Chapter Ten
Holden
F eeling a bit emotionally fragile, I gathered myself and followed the others to the kitchen. As I waited to see where everyone would sit so I could take the remaining spot around the table, I heard Carys’ question to Rian. That little squeezing feeling in my chest intensified minutely at his answer.
“So these are the three dishes we’re testing out,” Max was saying, and I snapped my attention to him.
It appeared we were doing a buffet kind of thing, which I didn’t mind at all.
Carys ducked back into the room past me and went to explain the dishes to the others.
“Let us know if you like them or not and we’ll add them for Tuesday night, too,” she said.
I felt a nudge at my elbow and realized Ben was standing next to me.
“It’s okay to feel at home here,” he murmured very quietly. “It’s okay to let us love you.”
“You fucking bastard,” I blurted out in similar volume and swallowed hard to keep from getting emotional again.
He grinned at me, then went to grab a plate to fill.
Soon enough, we were sitting around the table. It wasn’t a special day, just another meal as a pack, but after all the mental turmoil, I wasn’t feeling very hungry.
I excused myself when the others were barely halfway done with their meals.
“There’ll be leftovers if you’re hungry later,” Carys promised in her easy, loving tone.
I was in awe of her, if I was honest. Then again, these people, my people , did that to me on a daily basis.
After taking my plate to the sink, I went to look for Rian and Cindy. To my surprise, I didn’t hear him talking to her. As I got close to his door, I heard Cindy’s worried meow. It made me open the door without knocking, and I saw her watching over Rian who was in his chair, clearly upset about something.
My brain went immediately to his rockstar friend, but something about Rian’s expression suggested a more internal struggle.
He lied to Cindy, and I teased him about it. The way the corner of his perfect lips curled up was almost sad instead of a relief.
Unable to do anything else, I went to him.
The choked up sound I heard when he shook his head, the short curls bouncing a little, made me take his hands into mine. His cell phone slid off his thigh and into the gap between him and the arm of the chair, but he didn’t seem to notice.
Rian curled forward as he struggled to breathe. A panic attack, then. Brodie had told me about those once, when we’d covered things he thought I should know about the pack as his enforcer, because in his absence, I’d be protecting the others in any situation.
I didn’t ask, I just scooped him up and moved us to his bed. He turned himself to burrow into my side and I wrapped my arms around him.
“Breathe for me, Rian,” I murmured into his curls. Then I concentrated on regulating my own breaths and smiled when Cindy chirped at us and jumped on the bed.
She padded over me and pushed into the space between us where she could barely fit. Then she began to purr like a machine.
Rian made a sound that in another situation would’ve been a laugh, but he didn’t have enough breath for it.
“Breathe. We’re here for you.” I squeezed him a little, then continued to breathe calmly.
It took a while, probably close to ten minutes, for him to begin to relax in my arms. Then he took in a deep, shuddering breath, and lifted his head to look at me.
“Thank you,” he said, his eyes red from where tears had been falling while he struggled.
“Anytime,” I promised.
Instead of pulling away, he laid his head back down on my chest and sighed. He lifted one hand to pet Cindy, who was still purring, only more quietly.
“I need to go to Seattle for an event,” Rian murmured after a minute or two. “I don’t know if Brodie ever told you, but I’ve done philanthropic things for a long time now. I raise money for causes and get other people to donate, too. This gala is organized by an old friend from those circles.” He exhaled and quieted for a moment.
I sensed there was more he wanted to say, so I waited.
“It’s a fundraiser for rehab centers for non-humans. This one is for the Pacific Northwest, but I have other people around the country organizing more events in the coming year for the same cause.”
I was touched. It was obvious why this cause, of course. He’d had Brodie send Max and Ben to Seattle for the rehab center there when the brothers wanted to get sober.
“That’s admirable, Rian. The pack must be proud of you.”
He sighed. “They don’t know the cause. I haven’t told them.”
Frowning, I asked, “Why?”
“I don’t even know.” He finally leaned away from my embrace, careful not to dislodge Cindy, and settled on his back next to me. “I think I’ve pushed it out of my mind so it hasn’t occurred to me to tell anyone.”
Again, I waited. I could admit to myself I was using an interrogation tactic, but all we had here was good cop and purry cop.
“Back before Brodie came here, we had an arrangement,” he said, his fingers absently petting Cindy.
“He was your Dominant, right?”
“Right. I’m a submissive masochist. I need the pain to get emotional release. The relationship worked for us, because we love each other deeply, it wasn’t sexual, and he needed his side of it almost the same way.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Well, my need for pain and submission came from the fact that at my age, it’s sometimes hard to tap into some emotions and sometimes they get bottled up and get stuck. For Brodie, he needs to feel useful. Needed. He used to enjoy pushing me, got off—in a purely emotional sense—on the fact that I would take what he dished out. He’s a caretaker by nature, and that’s why I never once doubted he could make the pack flourish under his care.”
