed.” A wave of exhaustion washed over him. He couldn’t think about it anymore.
The next evening, Troy sat at the kitchen table in his cabin, pushing mashed potatoes around his plate, next to a piece of steak.
“Still not feeling well?” His mother, holding a glass of coke at her lips, studied him.
“No, not really.” Troy glanced at his sister, then Mark and finally his father, all with their gazes affixed to him. The stomachache excuse he’d used all day to stay in bed wasn’t going to work much longer. Especially when the real pain was in his heart and what he really wanted was beer to numb it. “I’m going to uh, sit on the porch.” He rose from the table and brought his plate to the sink, then opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer from the inside door shelf. Too bad if anyone noticed. He needed this.
As he walked to the door of the cabin, he hid the beer at his side, then left and walked between the cabins to the porch steps. As he reached the steps, he stopped. Was Jessie’s car here, or was he out somewhere with fucking Gary? Don’t look. It doesn’t matter now.
He ambled up the steps and sat on a chair at the iron table, looking out over the lake, the setting sun shimmering over the water. A warm breeze rustled his hair, and he freed a long breath. Jessie was going to take a long time to get over. If he ever could.
Steps crunched from the side of the cabin. He scanned the area.
His father walked up the steps, beer in hand, and sat across the table from him. He popped his beer can open and pursed his lips. “Son, it seems like you’ve got more going on than a simple stomachache.”
Troy peeked at him and pulled his beer open, then took a sip. “Yeah.” But of course, he couldn’t talk about what was going on.
“Can you tell me about it?” His father gazed over the view. “Seems something happened between you and Jessie.”
“Yeah.” The pain in Troy’s heart surged. He breathed through it. He couldn’t break down.
“Are you upset that he decided to go back to New York?” His father focused on him. “It seems the two of you got really close this summer. More than usual.”
“I guess.” Troy shifted in his seat. Damn, Dad was always so perceptive. Must be what made his students love him so much. He always knew when to say something and what to say.
“It must be hard every year, to come up here and be so close to him and then watch him go off to New York for school. This last year he didn’t even come home over the breaks, right?” His father lifted his brows, drinking his beer.
“Yeah.” Troy took a few gulps of beer. What was Dad getting at? He glanced at him. “I was sort of hoping he’d stay here and maybe switch schools.” There, that was as good an explanation as any.
“So, I hear you two had a fight. Was that what it was about?” His father fingered the top of his beer can.
Troy narrowed his eyes. “Where did you hear that?” Donna better not have said anything.
“Nate told Mark, and Mark told me. He figured that was why you’ve been so down.” His father thinned his lips. “Plus, I asked.” He sighed. “I care about you, son. It looks to me like you’re hurting. I wanted you to know that you can talk to me. There are a lot of things I can understand. I’ve seen it all.” He offered him a quick grin.
Troy furrowed his brows and nodded, gazing at his beer.
“Well.” His father tapped the table and stood up. “If you’re ready, when you’re ready, I’m here. Okay?”
“Yeah.” Troy twisted his beer can. Except, he wasn’t ready and probably never would be ready to talk about this with him.
“Okay, I’ll leave you alone.” His father walked off the porch.
Troy slumped his shoulders and hung his head. “Fuck.” His voice wavered. He rubbed his eyes. He didn’t want to be up here anymore. This was like a living hell.
Donna crept onto the porch, searching around her. “Hey. Is Dad gone?”
“Yeah.” He drank his beer. What did she want now? He really wasn’t in the mood to talk.
She sat in the seat vacated by their father. “I spoke to Nate today.”
He huffed. Here it comes...
“Nate says Jessie came home drunk last night. Like stumbling drunk.”
“Do you really think this is helpful?” He glared at her. He didn’t need to hear how drunk Jessie was getting with Gary. He probably took Gary out to their green on the golf course. He clutched at his t-shirt over his heart.
She glanced toward the lake, then focused on Troy. “Sorry.” She sucked in a breath. “I just thought you’d want to know that Jessie is as upset as you are,” she said. “I don’t think you should give up.”
