Chapter Twenty-One
In the morning, they sat in the garden with a late breakfast and the dogs, dew sparkling on the long, damp grass. Amongst the startling new contentment in Gil’s company and the long-anticipated swerve in their relationship, Pippa was dreading the week ahead. Elaine was home now that her dad was settled back in his own and recovering well with support, and Pippa had a serious decision to make. She couldn’t bear to think of leaving Gil and Hartfell, returning to London and acting on the instructions the land agent was impatient to receive; instructions that would irrevocably change Gil’s life. She was finding it more impossible by the moment to balance the guilt at the choice she had to make.
Last night they’d shared his room and she’d fallen asleep with him curled into her, holding her gently. He’d woken first and when she’d opened her eyes to find him smiling and teasing her with good morning kisses, she’d known in that moment her heart was his. It was a truth she was terrified of revealing yet, and leaving his bed had been an effort they eventually couldn’t ignore when the dogs needed to go out. They’d been banished to the kitchen after a minor battle on the landing, and this morning Gil had run down first, returning with coffee.
‘So when’s Harriet home?’
‘Sunday.’ Pippa was happy to be distracted from her thoughts as she smiled at him, thinking of the words he’d murmured last night and how they’d made love with such incredible passion and tenderness.
She tried not to search for signs that he’d used their attraction to confuse her, to keep her in Hartfell until he could raise the funds to buy her dad out. But there was nothing of that in Gil’s eyes. He had that same lazy contentment she did, and she couldn’t resist reaching over to kiss him. He pulled her in close, the garden chair awkward between them. She knew he felt it too, this crazy complication in their lives that right now felt perfect and utterly blissful.
‘My friend Cassie is bringing her home, with her daughter too, who is Harriet’s best friend.’ Pippa was taken aback to realise how naturally she’d also used the term ‘home’. ‘I hope you don’t mind, they’re staying overnight before they go on to Cassie’s in-laws.’
They had four days alone before then, and once Harriet returned, Pippa knew they would have to be very careful. Her daughter might be loved up with Alfie and distracted by Dorothy’s farm, but it wouldn’t take much for her to realise that the thaw between her mum and Gil had heated some more. Cassie was another story altogether. She knew Pippa far too well to have the wool pulled over her eyes.
‘Why would I mind?’ He eased back, still holding her hand. ‘It’s your—’
‘Don’t say it.’ She stilled his words before he could finish. ‘Please, don’t. It’s your home.’
‘We both know it’s not, not anymore, Pippa,’ he said quietly. He let go to smooth her cheek with his thumb, and she was ready to weep at the acceptance in his gaze. ‘It’s okay, I get it. You have to sell. You dad doesn’t want it.’
‘You’re not giving up?’ She loathed that he might, that she and her dad had brought him to this. Broken his dreams, shattered his future, all while falling… She bit her lip. She couldn’t admit that again, not even to herself, or allow the words to form in her mind. Hers and Harriet’s lives were bound to London and he was right. This was a serious complication, but a beautiful one, and she didn’t regret it.
‘Maybe you just need to know when it’s time. Your dad was very clear about not offering any extension. I hope you’ll let me stay on until my lease runs out.’
‘Gil, I haven’t made any final decision yet.’ It was too late to return to the days when she hadn’t cared. ‘Where will you go?’
‘Wherever I can get a job. Joel’s in Adelaide and Luca’s pretty independent now.’ He raised Pippa’s hand to brush it against his lips, sending sparks darting into her stomach. ‘The practice was a crazy dream and maybe I should let it go, move on.’ He paused, and she wondered if he was trying to make it easier somehow. ‘So, speaking of overnight guests, do you think we can fit in one more? Luca is coming up for a few days on Sunday as well.’
‘Of course we can, I’d love that,’ Pippa said quickly. ‘It’ll be wonderful to meet him.’
‘He would’ve been happy to crash in the caravan but seeing as someone has deliberately sabotaged it…’ He grinned. ‘Dorothy’s been muttering dire threats about claims and compensation.’
‘Oh, has she? For that grotty old tin can and a couple of lousy cushions?’ Pippa felt almost invincible this morning and even taking on Dorothy didn’t faze her. ‘Well, she’s not the only one. I wouldn’t mind some compensation for having to look at it outside the kitchen window every day.’