“And he loves you, so taking special care of you must’ve felt gratifying,” I mused.
Cindy chirped again, then got to her feet and stretched. She walked to the foot of the bed, sat down, and began to groom herself.
I turned so I could prop myself up on my elbow and looked at Rian.
“So, events you used to love are problematic now?” I made an educated guess.
“Yes.” He sighed and mirrored my position. “It started about six months before Brodie came here at his sister’s behest. One night, I was standing on the sidelines of this gorgeous ballroom in New York City, and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. It passed pretty quickly, but I knew what it was.”
I nodded. “Because Hunter had panic attacks.”
Rian gave me a somber little smile. “Yeah. I have no idea what triggered it, either. Maybe I’d been more stressed out on a base level before it happened and I’d just pushed it away or something. There wasn’t one inciting incident which I kind of hate. It would feel better to know.”
“What happened then?”
“I went to the events, I got panic attacks, I got taken care of by Brodie and it helped a lot. Sometimes we’d have a scene the day before the event, sometimes the day after….”
Ah. I realized the problem. “And then he moved.”
“And then he moved.”
“What are you going to do this time? Do you have to go?” The worry swirling around my chest and stomach made me glad I hadn’t eaten much.
“Yes. I’ve already skipped everything else. I got my friend to organize this based on my idea. As for what I’m going to do if I….” He gnawed on his bottom lip, and the urge to tug it out from between his teeth was hard to ignore. “We have a friend in Seattle, Moses. He’s helped out before. He’ll hurt me if I need it.”
A weird wave of “no, I want to be the one to give that to you” hit me then. I’d never wanted to be that for someone outside the random not-quite-vanilla encounter. I knew enough to be able to do it, I was sure, especially if Rian didn’t need all the bells and whistles. But the thing was, that wasn’t who I’d prepared to be for this wonderful man, so the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind before now.
Rian flopped on his back and stretched his body, mindful of Cindy by our feet.
Then he frowned and turned his head to look at me. “Does your offer still stand?”
For a moment, I thought he meant what my brain had conjured, but then understood what he was really asking.
“Yes, of course.”
“If I get a bit now, then I don’t need to bother my donor until after Christmas.” He looked almost sheepish when he added, “And the panic attacks take a lot out of me. Having a drink helps.”
“I mean, I can relate, sort of.” I grinned. “How do you want me?”
Yeah, I immediately realized how that sounded, as did Rian.
His eyes widened, and he snorted out a chuckle. “Well, that’s a loaded question.” Then he shrugged. “I’m not fussy. I can use your wrist or your neck, whichever works for you.”
It would’ve been easiest, the least intimate, to go with the wrist. I was pretty sure he’d mentioned doing that with his donor.
“Want to go for maximum awkwardness?” I asked, raising a brow at him.
A challenge, if you will. Because he needed something else to think about other than his panic attack and his looming trip. No other reason whatsoever. Right .
The way his expression changed at my little taunt was fascinating. Suddenly, I could clearly see the two-hundred-year-old vampire clearer than I ever had.
“Okay.” He moved gracefully, turning toward me and moving closer in one smooth motion.
He didn’t ask if I was sure, which I appreciated. I’d told him I’d fed a vampire before. I knew what happened to a donor’s body when whatever it was that made it good for them hit us.
I repositioned my head on my hand to give him maximum access. The way his mouth opened, and his fangs lowered was spellbinding. I realized the experience had changed. Something must’ve shown on my face, because Rian stopped moving and looked at me.
“What?” he asked, smiling enough for one fang to peek through his lips.
“When I did this before, donated, I was still a human. There was this… not fear, but….”
“Ah, the lizard brain.” He smiled wider. “I hear that’s a thing.”
“But I don’t feel it now. I wonder if it’s because I’m a wolf or….”
“Or what?” He raised a brow at me, clearly amused.
I swallowed hard, then pushed the words out. “Because it’s you.”
The way his pupils dilated and he licked his lips made my body react. I couldn’t blame his vampire pheromones or whatever would soon make my head swim and my cock hard. My brain tried to send out warning bells, to remind me who Rian was to me and who he had been to my brother, but then he lowered his head, and I felt his mouth on my neck and all thoughts vanished.
He bit through as if there was no resistance at all, and my whole being reacted to the small sting and the way his cool lips pressed against my skin.
He moaned, and I echoed it without meaning to. As he snuck one hand to cradle mine, he pushed me a little, causing my elbow to slide out from under me as he stayed latched on.
My head swam, my body erupted in goosebumps, and my cock thickened in my jeans. I registered him pushing me on my back and leaning over me, but the reaction I was having was nothing like what I’d experienced before.
No. This was sensual. This was… Rian .
I let go of everything, and existed for him in the moment.
When he finally pulled away carefully, then licked over the punctures on my neck, I wanted to whine and hold onto him. I wanted to pull him close, on top of me, so he could—
Rian flopped back, separating us, then adjusted himself in a matter of fact way. I did the same, then looked at him.