He slowly shook his head, scowling. “Yeah, right.” He couldn’t listen to any more of this. He needed to walk. It was the only thing that seemed to help. He stood up and downed his beer. “I’m going for a walk.”
She widened her eyes. “Uh, okay.” She stood from the table. “Don’t walk too far. I don’t want to find you outside of the resort again.”
“Fine. I’ll stay close.”
Troy strode in the dark around a corner of the barely-paved drive not far from the cabins. It was getting late, and he should head for home before he worried Donna. He peered up at a full moon shining in a clear sky, making luminous shadows out of the trees lining the road. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. Jessie’s car had been parked next to his parent’s Seville when he left. Would it still be there, or had he gone out? He huffed. What does it matter now?
He walked beside a clearing in the trees and glanced at the playground. He and Jessie used to love playing there when they were kids. Motion caught his gaze. He stopped.
A dark figure sat on the merry-go-round between the metal bars. The figure rose, a paper bag in its hand, walked a few feet, then stumbled and fell. A clang rang out as it hit the bottom of the slide.
“Ow, shit.”
Jessie’s voice. He could be hurt. With Troy’s heart pounding, he jogged toward him.
Jessie held his head and straightened, sitting on the ground. “Fuck.” He rubbed the side of it.
As Troy approached, he slowed. Why was he doing this? He should leave him alone. But what if he just gave himself a concussion and he was drinking? “You okay?” Troy crouched down in front of him.
Jessie startled and stared at him. “Troy?” He frowned, his face scrunching. A sob burst from this throat. “Oh, fuck.” He threw his arms around Troy’s shoulders and buried his face in his neck. “Troy... I’m so sorry.” He shook with soft weeping.
Troy widened his eyes, his breath catching in his throat, his heart pounding. What was he supposed to do now? He plopped his ass in the dirt and slowly wrapped his arms around him, tugging him into his chest. It feels so good to hold him . He brushed his cheek against his dark hair, his heart swelling with emotion.
Jessie tightened his hold, sniffling. “I love you, Troy.” He lifted his head, gazing deeply into his eyes. “I should have told you that when we were in the van.”
Troy searched his face, creasing his brows, his chest aching. “Yeah, you should have.” How would it have changed things? Would it have?
“But I’m an idiot and thought it would make things harder.” Jessie sniffed. “Do you hate me now?”
Troy released a puff of air. “No, I can’t hate you.” He glanced at the road, then focused on him, skimming his hand down Jessie’s head. “How am I supposed to hate you?” The ache in his chest built. No, I still love him just as much as ever. He gazed at his lips. He still wanted to kiss them. “Let’s get up and I’ll help you home.” He pulled him up.
Jessie bent over and snatched the paper bag, the lip of a bottle poking out.
“What are you drinking?” Troy pointed at it. He was drunk. No wonder he finally admitted how he felt.
“Jack Daniels.” Jessie gave him a lop-sided grin and pulled his black t-shirt over his jean shorts. “Needed something stronger than beer.”
“Are you high, too?” Troy looked him over. He didn’t look all that bad. In fact, he looks fucking good.
“No, I ran out of weed. I went through the rest of it that first day.” Jessie released a choked chuckle. “I was really stoned. Barely even knew where I was.”
Troy hooked an arm around Jessie’s waist. “Come on.” The heat of his body shuddered through him. Apparently, he wanted to do more than kiss him.
Jessie sighed and draped his arm over Troy’s shoulders.
“At least we don’t have far to go.” As Troy led him down the drive, he glanced at him, and their gazes caught. He shouldn’t be doing this, looking at him. It made him want to do things he shouldn’t.
Jessie licked his lips, focusing on his mouth. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do.”
“Yeah?” Now he tells me this shit. Troy tore his gaze away to look at the cabins in front of them. All the lights were out. It must be later than he thought.
“Yeah. Troy Larson, you’ll be the one I’ll never get over.” Jessie freed a ragged breath. “I’ll always fucking love you until the day I die.” He twisted into him and pressed his lips to Troy’s, sliding his tongue inside, tangling it with Troy’s.
Troy shut his eyes. One can’t hurt. He deepened the kiss, losing himself, and snuck his hands up the back of Jessie’s t-shirt.