‘How about this?’ Gil bent to touch his lips to hers, and it was a few moments before she pulled back with glittering eyes.
‘It’s helping,’ she said breathlessly. It was as though he already knew every part of her most sensitive to his touch and she was remembering last night again, him carrying her naked from the hot tub into the house. ‘But I’m going to need a lot more compensation. It’s a very ugly caravan.’
‘Later,’ he murmured, standing and tugging her upright. ‘Let’s go for a drive, there’s something I’d like to show you. And if that’s not compensation enough, spend tonight with me and I’ll try harder.’
‘Harder,’ Pippa said dreamily, almost tripping over a beaming Maud leaping around her legs. ‘I don’t think that’s even possible. Get down, Maud, honestly. We seriously need to sign up for some training classes.’ Another reminder of London life she didn’t want.
‘Wear your trainers seeing as you haven’t got any walking boots yet.’
‘What time will we be back?’ Her mind was darting ahead, searching for a schedule. She always had one, it was the pillar around which her life was built.
‘Shush,’ he said reprovingly, silencing her with another kiss. ‘You don’t need to plan every minute, Pippa. Just let the day happen.’
‘Wow, who does that?’ She was only half joking, unused to allowing one hour to ease into another without knowing how she’d spend it.
The dogs were only too happy to join them, and she watched the landscape pass by from the passenger seat, one hand on Gil’s thigh. She knew this land now. She’d come to love the open spaces, meadows nestled beside the river shorn to make hay for winter. Cattle and sheep wandering the fell, the bright fronds of bracken and thick, springy heather ready to erupt into flower. It was another world from her life in the city, elemental and wild, beautiful and dramatic.
She was becoming dependent on the views, the pure air she breathed. The rough stony paths beneath her feet, the river rushing beside her, the effort it took to climb the fells, every fought-for step worth it when she was rewarded with the world at her feet. She was finding new inspiration in her work here; she couldn’t go a day without drawing and the sketches in the sitting room were increasing, the lure of her easel beckoning. She didn’t usually go so long without it, but it hadn’t made the journey from London as she’d never imagined staying so long. How easily hers and Harriet’s lives had fallen into a new rhythm and every day the city felt further away.
The Land Rover rattled noisily over a cattle grid as they climbed, the road sharp and twisting, the only people they saw occasional hikers or farmers. Eventually, Gil pulled into a rough parking space, and they got out. Somewhere below them was Hartfell; up here was wild and breezy and she saw – felt – the beauty of it settle in her body.
‘Where are we going?’
‘You’ll see. It’s not far.’ He clipped on the dogs’ leads and lifted Maud down.
They followed a narrow path, Lola and Maud impatient to run. They couldn’t do that here, not with loose sheep grazing. Stone walls and haybarns that had stood for generations golden against the green, gushing water falling from high ground into the river, a valley widening before them. Gil halted and his grin was exuberant as he moved behind Pippa, wrapping his arms around her.
‘There. See it?’
‘A farm?’ She was smiling. She did that often now, with him. Last night together had filled her body with an ease she’d long forgotten, even though her mind was still working hard to push away thoughts of the future. ‘You’re not on call?’
‘Nope. Day off. Tell me what you see.’ His chin was on her shoulder, both dogs wondering why they’d stopped when walking and sniffing was so much more fun.
‘Buildings. A house.’ A square, stone one; the kind that had stood resolute and firm against all this landscape and the weather could throw at it. A window in each corner, a slate roof matching those on the barns. ‘Cattle in the distance, sheep and some vehicles. A quad bike, a couple of dogs in the yard. Are they clients?’
‘Yep.’ Gil’s arms around her tightened some more and she slid her hands over his. He felt so sure, strong, and she was looking forward to new mornings when they’d wake together. ‘They’ve been clients for years. Third generation now, the youngest daughter has just taken over from her dad.’
‘So this is what you wanted to show me? A family farm?’
‘Not just any farm.’ Gil’s voice was low beside her ear. ‘Back in the day, this was the Walker family farm. The one your great-grandmother married into.’
‘This is Ivy’s farm?’ Pippa tilted her head until her eyes found his. ‘Seriously? Ivy and Albert’s?’
‘The very one. Albert took on the lease after his father, and he and Ivy farmed it all their lives. It reverted back to the estate once they passed because their daughter didn’t want to carry on.’