The way his pupils were returning to normal was almost disappointing. I wondered if they would be as big as they’d been moments before when he was being beaten while knowing he’d get an orgasm out of it later.
I blinked a couple of times, trying to clear my head.
“How do you feel now?” we asked each other at the same time, then chuckled.
There was no awkwardness, thank gods, but there was something else altogether.
The moment was broken by a knock on the door. “Hey guys? Should we show Holden the other thing?” Kye asked.
“What thing?” I narrowed my eyes, immediately wary.
“Yeah, we’ll be right there. Don’t crowd the hallway, please,” Rian called back.
“What’s going on?”
As he got up, I followed suit, and even Cindy seemed to be done with her bathing session.
“You’ll see.” Rian beamed a smile at me, and I couldn’t help but to smile back.
I’d known from the first moment I met him that he was gorgeous, but right then? Yeah.
He opened the door, and I scooped Cindy up and put her on my shoulder. We stepped out of the room and like Rian had asked, only Kye and Brodie stood further down the hall.
I looked at my alpha and his mate. “What’s this?”
Brodie smiled in an almost gentle manner. “Well, the cat tree downstairs was Cindy’s present. This is yours.”
“With some perks for Cindy, too.” Kye smiled as he cuddled to Brodie’s side.
Brodie opened the door to the room that I knew had been for storage only a few weeks ago when I’d helped Ben carry some book boxes out of there so they could fill the new shelves in the family room.
Now? Kye reached a hand inside the room and flicked the lights on.
“Go on,” Rian whispered from behind me.
I stepped into the room that was furnished with earthy colors and some brighter highlights. There was a large bed, bedside tables, a dresser, and a cat tree by the window.
There was also a funny little square end table in the corner.
Cindy jumped down and began her rounds.
“This is… for me?” I asked, feeling as if my heart was beating too fast now.
Rian’s cooler hand slipped into mine while Brodie put his on my shoulder.
It was Kye who spoke first. “We won’t ever expect you to live here permanently, but if you want to, you can.”
“This is so you and Cindy have space of your own if you want it,” Brodie added.
“We thought maybe you would like to leave Cindy here with us while you work during the holidays and come here when you can to spend time with us. That way she doesn’t have to be alone,” Rian explained softly.
My gaze that had been jumping from the bedding to the windows to the cat tree to a photo of Hunter and I on top of the dresser caught on said feline.
She was sniffing the end table. Then she perked up and rounded it and… vanished?
“What the—”
“Just wait,” Kye interrupted me in an almost smug tone.
Then I heard it; the telltale sign of a cat throwing litter around.
“It’s a litter box?” I looked at Kye.
“Yeah, Carys’ idea. She thought it would be nicer for the room. It has a filter so it shouldn’t stink too bad, either.”
We all heard her peeing inside the thing and started to laugh as one.
“I have a litter box with me, but I left it in the truck,” I said when I could breathe again.
Rian smiled. “We can put it in one of the bathrooms.”
Cindy reemerged and looked at us as if we’d invaded her private time.
“Sorry, sorry,” Kye told her, chuckling.
She went to jump up the cat tree and peered outside, her tail flicking from side to side.
“Can I come in?” Carys asked, and Rian stepped out of her way.
She looked hesitant. “Is this okay?”
I held out my arms and she stepped into them in a way that made my heart warm. “It’s perfect. Thank you so much. The litter box, whatever it is, is genius.”
She squeezed me hard, and then looked up. “I was supposed to get a cat of my own, but I thought maybe we can share Cindy while you’re here, and I can cat sit her whenever you need.”
I chuckled. “That sounds like a good idea.”
“Merry Christmas,” Brodie said, clapping me on the shoulder.
He and Kye filed out after Kye hugged me, too.
Then Max walked in, carrying my bag. “I think this belongs here?”
I took it from him and then hugged him. “Thank you.”
Ben peered in next. “Good tears?” he asked, grinning a little.
I gave him the finger, then used the same hand to pull him into the hug, too.
I knew all of them had worked on the room to get it done in time.
“Why do you smell like blood?” Max asked where he was smooshed between me and Ben.
“I had a bite,” Rian answered casually where he was standing by the window with Carys, giving Cindy scratches.
“Oh, okay.” Max shrugged, then pulled away to leave the room.
Ben though? In some ways he was less innocent than his brother, and I could tell his brain made some connections right there and then. He raised a brow at me.
I narrowed my eyes, making him chuckle.
“Carys? Is it dessert and coffee time yet?” he asked.
“Oh, right!” She dashed out of the room with him in tow.
I turned to look at Rian. Yeah. I was going to make sure I could take a few days off around his trip. There was no way I was letting him go alone, and Brodie had the pack to worry about.
The town would survive my absence. Technically, so would Rian. He could call that Moses guy and set something up. But I didn’t want him to.