Jessie rocked his hips against his thigh. Breathless, he said, “Oh, fuck, I want you. Right now.” He pushed him backward with his chest, devouring him with ravenous kisses all the way, dropping the bottle in the dirt, roaming his hands over Troy’s body.
Troy fought to keep up, stumbling every few steps, then his back slapped against the side of the van.
Jessie freed a hand to clutch at the door and slide it open, then shoved him to the carpet.
Troy rounded his eyes. Are we doing this? Yes, we fucking are . He crept backward to the couch and ripped the table out of the floor, flung it, then wrenched the couch frame into a bed.
Jessie jumped inside the van and slammed the door shut. “Get naked.” He removed his clothes, tossing bits and pieces around him.
Troy undressed himself, flinging his clothes to the front of the van, then scrambled to the bed, lying on his back.
Jessie crawled over him and came down, rolling his hips, gliding his hard cock across Troy’s thigh. He closed his eyes, gasping, and raked his teeth over his lower lip. “Damn I miss this.” He gazed at him. “I miss you.” He tensed his brows and claimed his mouth with his own, sliding his tongue inside.
As Troy thrust against his hip, sensation pulsed his shaft. Inside a breath, he said, “I miss you, too.” He kneaded the muscles of Jessie’s ass, bringing their hips closer still, surrendering to his sweet kisses and the heat of his body. If this was the last time they’d be together, then so be it. At least he got to be with him one more time.
Jessie broke the kisses and licked his palm, slickening it, then snuck it between them, rolling to the side. He grabbed both their cocks and thrust one against the other, pumping them. His eyes hooded with lust and his body shuddered, meeting Troy’s lips with wet, urgent kisses.
Pleasure surged over Troy’s cock and tightened his sac. He groaned against Jessie’s mouth, then rubbed over his chest, finding his nipple, and teasing it between his fingers.
Jessie whimpered, his hips jerking. “You’re going to make me come doing that.” He nuzzled into his neck, then sucked on his earlobe, freeing a sharp moan.
“Isn’t that the point?” As sweet tension coiled in his groin, he shuddered against Jessie’s body.
“I want this to last.” Jessie slowed his hand and the rocking of his hips, then lifted on his elbow to look into his eyes. “I love you, so much.”
“I love you.” As tears stung Troy’s eyes, he bit his lip. How is it not enough? He had to focus on now , not anything else.
Jessie’s eyes glistened. “I wanted so badly to hear you say it again.” He sniffled and dropped his face into his neck. “If we come now, will you stay here with me and do it again?” A shiver rolled over his body. “‘Cause I can’t stop it.” He pumped his hand and thrust hard, his cum spurting up between them, hitting his chest and coating his fingers.
“Oh, fuck.” Troy gasped as an intense pulse jolted his body, followed by wave after wave of sensation, his cum erupting through Jessie’s pumping hand and onto their stomachs.
As they calmed, Jessie brought his hand up and licked his fingers. “I missed how you taste.”
Troy rubbed his eyes. This was too much. How was he supposed to do this knowing that he was leaving him within a week? “How much are you going to miss it in New York?” He had to say it. He couldn’t help himself.
“Can we just have tonight? Maybe tomorrow night and the next?” Jessie kissed him deeply, then climbed off him to get the tissue box. He ripped out a few tissues and came back to him, resting at his side.
Troy grabbed a tissue and cleaned off, then tossed it on the floor and watched him wipe himself. “So, you want to keep getting together, like we were, and then just leave?” The familiar ache burrowed into his chest. Could he handle something like that?
Jessie laid his head on Troy’s shoulder and wrapped and arm and a leg around him. “I don’t know what else to do. I was so fucking miserable. And you’re right here.” He kissed his chest and held him tighter.
Troy thought back over the last few days. “Yeah, so was I.” Maybe if they stayed together like this until they went home, he’d be able to change Jessie’s mind. At least now, he knew Jessie loved him. He had a chance.
Jessie cuddled deeper into his side. “It feels so good to lie here with you.”
A wave of exhaustion swept over Troy. All the lost sleep must be getting to him. He should rest his eyes. Just a little...