‘Gil, this is incredible! I can’t believe you brought me here.’ Pippa sank onto a low grassy bank, trying to absorb the view of her family’s past. ‘Edmund emailed me some information, and I’d been planning to find the farm. I just hadn’t got around to it yet.’
‘You want to take a closer look? I’m sure they won’t mind.’
Slowly, she shook her head. She didn’t want to share these hours with anyone else. ‘Maybe another time? Today I’d like to enjoy it from here with you.’
He settled next to her, holding onto both dogs, who were disappointed to have their walk cut short. It was nearly far enough for Maud anyway, she’d be asleep by the time they returned. Fells dipped and rose, the occasional tree bent double by the prevailing wind, stone walls green with moss from the years, clouds scudding across the sky. Pippa’s eye roved over the farm as she tried to imagine how – if – it might have changed since Ivy’s day.
‘It’s so beautiful and peaceful,’ she said wistfully. ‘But it must have been a hard life for them out here.’
‘Hard but rewarding.’ Gil slid a warm hand onto her thigh. ‘Pippa, I’m sorry I was angry about the photo album. I’m not really used to sharing my story, but it wasn’t fair to shut you out of your history too. I wanted to say that you can have it back, see what else you can find in the house. That picture of my dad with yours isn’t the only one.’
‘Thank you, I really appreciate it. I understand how special those memories are,’ she told him quietly. It was cool up here and she snuggled close, wanting to keep him near. ‘I’m sorry my dad is making things difficult for you. I have no idea what’s behind it but I’m going to find out why he’s refused to extend your lease. It’s the least I can do.’
‘But maybe it doesn’t matter anymore and I’m wrong to cling to this place. Maybe there is something else out there for me.’
‘So why are you still fighting for it?’ She held her breath. Perhaps her own future might be bound in what he would say next.
‘I guess it’s because living here with my gran is the only home I remember as a kid.’ She was stroking his hand, wanting to keep that connection, to let him know she was listening to every word, felt every memory he shared.
‘We didn’t have a lot, but I knew she loved me.’ He sighed, and Pippa’s heart clenched again. ‘And growing up on the farm, being a vet and carrying on what my grandad had started just made perfect sense.’
‘You’re an incredible vet,’ she said sadly. ‘Your patients and your clients love you and you make a difference every single day.’
She’d seen it often enough these past weeks; his calm and professional warmth, the confidence that he could apply his training and experience to help. She was thinking of the calf born last night, alive because of Gil. The anxious owners coming through the consulting room door every week, leaving with a plan in place and hope in their hearts. How could she be the one to snatch all of this away from him and the community he loved?
‘Thanks, Pippa.’ The hand left her thigh to go around her shoulders, pulling her closer still. ‘But you know what it’s like. You didn’t have it easy either.’
‘It’s strange. To the outside world it looks like we have everything we want, because Dad is successful and famous. But when it’s just us, behind closed doors, he’s part of a family who want the same things everyone does. Love, home, safety, security, all the usual stuff. And it only takes one person to be missing for lives to swerve in a different direction and then you feel adrift.’ There was something else she suspected, something she’d guessed at, and she wondered if he’d share it. ‘May I ask you something personal?’
‘Sure.’
‘Those swimming medals, in the cabinet. Are they yours?’ She heard, felt, him huff out a long sigh and she pressed herself against him. ‘I understand if you’d rather not say.’
‘Yeah. After what happened to my parents, I was terrified of the water for a long time. When I got older, I decided I wasn’t going to let that fear hold me back and took lessons. I worked at it, got better and swam competitively for a while, as you saw. I’ve always been pretty stubborn.’
‘You don’t say.’ She smiled and heard the low rumble of his chuckle.
‘I’m not mad about swimming, it was just a means to an end, that’s all. A way to get past the fear, not a hobby I really loved.’
‘You’re amazing.’ Pippa’s heart was racing, and she couldn’t have said how long they’d been sat up here, sharing secrets on a grassy bank with the landscape that connected both of them rising to meet a sky made softer by wisps of white clouds. She was dreading leaving Gil and Hartfell and returning to work, the end of the summer holidays already in sight. She’d landed in his childhood home, the one that had made him feel safe and secure, and her being here threatened to yank it from him. There had to be another way and she was going to find it. She had to, especially after these last few hours together.
‘I’m really not. I’m a grumpy bugger who’s not great at showing how I really feel.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she teased, easing them past that moment of sadness. ‘You were pretty clear last night.’
‘Yeah, well, you seem to have got right under my skin, Pippa Douglas.’ He cupped her face, turning it so he could kiss her. ‘I’m telling you things I haven’t shared in years. And I really don’t get how easily we understand each other.’
‘Me neither.’ She hadn’t got a witty reply to that, just a clear sense that he’d spoken the truth. She understood, knew him too.
‘And I’m not saying any of this to try and change your mind about the house, or feel sorry for me in some way. I know it’s crazy, saying this after one night together, but you’re important to me, and I think you feel the same.’
‘You know I do.’ They hadn’t held back last night, and it had been wonderful, making love, talking, laughing together until dawn had risen and brought a new day with it.
‘But I have no idea what we’re going to do about it.’
‘Let’s not talk about that now,’ she told him softly. Every time they touched, looked at one another, it was impossible to think beyond the next moment. ‘We have a few days together and I want us to enjoy them. We can talk properly once Cassie and Isla have left.’
‘Deal. So can I ask you a question then?’
‘Of course.’ Her legs were getting cold, sitting still, and he shifted until he was behind her, wrapping his coat around the both of them.
‘Why is someone like you still single, Pippa?’
‘Someone like me?’
‘Yeah. Smart, funny, kind. Beautiful.’ He dropped a kiss in her hair and her head was resting on his shoulder.
‘Wow. Thanks. Not words I ever thought to hear from you.’
‘They were always there, I just kept trying to pretend otherwise.’
‘There was someone at work, once.’ Pippa was remembering the months and years after her separation from Harriet’s dad. Her resolve to focus on the family and put dating aside. ‘But eventually he wanted to commit to something more and I wasn’t ready. He was nice and thoughtful, but not someone I imagined spending the rest of my life with. Even now I’m still never sure if it’s me they see, or Jonny Jones’s daughter.
‘Nick, Harriet’s dad, just wasn’t interested in my dad’s world. He’s a wildlife cameraman and he couldn’t care less what my dad did, or who I’d met. It was one of the things I found so attractive about him, but I was too focused on the family still, saying yes to pretty much anything they wanted me to do. I thought then it was how I’d keep us all together.’
‘And now you’re here, a bit more out of reach?’ A red kite was swooping ahead, its forked tail directing its course on the wind, hunting for prey and Pippa saw the distinctive flash of colour.
‘I definitely feel more disconnected from the drama. My sister Tilly has been messaging about Christmas, wanting to know what I’m planning, and she was a bit shocked when I said I had no idea.’ Pippa smiled. ‘Usually by now I’d have a menu arranged and gifts on the way, but I’m thinking it might be nice to have a change.’
‘What kind of change?’
‘Maybe an Australian one. Dad’s looking for a place out there and if he has something by then, maybe Harriet and I will visit.’ She didn’t say the rest, that she’d love it if Gil were there too. She allowed herself a tiny daydream of an Australian summer in December, strolling along a beach together. ‘You must miss Joel, being so far away.’ Pippa felt the familiar squeeze of anxiety at thoughts of Harriet travelling so far in the future. But she couldn’t hold her back, she had to let her live her own life, make those mistakes.
‘I do, it takes a lot of getting used to, not having them around. That was the worst part of the divorce, splitting up the family unit, the foursome. However much Clare and I wanted different things as a couple, we still loved each other in a way and were a good team for a long time.’
‘I’m sorry about your divorce. It’s never easy, whatever the circumstances.’
‘Thanks, Pippa.’ Gil stretched out a leg and Lola plonked her head on his thigh. ‘I think eventually we both knew that if Clare hadn’t been pregnant so soon it might not have lasted as long as it did. It wasn’t easy, neither of us had planned on having kids that early.’
‘It’ll be so wonderful, meeting Luca, I’m really looking forward to it. But he might really hate me,’ Pippa added, panic flaring in her mind. ‘I’m the one who’s making your life difficult, and I wouldn’t blame him for thinking badly of me.’
‘He won’t, don’t worry.’ Gil squeezed her tightly. ‘He’s way smarter and more pragmatic than me and has been telling me for months that I should let go and move on. But it’s hard to let go of home, however impossible it seems to stay.’